Taking Steps Back

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Hi,

I have finally had the courage to post, mainly because I am in a situation that I could really use some advice from people that are going through what I am going through. I am posing this to former OW/OM or even current OW/OM. I'll try to keep it brief:

 

I had an affair with MM for about 5 months. I was in love with him, and he claimed to be with me as well. I admit I was in a fog, he told me everything I wanted to hear and I bought it. Towards the end I started to begin to see that it wasn't what he made it out to be, and he started to change slightly. He stood me up one day, and I was so hurt. Mainly because I finally realized that I was not as important as he made it seem. (This was someone who claimed I was the first person he thought of in the morning and the last he though of at night, (i know, i know))

 

I had a hard time with NC in the beginning, I never contacted him, but I would feel bad not responding to him, so this went on for a few months. Finally, I broke it off for good and have been NC for 9 months. He contacted me 6 months ago, and I did not respond, which was so huge for me.

 

The journey has been very difficult for me, I have taken this breakup so hard. I started to go to counseling, which didn't help, and finally sought a hypnotherapist, which did help me a lot more. I was able to see some things in my past that I had supressed for a while, which opened my eyes to why I have chosen the men that I have chosen. (I won't get into all the details, but pretty eye opening deep stuff), but I am working on these issues.

 

So even though it has helped to know what I need to work on, I have found it hard to move past MM's memory. As much as I know he was no good for me, and he didn't care about me, and I was never more than an easy lay. I can't move on. I feel so empty inside and sad.

 

So that brings me to "Taking Steps Back" I thought I was making a little progress, and I started going out with a guy. I invited this guy to a black tie gala a week ago, and I had an awful time, I kept thinking about MM, and I have not been able stop the thoughts since.

 

Can anyone offer any advice as to how to get past this. I have reminded myself of how ugly it got, and everything, but I'm stuck.

[sad puppy]

Focus on his negative qualities, over and over - he's a liar and a cheater. Conflict avoidance, cowardice, lack of integrity, ... Truly, be grateful you aren't married to him - you dodged a bullet, in the long run. Yes, of course if you fell in love, it's hard to forget but wouldn't you ultimately rather be someone you can love and admire? Actually, you sound like you're doing pretty good, just keep going!!

[UpwardForward]

It's not so important to seek a replacement at this time.

 

Consider who you were before the MM relationship. When you find the whole complete woman, you were intended to be - you will know you are there.

 

These R's where the two are not of the same accord (availability or emotionally) - this just leaches the vulnerable partner.

Edited June 18, 2012 by UpwardForward

[alexandria35]

Have you considered trying counselling again? You felt that your previous counselling wasn't helping but perhaps you just didn't have a good counsellor or perhaps you did't give it enough time? Counselling is not a quick fix and takes time and effort. The hpnotherapy doesn't seem to be helping either and honestly I don't know if I fully belive in the idea of suppressed memories being revealed through hypnosis.

 

It is not uncommon for people to compare new people with their lost love and at this time your brain will lie to you and play tricks on you. You want the new person to make you feel the same as the ex person and when that doesn't happen you feel like it's hopeless, like you will never meet anyone else and that nobody will ever be as good as your ex. These are feelings not facts. People become exes for a reason. If everything about a past relationship was so wonderful and personally fullfilling as you want to believe then that person wouldn't be an ex now would they? Sometimes people get caught in a neverending loop of negative thinking and false beliefs about themselves and about others which leads to emotional distress and unhealthy behavior. Cognitive behavioral training known as CBT can really help break this pattern.

 

It seems that you had a set back because of how you feel about the new guy. You are not falling deeply in love with him and it makes you think about and miss your ex whom you were in love with. Realize that just because the guy you are dating at the moment isn't the one, this doesn't mean that you are never going to find someone special. Don't try to force feelings or a relationship with this new guy and if being with him only serves to make you miss and long for the MM more then stop seeing him altogether. You're not getting anything good from it and you're wasting his time if he is looking for someone to love him.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Thanks Everyone! I wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly!

 

@sp: I do remind myself about those negative qualities on a daily basis, I think it makes me feel worse because I am reminded of how foolish I was to fall for someone like that.

 

@UF: I wasn't in a great place pre relationship, which is probably why I fell for him, but I am actively working on myself and my issues.

 

@a35: you offer some great points. I do feel at times that I will not find someone again and it does make me feel hopeless, but I am definitely trying to work through it. I have seen 7 therapists over 10 years, 3 during/after affair. They did not do much for me. As far as hypnotherapy, I can only speak on my personal experience and it worked the best for me, it's just unfortunate that I can''t afford to go anymore

 

@LG: I'm definitely trying to move forward, it just gets hard sometimes, but thank you

[2sunny]

Move forward by taking that power back that you handed your MM - and focusing on the good that you deserve.

 

My trauma counselor once said to me "what did you seek to get from your man - and HOW can YOU get THAT from YOURSELF?"

 

That was when I realized that I was seeking SOMETHING from men that I needed to search for WITHIN ME!

[TigerCub]

Focus on his negative qualities, over and over - he's a liar and a cheater. Conflict avoidance, cowardice, lack of integrity, ... Truly, be grateful you aren't married to him - you dodged a bullet, in the long run. Yes, of course if you fell in love, it's hard to forget but wouldn't you ultimately rather be someone you can love and admire? Actually, you sound like you're doing pretty good, just keep going!!

 

 

Agreed on both counts

1. I'm a fan of the list of grievances and obvious shortcoming of the MM you miss....It really is handy to look at it and remember everything and all the reasons you should continue with NC.

 

2. Completely agree that you are doing pretty good and you should be proud of yourself. You are proving how strong you really are. Keep putting your self and your self worth over missing him.

 

Its normal to miss these men. You did share something, and to you it was very real. Don't beat yourself up over the way you feel, but be very proud of how you are handling it.

[TigerCub]

Thanks Everyone! I wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly!

 

@sp: I do remind myself about those negative qualities on a daily basis, I think it makes me feel worse because I am reminded of how foolish I was to fall for someone like that.

 

That one, I definitely know, but I found over time, I had to forgive myself for what I did to his gf and for what I did to myself (being foolish and naive enough to fall for all this in the first place.)

 

Instead of letting it bring you down and be harsh to yourself, let it strengthen your resolve to not being foolish like that again, and not settling for asses like xMM.

 

Mistakes are what they are, but you can choose to wallow in them, or learn from them. Don't be so hard on yourself

[MissBee]

I've been where you are and I have to say that it took me a while to get past it...this isn't about MM only, but anyone dating an unavailable person, will often go through these feelings post-breakup. It's one thing to intellectually know the truth, then another to feel and believe it.

 

I think continuous exposure to the truth and a focus on yourself and making yourself better...versus dating new people, helps a ton. I highly suggest the site Baggage Reclaim, you can Google it and check out the articles. Lots of people, myself included, have found it helpful to read about these kinds of relationships, what they really are about, how you contribute to these choices and I think it's a drop in the bucket that helps you to move on.

 

The most important thing I learned was that I had to focus on me. Focus on why I pined after this person, why I chose certain people, why it hurt me so much and be totally honest with myself. I'd journal and talk to my friend and you can post here and slowly you gain clarity and you let go of the illusion.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Move forward by taking that power back that you handed your MM - and focusing on the good that you deserve.

 

My trauma counselor once said to me "what did you seek to get from your man - and HOW can YOU get THAT from YOURSELF?"

 

That was when I realized that I was seeking SOMETHING from men that I needed to search for WITHIN ME!

 

I can definitely relate to this. For me I was looking for love. My childhood didn't provide that. My dad was around, but he never showed me any affection or attention. My mom chose a man over me. So rejection is a big issue with me, and the need to feel loved is the other.

 

I'm working on it....

[EmptyHeartGirl]

That one, I definitely know, but I found over time, I had to forgive myself for what I did to his gf and for what I did to myself (being foolish and naive enough to fall for all this in the first place.)

 

Instead of letting it bring you down and be harsh to yourself, let it strengthen your resolve to not being foolish like that again, and not settling for asses like xMM.

 

Mistakes are what they are, but you can choose to wallow in them, or learn from them. Don't be so hard on yourself

 

TC I must say I really love your posts, you are very honest and respectful. Thanks for responding to my post in the same manner.

I agree with everything you have written, and I am trying to forgive myself...

[EmptyHeartGirl]

I've been where you are and I have to say that it took me a while to get past it...this isn't about MM only, but anyone dating an unavailable person, will often go through these feelings post-breakup. It's one thing to intellectually know the truth, then another to feel and believe it.

 

I think continuous exposure to the truth and a focus on yourself and making yourself better...versus dating new people, helps a ton. I highly suggest the site Baggage Reclaim, you can Google it and check out the articles. Lots of people, myself included, have found it helpful to read about these kinds of relationships, what they really are about, how you contribute to these choices and I think it's a drop in the bucket that helps you to move on.

 

The most important thing I learned was that I had to focus on me. Focus on why I pined after this person, why I chose certain people, why it hurt me so much and be totally honest with myself. I'd journal and talk to my friend and you can post here and slowly you gain clarity and you let go of the illusion.

 

MissBee thanks for the response and advice. I will definitley check out the website you suggested. And I agree I need to get to a better place before I can start dating again.

[MissBee]

I can definitely relate to this. For me I was looking for love. My childhood didn't provide that. My dad was around, but he never showed me any affection or attention. My mom chose a man over me. So rejection is a big issue with me, and the need to feel loved is the other.

 

I'm working on it....

 

Keep working on it. I'm in my own process too and it's going to be painful for a while, there's no getting around it, but once you go through it, you'll be able to make better choices that help you avoid blatantly problematic situations.

 

Just focus on you and the messages you've internalized and how you can unlearn them and take the focus off of him. He's not special. If it wasn't him, it would have been and can still be some other man...as you're the one replaying these messages from childhood and acting out based on them....no new person can change that. He was but one person brought on your path to show you yourself. That's how I look at it; painful relationships are like holding up a mirror to yourself, and you can either look away or really look at what they show you about you. When you do that, there is so much to digest and to do, that you eventually can't continue to worry about the MM or whoever else, but have to embrace you. The more you look, the more you take these people off the hook and realize that you attracted them and you can use the painful experience as a lesson. In time he will be of less and less importance and less blame and you'll realize you have control of how you move forward from here. Good luck!

[2sunny]

I can definitely relate to this. For me I was looking for love. My childhood didn't provide that. My dad was around, but he never showed me any affection or attention. My mom chose a man over me. So rejection is a big issue with me, and the need to feel loved is the other.

 

I'm working on it....

 

So love yourself enough to never settle!

[whichwayisup]

Your affair was 5 months and that isn't a lot of time invested. You somehow need to kill the fantasy of him, how he made you feel, the man you *thought* he was, the man you built up in your mind.. He is married, was looking for an affair.. You fell for him and wanted him for more than just an affair.

 

Focus on the negatives about him, not the positives, how he made you feel, the sex etc.. The guy has a wife, a family and is a liar, a cheater, a user, a betrayer.

 

You have to ask yourself why it's taking so long ,the wound seems so fresh. Do you allow yourself to 'remember, think and fantasize' about him? If so, stop. Doing that IS doing harm to you, preventing you from completely letting go.

 

Kudos to you for sticking to NC. Just hope you're doing NC in your mind too.

 

Stay strong and keep busy. Focus on you, your friends, family, hobbies and other things that make you feel good and happy. If you're not ready for another guy, then don't date seriously.. Have fun and keep it light.

[TigerCub]

TC I must say I really love your posts, you are very honest and respectful. Thanks for responding to my post in the same manner.

I agree with everything you have written, and I am trying to forgive myself...

 

Thank you for the kind words

I'm glad I can help.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and in time you will make peace with it all and move on to much better things

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Thanks again everyone! I feel a lot better today. I guess I really needed some sound advice. I had to really remind myself that even though we had some really good times, I was still very unhappy during the affair. I don't deserve to be anyone's option, but the priority. I have been so used to being the option that I forgot to demand being a priority. I'm doing that now.

I also broke things off with the new guy. I told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and that I didn't want to lead him on. So I'm going to work on me, loving me, and enjoying being with just me. I will keep you updated on my progress.

[MissBee]

Thanks again everyone! I feel a lot better today. I guess I really needed some sound advice. I had to really remind myself that even though we had some really good times, I was still very unhappy during the affair. I don't deserve to be anyone's option, but the priority. I have been so used to being the option that I forgot to demand being a priority. I'm doing that now.

I also broke things off with the new guy. I told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and that I didn't want to lead him on. So I'm going to work on me, loving me, and enjoying being with just me. I will keep you updated on my progress.

 

Excited to hear!

 

Do keep us posted. It feels so great when you make the right, but difficult, decision for yourself. It's such a relief and weight off than staying in a bad situation, going back and forth emotionally because you're scared to upset the already unstable apple cart.