I need somewhere to Jot down thought of regret

[ChrisArbulu]

I just need somewhere to write my thoughts. The ones that keep me up at night. Regrets, dreams, aspirations; all of it. My thoughts drift to an old girlfriend. There are times that I miss her terribly. Despite being with other girls, I have never met anyone with as genuine a personality as hers, and I’m quickly realizing I never may. So my thoughts turn to depression and regret. Regret for not trying harder, regret for taking her love for granted, for making light of the “I love you’s,” and mostly for giving in when what I really needed to do was hold strong. The scenes of those nights on the cruise ship, and the days hence, shall forever be my happiest and my saddest of memories. The late night walks under the stars, first love that grew like a wildflower, and the stars that twinkled on a starry-eyed couple. She with a light in her eyes of a hope that this would be the one, who’d take her breath away, he with the hope he would be that one. Entwined they spend their last days of the cruise together. Then comes the great goodbye. Alone together, she wept and he consoled, with well-meant promises of phone calls and visits. At last they parted and for a while things were good. Then he became distracted with school and made light of her many phone calls, soon waning off completely. The visits never came, and one day the final call was made, like the cutting down of the last tree in a rainforest. “the end is come, for we are no more.” His heart broken, shattered pieces littered the floor, his desperate attempts at console falter and fail till at last he speaks no more, and in doing so says more than his word ever will. She moves on, he moves on. But in his heart of hearts, there is still a crack where the pieces crumbled that shall never be mended, save for the one. And while he has moved forward on the outside (façade is the word) he can never truly move on till his heart is mended --- with love or with glue. So he sits late at night thinking and dreaming and looking at memories past, and wondering while looking at pictures of a couple, if she has moved on and left him to his woe. Or is she too, like the lost soul, trapped in limbo waiting for her lover to release her and take her to the place they both dreamed of. Until then, I shall bite my tongue, replace the smile that hides, and march on, a soldier of loss and regret.

 

sorry if it's depressing, but late at night i find myself drifting back to these memories and i need to find a way to break the habit, to move on. but i can't seem to.