How to make friends for a lifelong loner?

[dmmm]

Hi

I’m 27 male. Don’t have any friends in my town not family. Work alone.

 

 

 

I’m so lonely.

 

 

 

I’ve always been a loner. Most of the time I’ve been ok with it, enjoyed my own company, always felt uncomfortable with other people. However recently I’ve fallen hard for the person who is my only friend. I know she doesn’t feel the same way.

 

 

 

So the advice to get over a person is to go out and meet new people etc.

 

 

 

That’s my problem. I’m not a personable person. Very shy, have never really been well liked.

 

 

 

How do you begin to make friends with people when you haven’t all your life? I try to talk to people but it’s like I have an aura that people don’t want to be with me. Plus I have very little of any interest to say as I live such a sheltered life.

 

 

 

Plus I have no hobbies, and no real interest in getting any. I’ve got some health problems so sport and gym is out.

 

 

 

I just wonder around my house wishing she would contact me. What I wouldn’t give for just one good friend right now. As I’ve become more and more isolated the last 5 years I can’t see myself really becoming good friends with anyone new now. I just don’t have the skills.

[Oncehadluv]

Sounds like a self defeating personality, go out and get a cup of coffee, go inside not drive thru... Start with small steps

[JWalsh]

First off you got to get rid of that negative attitude. You ever hear that saying "You are what you eat" well you are what you say you are. If your telling yourself that your a unlikable person then that's what you want people to think of you. That will be your first impression? You think someone is going to want to talk to someone who doesn't even like themselves? Positive thinking will help you.

 

Have you ever told that person that you liked them?

 

I used to be shy as hell, forget about me going to talk to girls or even socializing with other people. I overcame it tho with some small steps. For one I always made sure I was comfortable with the way I looked, so new clothes and a new haircut. That took one of the problems away from my anxiety to approach people. Second I took small steps, and by small steps I started making small talk with people, I would just talk to random people about the weather, or the disaster in china, or what ever. From there I met people by just having small conversation's with them. I know you ain't got many friends and you might not be getting calls everyday to do something, but when it does come about, just be a yes man. Get out of your comfort zone and experience life.

 

Hope this helped.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk further and got more questions.

 

Sincerely,

Jeremy

[CopingGal]

I think you should do some volunteer work. That way you can be around people in (hopefully) a friendly environment. It's a way to be around people without the pressure of forming friends. Just be around people. Volunteer at a school, a shelter, a hospital, and animal shelter, a food pantry...anywhere where you can just be around people doing good in this world. Take baby steps....baby steps.

[Mr Scorpio]

Cultivate some interests and hobbies! You must be interested in something! Like to read? Hang out at book stores. Like live music? Go see some concerts and talk to some people during set-breaks. If you can walk and throw a frisbee, take up disc-golfing.

[dmmm]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Jwalsh - I do try to have a positive outlook but just get down easily over the smallest detail. I have started to do that lately and I do feel better about myself knowing I have a fairly decent look, making the best of my hair etc. It's just the next little baby step of talking to anyone, small talk whatever, I can't do..and I have literally nobody calling me asking to do things!

 

CopingGal - I'm just not confident that I can really contribute anything useful to a charity. Would probably just make everyone there feel awkward.

 

Mr Scorpio - I'll have a hard thinking about hobbies but again just think if I turned up at these clubs I'd just be a downer for everyone else

[CopingGal]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Jwalsh - I do try to have a positive outlook but just get down easily over the smallest detail. I have started to do that lately and I do feel better about myself knowing I have a fairly decent look, making the best of my hair etc. It's just the next little baby step of talking to anyone, small talk whatever, I can't do..and I have literally nobody calling me asking to do things!

 

CopingGal - I'm just not confident that I can really contribute anything useful to a charity. Would probably just make everyone there feel awkward.

 

Mr Scorpio - I'll have a hard thinking about hobbies but again just think if I turned up at these clubs I'd just be a downer for everyone else

 

I have one good friend. Nobody calls my house and asks me to do things. My friend lives with me. But before him, for years people did not call my house and ask me to do things. Much of my adult like has been like that.

 

I know how that feels. I've spent much of my life alone. But that does not mean that you and me are bad people. Someone once told me that I put people off because I'm so tall. Some of the nicest people I know have no friends. There are many reasons why people have no friends. But you have to start liking yourself first. So what if no one calls you to do things with? Screw them. Screw them all. You have you. I know it feels bad. Believe me I know. But still, you have to get in this state of mind...so what? Screw them!

 

When my ex threw the fact that he had a new gf in my face, I said "So what? I have me."

 

You have you. Be a friend to yourself. Take yourself places that you can have an interesting time alone like a museum, or a bookstore.

 

Don't worry about having friends right now. Get yourself together and work on you. Get out of your house and listen to the birds. Feel the breeze on your face. Go to a botanical garden and look at all the flowers.

[CopingGal]

Why don't you do some volunteer work on the internet? You don't have to worry about bringing people down because you won't be working with them.

 

There are people in jail because their religious beliefs are different from the beliefs of people who run their country. A man was thrown in jail for 25 years because he did not wash his hands before touching the Koran.

 

A woman was attacked, her face was painted black, she was paraded around town on a donkey and thrown in jail because she spoke out against Allah.

 

You can send emails to government leaders to advocate for these people.

 

Many reporters in China are in jail for just writing columns the government did not like. You can make a difference and you don't have to be with a group of people to do it.

 

Do something good, something important. Pick yourself up. You will feel better.

[CopingGal]

Also, consider adopting a shelter dog. You're not the only one who's lonely.

[dmmm]

I have one good friend. Nobody calls my house and asks me to do things. My friend lives with me. But before him, for years people did not call my house and ask me to do things. Much of my adult like has been like that.

 

I know how that feels. I've spent much of my life alone. But that does not mean that you and me are bad people. Someone once told me that I put people off because I'm so tall. Some of the nicest people I know have no friends. There are many reasons why people have no friends. But you have to start liking yourself first. So what if no one calls you to do things with? Screw them. Screw them all. You have you. I know it feels bad. Believe me I know. But still, you have to get in this state of mind...so what? Screw them!

 

When my ex threw the fact that he had a new gf in my face, I said "So what? I have me."

 

You have you. Be a friend to yourself. Take yourself places that you can have an interesting time alone like a museum, or a bookstore.

 

Don't worry about having friends right now. Get yourself together and work on you. Get out of your house and listen to the birds. Feel the breeze on your face. Go to a botanical garden and look at all the flowers.

 

Thanks again CopingGirl. That's the attitude I would love to have, to be totally confident in loving myself and not needing/letting any externality affect me. Much of the time I have been completely happy alone but lately (and more and more so) I do get the feeling that something (or someone) is missing.

 

As for the online volunteering, I've never thought of that. I would like to volunteer in person but like I say lack the confidence to do so. Do you have any links where I can help online in the meantime?

 

Thanks again

[CopingGal]

Thanks again CopingGirl. That's the attitude I would love to have, to be totally confident in loving myself and not needing/letting any externality affect me. Much of the time I have been completely happy alone but lately (and more and more so) I do get the feeling that something (or someone) is missing.

 

As for the online volunteering, I've never thought of that. I would like to volunteer in person but like I say lack the confidence to do so. Do you have any links where I can help online in the meantime?

 

Thanks again

 

 

Sure.

 

This one was posted in the forums before. You can stand up for people in foreign countries who have been put in jail because of their religious beliefs. You can send letters to those prisoners, or email government leaders. With some leaders, their boxes are so full, they are not getting any more. However, I've still been able to email some.

 

 

The Voice of the Martyrs' Be-A-Voice Network

 

 

Also you can help journalists in foreign countries who were put in jail for reporting certain news stories

 

PEN American Center - PEN Action Center

 

 

You can write to people in Tanzania and brighten up their day. You can do other fun things to like make English books for students learning English and more. It is very, very inexpensive to do. You send the items to Hearts of Unity in Wisconsin. Once a year they take the things over there. It's a really neat organization. You can write messages in Swahili, because they have translations on the site. This people are very poor who live hard lives. You can be a blessing to them.

 

Hearts in Unity - Feed, clothe and educate orphans and at-risk children in Tanzania Africa

 

 

You can do research for One Million Lights, an organization that brings solar powered flashlights to areas of the world where there is no electricity. Go to the Act Now tab. Go down the short menu to Volunteer. Look on their volunteer page and scroll down to the Research section.

 

One Million Lights

 

 

Have fun. If you dont' like these, let my know. I can give you more ideas.

Edited June 21, 2012 by CopingGal

[riverman]

Places are always looking for volunteers,try a local shelter or hospital. It's hard but taking baby steps is the answer. Try even going for walks in park and saying hello to someone,maybe comment on the weather. That 1st small scary step and keeping up with it is the key.

[CopingGal]

Places are always looking for volunteers,try a local shelter or hospital. It's hard but taking baby steps is the answer. Try even going for walks in park and saying hello to someone,maybe comment on the weather. That 1st small scary step and keeping up with it is the key.

 

He said that is confidence level is not up to the point that he can volunteer around people. So I gave him info on some projects he can do over the internet. Eventually he should try volunteering around people but he is not ready yet.

[CopingGal]

 

 

 

Plus I have no hobbies, and no real interest in getting any. I’ve got some health problems so sport and gym is out.

 

I have health problems so I cannot work out the way I want to. I do very, very, very low impact exercises...like the ones for seniors. I tailor them to fit me because of my health problems. I also do Chigong for beginners. It is very, very, very low impact. I can't do all the exercises for that either, but I do some of them and I tailor some of them. Chigong really, really helps. It was wonderful when I could do all of the exercises. It doesn't have a huge effect on me since I can't do everything, but it has enough of an impact that it helps me. It really does. Medition is good too. You should check out the book Meditation for Dummies. Deep breathing is good too.

 

Walking is good too. If you don't want to be around people, think about buying a treadmill.

 

Also, since you don't want to be around people, maybe you can get another animal instead of a dog that I suggested from a shelter that does not have to be walked.

 

 

God Bless

Edited June 21, 2012 by CopingGal

[dmmm]

Thanks again CopingGirl.

 

The lack of confidence in volunteering with people is more to do with feeling I won't really be a help for the organisation I am volunteering for. Suppose I'm not sure I can bring much to the table for them.

[CopingGal]

Why do you feel this way?

[dmmm]

Suppose I just think I wouldn't be able to actually help them. I'd be more of an hindrance with me being so awkward with people etc. Being so introverted think I would just bring everyone down.

[CopingGal]

Well, why don't you start a blog about what it feels like to be an awkward introvert? Maybe you can help other people just by letting other awkward introverts know they are not alone. You can include links to websites that help people build up their self-esteem.

[Wink Tobasco]

I don't know how much energy and time your work drains from you. instead of volunteering for free, consider part time work outside the home. You'll have co-workers and bosses to interact with and build skills. You'll have something in common with them, work duties. Mybe you'll find a friend here, maybe not. You'll bnifit from the interactions anyway. Eventually find another PT job with new people to learn from, keep doing that, you'll get better at dealing with new people. Maybe you'll even find a friend. (but don't rush it)