i appear selfish and lazy but am scared inside

[mandy may]

i have known this about myself nw for quite a long time but sometimes things come up and i am really reminded of how i am.

i do not mean to be so selfish or lazy or what ever the word may be that escapes me but for some reason i am just so uncomfortable

helping others or doing for others little favors they may ask of me, so i appear aloof and selfish and lazy.

i wish i could break this habit but this is the way i have been all my life, just avoiding things and people that want help from me.

i am feeling really bad about this right now because i was at my boyfriends work with our puppies and his grand mother was there too

and she asked if someone could take her home.

 

i said i had a dr.s appt. which i did and then the puppies peed and one pooped on the carpet so i cleaned it up and hurried out of there

extremely quickly because he knew i still had an hour before my appt.

so he called my cell (i did not answer it) and wanted to know why i did not take her home since i had an hour yet. now i feel so ashamed

of myself and so selfish for not taking a little ole lady home.

 

i keep hearing in my head what a lousy person i am for leaving an old lady to sit there till someone can take her home. i just feel so awful.

if i went back and did it it would be totally out of guilt though and i do not know if that counts for anything. i know of others who would be

totally compassionate to take her home and do so right away. i'm so stuck in my head that i can't seem to get out of it to help others. i do not

mind doing some favors like borrowing my car out, stopping off somewhere on my way home or somewhere, or small things like that but for

the most part i just can't seem to do it!

 

i am very shy and reserved and that may have something to do with it, i am very self conscious about things and so stuck in my head too and that

does not help anything either. i'm at such a loss and i keep thinking of her sitting there and the shame is getting to me something awful now i really do not

have time to run back and get her because i have to be at the clinic here in 25 minutes, and even if i did i would sit here and hesitate for so long hoping

someone else did the job instead. is there a name besides chicken for someone like me? i feel like a user too cause i went to pick up his car so a friend

could use mine and i just took off with his when he helped me and i should of helped him back by taking her home. shame shame shame on me.

[Kate]

so tell me what actually does through your head then (it's ok, everyone has their issues!). are you afraid that you will be taken advantage of? what do you feel? do you feel corner or suffocated when people need you? what are your personal relationships like? do you pull away from your boyfriend emotionally? are you very self-reliant? do you have a poor relationship with your parents or have you always had to fend for yourself?? let me know, i think i can help you think this through...

[mandy may]

lets see where to start here, lol. lots of questions but ver few answers for you to work with but i will try if you think you can help me.

i think the instant i am asked for some help i feel panic and trapped. this feeling is very hard to explain away though, you know?

i do not ask for help from anybody and i feel totally uncomfortable when someone offers it to me, but i do take it but i feel that i am

really inconveiencing (sp) the person so i do not like to take help from others too.

 

i use to be much more self reliant and independent but some illnesses came along and took that away from me but now all this other

anxiety stuff is really taking a toll on me too. at my dr.s appt. today he blamed on my anxiety issues on menopause of all things!

i am in menopause and i have been for four years now and it seems at times it is worse then others, so maybe it is menopause related

i really do not know.

 

he gave me a prescription for paxil or lexapro, which ever is cheaper so i will take care of that tomorrow and try one of the other and i am up

for suggestions on either if anyone reads this and has any suggestions on them two drugs.

 

my relationship with my mother was horrible when i was young, i was a very rebelious young girl, had two babies by age 18 and always ran

away from home since i hated being there and told what to do and what not to do and my siblings faught with me constantly. i always felt in

the way of everybody because i was always yelled at by them and really no one seemed to like me much at home except my mom.

 

alright i'm gushing now, i'm trying to stay here on track with your questionis. alot of times in my relationships i would cause problems to end them.

i still do in a way i think but more unconsciously these days, well back then too, so maybe not much has changed there. i do know when i am acting

very insecure when my boyfriend has a job with a pretty woman, i feel so threatened by her, not so much her looks but maybe her stature, and i basically have none.

 

maybe this is too long but i can go on for hours with all this. so any ideas i am totally up for them!

begging for them actually!

[moimeme]

he blamed on my anxiety issues on menopause of all things!

i am in menopause and i have been for four years now and it seems at times it is worse then others, so maybe it is menopause related

 

Oh dear! Poor you. Yes, menopause can really mess with your head while it's doing its thing on your body. I hope the meds give you some relief because it must be no fun to have so many anxieties.

[mandy may]

poor you, what a funny sounding statement almost made me cry really.

i feel that so many times but try not to feel sorry for myself though it is

really hard not to.

are you old enough to be in menopause? or perimenopause. you know

when i get the worst of the anxiety is when i am hungry!!! go figure huh?

when i get hungry i get such horrible anxiety but have no hypoglycemic at all

just all the symptoms.

 

have you ever tried paxil or lexapro? i should maybe start a post an ask

what do you think? i do not want so many posts out there though.

thank you for the support, it is deeply appreciated.

[Kate]

good luck with the meds, I hope they hep to solve the symptom of your problem, which is anxiety. obviously there are probably a few reasons for your anxiety.

 

i think maybe a group therapy would help you out? do whatever you can to look into it. i understand the horrible relationship or lack thereof with a mom -- i have the same, and it does something to you that, unless you start learning how to deal, can assist in negatively affecting your life. i think that when pepole offer help, or need help from someone, it entails a feeling of connection and closeness...now this can be going food shopping with someone, helping them with a small chore, checking the time or weather...there are all different sizes and scales of favor-doing or extension of ones' self. i think that maybe for you, with your history with your mom (and i can only say this related to my situation, just my opinion) that feeling needed or needing -- being close to others, friends or strangers, -- can be an uncomfortable feeling for you, as you couldn't even be close with your mom.

 

you are not selfish or you would have no remorse or thought process regarding your issues. you wouldn't be here seeking advice, so get that out of your head. my mom did a great job at making me feel a burden and i still suffer from guilt...and don't know why. today, i have trouble in interpersonal relationships...i have a very hard time asking someone to do something, and deep down i'm afraid to because i feel inferior. when i finally do get close to them, the threat of htem not being there is just so huge. as far as doing things for others, i am actually the opposite from you -- i do toooo much. i guess these are two different extremes. i think that it just makes it hard to know if you are doing the right thing or not because you didn't develop a healthy interpretatoin of such.

 

in the meantime, don't worry about others so much, you need all of your energy for yourself, esp. if you are going through menopause. go one day at a time, and feel good about yourself for that. you are normal, everyone has their deficiencies. try to get over your fear of being close to others (if in fact you are) based on normal human interaction like doing favors and recieving them.

 

did i touch on anything remotely true??

[moimeme]

are you old enough to be in menopause?

 

No, thank heavens! I'm hoping the treatments will get a lot better by the time I get there!!

I've been informing myself about it, though, to be prepared.

 

or perimenopause.

 

Headed that way if not there.

 

you know when i get the worst of the anxiety is when i am hungry!!! go figure huh?

 

Absolutely! Being hungry affects all your chemistry! Watch others sometimes; lots of people get a lot grouchier when they're hungry. Makes sense - the very primitive part of us probably makes us more hostile or anxious so we'll go kill a brontosaurus and have some food

 

when i get hungry i get such horrible anxiety but have no hypoglycemic at all just all the symptoms.

 

I get stupid, then cranky, and, if I go too long (like 8 hrs or more) without eating, I'll get real depressed and get a bad headache. I'm not hypo either, but it seems I'm sensitive to sugar levels.

 

have you ever tried paxil or lexapro?

 

I am lucky enough to so far (knock on wood) not have needed meds. If I ever do, I'll take 'em, though. Several people on LS are or have been on meds, though.

[mandy may]

kate, yes you DID hit on some things such as being close to others feels strange and uncomfortable, that is a good way to put it!

not to dwell again in my past, but i think too that because i was the youngest of seven i was really the scape goat. i think i never really

learned any socialization skills either, so that may add to it.

this also makes alot of sense: "

i think that when pepole offer help, or need help from someone, it entails a feeling of connection and closeness". i think alot of anxiety can come from that alone!

thanks so much kate for your speculation and i will give it alot of thought next time i am asked to do a favor for someone, but luckily it is not very often since

most people that know me, know i will run away from them in some form or another so i am rarely asked anymore.

 

moimeme, you said you can go 8 hours without eating!!!???? you are soooo lucky then! the hunger anixety i am talking about comes within a couple hours or few hours after i eat. i have tried high protein, low carbs, low fat, sugar less, ect....the low carb worked the best when i got hungry it did not hit as hard but still did hit hard.

 

see when i start to feel the stirrings of hunger, almost immediately it is followed by a funny walking gait, an intense need for food! such awful anxiety it is that i want to cry and thrash about to get it out of my body! now is this a normal reaction to being hungry? i tell ya, this is insane! not normal what so ever! and my dr. wants to blame it on menopause???

 

i am having a very hard time accepting that as the soul reason, wouldn't you? anyway before i dismiss it TOTALLY though i will give the meds a try for a while and if they do not help then i will just scream and cry and have a tantrum till he finds out why why why! this anxiety is mainly manifested when i get hungry and i get hungry quite frequently and am gaining more and more weight!

 

i can live with some weight gain if it means no anxiety. i know the paxil can cause weight gain so am hesitant about that too.

i will have to at least give it a try so i can get my life back!

thanks to both you and kate for the help.

[ladyangel]

ziggy...I mean Mandy - Have you talked to your doctor about anti-anxiety meds? You mentioned numerous times that you have anxiety, so it seems to me that anti-anxiety medication would help you. Also, I agree with one of the previous posters that recommended group therapy. Or at the very least, individual counseling. I know you've had that suggested to you many times in the past, but I'm wondering if you've taken that advice.

[mandy may]

yes i did read about the group therapy and i was thinking about that because because i think it may be helpful with somethings going on here.

i hope you find 'ziggy" as i have only had that mentioned tonight in this post.

[msrealdoll]

Mandy, please do some reading on Paxil before you decide to take it. It causes terrible withdrawal symptoms when you get off of it. I wouldn't warn you, but they're so awful some people choose not to get off of it. Just Google 'Paxil withdrawal'.

 

I take Lexapro. This is the 2nd time I've been on it. No problem with withdrawal. It has really taken the edge off of my anxiety. I like it.

 

As for not wanting to do things for people-not everyone that does things for people feels wonderful doing it. Sometimes it just feels like a chore. So don't feel bad if you're thinking you're supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy when you do things for people. Sometimes I do, if I do something really great, or if it's for animals. But most times, it's just something else I have to get done.

[mandy may]

my dr. gave me a prescription for lexapro and paxil and said i could decide which one i could afford. i thought paxil was great for anxiety so i was opting for that but not certain just yet. what dose of lexapro are you on if you do not mind my asking and how long did it take to help with anxiety and how long have you been on it now? i have read that lexapro can cause memory lapses so i was worried about that.

[lydiamarie]

i think that the drug celexa is just like lexapro without the side effects (or fewer nasty side effects and much lower incidence of any). did you talk to your doctor about that drug? (i don't know if they have a generic version of it)

[moimeme]

such awful anxiety it is that i want to cry and thrash about to get it out of my body! now is this a normal reaction to being hungry? i tell ya, this is insane! not normal what so ever! and my dr. wants to blame it on menopause???

 

It is a little extreme, but are you saying this is new since the menopause?

[mandy may]

i have had it off and on for about four years now and it has been gone for quite some time then just decided to come back to visit me i guess. i have been reading alot about reactie hypoglycemia and i seem to fit the criteria. though i do eat pretty healthy and stay away from sugars and high carb foods and high fat foods, it is worth another try to see if it helps anything. tomorrow i am going to try to eat low carb stuff to see if it does anything since the anxiety has been stead every day for a while now again. funny thing is that in the early evening it seems to settle down quite abit.

[msrealdoll]

I take 10mg of Lexapro. It took about 5-7 days of taking it before I started feeling like myself again. I started out taking 5mg per day, then upped it to 10mg after a week. I have a lot more energy, am sleeping better and don't have those flashes of anxiety.

 

I haven't noticed any side effects from it yet. My libido may be a bit decreased, but nothing major. I took Zoloft for a few years a long time ago, and I had NO desire for sex, and couldn't orgasm to save my life. Yucko!

[mandy may]

msrealdol, thank you for sharing that with me. my only real worry was it says it can cause memory lapses. with being in menopause anyways i basically have not sex drive and my memory is already so shot that someone has to tell me the same thing about ten times before it sinks in and i have to always make notes of things or i forget. and they say this is part of menopause, no thanks i wish i was a man then, lol. i think i like the sound of the lexapro much better though the paxil seems to offer more since it is also for socail anxiety, GAD, PTSD, OCD, not that i have any of them, but i think all produce anxiety and the more anxiety protection i can get the better!

 

today i am going to try a different eating regiem and see if it helps anything with all this. again thank you for your help.

[mandy may]

my father in law for simplicity called us this evening and said that his mom, my boyfriends grand mother was very ill this a.m. and was going to have to go into a nursing home for the weekend. she has strokes but has not had one for quite some time now. they do not think that is what happened but that maybe some kind of infection.

 

so we took her to the nursing home this evening and she looks just awful, sunken cheeks, no energy, extremely weak, somewhat disoriented for a whle but got better after we talked to her some, no appetite either and this woman loves to eat! she is only about 4'11 and 89 pounds and has 1/3 her stomach so can't eat a whole lot but when she does not want to eat AT ALL it is serious!

 

anyway, i tried to make it up to her, helped her with everything that i could at the nursing home, i tried to make her comfortable. i feel so bad now, worse then before, picturing her sitting there at that table asking for someone to take her home then somewhat sneaking out under the guise of getitng the puppies out of there, and i feel such shame now.

 

if she is okay and goes home, i have to make it up to her somehow. more so for my own sense of shame and guilt, so does that make it wrong to do it out of them reasons, or does it really matter?

 

i am going to start taking some magensium to see if it helps the anxiety situation.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by mandy may

yes i did read about the group therapy and i was thinking about that because because i think it may be helpful with somethings going on here.

i hope you find 'ziggy" as i have only had that mentioned tonight in this post.

Sorry, my mistake...zingy.