nomosunshine Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 Don't know where to begin..........my husband cheated. I had felt it for some time so needless to say our marriage was a little strained at times. Finally on June 4th, the truth came out when I caught a phone conversation from the other woman. She lives in the US and we live in Canada. My husband met her on vacation and has met with her on a couple of occasions since February. I know that he has been in contact with her by phone.........lots of times! I won't go into the details of all the signs that came to light over the very recent past, but you should know that my older daughter had suspected the same thing and did her own private detective work. Now our three children know, as well as family and a few friends. The thing is, he says he is suffering from depression, so when he went to the doctor they gave him depression pills and sleeping pills and then sent him to a psychiatrist. He says he told the doctor about his infidelity and how he feels guilty and embarrassed, but really not remorseful for doing it. He says he liked it. When I ask if he wants to be with the other woman, he says he can't because of the distance.......not that he wants to stay with me. He claims he is sick and hasn't any feelings for anything. He is not interested in doing things around the house and has lost all interest in family, house and me. But, he says he does not hate or dislike me, he claims I have to love him and show him that I want to be with him........because that is why he went to someone else. I can honestly say that I had not been paying alot of attention to him, but the same is for him. We are both guilty of that. I have always been the one to try and fix our home life, suggesting he spend more time with me and the kids. Of course this would cause a fight. He felt that he was bringing in the money and that was all he was good for, although this is the life HE CHOSE! He would always replace his time that he had not spent with us, with money or restaurants. I have been the one with the household responsibilities, children sporting events, working, etc. I have tried to let him know how I feel.....his golf came first, friends second, children third and me fourth. I have even suggested that his priorities are F____. At first when I discovered his infidelity, there was alot of anger, hurt and crying, although I still cry almost every day, because I think he "just doesn't get it!" He was sleeping on the couch at first, but felt that he could come back to our bed. This I allowed because I truly would love to reconcile but he is making it soooo difficult. One day he is decent and the next day he speaks to me with such anger in his voice. He continually tells me how sick he is.....Well, what about me??? I am sick too! He expects me to have semi-sex with him, because that is how he will begin to feel better about us. He wants me to put my arms around him to let him know I love him. Isn't he suppose to be the one to try to repair this relationship???? I didn't cheat!!!I know that this is so totally wrong. He is trying to blame me and the children for what he has done. He says I don't cook, they don't do their chores, and he is not accepting any responsibility for what he has done. He is trying to justify what he has done by what we have not done. I guess he feels I should just get over it. This morning was the kicker. He was angry because I was not touching him... I told him that he should be the one trying to regain my trust first by being honest with me, calling me during the day, being a little humble, talking to me with a little respect rather than anger, maybe hold my hands and say nice things, try to have some alone time together. He says he won't be doing that! I have suggested that he leave and he has even suggested that he leave, but he hasn't yet. I told him to go and find himself. I have also told him that I need time to heal and that 1 month is not going to be enough at this stage. He is so flip with his comments back to me, so cold, and although he claims he is no longer talking to this woman (she was angry when he told her he was still with his wife, because he lied to her.....supposedly she was very angry and called him names and said she didn't want to speak to him anymore.....so he says) it just feels like he could still be talking to her. He has told me that he is not or has not since the blow up. By the way, this is not his first encounter with another woman......although he claims the other time was just for oral pleasure. I don't know how many more...if at all..... As I type this, I know the answer many would give me...but there has to be some hope...somehow. I thought I would be married to this man forever. We have been together for 33 years and married 29 years this August. It should be worth salvaging. Any Dr. Phil's willing to help me???? I need to be happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 Why aren't the two of you going to counseling together? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 Olivia is right.. You need counciling. He was hurt by not getting attention from you, but didn't communicate that with you. He kept it in. Sex to a guy, especially to ones that don't communicate well is a way for them to talk. It's just not about getting off. When a guy gets rejected to sex from his spouse, alot of guys feel rejected & disappointed. Like something is wrong with them. Women in general think men think of sex as just physical pleasure. That's not always the case. You both are hurt and blaming each other on who should be hurt the worse isn't going to make things better. You both need to address the issues of each other. Counciling will help this come about. Don't keep doing or saying the same things over & over and expect different results. It doesn't work that way. There are ways to repair the damage that is done as long as you are both willing to do this. It won't be easy, and through counciling you'll find out so much more about each other. Things that you'll end up saying to yourself 'Wow, I never knew he/she felt that way'. Find one who is certified in Marriage counciling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nomosunshine Posted July 1, 2004 Author Share Posted July 1, 2004 I have suggested counselling.... at first he agreed, but know he says he has to get better first. He claims that he doesn't believe in counsellors, that they are not going to tell him anything new. I think he is afraid that someone may tell him that he has neglected the family and he needs to make some changes.....I am far from perfect but I know that I (we) need some help. We are both at fault. Link to post Share on other sites
SadDiamond Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 I am a mother of one and I know of many occasions where my so-called"Husband" cheated on me with several different women. I even caught an infection while I was pregnant with my child who is now older but still school aged. I know that that kind of infection(which thank God was cureable) was proof enough but, like an idiot, I stayed because our child and I did not want to grow up in a broken home. I want to leave him and get a divorce but I am scared of being on my own and I do not know of any programs that will help benefit my child and I as far as child care and apartment searching and financial assistance...please can anyone help me get the courage to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 If you want to leave, contact Domestic Relations at your local county. I'm not sure where you are from, but in PA there is a program called 'Women in Transitition' which will help you. When you call them, ask them if there are any programs that fit your needs. If you have any family, they can possibily help you as well. Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
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