I think my wife had an affair

[guest]

I have been married for 16 years and we have 3 boys ages 11, 10, 5, for the past 5 years I suspect that my wife had an affair.

 

I found a message on her voicemail from a guy at her job begging her to go out with him, when I confronted her she denied that she had anything with this guy, then another message from a different guy asking to return his call, before that she was very concern about her weight and dressing sexy to work.

 

For a while we were fine but I notice that she flirts with men at her new job and I drove up to her job to find her talking with a guy outside of her workplace, I did not hear the conversation but it seemed like it was not about work because of the smiles, it seem more like the guy was hitting on her and she was enjoying it.

 

Now she says I am over reacting and that I dont trust her, I said that she needs to earn my trust after so many issues, then she said she is not interested in my trust.

I need advice fast because I am thinking about divorce but I dont want to hurt my kids, I feel that I can trust her anymore ( she has lied a few times).

I would hate to part with my kids but I also need my peace of mind.

 

Help me please, I will appreciate any advice.

 

Thanks.

[supermom]

I said that she needs to earn my trust after so many issues, then she said she is not interested in my trust.

 

Is she interested in counceling? Is she asking for a divorce through her actions?

[HokeyReligions]

There must be more to it then what you wrote. That sounds harmless. She can't control who is attracted to her, and for a woman who has been married for 16 years, and with kids, to have other men pay her some attention is flattering and a great ego boost! I love that and I'll flirt a bit too. But my husband knows that he can trust me 500%.

 

Instead of being confrontational, or jumping to conclusions, why not make a date with her to sit down and discuss your marriage. Tell her that you feel there is something missing and that you want to make sure that the marriage is healthy. Ask her what she may feel is missing and what she would like to see happen in the marriage. Be open and silent and really listen to her. Then you can tell her what you might think is a problem area and the ways in which you would like to see those problems addressed, or what results you want to achieve.

 

Try <removed> as a place to start gathering some information and for some things to use to help you in your conversations.

[dakest]

Hi I am not a guest anymore I really appreciate the advice from you all.

 

She is not asking for a divorce, I am the one that has brought it up a couple of times, other than what I've wrote the only thing is that she used to go out dancing some week ends with my sister and another female friend and when we used to live in N.Y.C. one of my brother told another brother of mine that he thought he saw her hand in hand with some guy in Manhattan but he was not sure it was her.

one other time her coworkers had a birthday party for her at a local club, I was going to drive her there but I had a few to many drinks at the house with my brothers and one of them that did not drink offered to drive her he said that when on the way there her cell phone rang a few times and she did not want to pick it up, when it rang again she took the call but did not want to talk much in front of my brother, he said the phone was loud and sounded like a male voice at the other end.

When he drop her off in front of the club he was suspicious and turned around and saw her in front of the club talking to a guy, just talking he said.

All of this things going on has made me very suspicious over this few years, she has always denied my suspicions.

What is confusing to me is that at home she takes care of me and the kids and our sex is great, at least I thing so you never know whats in people's mind, she is also very non talkative or open about things or about our problems.

 

Thanks in advance for the advice everybody.

[supermom]

if it is so harmless on her part, then ask her if you could go and/or meet these man friends, and say "I just want to make sure you're safe and they are trustworthy" so that you are protecting her as well.

 

Or take her out to a club on a date yourself. maybe that could be fun for you two.'

 

Hokey has great advise though about this, much more than I do.