Just venting...it's been a month and I give up

[wtfjh?]

Well, I often "turned the other cheek" with this one. I do see your points, believe me. That is why I prayed so hard, though. He always had some rationalization for his actions. It made me doubt myself. "Am I just a crazy, insecure freak, or what?"- I see many lessons in this situation. it was an illusion. And I have had a problem with illusions before.

 

I came to find out he was a fraud, on many levels. Only by then, I was in love and had let so many other things go in my life that I was clinging to the only thing left.

 

I did stand up to him, but he always squashed me down immediately.

 

I know God has a reason for this. I can see many of the lessons already. I'm just hurt. I do feel "jinxed" also, though.

 

I did specify to God that I wanted someone who would stick by my side through think and thin. Someone who would see me and know they home. This was the most tuned prayer I have ever had. I just didn't want to waste anymore time with the wrong guys.

 

I have since written down a more clear and thorough list of the traits I want in my partner, so that next time, there is no mistaking Shoot, when I said my prayer, I even stopped myself when asking for unnecessary, materialistic traits (very handsome, tall, nice hair, etc.)- Well, he turned out to be all those things...I thought, "wow! what a bonus!"-

 

I was blinded. I guess the signs were there. he treated me like crap and I doubted myself. Maybe right there is the lesson. I know my heart and I believe I am a good person. If something doesn't feel right, I need to listen to that.

 

ugh...so confusing.

 

Thanks for the replies guys.

[djones]

KaiaMahina,

 

I thought I was the only one who thought they were jinxed....As I read your post it sounded exactly like me...I did ask all those questions to god, did the psychics, prayed, remove bad luck spells etc....I real about the soul mates etc....I too am in the dark....I am just wondering then if we dont meet our soul mate in this life time ok I can except that some other life time you will meet them...ok thats cool...so what does it me or for you in the here and now....we dont know if this cosmic Karma is for real, untill we die and go up to where ever we go. So does that mean I may never find my soul mate in this life or marry someone that is not my soul mate?....another thing I could be unhappy in this life BUT in my next life I will be happy? well I think that sucks if thats how it supposed to be...

[KaiaMahina]

drjones, "sucks" is not the word for it!

 

I think sometimes that the key is to be as happy as you can make yourself in this life. Whether you meet your soul mate or not. There's nothing that says that you can't meet someone else who may give you many of the beautiful things you long for in a soul mate. It's what you do while you're waiting -- no, it's what you do INSTEAD of waiting for your soul mate -- that may bring them to you more quickly. Or help you to recognize them when you find them, and overcome the obstacles that may appear between you.

 

The other part is that your soul mate may not recognize YOU, or may not have invested the time and effort into their own life which would bring you to them. There are a lot of variables, perhaps. Perhaps those rare couples that you know of who meet when they're young, fall in love, marry, and stay together for a lifetime and are genuinely happy are those who have struggled and suffered for many lifetimes. My ex used to say to me, "Next time let's find each other sooner so that we're young enough to have kids without being old by the time they graduate high school!" You see, he thought that he had known me before. And perhaps he did. And now, in this lifetime, he's screwed up everything!

 

KH

[djones]

Hey KaiaMahina,

 

Hehehe yeah I would say my luck too.... "sucks" does not cut it!!

 

Today I am feeling better and I was batting around the idea of e-mailing my ex i dont know why i guess to tell her that i know i need to get myself in order and maybe she can look me up if she still has feelings for me and I have my life in order and she was not seeing that guy....but I dont send an e-mail out...When I read your post it made me think that I will not be good for her or anyone whille I am not happy with myself and the way my life is going....it makes sence what you say that you need to fix yourself first before you can be with your soul mate...I guess this is someting I have to do, b/c right now I am not happy with my self and the way my life is going and have fix that before I can find my soul mate...rgiht now I hope it was her and I am just thinking that I will not contact her and just focus on fixing myself......Right now I hope that if she is or was soul mate that she will find me...if she does not contact me then I guess I have my answer that we were not ment to be....Its hard to think that now...but I just have to take what she siad to me at face value and take care of my self....As I said I feel better today, but I still miss her.....

I hope was not rambling too much!

[KaiaMahina]

You're not rambling, dr. Making perfect sense for those of us who are where you are!

 

I know how you can miss someone like that. It's like some people just have a way of moving into your heart and even when they move out again, you still keep tripping over things they forgot to pack and take with them...

[djones]

KM,

 

Nicely said, I feel like am tripping over her and she not here.....just random thoughts of her that just pop in my mind, when I am studying or just doing something...I wonder if I have that effect on her right now?....Hope she does, but its hard to think that b/c she was the one to dump me and say she feels a "connection" back with the guy she date before me (the guy whos father died)...so I will never know, unless she finds me again.....hopefully soon or who ever my "soul mate" is to come into my broken heart....I aint getting any younger!! I am 30 and F@&k i feel old!!

[KaiaMahina]

dr, I'd be very surprised if she isn't having those same thoughts of you popping into her head. I'll tell you why...

 

The one man I dumped (wow, what a change of pace!) contacted me a year later. We're now friends. The whole year after I let him go, I was miserable. I cried. I thought about him constantly. I wished that he would call me. I thought of calling him but thought, no, I dumped him. He's hurt and maybe hates me, and surely has a new gf.

 

And, when two men who dumped me contacted me again (because I did strict NC with both), I was shocked at how they had thought about me, wanted to call me, and all the little things that they remembered about me. What kind of potato chips I like! Something funny that I said, a certain t-shirt that I had worn. Little thoughts that popped into their head about me.

 

She'd have to be very cold-blooded, or have never loved you at all, not to have thoughts about you. It's just that sometimes the timing is all wrong...I can only say that once my dumpers and my one dumpee contacted me...it was too late. I had moved on. I suppose the same thing will happen with this latest ex, except that I don't think he'll ever contact me...too stubborn.

 

30 ain't so old! You've got plenty of time...although it doesn't feel like it when all you've known is heartbreak. Still, like my sister says, you never know what's just around the next corner...maybe

 

KM

[djones]

KM,

 

hehe I was just reading your post and the thought came to my mind I hope she is not like you in the sence of what you siad:

 

I thought of calling him but thought, no, I dumped him. He's hurt and maybe hates me, and surely has a new gf.

 

that she does call, b/c I am going on the strict idea that she dumped me and If she wants to get back/contact me she will and I pleaded with her to get back when she dumped me and it did not work. I dont know if she would call...she said several time to me that she is so sorry for hurting me and one time she said she was sorry for breaking my heart...so I dont know what to think...i guess its like the loto you just have to wait for the draw date to see if you win...unitl that you can hope and if its for you you will win.

 

I like what your sister said you never know what's just around the next corner...maybe .....well there are a lot of corners in the world!

[smile95]

I have not talked to my ex (although we technically never split?) in 3 wks..He is going thru a lot of stress due to custody and divorce and shuts me out. THe first week I cried and chased him and he ignored me. I emailed and sent text and no response. I am heartbroken. I am 27 and we planned out life together and now I have nothing. I think about him 24-7 and wonder if he forgot about me and how could he? So overall I chased him for 2.5 weeks. He has done this before and you know when he calls? On his own time. He does not like to be pressured and as soon as I stop (after a wk or two) he calls and acts like nothing is wrong? weird. They will call if you stop. They need to know you need them and when you call or contact, that is shown to them. My bf is such a control freak. As long as I am texting and calling, he knows he still ahs me and i have not moved on....usually when he does this....the 1st words aout of his mouth are"have you met anyone, i noticed you stopped calling" then it moves onto "have you kissed/been with anyone". NC works whether you meet your soul mate in the meantime or it brings them back. But back off and give them time to miss you. I PROMISE they call. Ihave been NC for 3 days and I know as soon as he thinks he lost me, I will get a call, but this time I am not going back. As much as I want to, I deserve better. I cry and cry and sometimes cannot even breathe I am so upset and in tears....but I have decided that I cannot play his ignoring games anymore....I will answer when he calls and for once I am standing up for myself to him. He may be having a rough time with all that is going on, but he has not ONCE thought about how I feel. Sorry for rambling.

[djones]

Hey Beth5201,

 

You are not rambling, hehe KM and I seem to astablish that fact that rambling helps to get out the random thoughts that are flying in our heads that need to be addressed or questioned!!.....I am going to stick by not contacting her and see what happens I guess either way you will heal and get over that person or they comeback to you and it was meant to be....You stick to your guns and dont call him, liek you said they will call.....I am going to hold you on that ...and like you said back off and give them time to miss you.

[Starting Over]

Hey all,

 

I really enjoyed reading the last few posts. I think that Kaia has gained much wisdom and I thank her for sharing it with us all. I think you're right, that we need to love ourselves before we can find that true love.

 

I think about the fact that my ex broke up with me over email, and Iwonder why I would ever want him back.

 

I'm just having trouble moving on...here I go, just venting about myself-- feel free to skip this part-- but I just need to get it out! Sorry to go on about myself....

 

Last night I hardly slept. I had three separarte dreams about my ex. The first was that we were talking and I said that I was still in love with him...and said I knew that I was just stating what everyone else already knew. It the second one, we were at a bar and I left our group of friends and went and sat somewhere else. He came over to me and said that something in the group was missing and he couldn't figure out what it was...then he said, I realized it was "you". And I replied, it's sad, but you're still going to have that same feeling when you're 50 years old. (LOL, at least I'm witty in my dreams!) That meant that he's not going to change, and will regret giving me up...even though it might be much later. In the last dream I fell asleep at a party. When I woke up some girl told that her girlfriend had gone to bed with my ex. I was angry, and yet, apathetic...not wanting a guy that would behave like that.

 

I guess I'm just missing him. And trying to work out at night what I try not to think about during the day. I think he has instituted a NC rule with me. The irony is that I should have been the one to institute it with him...like Kaia says. But my lack of self-respect has kept me from doing that.

 

How do you be mad at someone, and yet still miss them? So, because I can't direct my anger at him today..I've been directing it at everyone else....total strangers, people on the phone, my boss. I just want a fight. I want to say, you did this to me you stupid jerk!!

 

Playing the victim again. I guess I need to decide that this is going to be a good day, despite my dream world sucking so badly. And being totally exhausted with emotion and lack of sleep, and -- sorry guys -- but PMS as well.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Life goes on, right? Am I having trouble moving on...or is this normal?

[djones]

starting over,

 

its normal that you have trouble moving on we all are going through some form of that now. For me I am feeling better, i am able to get more of my work done (studying)...As for sleeping I ham not sleeping well I wake up like 3 to 4am everyday and just sit there doing nothing i cant sleep....I guess its part of being depressed/heart broken....hehe yeah and the directing the anger yeah i have been doing that to my family for the last while....

Yeah Kaia has helpped me see things in a different way thanks Kaia...You ROCK!

[Stringfellow]

I had been dating a gal for 7 months, when we first started dating she told me that her first marriage ended becasue she was having an affair. Her marriage ended and the affair lasted another year. She was dumped by the man she was having an affair with wh she still works with even today and within 1 months time after being dumped she was married to a completely new man. That marriage lasted 5 yrs. she said all he did was yell at her so that marriage ended as well.

We had been dating for 5 months and all was going extremely well when I asked her to marry me, she said yes and then 2 days later she came back to say no, her reasone she gave was that she said yes becasue she wanted me to feel good while she was out of town on business. She played with my emotions so badly, and I started to feel so insecure.The relationship continued and I was feeling insecure with it, we were seeing each other pretty close to daily, and about a month after that she said to me the she loved me but she now only wanted to see me on the weekends, I tried for a compromise of one day during the week but was turned down and she said that she wanted the cake and wanted to eat it to. Now I really was feeling insecure., Now he sits in jail instead of getting the help he needs.

We even went to talk to the minister of the church, he told her that she was contradicting herself by saying I love you, but I don't want to see you. She told the minister that I was to most kind, gentle, warm and caring man that she has ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me.

 

If I am all that, then why are we broke up today, if we know our partner has problems in certain areas don't we try to help them in those areas, I was even seeking counseling to help me in these areas so that I would be a better person for myself and her.

 

When we argued we did so about the insecurities I was feeling, instead of blanketing the flames, she just threw gas on them. What I mean by this is that when we would talk at night on the phone I would tell her I love you, she would just say goodbye. Other things as well but I wont say now.

 

So were my insecurities warranted???

 

So knowing this does anyone feel that she will realize her mistake and ever call me again, I tried to treat her like a queen, hell I would have given my life for he. There were many times in the relationship that she said that she did not deserve me and that i was too good for her. Maybe I should have listened

 

Will she ever call me as I will not call her, she dumped me, I want her to realize her mistake and want me back!

 

I need to add this, after my X tells me she is through my friend gets involved, he says that she needs to feel the pain that she is causing me, he threatens to write a letter to her children letting them know that their Mom cheated on their Dad, ( I guess they still dont know and they are 14 and 12). I talk to him and tell him not to and I get the letter from him and tell him to NEVER get involved again. What he did was wrong and I told her I was sorry and ensured that he will never get involved again. So with this all said I wonder if i will ever get a second chance. If poeple can cheat and get second chances why cant I if I stop something from happening that could have hurt her.

 

Does anyone think she will ever call me again?

 

I also need to add that my X never took the time or energy to get to know my girls ages 11 and 13. They were with us every other weekend and she never once sat down with them to talk to them, to see who they were, oh she took them shopping once or twice but that was the extent of it.

My girls and I are a package deal, if you dont want to know them then you dont want to know me, that is another reason I felt insecure in the relationship. They are now hurting and have even said that they think that they were the cause of out breakup because she did not like them, she told them she loved them but other than taking them shopping she never showed her love for them.

[Starting Over]

it's sound like your ex really isn't ready for a committed relationship. I don't think it has to do with your insecurities. We all have them, and I agree it's important to address the ones that complicate your life or cause you or others pain.

 

But, I think you are right in saying that she "fanned the flame" of your insecurity. She has made questionable decisions in relationships in the past (i.e. adultery). Also, the not saying she loved you, only wanted to see you on the weekends, recinding her answer about marriage, not spending quality time with your children. None of these things are reflections on you-- but just show what kind of relationship she is looking for. And I think that the answer is, not a very serious one.

 

I don't know if she'll call. We'd all like to look in a crystal ball and know the answer to that. I know I've asked myself that question. The irony is that a couple months ago I would have jumped to the phone if my ex were calling. This past weekend, I found myself strategizing how to decline any advances he might make in the future. I'm now almost fearful that he might call, because I don't want to be dragged through the mud by someone who would break up with me over email!!! I decided to be undecided in my response for now. But I'm going to move as slowly as a snail if he ever does call...and consider whether this is best for me, not whether it helps me pass the time.

 

It also helped me this weekend to think about the fact that we only have so much time in this life....I don't want to spend mine hoping someone else will change. I want to go out there and find the person who is already the man I deserve. One who will treat me well, respect me. I can look at my ex's behavior and see that respect was missing.

 

And I think that the same is true for you.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Take Care!

 

S.O.

[Stringfellow]

I dont think she can have a serious relationship with anyone, she seems to have too many issues left unresolved. What do you think about that. I mean she cant say no to her mom, if her mom tells her to do something this woman does it, I asked why she cant tell her no and she says that would be disrespectful.

 

Also her Dad would say to her Baby I see your headed to #3 meaning a third marriage, and she would say "Oh no I am not I am not going to get married again" this with me standing right there.

 

Her mom runs the business that the X works for and the mom is partners with the man that my x had the affair with and her mom knows that he was the man that broke up her daughters marriage. Does that not sound a little strange?

[LexiB]

You guys I am so confused right now--actually have been for a few days. I posted a while ago that my ex broke up with me but we were working on being friends. Well I was totally fine with that, looking forward to it etc (sadly even though it was his idea, I was the one who made the first step toward it). Its been abt 3 weeksand SO far he's been calling alot--way more than I do and the conversations have been nice.

 

Because of all this positivity, I assumed that it would be completely fine for us to hang out again as friends--that is, up until saturday when he actually asked me to hang out. As soon as I got the message on my cell, a surge of anger washed over me totally out of the blue and and the intensity has gone up & down over the past two days.

 

What the heck just happened here??? Us hanging is a normal part of any friendship and what Ive WANTED the past 2 1/2 months on some level or another. I know hes not after some cheap hook-up in asking me out (the relationship was never like that to begin with) and that he legitimately wants to be friends. But I guess the anger comes from feeling like I let him off the hook too easily. I feel now that I basically told him that the crappy way he broke up with me and horrible way he treated me for weeks after, is OK and despite his past jerkiness, he is still worthy of being a part of my life.

 

Mind you, I am not the type that likes to hold grudges against people, esp. those that I really care abt. I am totally willing to forgive his immaturity and work to get back to being the friends we once were, but now I dont think I can let that happen without a genuine apology from him first. Im talking abt an "I'm Sorry" that hasnt been prompted bythe sound of my crying or my rage, but a sincere acknowledgement of how cruel his behavior really was and how much he really hurt me...

 

Arghh!!! I thought I was past all this. I guess I was walking in a daze with the phone calls and the IDEA of us hanging out as friends, but I woke up when the idea posed the possibility of becoming real so soon. Its horrible bc like I said Im the one who initially pushed to maintain the friendship but now I dont think I can continue with it without an apology from him. With that message all the wounds burst open again and I keep remembering the pain I felt not even that long ago. Pain I thought I forgave him for until I just realized, he hasnt even given me a reason to forgive him!! I dont know what to do. Its not even a matter of whether I go with him this week--another opp. is bound to come up sooner or later. The real issue is should I bother with the friendship despite the absence of a verbal apology?

 

I put myself in a mess bc I want the frienshipand am worried that I cant back out now without looking as flaky as h did when he broke up with me. True remorse cant be demanded and since I started the friendship, if he was even planning an apology, I dont think I gave him the chance to go thru w/ it. In my impatience I reversed the natural course of things and tried to move forward before the anger was put behing me.

 

I dont know what to do... ways out of this, PLEASE?

[Starting Over]

Hey all,

 

I just wanted to write an update on what is going on with my ex and I. This past weekend, through a series of coincidences, he found out that a friend of his had invited me out. I didn't go, of course-- that would have just been mean. But Tom found out and a day later sent me a text message.....saying he was jealous, and sorry for hurting me and missed me. I knew it was a football tailgating day, so I assumed he had been drinking since roughly 9am-- and decided not to respond. I carefully (obsessively!) planned my response to sen dthe next day. But before I could, he sent me an email at 7am! Saying that he had in fact been drinking, but everything he said was true. Then he went on with a bunch of very distant small talk about work. He informed me also what he does in his free time-- which, turns out, is very little. He just hangs with the guys.

 

I didn't know what to say...I sort of felt like he sent that 7am email to head-off any response from me...to keep me from getting my expectations raised. But I just couldn't not respond at all...or didn't want to. So I sent a text message that said "got your messages...if you want to talk, give me a call". See, he has refused to talk by phone ever since we first discussed the possibility of a break up. Then, in my weakness, I sent a follow-up text that said "I miss u too". Because I do!!!

 

Surprisingly, he wrote back...but it said "thanks...sorry, but I'm still not ready to call...I know...I'm a pansy!" I really have no idea what that means. It could be that one day he'll call and want to get back together...or that he'll call when he's over me. I'm clueless on that. Maybe I should be an adult and ask?

 

This whole entry sounds like a 14 year old girl trying to figure out whether a boy in her class likes her or not!!! I guess I could try communicating with him like an adult. I am torn between doing that and giving him his space. So maybe I'll wait and write him next week? I think I'll do that. Otherwise, he'll feel like there is going to be an onslaught of emails (in his mind, two emails equals an onslaught:)! LOL. So I'll give him space and ask him for some details later.

 

Right now, somehow, this has planted hope in my heart. I might be positively delusional, I know. I just had thought that he had forgotten me, and he hasn't. I know he had been drinking. But he wounldn't have written if he didn't miss me sober too. He misses me, he just doesn't want to do anything about it right now.

 

So, I might need some honest objective feedback on this....my heart is so hopeful.

 

Either way, I know that God is good. And all the negative things that I thought Tom was thinking about...and the fact that I thought he had just forgotten me completely-- well, he hasn't. I feel better. I had been planting thoughts in my head and saying they were his--- that I was worthless, forgetable, regrettable. Those things are not true about any of us! Relationships fail for reasons, not because we lack worth.

 

S.O.

[KaiaMahina]

I don't know, SO...this whole episode just strikes me as arbitrary and somewhat cruel. He's jealous because another man has asked you out. What did he expect when he broke up with you? Is this "dog in the manger" syndrome? The dog sits in the manger filled with hay and snaps and growls, keeping hay-eating animals from approaching, but can't eat the hay himself!

 

You were absolutely correct to text him that if he wants to talk, he is welcome to call. Like a civilized human being with enough care and respect for you to pick up the phone if he has something to say. Following up with, "I miss you too" was something I wouldn't have done. It only assists in his effort to keep you on a leash. You know, the kind that you can let the dog run out on, but can snap it back when you want to rein it in?

 

I know that this gives you hope. But rather than mere hope, why doesn't he just give you an ANSWER? You can only wait around for so long...you have a right to a full and happy life wherever you may find it. And with whomever you may find it!

 

There's a harsher word I could use instead of "pansy" to describe his cowardice in speaking with you on the phone. It's a characteristic I for which I have no respect. There's the old phrase, "God hates a coward," which essentially means that there's no respecting such a person and that their cowardice causes hurt and pain to others. Why do you think the military shoots deserters? Because they're cowards and they leave their comrades to die instead of fighting next to them. Sounds like a plan to me.

 

You wanted an objective opinion, and while I know this seems very harsh, that's what it is. He needs to fish or cut bait. And if he won't cut bait, then cut it for him. Don't let your love for him make you weak; let your love for yourself make you strong.

[SMF]

I hate cowards. They are the lowest form of filth on the planet. A person that cannot own up to their doings, fight for what they believe in and stand and respect someone else are COWARDS. I wish I could tell my ex to his face that I think that is what he is.

 

KaiMahina- how in the world do you refrain from not telling this to him?

 

Have you had any contact since we last have communicated?

 

I have such urges to call my ex and actually he saw my friend out and commented that he wanted to call me to see how I was doing as things have been reminding him of me BUT he didn't want to hurt me more than he already has and that he didn't want me to misinterpret his call. What do you think about that?

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, what I think about this man telling your friend that he wants to call you, but that he doesn't want to hurt you anymore or cause you to misinterpret him is that he's borderline sadistic.

 

What would possess him to say such a thing that he KNEW would wend its way back to you? It's the "look but don't touch" game. "I would love to talk to you...but I don't want you to think that I want you back." Meaning, "I'd love to torture you by letting you hear my voice and share some parts of my life and then make you miserable by reminding you that I don't want you." Putting you in a hope/despair cycle that will continue until you get sick and tired enough to end it.

 

If I were you, I would tell any mutual friends that you DO NOT want to hear about him or hear anything that he has to say about you. I would do this politely, with a smile, but firmly, and add, "that's all in the past, and I prefer to live in the present." I would do this every time one of these friends feels compelled to carry news to you until they got the picture that it was unwelcome.

 

If he wants out of your life, which he made very clear that he did, then you're OUT. These second-hand messages are just plain cruel. Let the little touch-me-not flower bloom in someone else's garden. Get yourself some weed killer, girl!

 

I have had no contact with the ex since late June, when he dumped me. How do I refrain from contacting him? For me, it's easy. He treated me badly, unfairly, and what he did was an act of cowardice that, if he had played it that way in the military, would have cost him his life. Why would I call him?

 

Do I want to tell him exactly what I think of him? Every day. But I also know that in his heart of hearts, he ALREADY KNOWS. And that's a knowledge that will gnaw at him from the inside out. The fact that I have said nothing, haven't blamed him, haven't harassed him, haven't harangued him, makes it even more obvious. When someone does something rotten to you, they sometimes feel as though they've "paid for it" after you give them hell, and that somehow, that makes everything square. Don't think so.

 

He knows that he hurt me and that I haven't hurt him in return. So there's no even score here. He hasn't "paid for it" and he's not off the hook. He's still in the wrong and he'll continue to be in the wrong until HE rights it. If he wants to lie on his deathbed and have this weighing on him, that's HIS option. I have nothing to worry about when MY time comes.

 

That I'm the better person is becoming all the satisfaction I need. More and more every day that goes by.

[SMF]

You are 10000% right KaiMahina - of course it would wind its way back to me.

 

I have told my friends to not tell me of his whereabouts/conversations, etc...

 

Its funny, I have been doing so so well- then the last 5 days - I have been very upset. Crying daily, disappointed, upset and I know that people have good days and bad days- I am just so negative right now.

 

Additionally, don't you feel that you lack hope sometimes. Like if you thought that your ex was "the one" or "your match" were you wrong? Or did you feel that they were at the time and something lies ahead that is better? My mother always tells me- how can "he" be the person that you are supposed to be with, when "he" did this to you.

 

For some reason I am so negative. I wish I could just snap my fingers and get out of it and get over this person.

[KaiaMahina]

I think you have better and worse days sometimes because of what's going on around you. For me, being given a lousy review at work, and having my computer die on me, and having a dozen other rotten things happen, makes me feel the loss of the ex more than when things are at least on an even keel. Naturally, I'm missing having someone around who cares, someone to call and talk to, someone to share with. When you don't have that, all the bad seems worse and it can set you off your pace for days.

 

When things are going better for me, I may think about him, but not in the same way. Usually just with a feeling of sadness, or anger, but it's fleeting. And I go on about my day.

 

Your mother is right. He can't be "the one" when he could do something like this to you. My sister told me, "He's not the right man for you, because if he were, he would BE HERE." That says it all. No matter how much you WANT him to be the one, he just isn't. Unfortunately, it's difficult to admit that the man isn't your knight in shining armour, he's just a garden variety ass****. Dime a dozen.

[SMF]

KaiaMahina- You should quit your computer and day job and go into counseling as you give the best advice! I think a lot of people would agree.

 

Don't get down on yourself ever, especially you- bc you possess so much strength and positivity. You seem like you have a clear head and you know the direction that you are headed. You are so brave and strong day in and day out and I feel that God doesn't dish out stuff to those that can't handle it. Additionally, you have to admit- you can become more patient, tolerant and smarter based on the crap that has occurred with your ex.

 

I agree I miss the routine too and my ex fit that person. When I was feeling better last week- I too didn't think so so much about the ex- not like I am consumed right now. But I guess pain and strenghthening of the heart takes different phases... its not going to be the same day in and day out as we are only human. Plus extraneous circumstances sometimes effect the way we view our day, our life, etc...

 

Its good to know that the once potent feelings are fleeting.

 

Its true- your ex can't be the best thing since slice bread- I mean he is with his mother. I am sure there is a man that fits the traits that you want, that is out there and essentially will have you be the ONLY true woman in his life- not just his mother.... What would happen to him if the mother ever god forbib passed away? Would he lose it ?

 

Everyone's ex to them has been special in some way - but I guess each person you are with is better than the last. BUT i will say that its hard to see that when you are not with anyone.

 

I have always jumped from guy to guy to guy. Boyfriend to Boyfriend. They have all been serious. I have never removed the bandaid of the old guy until a new guy has waltzed in and that is hard bc this time I don't plan on doing it. I want to get over it alone and not with the help of some other guy. i need to know how to make myself happy and I don't think i do.

 

I am an only child so i guess i have always depended on parents, friends, people to propell me towards happiness. how do you make yourself feel happy? are you happy?

[Starting Over]

Hi all-

 

Kaia, I really appreciate what you had to say. His cowardice is causing other people hurt-- me!! This morning I said a serious prayer that God help me Let him go-- if that's what I ought to do. It's still a scary thought. After one month of us not talking, I missed him so that it broke my heart. I was thrilled to hear from him. I need to seriously consider what you've said though, I think I might be closing my eyes to some things.

 

SMF, I totally know what you mean about making yourself happy. I have done the same thing as you in relationships. And I think that relying on others to make us happy does hurt our relationships. I can't say that I'm happy. But I'm working on it. One thing that has helped me is to think about all of things that would go along with getting married, something that I desire to do. Well, part of it is companionship and love...that's the main part. Then it would also be nice to have financial independence and a house (although these are not reasons to marry-- and marriage doesn't always guarantee them). I just have this picture in my head of this nice little home.

 

So, I took what I liked about that picture and have tried to create the parts I can on my own. For instance, I moved into my own apartment, and have been enjoying decorating it and making it a "home". And since I can't have that "one" relationship with a spouse right now, I'm going to try to work on the rest of the relationships in my life-- to build those up-- to learn how to better love, honor and respect the people in my life.

 

I hope that offers some insight. I just found this website of happiness quotes: http://www.quotegarden.com/happiness.html

 

 

Enjoy,

S.O.

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, thank you for your suggestion and the compliment! I'd love to hang out my shingle in a nice Victorian parlor with an ocean view, and serve tea and sympathy! Plus my two cents.

 

That you have depended on others for your happiness because you've been an only child sounds accurate. It may be that you received much more one-on-one attention because you had no siblings to divert any of that attention. That you realize that shows how much more evolved you are than your ex! I, on the other hand, am one of seven children, raised in the country, and running all over hill and dale. You learn to amuse yourself!

 

You sound great! You're determined not to wade into the next relationship until you've washed away the old one. And it sounds as though you're going to get to know a special person much better...you!

 

Am I happy? No. And not simply because I'm without a companion. Even when I'm with someone, I'm not happy. It just takes the edge off, and I think that a lot of people use relationships as distractions. My life is not what I envision in my dreams...and if I can create the life that I truly want, then a relationship will be the icing on the cake, the way its meant to be.

 

You're quite correct about my ex...he probably will fall apart when his mother dies. At this point, I can envision him living in her in-law apartment for the rest of his life, being her caregiver in her last years (as she was to her mean-spirited, ungrateful and bitter-tongued mother and father), and then being there alone when she's gone. No wife. No girlfriend. Essentially no life. But if it comes to that, that's what he chose on a Monday morning in late June, 2004. Oh, well.

 

Starting Over, how wonderful that you're giving yourself good things instead of waiting for them to be part of a package with a husband! My brother-in-law will call me once every couple of weeks and one of the first things he says to me is, "Did you do something nice for yourself this week?" He got me into the habit of doing something ... a trip into Boston to a museum, or buying something nice to wear. It's important to treat yourself the way you expect a man to treat you, because they can smell insecurity and low self-esteem miles off, like a shark can smell blood in the water. Not to mention the fact that you're much quicker to nip lousy relationships in the bud when a man doesn't treat you well enough. You know how valuable you are to YOU, and if he can't do for you what you'll do for yourself, he needs to push his little cart on down the road.

 

All in all...I think we're all doing very well. I'm proud of us. We have a new beginning with the autumnal equinox next week. I, for one, am glad this summer is over.