Wisdom_wanted Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Please help. Been with my partner 3 yrs, we are due to get married in a 8 months. Hes always been quiet but its got to the point where its getting me down,i feel drained by the effort I put in to try and get a meaningful conversation going. As a result, would it make sense if I said that i now cant be bothered/have the energy to talk to other ppl,frends,family etc? I use to be a happy,chatty person but that part of me has gone. we'l go hours and barely speak. I dont kno whether this is my problem or his. Hes a quiet person but I just don't think hes making any effort and I think thats unfair. does that sound too harsh? Hes very sensitive, if I mention anything he gets angry and wont spk to me 4 hours. Im sad and confused. Has anybody got any advice Oo 4me? xx 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Please don't marry a guy that you are not compatible with. Why would you be so involved with someone who does not communicate? The whole point of marriage is being with someone for companionship and friendship, and it sounds like you are not getting either of those needs met if the guy won't talk at all. If this sullenness was a sudden thing, I'd be telling you to get him checked out for depression, but you said he has always been very quiet. I would suggest you cut your losses now and move on. As time goes by, the emotional distance in the relationship will feel stifling to you and you will want to seek out other men to fill that emotional need that you are not getting from your husband. If this were something fixable, like depression, then that would be a different story, but this is his personality--sullen and quiet, and you would be wise to realize this is not going to change, and it doesn't make for a happy marriage. People need to interact with each other in order to have a healthy relationship, and you are obviously not getting your needs met for companionship with this guy. Time to let him go and call off the engagement. Sorry, but that is for the best in the long run. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Pre-marital counseling with the express purpose for both of you to start communicating again. You did invest 4yrs in this, so i think you should give it a try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wisdom_wanted Posted June 23, 2012 Author Share Posted June 23, 2012 Thank you kathy, that was a very honest reply. Wot a mess im in Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 If its affecting you that much in a negative way - think of how it's going to feel after 20 years from now. Some people just aren't a good match. This may be something to consider. Read the five love languages. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 I think good communication is a key necessity for a long lasting marriage. If you don't have that, I wouldn't go into a marriage with a man. Would MC be an option for you to explore your issues? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wisdom_wanted Posted June 26, 2012 Author Share Posted June 26, 2012 Thanks for all replies. Still very confused. Im in my late 20s but this is my first ever relationship so I just dont know if whats happening is normal. Over the weekend my fiances house got broken into,he was understandably angry but took it out on me and would barely speak to me. Then he got angry at me when I accidentally spilt a drink. I was so fed up with it all I flew into a rage! we sat down and talked about it all. He said he loves me more than anything and apologised for how he'd been. confused :s x Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 Thanks for all replies. Still very confused. Im in my late 20s but this is my first ever relationship so I just dont know if whats happening is normal. Over the weekend my fiances house got broken into,he was understandably angry but took it out on me and would barely speak to me. Then he got angry at me when I accidentally spilt a drink. I was so fed up with it all I flew into a rage! we sat down and talked about it all. He said he loves me more than anything and apologised for how he'd been. confused :s x You don't sound like a couple that should be getting married right now. What did he say when 'you talked about it all'? Did the two of you agree on any concrete steps to improve your relationship, and your communication? Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 I have the same issue with my H. He's naturally quiet, but seemed to be more talkative when we first met. He was funny and joked a lot. Now I feel lonely because I feel like I can't really hold a conversation with him. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Pre-marital counseling with the express purpose for both of you to start communicating again. You did invest 4yrs in this, so i think you should give it a try. Pre-marital counseling only works if BOTH people are willing. From what the OP said, whenever she mentions something, he gets extremely angry and doesn't talk to her for days. 1. He doesn't communicate. 2. He's not fulfilling your needs. 3. When he doesn't like what you have to say regarding being unhappy, he gets mad at YOU and emotionally abuses you. ("punishing" you by not speaking to you.) I agree with the above. I would not marry a man like this. It's been 4 years. You're already miserable. Do you want to go through this for the rest of your life? Try to comprehend FOREVER, here. 10 more years. 20 more years. 30 more years. 40 more years. Do you know we are living longer than ever due to medical advances? 50 more years. 60 more years. Can you honestly deal with this for the next 60 years? You have a long, long.. LONGLONG life ahead of you. I would cut free before you start getting the legalities involved. Before you start getting kids involved. It's better to get out NOW. Trust me, I'm seeing what my friend is going through in regards to a split. The lawyer fees, and everything that goes along with this, is TERRIBLE. Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 I have the same issue with my H. He's naturally quiet, but seemed to be more talkative when we first met. He was funny and joked a lot. Now I feel lonely because I feel like I can't really hold a conversation with him. Haha, guilty as charged. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wisdom_wanted Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 Its gone too far, i would break too many hearts if i called it all off. I go from being fine being fine about it all one minute to terrified the next. I look at every married couple I see and think, I bet you never felt like I do. mayb the thought of marriage more terrifying than the reality? Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Its gone too far, i would break too many hearts if i called it all off. I go from being fine being fine about it all one minute to terrified the next. I look at every married couple I see and think, I bet you never felt like I do. mayb the thought of marriage more terrifying than the reality? The bold is a really, really bad basis for a marriage. Having said that, all married couples have challenges of some kind. Did you have a think about pre marital counseling? Have you told your fiance how you feel? If you can't discuss important issues with him now, it's not going get easier after you get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Its gone too far, i would break too many hearts if i called it all off. I go from being fine being fine about it all one minute to terrified the next. I look at every married couple I see and think, I bet you never felt like I do. mayb the thought of marriage more terrifying than the reality? You are an adult, he is an adult. You both decided to be into this one. What fault does a child have to be born into this mess ? Short term pain is nothing compared to long term emotional inbalance. Link to post Share on other sites
strongnrelaxed Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 What? YOU flew into a rage and HE apologizes? Wow. I hope you have at least a small amount of integrity to leave this guy. Do not ruin his life or yours. You are clearly not compatible. This will only come to a bad end. This may not be the answer you were hoping for, but look around this site. You will see patterns if you are open to it. Good luck to both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 You flying into a rage is not healthy either. It's making the situation worse. If he acts withdrawn and avoidant, mabye it's because he doesn't want you to fly into a rage and flip out? Then it just turns into a viscious cycle that never ends. You both have some serious communication issues. I agree with PM counseling, if you both are willing to work on your relationship. You need to discuss your issues. I teach my clients a technique called the "talking stick." The way it works is you find an object (pen, ruler, ect) and one of you holds it. Let's say you are holding it. You are able to say whatever is on your mind and voice your feelings about the relationship. He cannot interrupt you during this time. AFter you are done sharing, your fiance has to repeat what you said back to you...in your words. He cannot switch around the statements to suit himself, it has to be what you said, even if he disagrees. When you are satisfied that he has repeated everything you said, then the stick gets passed to him and then he speaks his mind and you have to repeat what you said. The benefit of this technque is: 1) Because you need to pay attention to what the other is saying because you will need to repeat it, it forces you to actually listen to teh words and not think about your rebuttle. 2) Blow out fights do not happen due to only one person being able to talk at one time and you are not automatically shouting back a rebuttle to what they are saying. 3) When you repeat what your partner has said, it forces you to actually THINK about the words and not automatically discredit them (like the "in one ear, out the other" idea). We tend to completedly disagree with everything our partners say when we are angry. My suggestion is that you use this technique to speak with your boyfriend. It's especially helpful for partners who are quite and withdrawn, because they have the floor and are able to say whatever they want. It often "opens up" quite and avoidant partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wisdom_wanted Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 Huh?yes I flew into a rage and yes he apologized.did u read the whole story?as far as im concerned his behaviour was unreasonable and thats why he appologised. Link to post Share on other sites
strongnrelaxed Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Huh?yes I flew into a rage and yes he apologized.did u read the whole story?as far as im concerned his behaviour was unreasonable and thats why he appologised. I find that "rage" is a bullying tactic - intended or not. You should listen to anyone above who gives you advice about raging. This should be a deal breaker for any man or woman. If a woman "rages" with me even one time (at least early in the relationship) I will walk away immediately. If you were on the receiving end, I would say the same to you. Get out before this escalates. I don't care WHAT a man's behavior is. If you don't like it - get out! Why do people feel that they must stay in a relationship when there is all this rage and so much easy justification for the rage. I just don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
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