Trouble falling in love again...

[Kanejd]

I am in a dilemma and would like some advice on the situation. I met and fell in love with this wonderful woman during the Summer of 2002. She had relocated over two hours away to be with me after dating for 7 months. I had promised her the world and fell through on everything (laziness, procrastination, lying, financial stupidity). I became self-loathing and she distanced herself from me by going out with fiends all the time and eventually cheating on me right after she informed me she was moving four hours away to live with her sister. I found this out months later.

 

She told me that she needed time to get her professional life in order and get out on her own and that she would consider reuniting if I "got my act together." I promised I would. However, I pushed her for months; I attempted to visit her every weekend and try to show her that I was changing. This only accomplished pushing her away even more.

 

I gave up and began the long process of self-evaluation and growth. I began to date again after another month (so did she as I found out from one of her friends boyfriends), but with the main goal of getting back with my ex. I this time I landed a job in the city where she moved to; I wasn't supposed to start for 4 months (gov't job). Two months later, she called me to talk about closure. When I told her that I wanted her back and that I found a job in her area, she immediately reconsidered and wanted to meet to talk (this was around Christmas time and our parents live in the same area). After speaking for a while, she commented that she noticed that I have changed and that she was really proud of me. She indicated that she loved me, but she was not "in love with me" anymore.

 

Several weeks later, she offered to take off from work to help me find an apartment. After I moved in the area. We started spending all our time together. However, it felt like we were just friends. No romance or affection, just good friends. After several months of this, we decided that her feelings were not coming around despite her desire to fall in love with me again. We spoke to a relationship counselor who indicated that she didn't trust me and it was going to take time. Also, that I need to have balance and not be with her everyday and give her time to miss me and anticipate the next time we are going to be together.

 

After a couple weeks of this, it seems that the situation is unchanged. It is my birthday today, and she gave me a card that she could have given to her best friend (not even remotely romantic). We are going away on vacation for a week to a romantic island in hopes that this might give us time to concentrate on ourselves and light that spark.

 

Some background: I am a 33 year old attorney, very open with my emotions and extremely selfless and giving; she is almost 26 and a retail manager, she finds it hard to open up emotionally and has difficulty with intimacy.

 

Can anyone offer a suggestion or some clearer direction than my present course?

[meanon]

Does she agree with the counsellor that there is a lack of trust? If she finds it hard to open up and express intimacy then the pressure from the weight of expectations (yours and hers) may well be making the problem worse. It has only been two weeks since you backed off a little, I think that it may be far too soon for her feelings to have changed. Continue to give her more space so that rather than focusing on how she is feeling, she begins to transfer her attention to you. Affection grows through engagement with others.

 

Falling in love is a risk. She has not been able to let you go despite a period of separation. For now she has you as a friend, it's safe. It may be that it is only when she contemplates the possibility of losing you that she knows for sure whether she is prepared to risk her heart again. I hope it works out for you both.