Ex broke up with me after 3 years. She just cut off all contact

[BlazePT]

Hello everybody,

 

It's been a while since I've been reading threads on this site and I'd like to share my story too... Please take some time to read it, even though it's a little bit long. Thanks in advance

 

So, this girl and I were best friends for about 5 years. She helped me deal with most of my major changes in my life, as well as I did to her. We always supported each other in everything.

 

In 2008, she began to fall in love with me, 5 months after her ex broke up with her. I didn't love her at that time and I let her know that. I was in love with someone else.

 

Nevertheless, she continued to like me, even though her ex came along 9 months after he broke up with her. They saw each other a couple of times and even had sex together but she cut him off completely. She didn't want to be with him any longer.

 

Well, about 3 months later (Feb 2009) she still liked me and I gave in and gave her a chance. I convinced myself that I would learn to love her, even if i didn't at that moment.

 

Well, it happened. I fell in love and although i didn't know it then, i had never been so happy in my life. It was a great feeling not only having a best friend but also a great girlfriend.

 

We kind of got used to each other. We actually did all stuff together and even slept together for about at least 5 days a week, in our parents' houses.

 

I was against it. I knew we would get too used to each other, but I couldn't resist the look of her face when i was at her home and i told her "Well, it's late, i have to go now"... She just didn't want me to leave. She wanted me to sleep with her (not necessarily for the sex but for the companionship).

 

Well... about 6 - 8 months ago, we started having a little issues, for the first time in our relationship. Nothing really serious though. We still slept together and did all things together.

 

This year, on may 6th, after an argument the night before, she came to my house and wanted to talk things over. She said she needed some time and she wasn't really happy with the relationship. She said that we were sort of more confortable and used to each other rather than really in love with each other.

 

She said she didn't want to end up like her parents. I kind of agreed, but also panicked a little.

 

Well we kind of maintained contact for the first week and even got together one time, but the last time we talked or saw each other was one week after the first talk (roughly a month ago). It's been no contact ever since (well, not actually, I still saw her FB every now and then).

 

Ok, about a week and a half ago, she went to talk to a friend of mine. She told him she misses me and she gets really anxious especially when she goes to bed. As it seems, she visited my facebook profile a lot more often than i did. She also told him that she doesn't want to be in a relationship any time soon and that she is a bit upset about how things ended up so abruptly.

 

Last sunday, though, after I posted some pictures of me having fun with some friends and stuff, she blocked me. I came to know that, at the time she done it, she was completely devastated, but she has really good friends that are supporting her completely during this time.

 

She's been able to fill the hole rather better than me. She has been going out with friends and stuff and getting really drunk (she never done those things when we were together. It's hard to believe it).

 

I won't lie. I feel like I should be the one having that so much fun Lol. I'm actually a bit jealous and I feel like I should have those kinds of friends too. I have my friends but they're the home-staying type. They don't go out that much.

 

Ok, so this is where I stand: I'm completely astonished to how someone can just cut you off, after telling you the day before that they loved you more than anything in life. Even though I confess that I didn't know what I felt for her anymore, I'm completely heart-broken. I NEVER saw this coming.

 

I'm pretty hurt. I never thought that one day she would just cut me off like that. We were best friends before... How can she be happy without me in her life?

 

I feel an enormous void now, since I feel like my stronghold for the hard times has been taken away from me. All our plans, dreams, hopes, even my college plans have been destroyed in a matter of seconds.

 

Is this a "GIGS" syndrome? lol. Will she ever try to contact me? Will we ever see each other again? It's difficult to imagine my life without her as a gf or even as a friend... If it has to happen, I'll have to let it happen.

 

Again, thanks a lot for reading and please share with me some advice and maybe similar stories...

 

Cheers!

 

Additional info: We're both 23 years old; I'm in college; She has her own business.

[iPhone]

Well you sound like you're progressing quite naturally and healthily considering the circumstances. Based on what you said, anyway. You sound quite level-headed... so I would truly only say to stay the course. It sounds like she was the weird one here... unless you care to post more about your relationship, so I could make a more in-depth evaluation...

[BlazePT]

Well you sound like you're progressing quite naturally and healthily considering the circumstances. Based on what you said, anyway. You sound quite level-headed... so I would truly only say to stay the course. It sounds like she was the weird one here... unless you care to post more about your relationship, so I could make a more in-depth evaluation...

 

Ok, I can add some more details that I've cared to think about since the breakup:

 

On the first 2 years, or so, we used to do many different things. We spent all the time together but never let things come into a routine. I used to work at part-time jobs and i had money to spend on travelling, gifts, etc and i really enjoyed doing those things.

 

Since I started college, about 1 year and 9 months ago, I spent much more time studying and in college doing some homeworks and projects. I admit that i didn't really give so much attention to our relationship, also because the only money i got was given to me by my parents. So, things went more into a routine. We didn't do so much travelling and stuff like before, but still managed to go out some times. Things went like this until the breakup.

 

To be honest, about 1 year and 6 months into the relationship, i felt like it was getting stale... I remember her being next to me and i felt like i didn't really care. I was beating myself up because of this. I didn't want to hurt her but at the same time I didn't know if I loved her anymore and if i did, in what way did I love her.

 

But at that time I talked to a friend of mine about it and he said "Don't worry about it, just don't think too much into it. You'll see that it's nothing". And so I did. And some time later I ceased to feel it.

 

About our sex life, in the beginning of the relationship, she always acted like a crazy nympho around me Lol... Every time we were alone with each other would be an excuse having sex. The thing is, I was a virgin and I didn't really feel like going to quickly into that step. I was beginning to know her in ways that i didn't ever know.

 

So, we first had intercourse 3 weeks into our relationship. I felt like it was too soon and we were taking things too quickly, but I was also curious... I admit that it really felt good (of course ).

 

I was the first person who managed to completely satisfy her. I mean making her have orgasms. Her first boyfriend, of 2 years, never made her happy in that way, but they had sex every single day. So i was really satisfied that I could be able to please her in that way and she was really happy about it.

 

But this is also where the problem began:

About 3 months into our relationship, we started having less sex than usual. We actually could sleep for 5 days a week and only have sex 1 time. I wanted to have sex and she saw that but she really didn't care, many times. Sometimes i got really pissed off since she got to the point of teasing me after a dinner and in the car, only to just get into bed and sleep, while i was there, ready for something more. I felt like after she knew what it was like to be pleased sexually, she just lost the interest in it.

 

This is how it has been since then until the breakup. Sometimes better, sometimes worse, but she just hadn't got the sex drive she used to have in the beginning. This led to some arguments and I wanted to work things out with her, because I didn't feel like it was normal. We even talked about going into counseling but we never actually went there.

 

The last argument we had was the night before our breakup and the main subject was also the lack of sex drive. I admit that i was also very, very stressed about a stupid college work so I know I've said things that I shouldn't have said. Next day she told me that she went home crying and cried until 3 a.m. ... Just writing about this is making me feel really sad and sorry . I actually apologized so much to her, the day after...

 

So, the way I see it now is: we let ourselves go into a routine. We loved each other, but not necessarily were "in love " with each other. On the breakup, she told me that she felt like I loved her more than she loved me. That's when I told her that I've felt that same way before, but never really gave it much thought.

 

It's also kind of hard to accept this, since last week we were together she would tell and text me things like "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING" and "never ever ever doubt of my love for you" or "please finish college soon, so we can move together"... HOW in the hell can someone say things like those and just cut you off suddenly, next day???

 

iPhone, i know that I'm taking things very naturally, because I know what to do now. I know what steps I have to take to get over this, even though it's the first time in my 23 years of existence that I'm going through something like this.

 

However, I can't stop thinking about her all day long. I can sleep well only during the day, but I always dream about her. When I try to sleep at night, I wake up in panic about 2 hours later and can't sleep anymore. It's affecting my school as well. I've already failed at 3 subjects this semester and I've got an exam next wednesday and another a week later and I haven't had the clean head to start studying.

 

I was actually starting to feel better, right up until she blocked me on facebook, last week... Only because I was maintaining NC and I felt like not only this was breaking NC, but also that this was a personal offense.

 

It's actually really disturbing imagining that as I'm writing this, at about 3 a.m. GMT, she is probably having fun at a disco or at a club or something like that, with who knows who, and dancing and well dressed, with a new haircut or something and probably drunk as well only to get home at about 7 or 8 a.m. , to wake up about 2 hours later and go to church... It's hard to accept it since she never really did those things when we were together, and I wanted her to do those things. And now she is doing it but she's no longer mine...

 

Sorry for the long post, hope this helps...

Edited June 17, 2012 by BlazePT

[olddirtyspatula]

Monogamy's a bitch, isn't it? From best friends to noting, years of relationship instantly up in flames because your best friend didn't want to have sex with you anymore. Or wanted to, but also wanted to have sex with someone else. Even though your relationship, your best-friendship, was so much more than sexual, it can still be destroyed by something somewhat tangential. A disturbance in the genital-bloodflow means we can't hang out and listen to Tom Waits anymore.

 

I'm not advocating for open relationships. Everyone I know that has been in them has been self-deluded and miserable. I'm just sayin. What an inconsistent world we live in.

 

I have a question, and maybe I should start a new thread instead of hijacking yours. But I see on a lot of threads this focus on not breaking NC, like it's the most important thing on he road to recovery. But isn't that inconsistent with hating your exes for not contacting you? I broke up with my ex a little over a year ago and did him a horrible crime by ignoring him and not giving him proper closure to vent. We broke up over email and had a few phone calls and that's it. I know that that was horrible and I'm still working out why I did that and wtf was going on, what part of me was able to convince myself that that was okay.

BUT here's my genuine question;

I emailed him about 5 months afterwards to apologize and got no response. I had been wondering for awhile if I even should contact him, because I remembered how upset he used to get when his ex would contact him (when he and I were together). But I contact him anyway, no response. Fair enough. Then I contacted him again about 5 months later, a long letter of apologies and telling him how awful I am. No response. I emailed him a couple of times and finally got a response.

 

I guess my question is, he hates me because I didn't contact him, and he also hates me because I later persistently pursued him, insisted on contacting him. So is the lesson that I should have contacted him sooner to avoid being hated, or I'm going to be hated no matter what and the superficial reasons are irrelevant because the hatred springs from the betrayal, not the NC? Why is it an honorable act to religiously maintain NC when you're the dumpee, but a crime when you're the dumper?

[BlazePT]

Monogamy's a bitch, isn't it? From best friends to noting, years of relationship instantly up in flames because your best friend didn't want to have sex with you anymore. Or wanted to, but also wanted to have sex with someone else. Even though your relationship, your best-friendship, was so much more than sexual, it can still be destroyed by something somewhat tangential. A disturbance in the genital-bloodflow means we can't hang out and listen to Tom Waits anymore.

 

I'm not advocating for open relationships. Everyone I know that has been in them has been self-deluded and miserable. I'm just sayin. What an inconsistent world we live in.

 

I have a question, and maybe I should start a new thread instead of hijacking yours. But I see on a lot of threads this focus on not breaking NC, like it's the most important thing on he road to recovery. But isn't that inconsistent with hating your exes for not contacting you? I broke up with my ex a little over a year ago and did him a horrible crime by ignoring him and not giving him proper closure to vent. We broke up over email and had a few phone calls and that's it. I know that that was horrible and I'm still working out why I did that and wtf was going on, what part of me was able to convince myself that that was okay.

BUT here's my genuine question;

I emailed him about 5 months afterwards to apologize and got no response. I had been wondering for awhile if I even should contact him, because I remembered how upset he used to get when his ex would contact him (when he and I were together). But I contact him anyway, no response. Fair enough. Then I contacted him again about 5 months later, a long letter of apologies and telling him how awful I am. No response. I emailed him a couple of times and finally got a response.

 

I guess my question is, he hates me because I didn't contact him, and he also hates me because I later persistently pursued him, insisted on contacting him. So is the lesson that I should have contacted him sooner to avoid being hated, or I'm going to be hated no matter what and the superficial reasons are irrelevant because the hatred springs from the betrayal, not the NC? Why is it an honorable act to religiously maintain NC when you're the dumpee, but a crime when you're the dumper?

 

That's a good point indeed.

 

The thing is, even though it's really hard for me to accept it, maybe she did this for her too. To be able to heal properly. To stop having the temptation of checking out what I was up to and stuff... And, although it's hard for me to admit it, it's probably for the best in the long run...

 

In my case, it's more like "How did she have the GUTS to just say goodbye to such an amazing story? (come to think about it, it's a rethorical question, actually) She's never been like this before, even when she liked me at first and I told her to move on, since I didn't really a future in us.".

 

So, the way I see it, one cannot place the blame on the dumper if he/she chooses to go NC. Not also it enables them to heal but it also enables the dumpee to heal as well.

[ihateslowjams]

olddirtyspatula, i think the reason why its a crime to break NC for the dumpee(s) is because they need to to heal themselves and to prevent themselves from remembering their ex, which causes them pain. The dumper(s) could have reached out to them anytime, but would only hurt the dumpee more if their intent is only to apologize or relieve guilt.

 

I believe in your situation, you should have reached out to him sooner. With the amount of time you both took apart, he could have completely gotten over you. He was hurt and the only thing he could have done was to focus on himself and to try to forget about you and move on. However, he MIGHT not have gotten over you because he has anger/resentment towards your last few contacts with one another. If my ex came back and wanted to reconcile, I too would be weary of her and need to see her actions and not believe her words.

 

We dumpers have been hurt badly and are just shielding ourselves. Its like sticking your finger in an electrical socket. Once you feel the pain, you are scared to even come close to one.

[ihateslowjams]

Blazept, im in the same boat as you, except she gave me additional reasons that were pointed towards my status in life. my ex was 23, I'm 27, and we were together for 3 1/2 years. She graduated school and has a successful career already while i still lived at home, going to a community college, and work part time. we broke up 2 weeks ago but I've only maintained NC for 1 week so far. I contacted her once through Facebook to apologize to her for trying to convince her to stay, how she was an amazing woman and I'm a fool for losing her, and wished her luck and true happiness.

 

This feeling that i have over the break up is ridiculous. How much I've invested into the relationship was not even considered at all and thrown out the window. Ive been going through family problems, school problems, and work problems for the past few months which has brought me down drastically, but she saw it as a flaw because I'm now too depressed.

 

I feel for your because i know what you're going through. You did everything you thought you should do to make her happy. Im rooting for your ex to realize her mistakes and contact you in the future. I believe mine will never because she is the most stubborn and prideful person i know.

 

I keep trying to tell myself that theres not point in trying to analyze her and her decision to leave you, whether its GIGS or because theres another man involved. I realized its useless thoughts and energy wasted trying to find answers that aren't 100% true. Just keep improving yourself and your lifestyle. Ive been trying desperately to keep myself busy by reading a java book and hanging out with friends.

 

If she ever does decide to contact you, it won't be anytime soon. The amount of time from now, until then is valuable and must not be wasted in being depressed. Use this time to your advantage and start doing things you only imagined before.

[olddirtyspatula]

olddirtyspatula, i think the reason why its a crime to break NC for the dumpee(s) is because they need to to heal themselves and to prevent themselves from remembering their ex, which causes them pain. The dumper(s) could have reached out to them anytime, but would only hurt the dumpee more if their intent is only to apologize or relieve guilt.

 

I believe in your situation, you should have reached out to him sooner. With the amount of time you both took apart, he could have completely gotten over you. He was hurt and the only thing he could have done was to focus on himself and to try to forget about you and move on. However, he MIGHT not have gotten over you because he has anger/resentment towards your last few contacts with one another. If my ex came back and wanted to reconcile, I too would be weary of her and need to see her actions and not believe her words.

 

We dumpers have been hurt badly and are just shielding ourselves. Its like sticking your finger in an electrical socket. Once you feel the pain, you are scared to even come close to one.

You're completely right. I did things out of order when they suited me and then put myself in a position of innocence when the selfishness was pointed out.

"Why are you mad? I pulled a knife out of your chest?"

"Well, you're the one that put it there in the first place, and you only pulled it out now because you needed it to make yourself a sandwich."

How horribly obvious and obviously horrible. Thank you.