Had a great time with Ex. Now what?

[aspire]

I posted awhile back about me and my ex breaking up. I have been trying the no contact thing for a while, which is kinda awkward because we work together, but lately she has been trying to talk to me more and more. Sunday she asked me if I would go to lunch with her and I said no, she said she had something to tell me and that she can't tell me at that moment, so I went to lunch with her.

 

At lunch we talked about what we have been up to lately and what we had planned for the summer. When I asked her what she was going to tell me she said she really had nothing to tell me she just wanted to talk and hang out, cause we don't do that anymore at work. During lunch she said she had the rest of the day off and didn't know what to do, and kept saying that she wanted to go see a movie. I told her earlier that I was thinking about taking the rest of the day off being how slow it was at work. She said she wanted to go to the movies with me. We ended up having almost a 3 hour lunch.

 

At the movies everything seemed to be going great, almost like we were dating again. About the middle of the movie we ended up sitting closer and holding hands for the rest of the movie. After the movie I took her home and the whole drive to her house I so wanted to kiss her and I think she wanted too. When we got to her place we both ended up giving each other a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I texted her later that night telling her that thanks for a good movie and that I had great time.

 

We both haven't talked since then. Can anybody tell me what happened that day? Is she remotely still interested? or did she just want to talk and hang out? I still miss her and I possibly want to try again. I will be seeing her tomorrow at work, Do I say anything to her or go back to the no contact thing? What do I do at this point?

[StartingAgain]

Well, she's certainly reaching out to you. She probably misses you as much as you miss her. Does it mean that she wants you back or does she just want to be friends? I don't know. I think it's good you didn't try to kiss her. The holding hands, the hug and the kiss on the cheek was enough for that meeting. Now it's your turn. Don't move too fast. Take it easy and keep things kind of cordial. Talk her up a bit at work. See how she reacts. Not too much and do not come onto her. At this point, don't talk about why the two of you split. If it seems that she's really warm to you after a week or so ask her out to dinner or something. It won't be too long before you'll know what she wants. If she wants to get together again, at some point, the two of you need to have a good, honest talk about why you split up before. No blame gaming, no arguing, etc. The point should be to do what a couple is supposed to do and communicate openly and honestly. The goal is to agree on a way not to let it happen again.

 

Best of luck to you.

[aspire]

So hear is an update on what has been going on in the past week. Since the movie we have been talking to each other on occasion everyday. Last Friday she asked me if I was going to one of our friends party later that night and I was really unsure of going, so she asked me if I wanted to go to a comedy club with her so that where we ended up. In the middle of the show we were holding hands and sitting really close which I gave her a kiss. after the show we decided to get something to eat, we ended up getting to a restaurant but not making it in, we both decided to go back to my place for you know what. she ended up spending the night.

 

On Saturday, we both were pretty tired and we both had to work in the morning, she went home early she said she was exhausted so she was going to take a nap and do some homework tonight which is funny cause she is on summer break but she is starting early on homework. Later that night around 11PM she text me asking what i was doing, I was about to get something to eat and trying to do something, and i asked her if she wanted to come along and take a break from school work. We ended up go to a casino and hanging out until 3 in the morning.

 

On the 4th of July I had to work and she got the day off. Later in the day she showed up to work saying that they called her in, she had been there for an hour looking for me. through out the day she just hung out with me and we just bs the whole day. that night i asked her if she wanted to do something tonight. she really wasn't positive if she did or not, but to call her later. we ended up watching the fireworks show and supposed to light some fireworks. but the night was cut short when she started to get tired so i took her home.

 

This past week has been great and it seems like we have never broke up. It's my birthday next week and I just told her that I just wanted to be alone on that day, that is what I normally do on my birthday(just some alone time). She has been wanting to take me out for the past week and i have been declining every invitation, but she just won't stop asking. She won't tell me why she really wants to take me out other than I took her out for her birthday and she had a great time and she wants to do the same for me. (our first date was on her birthday). Should I let her do what she has planed for me? and really where do we stand with one another? are we dating again or just friends? This is how things ended for us last time cause she had no time for a relationship. Do i just go with the flow and let nature take it's course? I really don't want to rush things like last time and ruin everything.

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

[StartingAgain]

I'd say you are rushing headlong now. Seeing/talking to her everyday. You had sex. I don't know why you don't want to accept her invitation to take you out on your birthday. You acan still spend most of the day alone and still go out with her.

 

Slow down a bit and don't over-analyze. Sounds like the two of you "party" quite a bit. That life syle may be where you want to be right now and there's nothing wrong with that. But you know what? It isn't terribley compatible with having a serious committed relationship. You said that the relationship ended originally because of a lack of time. the same thing will happen again if the two of you insist on working, going out all the time, etc. etc. Once you decide to really have a committed relationship with this woman, the two of you must focus on and spend most of your time together. This doesn't mean that you never go out and have some fun or that you don't do things separately, but only that you must devote most of your energy to one another rather than to external things. If either or both of you aren't ready to do this, consider yourselves friends for awhile.

[Kate]

startingagain: good advice. i will take it too. my ex and i have just started hanging out again after a few weeks apart. i could only do the NC thing for 9 1/2 days. i cracked. he said he needed space, but that it wasn't over. i told him it was and not to contact me until he wanted a committed relationship. but after NC, things got better. i am in the same exact spot as my friend here on this post. like him, my ex offered to help me move and i took him up on the offer. we had an amazing dinner with my dad, laughed, etc. last wednesday . the wed. before that we just talked and did the kiss on the cheek thing. but last wed. after helping me move, we ended up sleeping together. it was sweet and felt like we never broke up. then i saw him last night -- same thing happened. i asked him to the movies tonight after 8pm.

 

it's so hard -- being careful about taking the right "steps" to get back to where you need to be to to be together in a healthy way. this issues you had never go away -- but they need to be dealt with differently and by each person. i am madly in love with my ex and don't care about doing anything but being with him again. i want to be with him all the time, its like an addiction. but one person always seems more ready than the other -- in this case, i'm a LOT more ready. you have to make sure you respect their space and yours enough to get things back to normal

 

if NC was so successful in both of you seeing how much the other one meant, then take that as an approach to your renewed relationship if that in fact happens. the more space between your encounters the better...esp. if the encounters are positive. just try not to bring anything negative up, but do indirectly mention what needs to be worked on -- i'm not big on talking about it since deep down we both know anywayy. and we wouldn't be even talking again unless we wanted to somewhat work on things.

[StartingAgain]

Kate, I generally agree with what you say except for one thing:

 

just try not to bring anything negative up, but do indirectly mention what needs to be worked on -- i'm not big on talking about it since deep down we both know anyway

 

At some point these negative things must be discussed and they must be discussed directly, although I agree that this shouldn't be done until intimacy is firmly reestablished. negative issues cannot be ignored or skirted. The key to a successful relationship is honest, open and respectful commmunication. In every relationship, we make mistakes. We must be secure enough in ourselves to admit our mistakes and make ammends where necessary. We must also listen fully and carefully to what our mate has to say. Sometimes this isn't easy and we have to admit faults that we'd rather not face. But by doing so we show our mates that we are willing to face our own demons for the good of not only our selves, but for him/her. A healthy realationship is about meeting your mates needs and he/she meeting yours. We can't expect a bed or roses without a few thorns.