tojaz Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Just when you think its over. Finally fought my way to a place where i have managed to glue most of the pieces together. Getting stronger and have been back out in the real world for awhile, a curve ball I never saw coming and really wasn't ready for. Spending the weekend with my nephews and out of the blue the youngest, now 8 turns to me and says he misses his aunt and wishes she was there. Despite all the time that has passed i instantly feel like someone had just punched me in the gut. We talked for a bit about some of the good times I didn't really even think he'd remember and hoped that would be the end. It wasn't and throughout the day he would come back to it over and over. How he hoped she was ok and how he wished he could show her how good he was doing in school because she used to help him with his spelling and such. I have never felt so unprepared and had drawn a complete blank on what to do. The only thing I could come up with was to address and stamp an envelope to her office so he could write her when he gets home. I don't know if thats a wise decision or not, but I couldn't really tell him that she didn't want to hear from him, he wouldn't understand. Not really sure why i decided to post this except maybe to remind some of the people who pass through here that are thinking about walking away. Your actions effect and hurt a lot more people then you may ever realize. TOJAZ 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Ouch.. I would explain to him (with input from his parents) that since you and his (ex) aunt are divorced and no longer together, it means sadly for him, that she isn't in his life anymore. Allow him to feel what he feels (since divorce affects many people, not just husband/wife and kids, extended family and friends also are affected and need to grieve the loss, cope with changes) Let him know that she loved and still loves him but since she isn't part of the family anymore, it's best to remember the fun and nice memories and leave it just at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I have never felt so unprepared and had drawn a complete blank on what to do. The only thing I could come up with was to address and stamp an envelope to her office so he could write her when he gets home. I don't know if thats a wise decision or not, but I couldn't really tell him that she didn't want to hear from him, he wouldn't understand. No he wouldn't understand at this age and it'll just hurt him to know that.. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I'm sorry for your pain. It may be best to tell the child that it's best and more effective to ask a person directly - as you can't speak for her. The envelope and encouragement for him to communicate directly with her is smart! Good for you in providing a nice way for him to write to her! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Sorry. Good response from you. I am surprised that he remembers her that well when he must have been 5 when he saw her last. Hugs to you, Tojaz, and Happy father's day. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Handling "new" surprises neutrally when they come up is healthy. Things come up! What YOU do with them shows YOUR growth! It did affect you - but not to the point that you are REELING from it. (hopefully) The challenges show our strength - and they usually only happen when we feel safe enough to tackle the adversity. Kudos for that! Keep growing... I can't change my PAST - but I can change the NOW! Getting neutral is key - I don't like being negatively affected! I can focus on the good that's changed... I CHOOSE to be happy without needing to be married. THAT is growth for ME! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Sorry. Good response from you. I am surprised that he remembers her that well when he must have been 5 when he saw her last. Hugs to you, Tojaz, and Happy father's day. Well I have always been very active in my nephews lives. Often times spending more time with them then their father. She played a large role with them too. She is an educator so she had become the go to person for things like that, it was always something that she had seemed to enjoy. It makes me happy and sad at the same time that she was able to make such an impact on him. Despite the nastiness of our swan song, I knew that she had made a very positive contribution to their lives. The youngest especially. She deserves to be missed, I had just hoped he wouldn't realize that I guess. I'm sorry for your pain. It may be best to tell the child that it's best and more effective to ask a person directly - as you can't speak for her. The envelope and encouragement for him to communicate directly with her is smart! Good for you in providing a nice way for him to write to her! I'm hoping it was smart, but am also dreading what kind of response it might bring if she chooses to reply.... or the effect on him if she doesn't. I tried to downplay the chances of her writing back due to her being busy and such. I just hope hes still young enough to buy in to those fibs. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 No he wouldn't understand at this age and it'll just hurt him to know that.. I agree. My STBXW is taking my 4 and 2 year old boys to a counselor. They are being forced to learn terms like "divorce", my eldest son knows his mommy took her ring off, etc. Even the counselor told me that she ordinarily doesn't counsel kids at that young age. She said it generally does more for the parents. Sometimes you're better off just telling young children the minimal amount and letting them figure it out--all the while loving them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 16, 2012 Author Share Posted August 16, 2012 Just thought I'd follow up, as I heard today that she had chosen to reply to my nephews letter. I don't know what was said and really don't think I want to know, except that it was positive and kind, and set his little mind at ease. A little more respect for the ex and glad to know that theres a little heart left in her. Today was a good day. TOJAZ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ver13 Posted August 16, 2012 Share Posted August 16, 2012 Just thought I'd follow up, as I heard today that she had chosen to reply to my nephews letter. I don't know what was said and really don't think I want to know, except that it was positive and kind, and set his little mind at ease. A little more respect for the ex and glad to know that theres a little heart left in her. Today was a good day. TOJAZ I don't your situation with your EX but I feel like you handled this event the best way that you could based off the situation. I'm glad that she reach out to little man and whatever she wrote I feel like it was the right thing for now. Most people never really realize how intertwined their relationships are with the extended family. It's good to see you looking out for his welfare in this thing that you and she have gone through. As for your EX maybe this will let her know that it is not always about me some times it's about we. Link to post Share on other sites
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