What mostly determines the way your ex treats you after a break up

[dreamguy]

When someone dumps you then you are ultimately faced with two choices. You either chase them or you accept reality (even if you don't agree to it) and you let them go.

 

If you go for plan A (chasing them) then you have to understand that, according to statistics based on predictions of human behavior and thousands of years of experience in evolution, your ex will run away and they will even completely avoid you if you persist in your relentless pursuit. This will make you lose them.

Now why is that ? Simply because the more you struggle to win them back, the more they feel precious and unique in your eyes. We all know that what makes the price of something go up is scarcity and desirability. No two persons are alike, so you can say that every person is scarce (hard to find someone exactly like them) and of course your ex will still be desirable to you since they were the ones who left you (not vice versa).

When you chase your ex they feel more powerful and power has been a well known aphrodisiac since the beginning of times ! There's even a saying that goes like this "If you want to test a person, give them power !"

Take a silly example from real life. Say you want to buy a used but rare car. You step into the dealer's office and you immediately tell him/her "I love this red car you have outside, it's my dream car ! So how much is it worth ?"

One thing is for sure, if the price he had set for the car was something like 20,000 USD then he'll make it 30,000 USD just after hearing your words and you can bet he will not decrease that price by one cent no matter how hard you try !!!". The car is rare (so it's scarce) and he knows you desire it. Bingo !! You're toast.

Now say you walk away after realizing it's too expensive and it's not worth it then he would probably say something like "hold on, I'm sure we can work something out. How about 27,000 USD? What do you say ?".

To make a long story short, it's all about how much you show that something/someone is valuable in your own eyes !! The more you make it obvious to them the higher the price will become because THEY KNOW THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT !!

 

If you go for plan B (almost immediately letting them go after the break decision) and your ex already knows what you feel for them then you have the highest chances of ever getting back with them one day.

First of all when you smile, turn around and leave at the request of a break then you instill feelings of confusion and doubt into your ex's mind. Why is that, you ask ? Because it normally backfires at them and they become the target of their own actions. They become the ones to feel worthless in your eyes. They start thinking how can he/she actually stop loving me all of sudden, I thought they really loved me ! What's going on ? Did I make the right decision when I dumped them ? In one word, they stop enjoying the game.

Believe it or not, it confuses them so much when you walk away and don't contact them (when they already know how you feel for them) that even when they play it cool and fake things by appearing happy and in control you can almost be certain they are pretty messed up inside !

 

Who ever said dating (not marriage, I'm talking about dating) is not a game ? In fact you can easily call it the "dating arena" as there are always two persons wrestling to win. But, contrary to real wrestling, the more you use force and push your adversary the more likely you are to lose. In dating, being cool headed and patient without losing control and letting your emotions take over your mind is what usually determines your victory.

 

I just wrote this small post because I see so many people suffering and making the same mistakes we all make every day. So I wanted to share my point of view with everyone.

Modestly said, I've been in so many relationships in my life, some lasted a few months and others a few years, and I've been dumped and I have dumped people, and I've been chased and I have chased people. I ended up believing in the fact that pursuing someone very very rarely (not to say never) brings them back ! At first they might like it or enjoy it then it will utterly piss them off ! They become more distant which in turn multiplies your feelings of self-worthlessness and sadness by a factor of 10 which in turn makes them even more distant. It's a never ending circle to which you have to put a stop otherwise you might linger on and keep waiting for someone for years.

 

Some people will disagree with me (by saying no contact is crap and you should never stop fighting for the one you love) and I respect that but I still believe that after a few moderate attempts (just a few not 50 or 100 !) to make your ex change their mind it all becomes a waste of time. it's better to stop and continue living your life without worrying too much about the possibilities that your ex will be back. Tell yourself, I'm living my life right now because I deserve it and I will date other people if the opportunity arises. If my ex comes back then we'll see. But don't put your life on hold for something that might never work ! You're losing hours and days, these will never come back !

[bloot]

Hello

 

I think you have given many wise words on this forum, so thankyou. I now have control and dignity. It's a shame I came across this site post-break up. However, I now think that EVERYONE should be dumped at sometime in their life! So much of my time has been dedicated to thinking about my relationships and, consequently, I now have a persepective which I did not before and have learnt SO much about myself amd my relationship. I feel like a stronger person (admittingly, I still would like things to work out with my ex). Be happy everyone.

[TommyGirl]

Very Very good words, dreamguy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dazednconfuzed]

I agree with you Dreamguy. I understand that dating is like a game.

 

I had cut all ties with my ex, and I know that must've driven her crazy. In fact, she e-mailed me the other day but I didn't respond. She brought up the fact that she was going on a second date with somebody else ... I think hoping to get me to chase her again. But I didn't respond because she didn't say anything that was meaningful to me and so there wasn't any point.

 

I'm not so sure that I've learned anything by being dumped. I don't understand why it happened. I don't know if I did anything wrong ... and if I did, she never let on. I guess I've just learned that there really doesn't have to be a good reason. You either fit with that person or you don't ... and no fighting, kicking or screaming will ever change that. No chasing them will change their minds.

 

I've learned not to trust so easily. Not to give away my heart so freely. And that the world does continue to spin. It doesn't matter how miserable you feel inside, the world turns. Time marches on and if you don't get out there and live, your life will pass you by.

[dreamguy]

dazednconfuzed,

And that the world does continue to spin. It doesn't matter how miserable you feel inside, the world turns. Time marches on and if you don't get out there and live, your life will pass you by.

True ! Absolutely true ! I hope everybody (including myself) can be convinced about that to the extent of letting their ex go when they feel there's nothing more to be done.

[dreamguy]

Oh and by the way, as you can guess, this is not my picture although I used to have a white wolf a few years ago. I had to set it free although I didn't want to because it was acting strange. I don't think wolves live in captivity very well.

What line of work are you in ?

[bloot]

why can't people have balance in their lives? You don't have to chose a relationship or career, it is possible (not to forget healthy) to have both. We all are striving to make a success of ourselves but SURELY life and being human is about the love (not just the romantic kind) we share with other people.

 

Dreamguy- so, pretty girls shouldn't chase??? why? is it because there will be plenty of men wanting to get in their pants??? is it because they are such perfect superior examples of the female form so, of course, they wouldn't do the shameful act of chasing??? is it because a man must be stupid to finish with an beautiful girl and so she shouldn't want them back anyway???? I find that comment sexist.

 

Your posts are turning into "how to play games, get one over your ex and boast your own low self-esteem" and show nothing about accepting, understanding and letting people go and still being able to love unconditionally. Your advice on NC contact has been very helpful, it has allowed me time to think and sort myself out. But, maybe, your attitude about past relationships and your motives with NC are becoming a bit negative and twisted ( the beach thing was weird).

 

I don't mean to attack you but i think you've become caught up with giving advice and stopped questioning yourself.

 

The end of a relationship is just part of our life journey.

 

Positive thoughts everyone

[dreamguy]

bloot,

Dreamguy- I find that comment sexist.

My post was meant as a joke to loosen up the atmosphere a bit. I still think good looking people don't usually chase others because they have become accustomed to being chased themselves.

I know you're not attacking, no worries. But just out of curiosity, what's weird about the beach thing ?

 

I don't mean to attack you but i think you've become caught up with giving advice and stopped questioning yourself.

You're right about that. But I already feel better when I give advice to other people from my own experience and I can only hope they find it useful.

As for the questioning, you can say I still do it on a personal level (thoughts in my mind not posts on this forum).

 

Positive thoughts everyone

Not all people are optimists, some need encouragement. Besides, if everyone who came to this forum had positive thoughts then I don't understand why they would need to be here in the first place. They would be able to handle their problems on their own.

[bloot]

I'm not really an optimist, i'm just trying to make people think positively (including myself) because i think that's the only way good things will start to happen.

 

The beach thing- i just tried to look up that post but couldn't find it, i read it a while ago so i can't give a precise answer..... I remember thinking when i read it that you are not being honest to yourself (nor is she), it seems like the games have got out of hand and may ruin any trust in the relationship if you were to ever reconcile. I think that you feel you have been treated with a lack of respect (i.e being dumped by someone you deem not worthy of you) and have now lost any respect for her (i think you referred to her as weak). I get the feeling that you would like her to regret leaving you and take you back but you don't actually want her any more-so is this a game for you to win by rejecting her once you've made her change her mind? If so, that's what is weird, a complete waste of time and not loving.

 

This may be a wrong assessment of the situation because i haven't been able to re-read the posts.

 

Bloot:)

[dreamguy]

I'm not really an optimist, i'm just trying to make people think positively (including myself) because i think that's

the only way good things will start to happen.

Not sure as to how much our thinking can influence the occurence of events in this universe but it sure can influence the way we deal with them as they happen.

 

I get the feeling that you would like her to regret leaving you and take you back but you don't actually want her any more-so is this a game for you to win by rejecting her once you've made her change her mind? If so, that's what is weird, a complete waste of time and not loving.

No mate. I'm not trying to win by rejecting her if she comes back. The truth is I still want her back and I would give it a try if she came back. The only difference is, since we've been apart for 5 weeks, I've come to realize many things I was blind about like the fact that she ended this relationship because she couldn't take the pressure from her family. This is why I called her "weak" (as to unable to take pressure and sh*t from life) not as someone who is worthless. She is the girl I love and she is worth a lot in my eyes but I'm starting to see some of her weaknesses as time unveils the curtain my blind love had set in the past.

[bloot]

I hear what you're saying about seeing things more clearly once you are out of the relationship.

 

If this girl ended your relationship because of outside pressures (much like my story), then once she realizes that other aspects of her life were to blame for her unhappiness/discontentment there is a pretty good chance she'll want you back (this is already happening by the sounds of things). BUT, do you want to be with someone who blames their relationship everytime the going gets tough??that person must have relationship-related issues. i am dealing with a similar situation and its confusing

[dreamguy]

Well, I saw her at the beach today as expected. She was there with her sister and some friends. I had to pass by them because this was the only path to get where I was going.

They said hello. I said "hi, hot day ! crowded too." My ex said "yeah it's too crowded today". Then I said "anyway, enjoy your time... see ya" and I walked by. I swam for like 10 minutes then I went for a walk (didn't want to sit where she could see me). Then when I got back from my walk my ex and her sister were getting ready to leave. I saw some friends (a guy I know, he was with a ******* hot babe !!) lol so I stopped and I talked to him for a minute or two. Just as my ex was leaving she passed by me and said "bye bye" to which I replied "ciao".

That was it. There's something weird about my ex though. She did it last time as she was leaving and she did it again today ! As she left with the other girls, she was walking around the swimming pool. She walked slightly faster than them so she was ahead and she had to turn her head back to talk to them but in reality she was looking straight my way !

 

Bloot,

"this is already happening by the sounds of things".

What indices make you say that ?

 

If this girl ended your relationship because of outside pressures (much like my story), then once she realizes that other aspects of her life were to blame for her unhappiness/discontentment there is a pretty good chance she'll want you back

Perhaps so but I don't know which is better in my particular case right now: no contact or reduced contact (once every week or so).

 

One last thing, what's the link to your full story ?

[bloot]

my link is titled "dumped by a commitment phobe and NC in effect". However, I haven't updated my story from there and a hell of a lot has happened since then. Without going into details, my ex has told me and i know from mutual friends that he is on some kind of self destruct ( quote "he's falling apart at the seams"), he is not coping in any sense of the word. I realise now that this is to do with the pressure he has put on himself for the last year (since buying a flat that needs total renovation, a stressful 6 day a week job, sport commitments) and can see that he was heading for a burnout long before we broke up. These factors plus the fact he is commiment phobic meant that our relationship was the first thing that fell apart. I think he is beginning to realize that I was not the cause of the unhappiness/lack of balance in his life and this is where it get confusing for me...

 

So that's a brief update.

 

I don't want to give any false hope but i said it sounds like she is reconsidering her decision because, as a female (who has been the dumpee), if I broke up with someone and I was COMPLETLY certain of my descision I would not ring them or want to see them (for a while at least)-because of my guilt, and I would definatly not try so obviously to be some where I knew the ex would be, especially if the ex was aware that I was there because he would be (if that made sense). But I don't know your ex, she could be playing games or immature, she could want some kind of hold on you still and these phone calls and "bumping" in to each other could be a test to see if she stills has-and if this is the case you are definatly doing the right thing beause she is probably panicing at this moment in time.

 

But if she is not playing games (only you would know if she would do this, in my opinion this is probably more likley if she was very jealous in the relationship) and is seriously reconsidering, then the next time you "bump" onto each other or she calls I would definatly have a friendly chat, more than a few sentences- keeping it as natural as possible (definatly not about the relationship). I probably would wait for the next time she contacts you, but that's your call.

 

This is all I can say with my very limited knowledge. Only you know if you and your girl had something real and special, something that was honest and loving and worth all this heartache.

[dreamguy]

bloot,

 

I was under the impression you were a guy (don't ask me why). I'm glad you're a girl because I believe men and women's brains are wired differently. So I modestly think I can gain a lot of insight on my situation by reading your comments.

That having been said, I don't think you have a limited knowledge at all. On the contrary, I see some pretty intelligent thinking in your reply. For example when you say "These factors plus the fact he is commitment phobic meant that our relationship was the first thing that fell apart. I think he is beginning to realize that I was not the cause of the unhappiness/lack of balance in his life and this is where it gets confusing for me..."

How long have you been apart from your ex ? If he had a lot of pressure in his life (more than he can handle) then you did the right thing by giving him some space. Chasing him when he is under pressure will only scare him off.

To make an analogy with my story, my ex is still under pressure from both her sisters. This is why I will follow your advice and wait for the next time when she contacts me. I won't call.

 

"I don't want to give any false hope but i said it sounds like she is reconsidering her decision because, as a female (who has been the dumpee), if I broke up with someone and I was COMPLETLY certain of my descision I would not ring them or want to see them (for a while at least)-because of my guilt, and I would definatly not try so obviously to be some where I knew the ex would be, especially if the ex was aware that I was there because he would be (if that made sense). "

I particularly liked this line, not only because it gives me hope (I admit that) but because it comes from a girl (so you're better equipped to know how a girl thinks). Plus I'm a total stranger to you, so you couldn't possibly have any interest in me which might influence your answer and turn it into a biased one.

 

"she could want some kind of hold on you still and these phone calls and "bumping" in to each other could be a test to see if she stills has-and if this is the case you are definatly doing the right thing beause she is probably panicing at this moment in time."

Not sure I got this line. What do you mean ?

[bloot]

i guess "bloot" doesn't sound very feminine (not a reflection on myself), but i won't go into the reasons behind that choice of pseudonym......

 

i really don't want to give you false hope. All i can say is that i think she is not completely certain of her decision, this is not to say it will change. The way you treat the situation now MAY have an impact on the outcome, so tred wisely.

 

Believe me, it's taken a while to realize what went wrong in my relationship, i don't think he's quite there yet so i'm still trying (failing sometimes) to stay away. i don't know if it is possible for us to ever reconcile. i'm even unsure of what i want. he dumped me, i NEVER wanted to end it and this has been so very hard.

 

we broke up 7 weeks ago. it's his birthday this Saturday and last Saturday he told me he wants to see me on his birthday, as of yet i've heard nothing more, but i think i'll wait for him to contact.

 

if you need a female view, let me know, i'll try to give an honest opinion of what it would mean if i was the one doing it. But who knows, me and your ex could be very different people.

[bloot]

sorry,

 

i forgot to explain about her still wanting a hold on you. Girls find it easier to move on if they know that their ex still cares and wants them, i have felt this way. when i was younger i kept contact with a guy after i broke up with him because i felt comforted and reasured that he obviously still wanted me, even when i didn't want him! its the whole thing of letting go, it can be difficult for the dumpee too. its cruel, but some girls will give a piece of hope and keep hold of someone (in whatever bizzare way) for their own ego till something better comes along, god that sounds horrible, ugh, but that's the way it is sometimes. the way you have acted to her gives the impression that she doesn't have a hold on you (which is good), so if this is her intention i can imagine she's feeling prettty bad and panicy.

 

i hope that makes sense

[bloot]

Me again

 

oh god, he just rang and invited me and some of my friends to his birthday BBQ! i said i would go. had a light hearted chat for about 5 min. i was feeling ok, now i feel anxious again. this is the man that told me last saturday that "he finds it hard to see me because he feels so frutrated that he couldn't work things out between us and that he has failed, doesn't think things will ever work between us but does want to be friends". if he finds it so hard to see me then why ask me to birthday party. he's really not a bull****ter. I need a guy point of view, what the hell do you make of all this??????

[dreamguy]

I'm not sure you want my answer (eventhough I'm a guy)

I'm a bit of an extremist.

 

Option 1 (not going there):

You told him you will go right ? Well I dunno if you have the strength to do this, call him again, like 1 hour prior to the event, and calmly apologize for not being able to make it. Tell him something important came up and you would have really loved to be there but you can't ! Also make sure to agree with you friends (who are going to that birthday party) on the things to say if he asks them why you couldn't make it.

 

Option 2 (going there):

You say he's not bull****ter. I don't know him to be able to assess that comment but if you end up going there it would only mean one thing: You still care for him since it's HIS birthday you are going to and you will have to bring a gift along. Don't forget what he said: he finds it hard to see you because he feels so frustrated that he couldn't work things out between you two and that he has failed, doesn't think things will ever work between you guys but does want to be friends.

 

Conclusion:

Let me tell you one thing about my case and you can compare it to yours.

The day we broke up my ex said "we can stay friends".

I know, they all say that but they rarely mean it.

So I promised myself that one day I will make her admit (even if undirectly) she was lying when she said that.

Everytime we talked (after the break up) I treated her in a cool way like a friend. Then, when we talked two days ago I said "come on ! you're taking things too seriously... you know we're simply friends now".

Do you know what she answered ? She said "I still like you a lot and I cannot see/consider you as a simple friend !"

What does that tell you ? Right, that she was bull***ting me, as well as herself, all along when she said "let's remain friends".

As a guy, and after having read all about your story, I would say you should choose option 1.

But then again I proposed both options because it's your choice in the end.

[dreamguy]

Btw, I forgot to mention something.

When we talked on the phone two days ago I said "you know very well we broke up and the past is the past, I look at the future."

Again, guess what she answered ? She said "No we didn't break up I just asked for some time alone".

Can you believe this ? I mean it's been 5 weeks since we broke up and she refused to meet me (saying her bf will be pissed) and yet she refuses to admit we broke up !!

And two months ago when she said I want some time alone I said "you mean you want to break up"... she replied "no, if I didn't want to see you anymore then I would have said so !! I just need some time alone."

Honestly, what's your feminine opinion on this ?

[bloot]

Thanks

 

sitting a work, wasting time on the internet and thinking, i've come to the conclusion that i have two options:

 

1. Cut him completely out of my life, tell him i find it too hard to be friends and that, at the moment, it would be under false pretenses, and move on with my life.

 

2. Remain friends, while still getting on with my life, but hoping that being friends would naturally bring us back together, and risk being hurt.

 

if i could answer the question " do i really want to be with him"? i would be able to chose an answer but i do not know that answer or am simply not brave enough.

 

My sensible side says pick 1. my heart says pick 2.

[bloot]

She has a boyfriend already???????? i would be SERIOUSLY pissed off. I think she is trying to keep a hold on you, keep you on the back burner. you've only been split up a few weeks. who is this man? is it serious? i think she is getting frustrated because you're not playing her game. if she wanted time alone why does she have a boyfriend???? I'd channel any hurt into anger and NOT contact her, it will only feed her ego and make you a player in her game. the games will only stop when you chose to not be part of them and THEN she will really have to think about what she wants long term.

 

I'm angry for you........

[DiorAddict]

WOW, you've officially earned the LoveShack PhD in relationships! Thanks for the awesome advice!!!

[dreamguy]

She has a boyfriend already???????? i would be SERIOUSLY pissed off. I think she is trying to keep a hold on you, keep you on the back burner. you've only been split up a few weeks. who is this man? is it serious?

Well I haven't seen her with him recently.

Last time I saw them together was last year (before I went out with her). He used to go with her to the beach.

I haven't seen him with her this year. Perhaps he'll be there on Sunday since he won't be at work. We'll see.

Even if he's there, it doesn't mean anything. She might be using him to make me cave in.

 

i think she is getting frustrated because you're not playing her game. if she wanted time alone why does she have a boyfriend????

Exactly. Basically she says this guy has been her friend for 5 years.

I don't think you can fall in love with someone (or get attracted to them) 5 years later. He's there to comfort her.

So I'm cool about it. I think she's using him to put pressure on me and make cave in. I won't !!

She knows I'm the best thing that happened to her ! Modestly said, out of all the guys she met, I'm the most educated, handsome (tall and well built), got a great stable job and most of all I won't cave in like her other ex bf did !

Hell one of her ex bf has been calling her every day for the last 1.5 years (since they broke up !) What kind of man is that ! She rarely answers him.

 

Concerning your previous post. I'd say you should pick something between 1 and 2. A mix of both.

Remain friends with him in the sense that you shouldn't tell him you find it too hard to be friends and that, at the moment, it would be under false pretenses (that's option 2 with a bit of option 1) AND at the same time plan to move on with your life but don't cut all contact with him for good (that's option 1 with a bit of option 2).

[bloot]

it sounds like this guy has fancied her for years, is being a shoulder to cry on so he can finally get in her pants. i had a male friend who was suddenly there for me after the break up, we talked and talked, and he just wanted to shag me (i didn't). the situation made me feel ill, i got taken advantage of when i was at my most vunerable. this guy is doing the lowest of the low to try and get your girl. no decent man would try to get a girl as soon as she's out of a relationship. if he's just a friend then why does she say he'll be pissed off is she see you????

[dreamguy]

Because now he has proposed to her !

Mr Messed Up said "people act like monkeys when they break up. They don't let go of the first tree until they have safely grabed the next one".

Wh is she still holding on to me ? She has safely grabbed him ! He has proposed. Is it because she is unsure about him ? And she still wants me although she got him ?

I know he's only there to use her. But if I tell her that, she'll hate me for it and run into his arms.