Breaking up

[Cole]

I need someadvice on how to call it off with my fiance.. We've been together for five years and I'm just not ready to get married. We've been engaged for a year. She seems to get what evervshe wants.. We moved in together because her Mom was moving out with her BF and so there was no room for her so I moved in with her because she couldn't afford it by her self. A year later we got engaged not because I did it spotaniously but because she asked me every day when she was going to get a ring.. Now a year later I need to get my life straight and I don't think getting married is going to help. I've been pretty down the past couple months.. And that is so not me.. some help please!!!!

[Tony T]

You didn't mention once in your post that you loved this lady. Feeling sorry for someone is not the same as loving them.

 

This girl is with you out of insecurity, not out of love. You are with her out of pity, not out of love. So you don't love her, she doesn't love you. But she has a good reason to want to marry you. You have no reason to want to marry her.

 

As soon as it is practical, lay the absolute, total and complete truth out for her. Repeat it until it sinks in. It will be painful to her but not nearly as painful as if she has to guess about things for the rest of her life. She's going to get pissed, not because she's losing love, but she's going to be inconvenienced into making a new life for herself.

 

Hey, you did her a major favor by taking her in when her mom moved. Let her know why you did this. Let her know you are simply NOT ready for marriage and you DO NOT want this arrangement anymore. Give her a deadline to be out, say 30 days...or, you can move out yourself. Work it out the best way you can you can minimize the logistic or financial hurdles either of you may have to surmount.

 

There is simply no way to make this pleasant. Sometimes, you can put things mildly but this thing stinks all the way around. You will have to be very firm. I can just see her resisting but don't let that stop you. This is your time to stand up for yourself and your life. You cannot continue to live a horrendous lie.

 

And you need to learn to stop being such a pushover and saying Yes to everybody. You are simply way too nice. You have screwed up a few years of your life being in a deal you have no desire to be in.

 

Your whole post is just so weird. I mean, you do not want to be in this whole deal. You are depressed and unhappy. This girl needs to be out of your life and on her way to finding someone she can get without trapping them or having them feel sorry for her.

 

I still can't get over the fact that you have been with her five years...and you made no mention of any feelings for her, that she was special to you in any way, that you loved her, etc.

 

Once she's gone, don't ever do this to yourself again...or to another person.

[Mr. D]

some men don't know when to get out of a bad relationship. I have been there...what Tony says is true.

 

You didn't mention once in your post that you loved this lady. Feeling sorry for someone is not the same as loving them. This girl is with you out of insecurity, not out of love. You are with her out of pity, not out of love. So you don't love her, she doesn't love you. But she has a good reason to want to marry you. You have no reason to want to marry her. As soon as it is practical, lay the absolute, total and complete truth out for her. Repeat it until it sinks in. It will be painful to her but not nearly as painful as if she has to guess about things for the rest of her life. She's going to get pissed, not because she's losing love, but she's going to be inconvenienced into making a new life for herself. Hey, you did her a major favor by taking her in when her mom moved. Let her know why you did this. Let her know you are simply NOT ready for marriage and you DO NOT want this arrangement anymore. Give her a deadline to be out, say 30 days...or, you can move out yourself. Work it out the best way you can you can minimize the logistic or financial hurdles either of you may have to surmount. There is simply no way to make this pleasant. Sometimes, you can put things mildly but this thing stinks all the way around. You will have to be very firm. I can just see her resisting but don't let that stop you. This is your time to stand up for yourself and your life. You cannot continue to live a horrendous lie. And you need to learn to stop being such a pushover and saying Yes to everybody. You are simply way too nice. You have screwed up a few years of your life being in a deal you have no desire to be in. Your whole post is just so weird. I mean, you do not want to be in this whole deal. You are depressed and unhappy. This girl needs to be out of your life and on her way to finding someone she can get without trapping them or having them feel sorry for her. I still can't get over the fact that you have been with her five years...and you made no mention of any feelings for her, that she was special to you in any way, that you loved her, etc. Once she's gone, don't ever do this to yourself again...or to another person.

[Kelly]

I was in the same situation except Im the girl who got proposed to. I was with someone for 6 yrs and needed to get out of the relationship to get my life together and be by myself and also am not ready to make a committment and get married. I had to make a clean break by moving out and concentrating on myself. I'll tell ya it is hard but I know it was the right thing for me to do at this point in my life and trust me I feel so relieved that I don't have to worry about setting a date and all that stuff. Do what's right for you and stick to it, if you don't you'll be paying for the rest of your life.