Knowing you are no longer her type and never will be

[sam2012]

How do you cope when you know you just aren’t good enough for the one you are in love with? Or at least, you are not their “type”.

 

 

 

You know nothing will ever happen with her.

 

 

 

I can’t see myself ever finding anyone like her again. This is magnified by the fact that I meet almost zero new people a year. I’m terrified I will spend my life not lamenting not being with her.

[Warrior]

With time you will start to see stuff. For now you must WANT to HEAL & LOVE yourself. You are still in your ex cage and I know how you feel.

 

And yea, the goal should be NOT to find somebody like her, there is thousands of beautiful and better girls around you. Waiting to be kissed and hugged when the stars are right.

: )

[Feelin Frisky]

Types cut both ways.

[edwards99]

well said warrior....

[CopingGal]

I am glad that I am not my ex's type. My ex wants someone to trust him completely, even though he is a compulsive liar and a user. My ex wants a stupid woman who would never question him. I'm glad I'm not his type and I'm glad I'm not like him.

 

My ex is a stupid, selfish bastard. I'm really, really glad I'm not my ex's type!!

[Mack05]

For me it comes to down to security and belief in myself. In my last two relationships I was very insecure. I remember in my last relationship feeling inferior because my ex was a visually stunning woman. On our first holiday together I knew something wasn't right. She nit picked at my appearance. She critised the wrinkles on my head, my weight and other weird things I won't even mention.

 

The worst thing she ever did was lie about something negative my mother supposedly said about me. She made me promise not to say anything to my mother. I knew she was lying (my mother is incapable of being critical about her kids) and I broke the promise. My mother verified she was lieing. My ex wouldn't back down so my mother said lets all get on the phone together. My ex of course backed down. Yet I tolerated her crazy behaviour. I have caught her lieing and lieing over and over again.

 

I remember once she sent me an email from her new boyfriend. It was clear as day it was her but I took my time before I pulled her up on it. She replied "but previously you said you believed me!" hahahhahaa. Whatever nutjob. Not only were there lies, but I have seen her distort conversations and openly manipulate me. Her good friend even told me I should leave go because she is too damaged and will always play the victim. A guy who owns a tavern she goes too told me straight out "she aint for you Mack, trust me on that" after I made a good impression with the locals a few nights before.

 

She has borderline personality disorder so in her crazy mind/world, she doesn't believe she has ever lied, distorted or manipulated. She doesn't believe she has done anything wrong. She wants to give an image of herself (strong confident, sexy, caring, genuine) to the world, but what she doesn't understand is you can only hide who you truly/really are for so long. Eventually it catches up with you and the truth comes out. Guess who gets the blame when the truth comes out. I have never or never will meet anyone who is in such denial as she. Her dream world she has created for herself and the real world, intertwine with each other and she no longer recognises when one stops and the other begins.

 

She verbally abused me over and over again. After months of holding my dignity, I lashed out at her at the very end when she rejected my pleas to leave things on a good note (called her a nutjob etc etc). It was months of pent up anger from just taking her abuse, manipulation and lies. I regret it though, cause I stooped to her level. And 'my troubling' behaviour meant she blocked me from everything and now she tell people that I am the crazy one. What about her 'troubling' behaviour that she never ONCE took accountability for? It used to bother me her opinion about me. Now......180 degrees. Self belief and security in who you are, sounds simple but it's an amazing feeling when you find true sense of 'self'.

 

Because I had no real belief in myself and insecurities I would believe her and everything she said. She played on my insecurities very cleverly. I would actually believe I was at fault for everything and often would take responsibility. It took me months apart from her, working on those insecurities to realize I am sooooooooo much better off without her. She is not in league in anyway as a person. She will never go onto achieve what I am going to achieve in life.

 

One of us is in the denial the other isn't, one of us is confronting their personal demons, the other isn't. One of us rebounded, the other focused on self improvement. For her self destructive behaviour, I am doing the opposite. She is putting a bandaid over a HUGE gapping wound. I am taking time to heal and emotionally grow. Something she is incapable of -> Real and genuine emotional growth. Like a kid that copies homework, she has the answers but doesn't understand the equations behind the answers as she never did the work. I hope WHEN this new relatoionship fails that she finally looks in the mirror and starts to turn this inwards. Probably more chance of pigs flying..

 

One of my best friends was telling me recently I attract people like magnets. She couldn't get over how many friends, that I have made since I moved to a new country. She said the fact my ex was attracted to my personality the way most people are, is the clearest indication just how wrong she was for you.

 

Mate there will come a time when you couldn't give a monkeys nutsack what there opinion of you is, what they say/write about you or the fact you are not there type. I know my ex is the problem. I know I am awesome. I know I am a great catch for a girl. I know my ex can not (no matter how much she kids herself) be happy in a long term relationship until she admits to herself the extent of what her issues really are. I also know I don't care if she is happy but honestly hope that she is.

 

Self belief and security in who you are as a person. Once you achieve that you will realise its her loss...You will see opportunities that previously there weren't any. You will realise the right woman is lucky to be with you and vice versa. Forgive her and move on and be ready for those opportunities when they come.

Edited June 17, 2012 by Mack05

[sam2012]

With time you will start to see stuff. For now you must WANT to HEAL & LOVE yourself. You are still in your ex cage and I know how you feel.

 

And yea, the goal should be NOT to find somebody like her, there is thousands of beautiful and better girls around you. Waiting to be kissed and hugged when the stars are right.

: )

 

 

Thanks for that Warrior.. and everyone else for taking the time to reply.

 

Like you say, I am still in her cage. Can't stop thinking about her. Thinking if I had done certain things different etc. Just can't get it into my head to say "yep she don't like me like that, her loss, move on!"

 

 

Basically just wishing I was something else.

 

 

 

Just don’t want to even consider sharing times, jokes, anything with anyone but her. The idea of it just seems so bland and depressing.

[CopingGal]

For me it comes to down to security and belief in myself. In my last two relationships I was very insecure. I remember in my last relationship feeling inferior because my ex was a visually stunning woman. On our first holiday together I knew something wasn't right. She nit picked at my appearance. She critised the wrinkles on my head, my weight and other weird things I won't even mention.

 

The worst thing she ever did was lie about something negative my mother supposedly said about me. She made me promise not to say anything to my mother. I knew she was lying (my mother is incapable of being critical about her kids) and I broke the promise. My mother verified she was lieing. My ex wouldn't back down so my mother said lets all get on the phone together. My ex of course backed down. Yet I tolerated her crazy behaviour. I have caught her lieing and lieing over and over again.

 

I remember once she sent me an email from her new boyfriend. It was clear as day it was her but I took my time before I pulled her up on it. She replied "but previously you said you believed me!" hahahhahaa. Whatever nutjob. Not only were there lies, but I have seen her distort conversations and openly manipulate me. Her good friend even told me I should leave go because she is too damaged and will always play the victim. A guy who owns a tavern she goes too told me straight out "she aint for you Mack, trust me on that" after I made a good impression with the locals a few nights before.

 

She has borderline personality disorder so in her crazy mind/world, she doesn't believe she has ever lied, distorted or manipulated. She doesn't believe she has done anything wrong. She wants to give an image of herself (strong confident, sexy, caring, genuine) to the world, but what she doesn't understand is you can only hide who you truly/really are for so long. Eventually it catches up with you and the truth comes out. Guess who gets the blame when the truth comes out. I have never or never will meet anyone who is in such denial as she. Her dream world she has created for herself and the real world, intertwine with each other and she no longer recognises when one stops and the other begins.

 

She verbally abused me over and over again. After months of holding my dignity, I lashed out at her at the very end when she rejected my pleas to leave things on a good note (called her a nutjob etc etc). It was months of pent up anger from just taking her abuse, manipulation and lies. I regret it though, cause I stooped to her level. And 'my troubling' behaviour meant she blocked me from everything and now she tell people that I am the crazy one. What about her 'troubling' behaviour that she never ONCE took accountability for? It used to bother me her opinion about me. Now......180 degrees. Self belief and security in who you are, sounds simple but it's an amazing feeling when you find true sense of 'self'.

 

Because I had no real belief in myself and insecurities I would believe her and everything she said. She played on my insecurities very cleverly. I would actually believe I was at fault for everything and often would take responsibility. It took me months apart from her, working on those insecurities to realize I am sooooooooo much better off without her. She is not in league in anyway as a person. She will never go onto achieve what I am going to achieve in life.

 

One of us is in the denial the other isn't, one of us is confronting their personal demons, the other isn't. One of us rebounded, the other focused on self improvement. For her self destructive behaviour, I am doing the opposite. She is putting a bandaid over a HUGE gapping wound. I am taking time to heal and emotionally grow. Something she is incapable of -> Real and genuine emotional growth. Like a kid that copies homework, she has the answers but doesn't understand the equations behind the answers as she never did the work. I hope WHEN this new relatoionship fails that she finally looks in the mirror and starts to turn this inwards. Probably more chance of pigs flying..

 

One of my best friends was telling me recently I attract people like magnets. She couldn't get over how many friends, that I have made since I moved to a new country. She said the fact my ex was attracted to my personality the way most people are, is the clearest indication just how wrong she was for you.

 

Mate there will come a time when you couldn't give a monkeys nutsack what there opinion of you is, what they say/write about you or the fact you are not there type. I know my ex is the problem. I know I am awesome. I know I am a great catch for a girl. I know my ex can not (no matter how much she kids herself) be happy in a long term relationship until she admits to herself the extent of what her issues really are. I also know I don't care if she is happy but honestly hope that she is.

 

Self belief and security in who you are as a person. Once you achieve that you will realise its her loss...You will see opportunities that previously there weren't any. You will realise the right woman is lucky to be with you and vice versa. Forgive her and move on and be ready for those opportunities when they come.

 

 

I feel for you. While I was reading this BPD entered my mind even before you mentioned it. I understand. My ex is a nutter who has antisocial personality disorder (sociopathic) traits and narcissitc personality disorder traits. I understand.

 

BPD or BPD traits seems to be the most popular conditions on LS regarding relationships that were just bizzarre.

[lady_jadie]

*waves*

 

hello, I am one of the nutters who suffers Borderline personality disorder. I say suffers, even though i hate sounding like a victim, because it is truly a horrible thing to have. I've tried tonnes of meds, most every therapy under the sun and spent three months in a Trauma Healing centre. I most certainly screwed up my last relationship, the first guy to ever really treat me right (though he had his flaws too) because the way myBPD manifests itself is similar to the 'red mist' people descibe with anger issues. I go ice cold (physically) when something triggered me, my ex said it was like a demon had posessed me because when i was the real me, he said i was so lovely, but when the switch was flipped, he said he could see it in my eyes that I couldn't control what I was doing or saying. To anyone who hasn't got these disorders it is impossible to understand, and sounds like an excuse or something.

 

Just thought I'd give a view from the other side, certainly not sticking up for anyone, but just saying it's a scary thing to know I may never get better, or be able to have a relationship. I'd love to be able to be the chilled out girlfriend, and most of the time I was , and I can say this with full confidence, a kind, caring. loving girlfriend who loved nothing better than making my ex happy, bringing him little treats, running him a bath, he alwys said he'd never connected with anyone on every level like he did with me.

 

Which is why I'm probably still not over the relationship ending (it was mutual, in that he was in tears saying over and over that inside he was screaming to not let this happe, and i was in tears saying I didn't either, but it had to happen, I was too ill to be in a relationship.) So no real closure, no falling out of love, no cheating or 'I never want to see you again'

 

He's 'seeing' someone else now, I wonder if you guys could tell me if going from a relationship with a BP girl to a 'normal' girl, was a huge relief or are there parts you miss?

 

I have two other ex's and they've both been back in contact with me in the last few months, saying there was always something missing with the relationships they had after me.

 

Oh a final note, I'm still working working working on exorcising those demons.

[CopingGal]

Lady Jadie, I'm sorry if you felt insulted. I was refering to my boyfriend as a nutter, not you. My boyfriend did terrible things to me. As I said in the posting, he has strong traits of APD and NPD. But if you took it personally, I can understand that, since you have a personality disorder yourself. I happen to know that while people like my ex who have antisocial personality disorder do not have a conscience, people with BPD do. I also know that people with BPD experience immense emotional suffering.

 

I commend you for coming on here and talking about yourself.

 

When I was in school, I learned about a particular form of cognitive behavior therapy tailored to help people with BPD. It's called Dialectical behavior therapy. As I remember, it's very intense therapy and takes a long time, but it can be successful.

 

Out of all the personality disorders, I think people with BPD experience the most suffering due to their disorder and I am truly sorry for the pain you have had due to this disorder.

Edited July 3, 2012 by CopingGal

[lady_jadie]

Copinggal

 

I'm not at all insulted, I didn't take any of that as a personal thing so please don't worry about that. It is a horrible disease to have (and I do believe it as a disease, I was born with it or at least nurtured into it, although my ex did once turn round to me and say 'It's not like it's a real illness, you havent been diagnosed with cancer or something have you?!)

That dialectal therapy sounds interesting, I'm certainly going to look it up as i have a session with a new therapist coming up next week. I've just kinda lost faith in therapy as I've been in in and out of different treatments since i was 14, starting with plain ol' counselling and progressing. I'm actually looking into Electro Convulsive Therapy now which I never thought I'd be doing at age 26 (always just hoped I'd 'grow out' of the issues)

 

I'm sorry for the awful things your ex did to you and totally understand, I believe my first boyfriend from ages 16-18 damaged me badly and gave me deep trust issues that form part of my disorder. he was also emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to me whilst switching to being caring, loving and meeting all my insecure needs.

 

Thankyou for noting the pain of BPD, and although you caused me no insult at all, thanyou for your apology. You sincerely come across as a kind, caring human being.

 

Jadie xx

[CopingGal]

Hi Jadie,

 

Thanks for your nice message. I have some information that I am going to pm you.

 

Have a great day.

[CopingGal]

Jadie,

 

A pm link didn't come up, so I'm going to put the info here.

Here is some information that you might find helpful. She wrote the book I read, although DBT does not appear in the title.

 

Linehan

 

Linehan's biography page

 

 

I hope one day I can have the same compassion toward my ex. I know he didn't ask to be born with strong APD and NPD traits, but it's really, really hard to not be angry and to be compassionate toward him because of things he did to me with a smile in his heart and no remorse. Maybe someday.

Edited July 4, 2012 by CopingGal

[Coffee20]

I was in love with my ex - I wasn't his type and he even told me directly to my eyes I wasn't his type. I couldn't do anything with it. I tried to look or behave like his types... but of course it didn't work, you can't really change yourself against your will.

 

I personally believe if you are not someone's type you will never be his/her type.

[CopingGal]

I was in love with my ex - I wasn't his type and he even told me directly to my eyes I wasn't his type. I couldn't do anything with it. I tried to look or behave like his types... but of course it didn't work, you can't really change yourself against your will.

 

I personally believe if you are not someone's type you will never be his/her type.

 

I tried to be more like my ex so we could be on the same page. I simply stopped putting in all effort into the relationship. I stopped putting ALL effort into the relationship. That lasted a few days. That's not me. I don't want a relationship in which I simply do nothing. I left him instead.