Talking about his ex-wife

[Grainhusk]

Hi, I need your advice and insights about a situation I feel very confused.

 

I have dated this guy for almost a year, and both of us are serious. We have talked about marriage and kids that kinds of staff. However, recently he started talking about his ex-wife, how he and her had happy times whenever our topics were related to the experiences of he and his ex had.

 

To be honest, I did not care at first, but now I felt angry. Yesterday night I had a dream about my dad betrayed my mom, in the dream I felt I am the one whom he betrayed. the rage is what I remember in the dream

 

so what do you think? should I be concerned? is that normal? and how do you deal with your partner talking about their partners and their good times?

 

thanks

[Philosoraptor]

Well it was a big part of his life so it's bound to come up. I'd personally be more worried if he was constantly hounding his ex.

 

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel?

[Grainhusk]

No, I have not yet.

 

I was planning to bring up my ex boyfriend and the happy time we had, so he will know what it tastes like. or tell him that I wish I can create a time machine so I can send him back to his happy hours. Good or bad idea?

 

or I withdraw. actually I am not sure how should I TALK this with him. i am not good at communicate these things, it makes me look like so vulnerable and weak, as if he is in control of my peacefulness

[Philosoraptor]

Horrible idea. That would just be playing a game. Rather than trying to "give him a taste" you should open up to him.

 

You needn't feel weak for being able to talk to someone you care about, but strong by being able to let them into your world.

[BetrayedH]

Horrible idea. That would just be playing a game. Rather than trying to "give him a taste" you should open up to him.

 

You needn't feel weak for being able to talk to someone you care about, but strong by being able to let them into your world.

 

I agree. It doesn't need to be an accusatory conversation. You can say, "Hey, you know the other day when you mention your ex, it kinda made me feel like you wish you were still with her. I don't think you meant it that way but I thought I should let you know that it didn't make me feel very good so we can work through it."

 

Giving him a taste of his own medicine is only going to be a negative in your relationship. Doesn't sound like something loving partners do.

 

But you do need to address it. Don't let it build into unresolved resentment (you're already getting there) because that will come out and as hard as you are working to control yourself now, that reaction later will be much less controlled and probably one that you'll regret. People in successful long-term relationships know that conflict avoidance doesn't work and so they tackle things when they are small. If you do it in a respectful but direct way, I think you'll get a better result than avoiding it or by doing some passive-aggressive thing like bringing up your own ex.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

No, I have not yet.

 

I was planning to bring up my ex boyfriend and the happy time we had, so he will know what it tastes like. or tell him that I wish I can create a time machine so I can send him back to his happy hours. Good or bad idea?

 

or I withdraw. actually I am not sure how should I TALK this with him. i am not good at communicate these things, it makes me look like so vulnerable and weak, as if he is in control of my peacefulness

 

Don't play that tit for tat game. Just be honest and tell him that it hurts you to hear his experiences with his ex wife, that he needs to be more considerate of your feelings. Instead of 'tit for tat' ask him how he would feel if you kept bringing up your ex and remembering such fond memories.