What mostly determines the way your ex treats you after a break up

[ion]

Originally posted by bloot

sorry,

 

i forgot to explain about her still wanting a hold on you. Girls find it easier to move on if they know that their ex still cares and wants them, i have felt this way. when i was younger i kept contact with a guy after i broke up with him because i felt comforted and reasured that he obviously still wanted me, even when i didn't want him! its the whole thing of letting go, it can be difficult for the dumpee too. its cruel, but some girls will give a piece of hope and keep hold of someone (in whatever bizzare way) for their own ego till something better comes along, god that sounds horrible, ugh, but that's the way it is sometimes. the way you have acted to her gives the impression that she doesn't have a hold on you (which is good), so if this is her intention i can imagine she's feeling prettty bad and panicy.

 

i hope that makes sense

 

thanks bloot for being so honest.

 

i just posted about my ex calling me the week before her wedding.

and i think there is something of that weird control/comfort thing going on with her.

[pinkyzhu]

" When we talked on the phone two days ago I said "you know very well we broke up and the past is the past, I look at the future."

Again, guess what she answered ? She said "No we didn't break up I just asked for some time alone".

Can you believe this ? I mean it's been 5 weeks since we broke up and she refused to meet me (saying her bf will be pissed) and yet she refuses to admit we broke up !!

And two months ago when she said I want some time alone I said "you mean you want to break up"... she replied "no, if I didn't want to see you anymore then I would have said so !! I just need some time alone."

Honestly, what's your feminine opinion on this ?"

 

Hi dreamguy,

You ex said sth when broke up with you, and then denied what she said when trying to get back together. I think she's trying to minimize how much has hurt you by denying what she said.

 

My ex-boyfriend said the same thing when trying to get back after broke up for 4 weeks. He said ' I didn't leave. I just stopped for a while. '

 

Well, people do change mind sometimes, why you must care so much what she said if she truely wants to get back.

 

My ex only hesitated for a week then left again. I miss him a lot and hope he would change mind again one day....

 

pinkyzhu

[dreamguy]

pinkyzhu,

First, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. I hope things get better

Well I don't know if she is saying this to make me feel better. I mean I have never shown her sadness or weakness. Whenever we talk I'm super positive and that's what puzzling her ! Yesterday she was with her bf on the beach (he was her bf before I met her then she left him for me. They are back together now) and as they passed by me I didn't even move an inch ! I can assure you she was going crazy. So later, she couldn't help passing by me again (alone this time without her bf) to say hello and we talked for a couple of minutes. I was so cool and was smiling. Then I told her a joke and she laughed before she headed for the swimming pool.

[junegloom]

Hi Dreamguy and Bloot,

 

I'm thoroughly enjoying your conversation. You both have such good advice and express yourselves so well, especially given the tangled mess a broken heart becomes..

 

Bloot, I was wondering what your decision was - did you go to your ex's b-day party? Tell us how it went.. what you said to him and things!

 

How are you managing a combo of options 1 and 2?

 

My ex invited me to something this weekend, and I'm not sure if I should go or not. It's a very similar situation to yours, bloot, so I would love to know how it worked out for you.

 

Dreamguy, I agree with what Bloot is saying about your ex. Looks like she's interested and using this other guy as the back-up option, but (hate to say this) she's too spineless to put her feelings on the line and risk being hurt by you in case you truly have moved on. I bet she's wondering if you have and looking and analysing everything you say, too. I'd put money on it!

 

The first time I was dumped on by someone was a huge learning experience for me, and I'm drawing from that experience to get through this (second) dumping. The first ex I managed to get back, and then I dumped him 6 months later. I got him back through a combination of N/C and being honest with myself and *actually* moving on. I didn't even date anybody, I just went out with friends and eventually became happy again - that was attractive to him. It took about 2-3 months to get him back this way. So dreamguy you're totally doing the right thing here - you're attitude is *great*. Keep it up.

 

So here I am dishing out advice/opinions and can't even take it myself.. lame. Note to self: N/C and moving on.. N/C and moving on.. N/C and moving.. got it!

 

[jw32802]

junegloom

that guy that you got back, you said you did nc and then acted happy and that that was attractive to him? but how did he know that you were happy? did he see you/ and after how long?

[junegloom]

Well, that was what I thought would be a problem at the time. We didn't really have mutual friends, and we worked in separate places. *Plus* it was summertime and he had a really cool job whereby the socializing after work was really good. (That was one of the things I missed.)

 

So I had my work cut out for me. But that's where the *actually moving on* bit came in. I released my worries abou him and just accepted being by myself and with my friends.

 

The only occassions he had to see me amounted to about 5 tops, and that's including phone calls and emails which didn't amount to that much either.

 

It was so much seeing me happy those few times that he did, but it was a combination of the that and time away from him that really cinched it!

 

He was even dating someone else (which totally crushed me).. but came back.. running.

[jw32802]

how long was he dating someone else? and he dumped her to come back to you?

[bloot]

Hello everyone,

 

well here goes.......

 

He rang me on the friday and then on the saturday (his birthday) he rang me THREE times prior to the party to check I was coming, what time, could I bring this and that etc etc, like I was still his girlfriend. I was nice, i played it cool turned up a bit late. We sort of ignored each other to begin with, I had a really nice time chatting to all his friends who I get on with really well and haven't seen for a while. We were both drunk, we were a bit awkward, chatted for a short while but avoided each other mostly, he hugged me and said "oh, i do love you" (in a buddy kinda way) THEN he turned, obviously flirted with this girl, made me feel ridiculed for being there, subtly making me feel uncomfortable, like i was an ex who was chasing him!!!! I was in 2 minds to go or not up until the last minute!!! he chased me...

 

I told him I was going to meet with friends and left.

 

I now realize that he wanted me there to show his friends that he isn't a bad guy, to make it look like he hasn't treated me badly and unfairly because, hey, look everyone, she came to my birthday party. and when i had done that job, he wanted me to leave.

 

I have decided that I WILL NOT be treated badly by him any more and this means cutting him out of my life. I have been nothing but generous, kind and accommodating during the whole relationship and break up ,and, as I gain even new perspective on our relationship and him, i realize he has treated me very badly because of his problems. I feel objectified, like a function. It feels like there was no TRUE (unconditional) love from him, although i do believe he loved me, but in the only way he knew how. The relationship has been about making him feel that he is normal and can have a proper relationship with a, pretty, emotional and intelligent girl and, as soon as I the cracks began to show i no longer for filled that function, he didn't want to deal with his issues so i was disposed of. I was an instrument that served to show how great he was and was used so he he could feel like there was nothing wrong with him. He has shown very little real care or respect for me and my emotions. sending mixed signals throughout our relationship and break up. acting in an extremely selfish way.

 

It may sound like i am reacting to saturday, but i am not, i have been thinking in a new (maybe falling out of love) way. i am reacting to the way i have been treated for a very long time (things i have not told anyone) and i am shocked that i have been blinded to this treatment and manipulated into thinking all our problems were my fault during our relationship (although my relationship history is healthy and normal, his most defiantly is not). he has no empathy. he is a stranger to emotions so why did i expect him to understand mine?

 

We did have some wonderful loving times but these are being belittled and destroyed as this contact carries on.

 

So i have been feeling depressed all week. I have decided that i do not want to live a life of hope, of feeling anxious, of feeling abused. I know that i DO want a healthy relationship with a man that is kind and without problems, i do not want struggle through a relationship, i want to enjoy it and be able to grow from being in a loving relationship.

 

i have also decided that i do not want a friendship when there are under lying motives behind it. i have plenty of friends. maybe we could have been friends, if he had been mature and careful with me and this break up, but i can't think of many reasons why we should be.

 

I have texted him to let him know that i am moving on, that i feel he has not treated me with care or respect, that i genuinely loved and cared but that i think it is best for me to not know him any more. i have heard nothing. i guessing he thinks that this is a reaction to his birthday but it is not, it is a decision that i have made and i know it is the only way i will be happy, to live my life and allow new opportunities to arise.

 

I am very sad, but I know that this is the last bit of feeling sad about us, the last bit of letting go. in my heart i knew that i wanted to do the final piece of moving on, of giving up hope but i wasn't quite strong enough. Saturday helped me. i knew that this would happen because it is what i wanted but this was very hard to admit to myself knowing the pain i would feel and how much i will miss him.

 

I truly tried my best with this relationship and loved with openness.

 

So this is the end of one chapter in my life.

 

I have learnt a HUGE amount.

 

I am looking forward to all the exciting things that my life holds.

[junegloom]

Gosh, this was a long time ago, so you're really taking me down memory lane here! He dumped me to be with her basically.. I just didn't know it at the time..

 

See, he told me when we broke up that he wanted to see other people. I didn't know until a few weeks later that that actually meant he wanted to see one other person in particular! So when he was bringing this girl around to things we used to do together, and she was meeting people I knew through him, it really crushed me. (I heard about it through one of my friends, not him). I just couldn't believe it. I was totally beside myself with grief. It was like.. he died.. and I was mourning his death - that's how grim it all was for me. I remember thinking everything in my life was so dark.. I couldn't even look at things the same way - even flowers looked differently to me. It was trippy now that I look back on it. (No, I wasn't doing drugs..)

 

Anyway, to answer your question, he dated her the entire time we were broken up. There was a long gap after we initially broke up.. The first contact we had was he called me and he wanted to be friends (of course) and he wanted to go to lunch. That was about two weeks after we broke up.

 

I jumped at the opportunity, but had to get control of my emotions (which was, I thought, impossible because I was so distraught.. but I managed to do it somehow). It was at that lunch that, I believe, he saw that I was okay with it and moving on (which was not really the case, not yet at least). We didn't see each other for probably another two or three weeks after that.. during this time I think he might have emailed me once or twice.. and I would allow at least one day before responding. No, I think he only emailed once.. I think, can't really remember. The point is the contact was just *barely* there, if at all. I took this time to accept things and move on, even though all I wanted was to be back together with him.

 

Looking back on that time I had away from him, and the things I was doing, I remember feeling absolutely miserable. I remember hating going out and being without him. I forced myself to do it.. and there were times when I would think "Yeah, okay that was an alright night.. not bad, but I still hate this." But now when I look back on it, I laugh because it was *cool* what I was doing! I was going to totally cool bars where they have to check you out before letting you in.. I was meeting hot guys and letting them buy me drinks.. I was playing and writing music a lot (of course it was all sad, depressing stuff .. always about my ex).. But I was living and doing it. Man, it was just so cool *now* that I can look back on that time and know that I was growing as an individual. Growing hurts, and I'm a much much stronger person now for having gone through that. (It's a cliche, but it's true.)

 

Sorry, back to the story..

 

So.. what helped my case, too, I truly believe, is that this girl he was seeing was nothing like me at all. She was, from what I heard about her, a bit skanky. (Can I say that on here?) I heard a story where they had a big fight because she took her top off at some bar they were at.. and he didn't like that. So she was making a case *for* me! By her skankiness, she was reminding him of what he left.. reminding him of the nice girl who loved him who he might have been unwise to let go.. At the time I kind of knew, I think, that her shinanigans would help my case.. When I heard this story, I knew this girl was temporary, I knew he wouldn't like being with someone like that, but I didn't know he would come back to me.

 

The other thing I did was I prayed a lot. Everyday, for at least three weeks. I remember I definitely prayed for three weeks several times a day, but I may have carried on thereafter less frequently, I can't remember. I prayed to Saint Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. He never says 'no' to anybody who asks for help. I asked for help and *man* did he help, ten fold! I remember feeling very comforted after any time I would pray to him.

 

Now, I'm not a religious person. I'm Catholic, but not a very good one. When people "preach" to me about religious stuff, I run the opposite direction. I've even been known to make jokes about people who do that.. which I guess isn't very nice. But at the time I was desparate, and hopeless and I felt very alone. Anyway, my praying several times a day, everyday, is called a novena, and it helped tremendously. For anybody out there who's lost hope, regardless of your religion, or if you're agnostic, I highly recommend it.

 

So back to getting this ex back..

 

So this girl was "not a nice girl". Then, there was a party I was invited to, but it's not something my ex would have liked to have gone to at all. It was a music open-house, which means I was to play the piano with a chamber ensemble, but it was all very casual. Guests could either sit down and listen or mull around and have drinks and nibbles.. It wasn't like a young-persons party, it was for families and what not. Anyway, I got wind that my ex would be there, and my first thought was "I hope he's not bringing *her*!". When the night came, he didn't bring her.. then it occurred to me that him being there was actually quite astounding.. it's just not his "cup of tea" at all. It's totally mine though, and he knew that.

 

So the evening went okay, except for one part. Yep, I broke down. It was during a break from playing and I excused myself and went into the bathroom and just started to cry. I was there about ten minutes when the door knocked and opened pretty-much right away. It was my ex. He caught me crying and I was like "D*mn! The last thing I wanted him to see was that I still have feelings for him!" And he came in and hugged me and we looked in the mirror at each other hugging.

 

It was very shortly after that that we got back together. It was a few more times seeing each other.. lunches, movies, parties, meeting at bars.. and we were back as a couple again.

 

I'm afraid I can't remember the exact conversation we had though when we made it official that we were a couple again. I think the reason why I can't remember it is because it just wasn't that important to me at the time. You see, I think I was truly okay with or without him.. and *that* is what was irresistible to him.

 

If you can get to that point, you have nothing to lose! That's the beauty of it.

 

The thing is, I can't say this will work for everyone.. but at least it's my story. My current ex broke up with me for entirely different reasons. He's still in love with me, and he's not seeing anyone else. It's more of a case of the "right person at the wrong time". So I don't know what to do.. but I have to move on anyway, if only to heal myself.

 

I hope this helps!!

 

[junegloom]

Bloot! You've made the right decision.

 

You'll make it! Just keep thinking about how toxic he is to your well-being. Who knows what other heart-wrenching things he'd put you through if you stayed together.

 

You're sparing yourself further heartache by making the decision to be with someone who stable and won't pull this sh*t on his friends. There are so many nice, stable, good people out there. You're one of them, and you'll find someone equally as nice.. You'll look back on this and appreciate the lesson learned and how strong you grew as a result of it. I *know* because I've been there.

 

I know it hurts right now.. Hell, hurt isn't even the word. Words can't express the pain involved, but somehow we get through stuff like this.

 

Just take each day as it comes. Don't be hard on yourself if you allow yourself to cry a little.. but just a little. Happiness is a decision.. decide to get over this and you will.

 

Take care of yourself - spoil yourself and pat yourself on the back for taking the high road here. This guy isn't worth any more of your time or effort.

 

Someday he might realise what a jerk he was to you. But who cares if he ever does. Who cares.. you've moved on and will be so much happier with someone else. You will.

 

[bloot]

thankyou junegloom

 

"happiness is a decision" -very true.

 

i have also realized that people may treat you badly but ONLY you make the choice to let them.

 

hope everything works out for you

[dreamguy]

bloot,

 

They say that, in time, bad memories are forgotten and only the good memories remain.

Don't fall into that trap otherwise you will erroneously regret your decision when the bad memories subside.

Every time you look back at this relationship, and I know you will do that a lot, I want you to remember the bad times too ! Remember how he disrespected you and how he used you on his birthday to show everyone he was a nice person (he is selfish). Recall all his wrong actions towards you but NEVER think about how much he hurt you.

Admitting that he did hurt you might make you feel weaker. He might have hurt you but he also made you better and stronger. Look at it this way, you were hurt but you were also taught a lesson that you should use in your days to come, a lesson that ultimately made you a better person, a lesson that has transformed your personality and prepared you for finding a real and lasting love in your life.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness. Just believe you will find it someday and start working on it right from this very second. Leave him behind in the dust, he'll long for all the wonderful moments YOU gave HIM when the bad memories start fading from his mind.

[bloot]

Thanks dreamguy,

 

it's been nice conversing with you. I hope your situation works out for the best and you are happy. I'm glad I've found this forum it has very helpful and comforting.

 

i'll keep posted.....