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Engaged relationship issues...


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halfofawhole

This is going to be long...I apologize! Thanks in advance for reading :)

 

Background: I have been dating my fiance for a little over two years now. We met while he was in his last year of college and I was working at the same college (he's two years younger). The relationship started off in your typical "honeymoon" state when it was fun to learn about each other and experience the thrill of doing new things together. He was pretty big in going to the bars a few times a week-but what college guy abstains from that behavior? But he actually ended up proposing to me a little tipsy in the bar one night before he graduated. (He has what I think is a mild case of Asperger's...extremely hard time communicating with people if not buzzed and literally can't look you in the eye...which is why I think he proposed when drinking...) I (foolishly) said yes because I was flattered despite the lack of planning he put behind the proposal. I justified it by the fact that we were both set to part ways for 6 months, me for a job on the West Coast and him one on the East Coast and I think he felt pressured to make me his fiance to keep me...which leads to the first issue in a long line of issues. He was going to be living in a small apartment with two girls, one he had hooked up with in the past. He did not tell me this until days before we were going to part ways for 6 months. I did not like this at all and was very uncomfortable, at which point he asked me to go with him under the condition that he could get me a job where he worked (or would pay for my expenses until I found another job) and we could live together. I (again foolishly) agreed and went with him. Well it was very uncomfortable, the other girl was all over him and constantly talking to him, bringing up uncomfortable topics, ect. It felt like a competition just to get alone time with him. I finally said I couldn't take it and that I was leaving. He understood and begged me not to leave and instead rearranged the living situation so the two girls would be living elsewhere and it would be just me and him. So the summer and fall go by without many issues. Then it was nearing the expiration of his job and he said he wanted to go home to live with his parents for a month to relax and plan his next step. I was fine until I was offered a full time position...but when I told him I had a job offer he blatantly refused to even consider staying and would leave and I would have to figure out life by myself. This was an issue because we had a shared vehicle. So I relented and went home with him under the condition we would only be with his parents for a month and then get our own place.

Well I ended up have a birth control failure and was pregnant. I have wanted children my whole life and I was excited...but my "fiance" said we couldn't afford it, would have no place to live, ect ect. Now he has quite a bit of money from a lawsuit (nearly a million!) and not that it would ever be my place to make him use that money but if I was in his shoes I would step up and do what I needed to do to provide for my child and fiance/wife. But he refused and said I should get an abortion. I was heartbroken but I knew I could not financially support myself as a single mother...and I got an abortion (please, I do not care to hear what a terrible person I am, or how I should have put the baby up for adoption...what's done is done and I already torment myself on a daily basis over what I did) This impacted my greatly and I was really depressed...but he was unaffected and never bothered to comfort me or do anything for me as I suffered. At the same time, we were still at his parents where he promised me we wouldn't stay and even though we both had jobs he refused to move out. So I had enough of living in about 1000 square feet with him, his mom, dad and sibling and moved to my parents. So next he gets a job offer in a place that is very remote and would be hard for me to get a job. He told me for the span of a month he had turned it down. Well, he in fact had accepted it and lied to me for that whole month while simultaneously pretending to look for apartments for us. I was really hurt and just felt like the decision of taking the job should have been a mutual decision that was deciding through ample communication. He only talked to me once. But his family pushed him into it and berated me for not wanting to go. Then he had a bout of lying about his whereabouts...saying he was home and promising to call and then not...come to find he was out partying. I still don't knwo what he did if anything but it's just the lying that broke any fragment of trust I still had in him. But me being stupid and foolish I moved with him to the new job. Now his family is constantly asking to come see him (we live in a studio apartment and they want to stay overnight) or asking him to go home and guilt tripping him for "not being a part of the family". I understand being close to your family, but we/he had just lived there for nearly 6 months and had NO PRIVACY for the entirety that we stayed there. So I asked him if we could just have some time before we see them or have them visit again (he works 6 days a week, 12 hour shifts so we get one day together as it is) He agreed at first and said we'd give it 4 or 5 months, but is now fighting me and saying he wants to travel 5 hours home at least twice a month and that I am being a bad person from keeping him from doing that. I just want a break from his family and don't want two of the four days a month I see him to be spent catering to his parents. And last issue...his sister is pregnant and he adamantly said "I would support her all the way, that's my niece or nephew" This is the same person who fought me to get an abortion and refused to support me and HIS CHILD. I've never been so hurt in my entire life.

Am I wrong? Do I ask for too much??? I know the advice I need is to get the hell away but I just need to know that I am not a crazy, controlling b**** who asks for too much..Any advice would be so appreciated

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Throughout your post you keep saying "foolishly" or "stupidly"..

you know when you're being foolish and when you're settling for way less than you desire.

 

Even without any of the other details, lying should be a deal breaker.

 

If it were me, I'd leave this guy so fast....

 

Why are you putting up with all that?

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halfofawhole

Thanks for taking the time to read Tigercub:)....

I haven't because I think deep down I am scared of being alone and I just feel like I won't have any other opportunities. Saying that I realize how ignorant it is because being alone is better than making sacrifices for someone who treats me with constant disrespect.

I also don't want to go back to living with my parents because I haven't had any luck finding employment. But it's gotten to the point where I can't take much more...and I have changed so much from who I used to be because I feel just worthless at this point from never having my opinion or feelings respected. I don't really have any close friends or places to reach out to, so it's all just so complicated and feels hopeless. :(

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Thanks for taking the time to read Tigercub:)....

I haven't because I think deep down I am scared of being alone and I just feel like I won't have any other opportunities. Saying that I realize how ignorant it is because being alone is better than making sacrifices for someone who treats me with constant disrespect.

I also don't want to go back to living with my parents because I haven't had any luck finding employment. But it's gotten to the point where I can't take much more...and I have changed so much from who I used to be because I feel just worthless at this point from never having my opinion or feelings respected. I don't really have any close friends or places to reach out to, so it's all just so complicated and feels hopeless. :(

 

If a relationship makes you weaker and makes you feel worthless - then you definitely have to go.

 

I understand the somewhat irony of it - that when you feel worthless and you're not as strong as you used to be, you're less likely to make that move, but you need to do it while you can.

 

You are questioning things, and that's a good sign. At least you're not just sitting there accepting what's going on. At least your instinct is telling you this is wrong, you shouldn't be there.

 

Go and stay with your parents if they're willing to have you. No one really likes moving back home and starting over, but if your family is supportive and will be cool with you staying with them till you get back on your feet - take that opportunity - that's what family is for.

 

You are young and you have an education, you will find a job and a new start. Don't settle for someone that makes you feel worthless.

 

Take back your power, dumb his ass and don't let any sweet talk or manipulation let let you go back to him. You're smart enough to know what you're supposed to do, or else you wouldn't have started this thread in the first place or admitted to when your actions were "foolish"

 

You can do this. He doesn't deserve you.

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CarboniteCammy

You know, sometimes relationships can be very, very difficult. With that being said, here are the things I would consider "red flags:"

 

* One person always compromising

* Lack of transparency in the relationship

* Loss of self esteem directly related to the relationship which continues on a constant basis

* A general feeling of being trapped

* Lack of trust; inability to gage someone's intentions for the relationship

 

 

Usually, you'll have one or two of those things in a typical relationship, which will be the root cause of whatever disagreents that you have. You may even have them rear up a time or two, because people usually will exhibit the same character flaws time and time again. We're all human.

 

But, if you have all of those things all the time and the relationship is muddled to the point where there's really no way to even guess what your partner's true intentions are because their actions do one thing but their words another, IMHO, it's probably time to leave.

 

I think you probably know that, but you've spent so much time trying to see your way through the mud of your boyfriend's BS that you yourself are now as confused and unclear on things as he is. Take a few days, and do what you can to clear your mind. Really think about your own path in life, and then look and see where you currently are.

 

Are you close to where you want to be? What are your career goals? Why don't you have any close friends? What does "fun" mean to you now? What are your long-term family goals, and what kind of man do you see being your husband?

 

These aren't the only questions you should be asking yourself, but it's a start.

 

Don't waste time on someone who can't be bothered to take your needs into consideration. You will always be second best to him, because that's the position in his life that you've been willing to take.

 

As a married woman, TRUST ME when I say that the last thing that you want is to be married to a man who cannot put your needs to the forefront some of the time.

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halfofawhole

Thank you both for responding. Carbonite, your explanation of the red flags were spot on and how I have become so confused trying to navigate his BS...those are exactly the issues at hand. Believe me, I know that people are people and we are all flawed...but it's how we deal with our flaws, especially when a part of a relationship, that ultimately defines us. Relationships can be incredibly difficult, but if you love someone you try and deal with your flaws in a transparent way and instill trust and love in your partner...you do not lie and put yourself first and never have empathy for the feelings of your partner.

Even when I told him I am going to leave him, all he says is "K" and goes to the other room. Doesn't fight for me or beg or anything you'd expect someone who claims to "love you" to do. That should be all I need to see this will never be someone who will give a damn about me unless I am acting happy and going along with his choices.

If I evaluate where I am compared to where I want to be, I know where I am is not even close to what I want. I want to have a career and thrive in the workplace. I want to be with someone who is truly my best friend, who sees me as an equal partner who loves me and makes equal sacrifices for me. I want him to stick up for me and our relationship...because ultimately if I might have kids with that person I want to know he will put our family first when needed and not put his mom and dad first. I think extended family is important but it shouldn't affect your marriage...there's a reason we grow up and move out. Relationships are just too hard if you don't have that foundation.

I really appreciate all of the advice, and helping me to see that I really am not asking for too much or being "crazy".

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CarboniteCammy

Well, that's the kind of BS guys do when they don't necessarily want YOU, but they'd rather NOT be alone if they can help it. It's weak willed behavior, and yeah, you do want someone strong to weather life with you.

 

IMHO- he sounds like a total drag. Booooring.

 

When you're done and over this and your brain usurps your pride and you move out, do yourself a favor and be single for a while. Have fun and really find yourself and become the woman you want to see.

 

It would be tempting after being in such a loveless relationship to find someone to love you just so that you can feel whole again. You don't want to do that. That's what he's doing to you.

 

So, get back out there. Make some new friends. Find some new hobbies. Then, when you can look back on the relationship and realize your own mistakes with out getting really mad, you'll know you're ready to move on. :-)

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