Stoneman70 Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I know I did...I wonder how many other people did that. With S, her husband was always in the back of my mind. For example, I would say these things to her: Who is better? (Sexually) Does he does this for you?? (Massage, etc) Does he call you to check in? Maybe he has a girlfriend..(I said this when she said he was out of town) As I look back, I can see how desperate for her I was..I wanted her to see me as better, but then guilt was there and I felt bad too..her husband was always there in my mind. Did anyone else compare themselves like this?? Outwardly to your lover especially? Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 What an awful thing to do to oneself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Simple answer. No. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Yes...I tortured myself. I moved across the world to try to get over her. I don't know why I always asked her these things. I'm really examining my relationship with S lately ans trying to understand all this...I know when I compared myself to her husband, i wanted her to say I'm better than he is...and she did..but I wonder if it was true. I would ask her if she loved me and to say promise...I was infatuated...i see that in a way, but I also was am am still in love with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 I also told her she was too good for him and I would treat her better...told her I would give her a better wedding ring... I look back and see how forward I was. I wanted her to he mine. I never thoyght of my wife during this...I'm in the process of working out all my feelings now. I'm trying to see what should be done in the future. Still trudging through life right now. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 What you're feeling is normal as far as I am concerned for someeone who believes (and is in love with another woman). I never compared myself to her H, but why should I have, she did it all for me. She liked my body better than his, but I work out, he does not, she gave me all these compliments, better than H in everything but I never truly believed it, sure it was great to hear, but was she going to say, 'wellllll you know, yeah, you're better at him in this area but he's waaay better than you in regards to this....' I wanted to be the constant in her life at the time, told her I'd treat her like a princess, that he didn't deserve her and yes, I was there to see how they interacted with one another as well all hung out....but in the end, no matter what, truth lie or whatever, he was her pick and I no longer care to think about it. Instead I am bettering myself, moving on, working on making my marriage the priority. Don't beat yourself up over it all. In the end, you will see, you are far better off now than you would have been had you kept it all going. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I know I did...I wonder how many other people did that. With S, her husband was always in the back of my mind. For example, I would say these things to her: Who is better? (Sexually) Does he does this for you?? (Massage, etc) Does he call you to check in? Maybe he has a girlfriend..(I said this when she said he was out of town) As I look back, I can see how desperate for her I was..I wanted her to see me as better, but then guilt was there and I felt bad too..her husband was always there in my mind. Did anyone else compare themselves like this?? Outwardly to your lover especially? Oh no no no. Never. I never saw it as a competition. I felt sad for them both that their marriage had gone how it had. I felt happy for us that we had something wonderful. I never compared. And anyway, their relationship was the opposite of ours so it would have been a bit odd. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 oh No ! That would be something awful. Only insecure APs would compare themselves to the BS. I never compared myself to her H. If there is only ONE thing I was VERY confident about is that he had nothing more/better than me, except better income (which is not something related to the person). Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) No. I didn't know her and I didn't compare myself to her often. He didn't talk about her or their relationship much, so there was little for me to go on in terms of competing, consciously or subconsciously. Perhaps if he talked about his relationship more I'd subconsciously start doing that. I would wonder if she was like me, wondered if she was pretty, smart etc. But I simply assumed she was and assumed maybe he had a type and she was like me in some way. But I never thought or did anything to imply or make myself feel like I was better than her or less than her. I heard her voice once and she sounded nice, she had a pleasant voice...that further confirmed to me that she was probably a pleasant, pretty, smart woman (like me smh lol). I guess the only comparisons I made were that we were probably similar. I think I often see a lot of talk of BS and OW being polar opposites, and maybe that is true in some cases. For me, I didn't assume we were different, I assumed he liked women similar to me. I still don't know her, but saw her picture a while after the A was done and we look different, but I don't know how different or similar we are otherwise. But I didn't do the I'm better, smarter, funnier, sexier, more suited for him etc. comparisons and I'm glad he didn't bad mouth her, which I think contributes to that type of comparing and competing. I remember with exes, who were single, when they talked about what they disliked about their exes, I found that I'd try to show how much I wasn't like that. It's almost this normal response and if one is insecure, I think this response is even more pronounced. I think not knowing anything significantly decreases that tendency. I also think that since insecurity often breeds this type of competition and comparison, doing this in an A makes sense, because a lot of times As by their nature don't provide a lot of security. Edited June 17, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 I know I shouldn't have compared myself to him, but I did. It felt much like torture to onow she was with him and not me every night. Ya know when you want something so had, but try to convince yourself you don't? Thats what I tried to do. I tried to ignore my feelings and thought it would be easier. I fell in love even more and I became consumed by the fact that S wasn't mine. In the end, i began to accept it more which is why I left..knew I had to remove myself or else I wouldn't begin to heal. I've never wanted a woman so much. I played it cool around her, but the truth came out many times. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Yes, I would outwardly compare myself to the BW. I assumed I was better than her. I wanted to be better than her. I wanted xMM to feel like I was better than her. I would ask xMM the same: who’s better (sexually), does she do this for you (massage, etc), does she call you to check in, does she (feel in the blank) like I do for you? I really, really made a conscious effort to be better towards xMM in every way that I could than her, and he would often tell me that she couldn’t compare/compete with me. Ok, great. In actuality, it got me nowhere (although at the time I thought it meant so much more) and got xMM everything he was missing or could have possibly wanted. As horrible as it is, I want xMM to be disappointed with or think lesser of his W. I want him be less happy with her than before he met me, and I want the memory of me/us to be the reason why. (I’ve tried not to feel this way, but I do.) Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I also told her she was too good for him and I would treat her better...told her I would give her a better wedding ring... I look back and see how forward I was. I wanted her to he mine. I never thoyght of my wife during this...I'm in the process of working out all my feelings now. I'm trying to see what should be done in the future. Still trudging through life right now. Keep in mind- in the old days the meaning of the word "trudge" meant "to walk with a purpose". So I am left wondering - what is the purpose you are walking through life with? To torture YOURSELF - or - to move forward and be happy? Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Keep in mind- in the old days the meaning of the word "trudge" meant "to walk with a purpose". So I am left wondering - what is the purpose you are walking through life with? To torture YOURSELF - or - to move forward and be happy? Sometimes going thru a period of self torture leads to moving forward, it's a necessary step for some (for me it was). Link to post Share on other sites
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