Boyfriends ultimatum: no more friends with exes

[sally4sara]

She is a clean slate to him. This relationship should be the clean slate for him. He is the one not wanting someone bringing baggage but if this is all over some bad situation in some past relationship of his than he is the one bringing in the baggage.

[nofool4u]

Again, it would be nice as to clarification of the nature of these friendships.

 

JPhine, are these exes guys you hang out with, or simply are courteous to when you happen to bump into them?

[pteromom]

Not sure of the nature of the "friendship" between OP and her exes, but what would you say if that nature took the shape of a man you are in a relationship with having an X as a friend, and they go out quite a bit and do things together....without you...alone.

 

I mean afterall, they are friends, right? It shouldn't be a problem. You see where I'm going with this.

 

Depends on the nature of the friendship. I am "friends" with a few X's in the sense that I'm civil, talk to them if I ever see them, but I don't and would never hang out with them.

 

No, it's not a problem.

 

I go out for an occasional lunch with an ex who is a good friend. Alone. And there is absolutely NO interest there beyond friendship for me. Is it possible there is for my ex? Sure - he could secretly be in love with me. But it doesn't matter, because I don't feel that way for him, and nothing would be happening due to my feelings.

 

Now, if a guy was friends with an ex, and ONLY sees her alone, and refused to let his current gf become friends with her, then sure - that's a red flag.

 

If they are truly just friends, there is nothing to hide.

[dasein]

My best friend and wife allow each other contact with distant exes. Even though there has been nothing for years, the single ones still send my friend naked pictures regularly and flirt with him. If his wife knew, doubt she'd be as cool with distant exes.

 

Your BF is being a bit unreasonable, but not tyrannically so. In your shoes, would pick your battles and terminate with the distant exes unless they are really close, true friends. A possible alternative is getting together with them and their families, showing your BF that they are willing to be friends of the relationship. If -that- sounds weird or uncomfortable, then your BF is 100% correct, they should be gone. Otherwise, if you feel strongly about this, consider getting them and your BF together.

[nofool4u]

No, it's not a problem.

 

I go out for an occasional lunch with an ex who is a good friend. Alone. And there is absolutely NO interest there beyond friendship for me. Is it possible there is for my ex? Sure - he could secretly be in love with me. But it doesn't matter, because I don't feel that way for him, and nothing would be happening due to my feelings.

 

Now, if a guy was friends with an ex, and ONLY sees her alone, and refused to let his current gf become friends with her, then sure - that's a red flag.

 

Hmm, but you are spending time alone with an X. Not sure of your relationship status, as in if you have a bf or are married, but this is the same thing you are doing, no?

 

 

If they are truly just friends, there is nothing to hide.

 

Are you in a R? If so, do you invite him to these lunches with your X?

[Babolat]

To the original poster, your new partner is exhibiting signs of insecurity and jealousy, which can lead to emotional and maybe physical abuse in the future. Be careful.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree that he is being insecure, but he may have reason to be.

 

The fact that your exes are married has no bearing, because many people cheat. When bored married men are looking to start an affair, it is easy to groom an ex because of the familiarity, especially if there has been continuing contact for all these years. It is a slippery slope from friendship, to complaining about your spouses, to saying you miss each other... before you know it you're meeting up in a hotel on your lunch break.

 

My husband and I aren't friends with exes, and we don't have close friends of the opposite sex. It may seem controlling to some, but to us it is just keeping proper boundaries and is protecting our marriage.

 

Long term relationships have many ups and downs. If you keep close friends of the opposite sex, the down times can get tricky. If you have easily accessible male friends, I can understand why your boyfriend would be concerned. One argument, and you could be venting your business to your "friends", instead of communicating & resolving things with your boyfriend. Read the OW or the Infidelity board, there are so many stories where people say "I never thought I was capable of this", "It just happened", "We were just friends and then we caught feelings", "He listened to me when my BF was too busy".

 

Many cheaters felt that they were trustworthy and that their partners had nothing to worry about. But close contact & being comfortable with a person can cause those attraction chemicals to stir, which puts you in the position of having to avoid temptation. It's much easier to just keep yourself out of those situations, IMO.

 

I would try to determine what is more important to you, your boyfriend, or these exes. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to be with him long term, give them up. Think of this request as your boyfriend putting up a fence around your relationship, protecting it from outsiders. I understand that you are not married, and this may be too much for you at this stage of your relationship.

 

I can see why you would see it as controlling, but I don't think it is reason for alarm. I would agree that it's a red flag if he is also telling you where you can & can't go, checking your emails, picking your wardrobe, micromanaging your life, etc., but I don't think it's unreasonable for a man to want his woman to himself, without interference from her exes. I understand that you may not see it as interference, but he is seeing it that way because these are two men that you have had sexual relationships with. He knows that many men keep their exes on a string under the guise of friendship.

 

Your man is telling you that this makes him uncomfortable. Discounting or minimizing his feelings about this will make him think that you are protecting your friendships with these men, over your relationship with him.

[freestyle]

I agree that he is being insecure, but he may have reason to be.

 

The fact that your exes are married has no bearing, because many people cheat. When bored married men are looking to start an affair, it is easy to groom an ex because of the familiarity, especially if there has been continuing contact for all these years. It is a slippery slope from friendship, to complaining about your spouses, to saying you miss each other... before you know it you're meeting up in a hotel on your lunch break.

 

My husband and I aren't friends with exes, and we don't have close friends of the opposite sex. It may seem controlling to some, but to us it is just keeping proper boundaries and is protecting our marriage.

 

Long term relationships have many ups and downs. If you keep close friends of the opposite sex, the down times can get tricky. If you have easily accessible male friends, I can understand why your boyfriend would be concerned. One argument, and you could be venting your business to your "friends", instead of communicating & resolving things with your boyfriend. Read the OW or the Infidelity board, there are so many stories where people say "I never thought I was capable of this", "It just happened", "We were just friends and then we caught feelings", "He listened to me when my BF was too busy".

 

Many cheaters felt that they were trustworthy and that their partners had nothing to worry about. But close contact & being comfortable with a person can cause those attraction chemicals to stir, which puts you in the position of having to avoid temptation. It's much easier to just keep yourself out of those situations, IMO.

 

I would try to determine what is more important to you, your boyfriend, or these exes. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to be with him long term, give them up. Think of this request as your boyfriend putting up a fence around your relationship, protecting it from outsiders. I understand that you are not married, and this may be too much for you at this stage of your relationship.

 

I can see why you would see it as controlling, but I don't think it is reason for alarm. I would agree that it's a red flag if he is also telling you where you can & can't go, checking your emails, picking your wardrobe, micromanaging your life, etc., but I don't think it's unreasonable for a man to want his woman to himself, without interference from her exes. I understand that you may not see it as interference, but he is seeing it that way because these are two men that you have had sexual relationships with. He knows that many men keep their exes on a string under the guise of friendship.

 

Your man is telling you that this makes him uncomfortable. Discounting or minimizing his feelings about this will make him think that you are protecting your friendships with these men, over your relationship with him.

 

 

Excellent post, QS. I think you nailed it.

 

I've notices that there's often a knee-jerk response to label a person a being a "control-freak", or "insecure" ---simply because they want to protect their relationship.

 

I think a certain amount of jealousy is normal--it indicates a desire to preserve the relationship. It only becomes problematic, when it heads into the irrational end of the spectrum. There's a BIG difference between rational jealousy, and IRrational jealousy.