Just venting...it's been a month and I give up

[SMF]

We are doing great!

 

We all should be proud bc we are all doing a good job. It takes a lot of strength to fall down and pick yourself back up... Its hard- this weekend I was out and about and I was having fun and he was in the back of my head then of course Sunday night rolled around and he was back in the forefront.

 

I wish I could just not even think about him but I guess a part of me keeps him alive with thinking negative and positive thoughts about him. I just want to let it all go but it is hard. I hope that that feeling eventually fades... has it faded for you? Do you still think about him a ton?

 

You always can make changes in your life- its never to late to shape up the way you live.. and then you are right- the relationship will be the icing on the cake. I just have been super disappointed with the way everything panned out so my view on things are kinda bleek.

 

I have not been able to let go of one thing- day in day out I feel like my words, my calls, me - can change the way this person feels- but I am wrong. If my ex even wanted to be with me the way I wanted to be with him and if he in fact missed me- he would have to come to me. I fully know that I cannot control someone else's emotions and feelings... but why do I feel that I have that power??

 

I also think back that if we were meant to be together then we would be. and we aren't. so what does that tell me- that we aren't meant to be together at this time...

 

I just have had lack of faith that we are all goign to find the right person. its scary to me. as a lot of my friends have their husbands, have their matches. WHERE IS MY MATCH?

 

I thought I had found him but apparently he was not it- bc my match would not do this to me and hurt me and not want to be with me. SO GO FIGURE!!!!

 

Lets talk about what we can do to make ourselves think of positive things not concentrate on the negative when the negative creeps in.

 

1- I try to think to myself that I am a good person and its his loss

2- Why would I want to be with a rat

 

Anyone want to add on??

[Stringfellow]

I am thorugh thinking about my X, it has eaten at me like a cancer from within, I have done all the what if's I can, I was treated with disrespect when she told me she would marry me to only 2 days later came back and say no, I just said yes to make you feel good while I was out of town on business. I was disrespected by her saying "I love you but I only want to now see you on the weekends when we had been seeing each other every day, again by continuing to work with a man to this day that she had an affair with that ended her first marriage and does not think anything about it, again when she would tell her Dad with me sitting there and knowing that I wanted to marry her that she was never getting married again. Again when she never took the time to get to know my kids, but would tell them she loved them, but never sat and talked to them to know who they are or what they were about. And finally when I gave her and her parents some vital information about intervention that might have kept her brother-in-law out of jail who is an alcoholic and drug addict. They did not even bother to look into it and now he sits in jail instead of in a rehab program.

 

She broke up with me by email, saying that I tried to come between her and her family, that I was insecure and I was needing my ego stroked, gee I wonder why I was insecure after being treated like she treated me, she did not even have the guts to do it in person and when I asked politely for her to return my personal property to me and she said she would has never done so.

 

I am now going to cut out that cancer that has eaten me alive from the inside. She is the one that has issues, I loved her with all my heart, I would have given my life for her, I told her each day how much she meant to me and I showed it by sending flowers to her, by leaving love notes for her, by driving 70 miles each day one way to see her, she never came to my town to see me.

 

I was a giver and she took it all and never returned the giving of love. sure she bought me some clothes, becasue she wanted me to look good when I was with her, I would have rather had her heart.

 

My knife is sharp and I now cut this cancer away and leave it in the trash.

 

Stringfellow

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, sure I still think about my ex. He's now installed in my memory banks and, unless a boulder drops on my head, damaging my long term recall, he's there for the duration. Doesn't mean that he won't be filed waaaayyyyy back, in the "pops into head approximately once per 365 days, give or take a few" file at some point. And when I meet the one I'm looking for, he may drop even further back, like into the "what the hell was his name?!" bin. Along with the blurry, uncertain faces of the majority of my graduating class, people I've seen on the subway, and those character actors on old reruns.

 

The haunting idea that you can change his mind...that may only be an illusion. It may be the last of that semi-guilty feeling you get when someone leaves you...what could I have done/not have done/should have done/shouldn't have done to keep this man? That it was all, somehow, in your control, and that it was just a miscalculation on your part that brought it all down. Now it's a feeling that "I could get him back if I just talked to him." The bottom line is: you don't want an android programmed to love you, and you don't want a man persuaded by your words to love you, either. If this isn't something he can figure out on his own, in a reasonable amount of time (and to me, reasonable is anywhere between 3-6 months -- come on! the world was created in only 7 days!), then to hell with it.

 

As for finding your match...there's no set time frame for that, I'm afraid. Perhaps your friends have found their match for the time being. Who's to say they won't divorce in 5-10-15 years and then be on the search for "the one" again? Pretty common scenario. I'm not being nasty or negative, or in any way ill-wishing them. I'm just pointing out that it's useless to compare yourself to others, either for good or for bad. Because each person had their own row to hoe, and no two are the same. You never know what's around the next corner, as my sister says.

 

Funny, I was watching television last night. A documentary about Lori Hacking, the woman whose husband lied to her about his education and his abilities and then ended up killing her when she found out. Everyone they interviewed made comments about how "perfect" they were for each other, how they "adored" each other, how they felt as though they had "always known each other." Same thing with Scott and Laci Peterson. Things could be worse...instead of being dumped, we could be dead. We aren't the only people who've ever titanically overestimated the positive qualities of our "match"!

 

Stringfellow...I'm sorry you're hurting this badly...but it sounds as though you've reached your limit. Hopefully this is a turning point for you, as painful as it is, and if you can get rid of this thing that's eating you alive, you'll be greatly relieved. She doesn't sound as though she appreciated anything that you did for her, or tried to do for her, and breaking up via email is pretty low-down.

[SMF]

What comes around goes around!!!

 

KaiaMahina- very very very true, you never know what is lurking behind the corner... I tend to be a competitive person and unfortunately one of my flaws is that I am measuring my capabilities, my sucess, my failures up against my friends. I just have always been the best at everything that I did- except with LOVE. Isn't that ironic. Guess God- wanted to give me skills with everything but matters of the heart...

 

Its very true- I used to date a guy for 2 years.. thought he was the end all be all. we didn't have the best relationship but I adored him and I still work with him. when we broke up - i thought how in the world will i get through seeing him every day... well guess what!!! I DID! I look at him now and just smile- I don't think good or bad thoughts about him. He has moved on and actually dates a playboy model right now which is so typical- but i thought I could never ever get over him.. So we know that we will EVENTUALLY get over things and those thoughts will not be so prevalent in our heads.

 

Thanks for helping me put things in perspective... I really do rely on your advice.. I hope I can assist you in the same way!!! I hope one day you write me and tell me about a new wonderful person that you meet bc you deserve so so much... But yes, you are correct- if these ex's couldn't realize what was so good in their life- then screw them. We are so loving, giving, smart- we are all that our exes are not and perhaps when they are around us, all of their inadaquacies come out.. We should be with quality as that is what we are.

 

It is a haunting idea that I can change the situation. I work for a major news publication in the sales dept and I have had my sucess based on my persuasive personality and as an only child- i also only got my way. This might be a case of wanting something to go my way when in fact it just won't.

 

Have a lot of your friends ended up in divorce? Its not being negative - its the truth!! I don't wish any ill will on my friends either but all my friends got married very young- 24/25/26 so whats to be the case when they are 35? Bored? I hope not.

 

The one thing I am excited for is falling in love. I did fall in love with my ex but I never ever told him so and he never told me. What the heck is wrong with that situation?

 

We deserve good things kaia- we do!!!

 

Its true- when the news came out about Lori- I was thinking the same thing.. Everyone said how wonderful the pair was, how great the couple was together, etc.. This smart, sucessful woman had NO IDEA about her spouses deep, dark secrets and lies. We could be dead!

 

I believe that what comes around goes around. It always has and it always will. Do onto others as you would like others to do to you. I could never have the heart to hurt someone in the cruelest fashion. I just wouldn't. If I needed to break up with someone, I would try to do it in the nicest, most patient way. The way our exes did this via phone.. that my friend is sour character.

 

We are superior... they are rats in the gutter.

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

I have to ask you guys and KaiaMahina... you all pretty deep thinkers...I was just thinking as per usual we all had relationships and heartbreak, I was wondering the relationships that work ie our firends, parents etc they usualy say that they just knew this person was the right person for them. I trring to asertain what the hell is that "feeling" one gets or just knows that this perosn is the right one. I think we all thought our ex's felt right for us, but what were we feeling comparied to what others feel and are suceessfull in a relationship. I dont know if you guys understand what I am tring to say...its been a long day for me and my mind is mush right now. (side bar...I am doing a lot better, still miss her but I have been keeping my self busy with a business plan idea and it seems to help me not think about her often).....well why I am asking today I was talking to someone and they were talking about her husband and she just said she knew this was the guy for her, but I asked her what about her husbans she said he did not know at the time....So I am just wondering if this is a once sided thing...FYI they are like married for 25 years so I guess its worked for them.....any thoughts guys?

[Stringfellow]

You are correct, I do hope that what comes around will go around, I gave this woman my whole heart, no I dont make the money she does so I could not afford to buy her alot but I would do the small things like cook, clean her house for her, do her and her kids laundry, fold clothes, fix things mow the yard for her, clean her toilets, give thier dog a bath, stuff like that. I live 75 miles away from her but each day after work I would drive to her place in order to be with her.

 

Not once did she ever make the offer to drive to my place. If we talk trust, do you know how hard it is to trust a person in this case her who is currently working with a man that she has had an affair with, and to top it off they have to travel on business together. When I proposed to her and she said yes, then 2 days later she came back to say no and I asked why she said yes her answer was "I just said yes to make you feel good while I was away on business" Well guess who she went on the business trip with? You are correct! At that point I lost trust in her, heck it was hard to have it knowing she still works with him.

 

All I ever wanted to do was love her, but with me present she would tell her Dad that she was not ever getting married again, this after I had already proposed to her, gee make me feel good!

 

Can any of you understand how I felt, why I felt insecure in our relationship? And when she broke up with me she did so by email! I deserved better than that, I treated her with kindness and love and tenderness.

[KaiaMahina]

Stringfellow, you did all the right things for the wrong person! Washing her dog?! Folding her laundry?! Cleaning her toilet?!!! Hmmm. Like my mother used to say, she should be put into a burlap bag with a wildcat and dumped into a river to see which one comes out first.

 

Insecure in your relationship with her? Oh, yeah! I think you'd have to use a magnifying glass to even determine if there was a relationship! She seemed to be on the receiving end of a pretty hefty load of good stuff, but not much coming back the other way. That's no relationship. That she cut you loose via email only adds insult to injury. All I can say is: don't let this embitter you. There's a woman out there somewhere who will thank her lucky stars one day that your mother gave birth to you.

 

drjones...it would seem that some of us "shine" and some of don't. Yeah, I've heard all the stories about laying eyes on someone for the first time and "just knowing" that it's forever. Uh-huh. So why did I get that sure and certain knowledge, that tingly, perfect feeling in the pit of my stomach, that sensation that I was inextricably linked by invisible threads to my ex...and then he goes and dumps me over the phone at 9:00 on a Monday morning with no warning? Huh? What?

 

Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe the "successful" people just lucked out? Maybe they had thought the same thing about a half dozen people BEFORE and been disappointed (only they don't bother to mention this fact to you)? Maybe there's some subtle difference in the feeling you have when you THINK this is the one and the feeling you have when it really IS the one? You can make yourself a crazy person trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

 

Look, I'm getting a guy who dumped me twice calling and telling me now that we're "fated" to be together. That the 5 years we've been apart have been necessary for our eventual successful union. Ostensibly for ME to improve. Hah! This guy wants to marry me. He's convinced I'm "the one" and he KNOWS that I am now, etc., yickkety-yakkety. Bull****. I don't know any such thing about HIM.

 

I had another guy who dumped me, then asked to see me again. I agreed and he sat there and told me that he made a mistake because he KNOWS that we're right for each other. Really? Since when? I'm beginning to think that this "knowing" thing is highly subjective. Because he and I broke up for good the second time around.

 

SMF...you sound as though you're learning a LOT about yourself as a result of this emotional thrashing you took at the hands of your ex. I suspect that you're going to end up with getting a lot more out of this situation than he will. You're a different person coming out than going in, and he's probably precisely the same. What did Einstein say? You can't solve a problem at the same level of intelligence as when you created it? Something like that. Which just means that you're smarter now, and you can make a better relationship with the next guy.

[SMF]

We all can learn...

 

A character is defined not by how you enter but how you exit and how you rise. I feel like we all are better and stronger people having gone through the torment. We know we are capable of loving, having solid relationships and that our exes are losers who will be in the same place and have this ill-pattern happen to them over and over bc they never work on correcting themselves.

 

I made a mistake last night while deleting pictures from my digital camera--- looking at a few. I noticed that the picture the day before we broke up was there and we both looked so happy. What an actor he was? Does anyone feel that moments before the breakup occurred... that you had NO CLUE?

 

How is this possible. I am so intuitive, so instinctively right all the time. How KaiaMahina did we not know that this blow was coming via phone??? I just don't understand how we were fooled by the cruel?

 

Yes, I deleted all the photos and cried my eyes out. Its just a damn shame.

 

I agree with you that sometimes "Thinking this person is the one" is a little different then "knowing" but I have yet to experience that since I have failed at thinking/knowing- whatever you want to call it. I was more or less CONVINCED that my ex was the one but did this occur bc I wanted him to be the one so badly? I so badly want to get married and I did feel that since we had a nice, healthy, non-argumentative relationship that he was the one... but maybe he isn't. the bedroom wasn't always that great. not a ton of passion.

 

I guess when the real RIGHT comes along we will really know... I just don't know when in the world this will happen. Just trying to have some patience.

 

KaiaMahina- have you been dating? I hope so....

[Stringfellow]

So, tell me how was I supposed to deal with the fact that she is working with the man she had an affair with? I would think and I have asked alot of people, that if the affiar is over she should find another place of employment, even if she does work for her mom, this man is her mom's business partner, (how can he be trusted as a partner if he cheated on his wife)? Then knowing that they have to go on business trips together, stay in the same hotel together, how would any man feel? Or how would any woman feel if the roles were reversed?

 

So I never said anything, but when she came back from her busines trip with the man she had the affair with and did the U Turn on my proposal, I started to wonder and my trust was being lost quickly.

 

How would you feel if you proposed to a man, he said yes, then he came back to say 2 days later, I just said yes to make you feel good! Would you and every one else walked then because that to me was emotional abuse. Am I wrong??

[KaiaMahina]

Stringfellow, you are well out of this situation. Yeah, I know you've heard it before. So have I. But it's almost like you have to club yourself over the head with the same brick over and over until it sinks in.

 

She told you she would marry you to make you feel good?! Emotional abuse? That's emotional cruelty. Either that, or the answer was yes until she had another close encounter with Mr. Integrity in the cushy confines of a hotel room while on "business". And what kind of guy has an affair with his partner's daughter?! This whole situation reeks. You have every right to feel used and betrayed. This woman must have been masquerading as someone completely different for you to fall for her in the first place. At least I hope that she was, because I'd hate to think you went into this with no illusions!

 

You haven't been hurt by a decent person, String. You've been played by a selfish, manipulative one.

 

And speaking of masquerades, SMF, what a staggering blow to find a digital pic taken one day before the axe fell and find no nuance there of what was to come! They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I'm sure you would have had more use for a thousand words from him warning you what a weasel he was instead of the damn picture!

 

Am I dating? No. It takes me A LONG TIME to find anyone I have an affinity with. It's very dispiriting, and I try not to think of the lonely days ahead, but you can't hurry love, as the Supremes used to sing. I'm admittedly in a deep depression, not helped by the fact that the days are growing colder and darker, and that this time last year I had comfort against the cold and dark.

 

For the first time in about 5 weeks, I cried last night. Couldn't stop. Curled up in bed, with sweats on (it was a COLD New England night last night) and cried until I fell asleep. I think it was because it hurt me so badly that he doesn't seem to miss the intimacy and love that we had...that he can soldier on without hearing my voice, or seeing me, or telling me the kinds of things you can only tell the person closest to your heart. It's so hard for me to find that someone who, when you try to express something that there are no words for, FINDS those words for you, because they know what you're trying to say when no one else in the world does. How do you replace that? How do you go back to nothingness when you've experienced that? But he seems to have done so. And I find it difficult to figure out why I'm even getting out of bed in the morning. I would never have given up what we had, but he was able to, because his fear was greater than the love he had for me. Not saying much, is it?

 

If I could find that same thing with someone else, I would take it. I'm hoping that I will find it with someone else, and more. It's like the Bible says, when it talks about finding a pearl of great price, and selling everything you have just to own that pearl. I would do that to have someone in my life like that. But apparently, the price was too high for him. He was a masquerader, too, just like the others. Pretending to be a man with the courage to be with me. When in reality he simply didn't have what it takes to make a real life with any woman.

 

The key is to unmask these people before they can do so much damage. But how do you do that when they're not just fooling you...but also fooling themselves?

[SMF]

kaiamahina-

 

you are so very strong- don't get down on yourself. It is your Ex's loss..... YOU WILL Find someone else that represents the traits that you want in a man and what you miss is the routine and the love of someone else. I miss that too. I fully do so what you are going through- well you aren't alone.

 

Sometimes it is good to cry- form of healing. I do it all the time.. sometimes I go a week or so and I am not "Effected" other times, out of no where I get very sad and I just feel so so hurt. But the hurt goes away and we are stronger from it.

 

You seem so wonderful and I am sure that you will find someone once you have a positive outlook on things. I know that it is hard, trust me.... But sometimes when you change the way you look at things- things start happening positively. My dad always tells me that- perception is everything. If you wear your dark colored sunglasses toooo long... the world looks very dark...

 

I guess you just have to try to look at the positive. Hopefully your loved ones are healthy... and happy. My old boyfriend's mother just died of cancer this weekend. It puts things in perspective for me... bc what am I grieving about. NOTHING. a worthless piece of crap....

 

Your ex, my ex, are disgusting pieces of slime... Not worth it anymore

[Stringfellow]

You are correct, the first 5 months with her were bliss, I was in heaven, then she changed after she started to work with this man again. The affair man, which goes with the same time I asked her to marry me. I thought I was going to be marrring the most wonderful gal I have ever met. Boy did it turn out wrong!

 

This is her loss not mine, I was very good to her, how many men do you know would do her laundry, fold and put it away, with her kids laundry, clean house, toilets, clean the garage, fix stuff, mow the yard, be volunteered to do stuff without saying anything, run her kids around, wash her car and vacuum it out, clean the oven, buy flowers and have them sent to her office once a month, bring some sort of flowers home at least bi-weekly, buy her cards, leave love notes, weed her flower gardens, give a bath to the dog and on top of it all not say a word to her knowing that she ws working side by side with a man she had an affiar with, knowing that they took a business trip together alone and when she returned she gave me the u-turn on my porposal. I was hurt an devistated, but someday if I continue to do the above listed things for another gal, some one will have one hell of a man to keep for the rest of their lives.

 

String

[BlueHeavens]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

The key is to unmask these people before they can do so much damage. But how do you do that when they're not just fooling you...but also fooling themselves?

 

Kaia~

 

This is in my opinion one amazing question. I wonder if it should be a topic of its own. I've had this problem several times; how do you deal with a person who lies to himself? Anyone have any input?

[Stringfellow]

What is your thought on what I have posted, trying to get as much input as I can here!

[BlueHeavens]

Stringfellow,

 

Sometimes I think there are women who may not appreciate what many of us would consider "a good thing". She has been willing to let you get involved in her life in a very close personal physical way; however, that might not be the same as a close emotional way. Your description of your relationship sounds very one sided, with you consistently shouldering most of the work, and that makes me think she's not too into it, or too attached. I feel that if she doesn't step up at least some of the time, you're being used, and your grand plan to impress her or make her feel special may be backfiring on you. She may consider you to be a bit of a door mat, always at her beck and call...and your comment about how she bought you clothes, not as a gesture of gratitude, but so you'd look better when she's around you, makes me think that for some reason she feels superior to you. By reducing the kind gestures you do and watching her behavior, you'll find out quickly what she's interested in--you, as a man, or a manservant...I'd have to be half dead before I'd let anyone I was dating do my laundry or scrub my toilet. That's for sure! I can't say I understand why she is comfortable with that and not incredibly grateful.

 

There are a lot of factors here. She already has a couple of failed marriages under her belt, and I suspect she is actually doing you quite a favor by not marrying you. I think on some level you already understand that, but you may have trouble understanding why she seems to be rejecting all the love and goodness you're trying to give to her. To that I say logic just won't give you an answer. Some people, for all their ego and apparent successes, just can't handle love from other people. Or maybe she sees all this activity focused on her as a way to control her. She does sound like a bit of a rebel, doing such a dumb thing as getting involved with someone at work.

 

My thought is for you to find a bit of your own life again. You've given up a lot of it for her. If you have some guys to hang around with and watch football, or whatever you like, I'd say do it. If not, I'd suggest you volunteer your efforts at a hospital, food pantry, homeless shelter, or other place where your generosity will be more deeply appreciated. Try to get some space from the situation, and I think it will help you have better perspective. In a while, I suspect you will feel much better without her--even though it's very hard to see that now. I think really, no matter what you think she wants, try not to worry about it. Do something that might be very hard, but really good for you in the long run. Get away from her and go back to loving yourself that way again. Chalk it up to a great learning experience, don't worry about that other guy where she works, and all that stuff. I think if it wasn't him, it would be someone else, and she's not currently a woman who is ready to be in the kind of relationship you desire. I think there are many women out there who are; and they'll really appreciate you. So, take some time to heal, then try again...you sound like a person of value, and you should try to remember to appreciate yourself. Things will then fall into place in a much better way...(I hope)! :-)

[Stringfellow]

I have been out of it for about 1.75 months now, and I am feeling better about myself, this is her loss. I was not trying to control her. I just was showing that I cared, I dont think she has it in her to be in a relationship. I feel she needs some help/counseling and then maybe she will be ready for another man. She also needs to get away from her mom, out from under her thumb in her personal life as well as her business life. I do not think any man would want her working with a man she has had an affair with and taking business trips with him alone.

[KaiaMahina]

Blue, it's been my experience that there's not much you CAN do with someone who insists upon lying to himself. In my case, the ex had carefully knit together some kind of pseudo-Brady Bunch childhood piece by non-existent piece and carefully sewed all the tattered edges with golden thread.

 

The sad reality was that he was the family scapegoat in a Portuguese man of war colony headed by an alcoholic father (who may have been either delusional or a pathological liar) and a controlling, domineering, suffocating mother. The siblings consisted of Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, Miss Loveable Eccentric and little Mr. Know-It-All (his younger brother who has succeeded in everything in which the ex has failed).

 

The only one of his family members I could stand was his father, which was probably mainly because he was dead. But I got the idea that the man was miserable because he was being buried alive by his wife and sought escape in the bottle. I can't say that I blame him. I'm not big on men abandoning their wives and children, but I would have packed this guy's ditty bag myself!

 

The rest ranged between obnoxiously hateful (mother) and pathetic (Miss Loveable Eccentric). All of them, including the ex, are busting their cans trying to win the love and approval of mama. My ex, being the scapegoat, hasn't figured out in the last 50 years, that he AIN'T GONNA GET IT. Mr. Know-It-All has it all sewn up.

 

Sitting at dinner on a Saturday night with the ex and his mother was a horror show. I think I realized long before he dumped me that I would never be his Mrs. because he already had one: his mother. It was tiresome to sit there and watch her pick at him like they'd been married for 30 years and she couldn't stand the sight of him any longer. It was embarassing and lonely. I would have been in better company alone on the dark side of the moon.

 

Not that the ex didn't really KNOW what the real story was. He told me some of the very mean things his family has done to him, and I had a front row seat to experience many more of them. But when I stood my ground about NOT living with Mother, NOT working with her, NOT going on vacation with her, and NOT showing up at her endless command performances several times a week, weekends and holidays, I got blasted! He knew the truth, but when it was pointed out to him from an outside source, it was too threatening. I wasn't about to play along with the lies he was always trying to believe for himself, so I had to be cut from the play.

 

You know what the ironic part is? He once told me that one of the reasons he loved me was that I never lied to him! Hah!

[Stringfellow]

Damn, you describe my X's family to a T, except the dad, he dont drink but he must know it all. The mother, is very controlling. I was once told a story about my x's X who had a run in with the mom becasue he disiplined his nephew. My X's mom went off on him, how dare he disipline her grandson, he had no right to do so. The grandson was throwing a temper tantrum and the x's X told him to stop acting like a baby. he is like 15

 

I wish we could cha sometime Kia on the phone, I bet we could exchange war stories.

 

Stringfellow

[Stringfellow]

Well it has been over 2 months since the X and I broke up, and I have found out she is dating someone, it was so easy for her to move on. She is like a person not able to be alone.

 

Can any of you tell me where I went wrong? I will repost my post so you all can read it and tell me wht I did wrong so I wont repeat the same mistakes.

 

Thanks

 

Steve

 

REPOST

 

 

I met a gal who has the following past, she was married for 10 yrs, during the 9th year she started having an affair with a man who she still works with today. She and her first husband tried counseling but this woman who I will name Carla kept the affair going while trying to reconcile the marriage, needless to say they got divorced. The affair continued for another year until the man she was having the affair with dumped her. She met a man a week later and they were married 1 month later.

 

That marriage lasted 5 yrs, she said all he did was yell at her for no reason, (I have to wonder what role she played in it but never the less) they got divorced. Three months later her and I met, she had dated a few men between that time before we met.

 

We went out several times and the she cut it off. We started seeing each other 3 months later, things were awesome so during month # 5, I asked her to marry me and we could set the date for a year or so later. I asked her to marry me and she accepted, she left town for a business trip (with the man that she had the affair with in the past because they still work together), I was in heaven, upon her return she said that she did not want to get married, I asked why did you say yes then, her answer was "I just wanted to make you feel good while I was out of town on business" Most folks I have talked to said that was cruel and even some say emotional abuse. I did tell her that I wont ask her again so if she wanted to get married to me that she would have to ask me next time. She said OK, and that is where we left it.

 

Her Dad would say to her looks like you are headed towards #3 (referring to marriage # 3) and she would say with me standing there, "No I am not Daddy, I am never getting married again, she knew that I wanted to get married, she was telling him this after I had already proposed to her.

 

I never stopped dating her hoping that someday she might change her mind but I NEVER let her know how bad she hurt me. My feelings of being secure in the relationship started to suffer, (which I was told would be a natural response), I was looking for reassurance and sometimes she would give it and sometimes she would not and when she would not we would get into arguments which was about once a month.

 

Then month 6 rolls around and until now we had been seeing each other pretty regularly, she then says "I love you but I only want to see you on the weekends" I tried for a compromise of 1 more day during the week and she said no, that in this case she wanted to have her cake and eat it to.

 

We went to see a minister and he told her that he could see why I was someone then you want to be with them as much as you can. So she said "well I guess I can give him what he needs and see him one day during the week" She also told him while I was sitting there that I was the most kind, gentle, most caring man she had ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me. When we left the meeting she told me she was going to show me what love really was.

 

Two weeks later we are broke up, she said that I tried to come between her and her family. During the fifth month of dating her brother-in-law who is a alcoholic and drug addict drove home drunk and high and drove his truck through the garage door, smashing stuff inside, he went into the house broke a TV, punched holes in wall and so on. It was after that event that I gave Carla and her parents information on intervention, (I grew up in that environment and could see what direction the brother-in-law was headed) after hearing her Dad say one day that if he ever hurt the daughter (Carla’s sister) or the grand kids that he would take a gun an shoot that SOB.

 

Two months later he does the same type of things, this time he ends up in jail and is facing prison charges. I asked her did the family look into the info I gave you on intervention, she said no and I asked why not, What I got from her was, "WELL I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, I said that is not the point, the point is that I came from that environment and I could see what direction it was headed, if they had looked into the info that the brother-in-law might not be in jail and facing prison time, again I got "YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME", I asked this question, “if you blow me off about something like this when I have had experience in it what else are you blowing me off about. We were in a argument at this point and it was around mid-night and I said lets just go to bed and talk about this in the morning. She said that she was not going to take off work just to sit and argue with me. I asked her at that point what would she take off work for. I asked if she would take off if her kids were sick and they were vomiting, (her kids are 12 and 14) she said no, that she would only take off if they were vomiting violently but otherwise she would go to work.

 

I was always a gentleman to her and her family, I treated her kids well, I helped around the house by cleaning, doing

laundry, fixing things, cleaning the toilets, giving the dog a bath, mowing the yard, cleaning the whole house and various other things. I did these things to show her that I cared for her and loved her. I had flowers sent to her office about once a month, I took her flowers home about once a week, I bought her cards, I left her love notes in her car, in the shower, in her purse, I would send her emails during the day to tell her I was thinking about her, and that I loved her, I would call the radio station in her town to have songs dedicated to her and other things as well.

 

She works for her Mom and her Mom will say things that hurt Carla’s feelings, her Mom also runs Carla in her personal life, Carla cant tell her Mom no. If her Mom tells her to do something Carla does it, I asked her why and she said that she cant tell her Mom no, that her Mom (who is like 61 with no health problems) wont be around much longer and it would be disrespectful to tell her no.

 

She told my girls ages 11 and 13 that she loved them, and they asked me when it was over how could she love us dad, she never sat down to talk with us, she never took the time to know who we are, she never played with us. When we broke up my girls were hurt.

 

 

We dated for about 7 months, I live about 65 miles away from her, and each day after work I would head to her place. Sometimes I would have to work late, not arriving at her place till 9:30, just in time to go to bed so I could be up at 5:50 am so I could make the 1.25 hour drive to work. She would call me and say, "if you are too tired to drive here you can just stay in town". I would make the drive anyway so I could spend time with her. Not once did she make the drive to my place, she did not suggest taking her kids to her moms who only lives 2 blocks away and coming to my place so I would not have to make the late night drive. Seven months and not one time did she make the drive she has a new car so that would not be an excuse.

 

In defense of her she did buy me some clothes and dinner on several occasions. She also bought me flowers a couple times and a couple of cards.

 

I was getting a lot of mixed signals, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me, she said she would set up an appointment on several occasions, but she never did.

 

Her sister and brother-in-law are both deaf, she told me she would teach me to talk to them using sign language, she never did, I asked her to several times and she would say she would but she never took the time to do so. So she would talk to them and I would not have a clue to what they were saying.

 

So tell me, was this relationship doomed from the beginning, she has never sought help for her past, I asked her to seek help because she was being eaten up by her secret of the affair and she told me how much it bothered her, and she is so afraid that the kids will find out and then not love her anymore.

 

Does she sound like a woman still wanting the affair because she has not gotten away from this man at work, and she takes business trips alone with him.

 

Did I have the right to feel insecure in this relationship?

 

Did I do something wrong by suggesting intervention for the brother-in-law?

 

Where did I go wrong?

[KaiaMahina]

String...you know the scene in Taxi Driver where Robert DeNiro is posturing in the mirror, playing tough and saying, "You talkin' to ME?" Here's my advice for you...go to YOUR mirror and play tough and repeat "I didn't do NOTHIN' wrong!" Over and over. Say it defiantly. Say it with confidence. Don't say it defensively. Because you've asked in your post, "What did I do wrong," and the answer is NOTHIN'.

 

Well...maybe it depends on exactly what you're asking. Do you mean, what did you do wrong to cause the relationship to end? Or do you mean, what did you do wrong to find yourself in the middle of this mess tentatively referred to as "a relationship"? If you're asking the first question, see above.

 

If you're asking the second question, what you did wrong was not cutting her off immediately when she lied to you about accepting your proposal of marriage. And if you really want to get technical, you perhaps did wrong in revitalizing the relationship when she broke it up the first time. My experience has been that once the bloom is off the rose, go toss it on someone's grave. "Starting over" with someone you've already experienced problems with is almost always doomed to failure. I don't know who approached whom, but you should have let well enough alone.

 

As for not repeating the same mistake...go slow. With the next woman, find out as much as possible about her before you fall head over heels (the operative word here is FALL, which is every context except love, is usually seen as a dangerous and perhaps hurtful event). For instance, I wouldn't monkey around with someone who's been unfaithful in the past. Especially if the someone WORKS with the one they committed adultery with.

 

Secondly, if someone dumps you, or if you mutually end it, or whatever, beware returning. What begins ill, ends ill. There's no percentage in it. I have returned to men who have dumped me TWICE and I'll tell you, it never works. They're simply not people who have their s**t together and it's no use waiting for them to take care of it.

 

Finally, don't invest yourself so heavily so soon, and certainly don't make yourself some kind of manservant right off the bat. This is sure to make you feel resentful and used should things go awry. Remember, no one "owes" you gratitude for the things you do. Whatever you do should be done because you want to help someone or make a gesture of love. How they respond is a crap shoot. Certainly, in a loving and reciprocal relationship, your efforts will be appreciated and returned to you. But unfortunately, human beings being what they are, you never can tell when you're going to end up with a hatful of dog turds for your trouble. Take it easy on the chores, and remember to do something nice for YOU somewhere in all that cleaning and toting and fetching!

 

Looks like you reached into the barrel and came up with a rotten apple. You know how apples that are just starting to get brown and soft and mushy...but they have that tantalizing cider scent? Yeah. They smell great, but they're still rotten. It happens to most everyone, I guess. If you did anything wrong, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or, if you believe in karma, you were in the right place at the right time...to learn a valuable lesson.

[SMF]

KaiMahina-

 

How is everything going for you?

 

Still staying strong? I am.

[Kia]

Kia, hell she is already dating a man, she wasted not time with that. I have started to work out again and when I am where i want to be with a semi 6pack and arms close to Sly Stalone the gal who I end up with is going to be so proud, not only does she have a man who can clean well but also look good too. I have made myself a promise and this is what I will do to focus on myself.

 

I do hope all is well with you and yours!

 

Stringfellow

[KaiaMahina]

String, you've got it! She sure didn't let any grass grow under her feet, did she? Like my mother used to say when she was watching Marshall Dillon on Gunsmoke: "That's a real man!" You sound resolute now, and looking toward the day when a woman will appreciate a man making her feel special and realizing that you are a real man.

 

Hey, SMF! How you doin'?

 

Me? Yeah, I'm still standing firm. At the end of October, it'll be 4 months. The good news is that at least I've forgotten the exact date that it happened! The bad news is that, although I haven't made any contact with the ex, I've been in a serious slump over the last 4 weeks.

 

Dunno...I guess it's a combination of negative thought processes: (a) how could he leave me when he said he loved me so much, (b) he can't be hurting as badly as I am or he would contact me, © he's happier without me and maybe even professing undying love to another woman, (d) why can't I have a relationship that lasts longer than 10 months, what's wrong with me, (e) I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. And a lot of nostalgia, because I love autumn (and October in particular) and we were together this time last year, talking about marriage and having a great time together. And here I am, one year later, back in the same hole I was in before he came along...alone again. Probably lonelier because I had a short burst of happiness there for a while.

 

Funny thing, I went on antidepressants because of this whole situation, and am worse off than when I started them. I'm stopping. I don't care what anyone says. More and more, I simply don't believe in "chemical imbalances" and seritonin production. Baloney. Anybody in their right mind would be depressed in my situation, and it has nothing to do with chemicals! Personally, I feel that emotional issues are a more spiritual than physical problem, and that's usually the only way to deal with them. I mean, if you're hurt somewhere deep in your soul, naturally it poisons your emotions and then your body (hence, all the symptoms of depression).

 

So...I'm really just hanging in there by the skin of my teeth. The whole situation is ridiculous, and I'm resigned to the fact that I will have to suffer until it runs its course. It all just has to "wear off" like a hangover. If I were to meet someone else (and I mean someone SPECIAL, not just someone warm and breathing on a regular basis), that would probably effect a cure. I want badly to get over this idiot, because his insanity is infecting me and my entire life. I'm simply sick to death of going to therapy to deal with someone else's issues! He's the one who needs to be in a mental ward, not me.

 

What's up on your end, SMF?

[Stringfellow]

Kia, Will you please tell me the truth here, you have read my posts about the so called relationship that I was in and how I was treated. Do you feel that I was treated with love and understanding by her, did she treat me in a way that a woman should treat the man she loves.

 

With what I have written do you feel that I treated her with love and understanding, I feel that I went out of my way to show her I cared for her, would a normal woman be happy with what i did for her?

 

I am not sure why this is so hard to let go, maybe it is becasue I have never felt this way towards a woman in all my life. I tried so hard to show her that I would take care of her and her kids, not in a monitary way but in an emotional and physical way. Heck I can remember her nephew going off in a tantrum becasue the other kids in the family were making fun of him becasue of his speech problem, he was so mad that he was going to make his grandma take him home which was 180 miles away, we were celebrating July 4th at the farm. She was about to take him and I pulled him aside and sat him down and calmed him down and told him to just let it roll off of his back. When we were done talking he was Ok for the rest of the weekend. He told my X that I treated him so nice that I was like Dr. Phil to him and he thanked me. But my X nor his grandma thanked me.

 

I gave so much to the relationship, always thinking of her, never myself, I kept thinking if I would do this she will be happy with me, if i did that I would be showing her what she meant to me.

 

When all was said and done I feel now that I really did not mean anything to her, why you may ask, becasue it was so easy for her to let it all go and to not speak with me again.

 

We had little scraps about once a month, but never a major blow up. The scraps would last for maybe 3-4 mins and they were over. Then when she hit me with I love you but now(after being with each other daily) I only want to see you on the weekends, I felt so hurt, why, becasue I felt that if she loved me that she would want me to be with her, I guess you can love someone and not care if you see them or not except on the weekends. Not my idea of love, for when I love a woman and I can be at her place in a one hour commute then I am going to do just that.

 

So tell me Kia, what do you really think of this woman and her actions?

 

Stringfellow

[SMF]

It is quite natural what you are feelign kaimahina. In fact I wonder the same questions that you have posed. Your strength is so admirable that you did not ever call him. Do you think you will ever contact him? I don't think its a good idea.... Did you by any chance get the book "He is just not that into you?" its interesting tid bits from a guys point of view..

 

It will be 3 months on the 14th since my ex and I have broken up.. Remember day one Kaimahina? We are so much better than we are now and you know the autumn weather makes me miss my ex as well. The change of season is making me quite sad time to time as well.

 

I keep saying to myself that I miss certain things about him and so many things remind me of him- but then I think back and i say - this person did this to me. he chose to be without me and continues to do so- so what does that say about his feelings towards me. Not much. i mean for me to pine over him bc i miss walking around with him during the chilly weather- well he was with me- he remembers i am sure - and my phone ain't ringing and my email ain't dinging with his words of i miss you. so i just choose to let it go.

 

It really does suck from time to time. i really miss him.. but its funny- when i say that out loud for instance to my dad- he gets repulsed that i even say that. like why in the world would i want someone back that has hurt me so much. no idea. i am not a glutton for punishment so no clue as to why i want to reach out to him.

 

BUT i have been dating. My ex from college ironically enough wants to get back together. I told him about my recent ex and the break up and told him that i am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and its not healhty to pop from one relationship to another. you never fully heal.

 

hang in there... have you been dating? have you been going out with friends?