The Struggle....

[NotaBadGuy]

Okay, here goes...

 

I've been on LS many times since last October. I posted several times along the way. I have not been posting recently due to outside duties, but have been looking on here to see what was being posted.

 

To make a long story short, I've been married 2x. I can honestly say the 1st one should have never happened for a variety of reasons - so I wanted to make the next one the last. I met a girl and dated on and off for approx 2 yrs. We were married in the Spring of last year. We both were in school and worked, but both knew this prior to getting married.

 

Well, in the fall of last year she begins to go out with a classmates wife. Soon after, I began noticing signs that something was not all so right. She pulled away, mysterious phone calls, not answering my calls, late nights, and finally catching her at another guy's house 2x in the middle of the night. But he was just a friend -of course.

 

Well, at this point she packs up and leaves saying she never loved me, the whole thing was a big mistake and so on. Two weeks later, I get divorce papers in the mail. Fast forward to Feb. and the divorce is final. I pled and begged for her to work things out but unsucessfully.

 

In the mean time, while all of this is going on, this other guy is in the picture. I have heard from her 3x since she left, 2x at the begginging to see if I was going to not fight the divorce, and once more recently to tell me she was reminded of our wedding, that she was thinking about it lately, and that there were a lot of people who said it would not last. Two weeks after that, she talks with one of my good friends wife who she could never stand and made small talk with her about how things might have turned out different had the classmates wife not been involved.

 

So now, the reason for my post. It has now been approximatly 7 months or so and I cannot beat this thing. I battle everyday to not be reminded of the betrayal. I am still in a sort of shock I guess. I was so sure that this would never happen to me again and it did. My self worth and confidence are shot. I am just flat out struggling. Some around me see it but most do not. I seek refuge in my words because they can only show so much of what is hidden beneath the surface.

 

I know my situation is not uncommon, and I for sure thought I would be well on my way to the road to recovery, but I am so far from there at this point. I mask the pain and the hurt from those around me. I move from one day to the next like a vagabond in the night.

 

I want to be out of this mess so bad it does not make any sense. But I feel as if I am chasing my tail and not progessing. It is not for a lack of effort either. I just graduated with a Masters degree in May, was involved in everything school-wise you could think of, worked 2 jobs, and went to the gym as often as possible. Still, I sit back and struggle with the reality of things.

 

I deserved so much better than to be done that way, but I was for some reason. I am not a selfish person. I am very well respected and admired by those around me. I am not perfect. I am very humble. I never once thought about cheating on any woman. I guess I just cannot figure out what is going on. Maybe someone can give me some sort of insight. I am a fighter and will not give up, but dagumit, enough is enough.

 

Thanks for listening if you have made it this far.

 

NotaBadGuy

[StartingAgain]

My friend, read your own post one more time. This isn't about you and your self worth. This is about your ex being a cheating bitch. You sound as if you are mad at yourself because she betrayed you. All of us who have been betrayed feel this way and our betrayers set it up that way. You say ou mask the pain from those around you. I hear you; I have to put on the brave face at work and make it seem that it doesn't make any difference to me that my wife spent I don't know how much time f'ing another man and then tried to make it seem like I was the one with the problem. But You have to have someone with whom you may express your grief, your outrage and your rightful indignation. If you don't have a friend you can go to for this, please get into therapy before you are too scarred.

 

And, don't beat yourself up too much. It's only been seven months and you may need just a bit more time. You write that you are tired of feeling this way. You know what? That means that you are about to STOP feeling this way. It's a good sign, NotaBadGuy. You just finished a master's degree (congratulations). You are a smart man. You can beat this. You know you can.

 

You're damned right you deserve better than this! You're right; enough is enough. Now let's go get a beer and talk trash to the pretty ones.

[moimeme]

I know it's said often here, but if this is becoming unbearable, maybe it's time to see a counsellor. Sometimes we get so buried in our own issue we cannot see a clear path ahead out of it. Counsellors provide different perspectives, fresh ways of looking at things, and strategies to get unstuck.

[NotaBadGuy]

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to post. I have just been frustrated with the lack of recovery speed. I know where I am yet find myself lost from time to time. I know who ultimately lost in the long run. Its just making it out of the tailspin.

 

Looking back at what I wrote, maybe I am mad at myself for her betraying me. It does not make sense except to the point that maybe I try to rationalize it by telling myself that I could have done something different or better. There is no justification for what went down. None whatsoever. I see I have been blaming myself and I really need to get over that. I did nothing wrong to be sent the angel of deceit and betrayal. I am going to move on. I guess it just won't be as soon as I imagined. But I will eventually get there. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I needed it. Lesson learned. One day at a time.

 

NotaBadGuy

[sportsloving]

Hello Not a bad guy~

 

I am this side of 35 and have been married and divorced twice. It really does take some time to get back to feeling as yourself. The first divorce isn't easy to get over, but given any number of reasons, it is easier to get over than a second one. The second threw me for a loop for a bit of time ... but I started talking to a counselor about it and realized that I could have stayed in the relationship/marriage, but I would be emotionally far worse off than I was to deal with the feeling of failing at marriage, not once but twice.

 

I am sure there were things that I could have done differently, things I shouldn't have said or nagged about ... just as I am positive in either marriage my ex should have done things differently, given more respect. It does take two to make a marriage work ... it isn't all your responsibility.

 

Take time to deal with your feelings. Don't jump into a new relationship until you feel as yourself again. Talk to a good friend, a priest, a counselor. Do things for yourself that you couldn't/wouldn't do while married. I spent the first couple of months just going to movies, out to dinner, ball games, watching sports or listening to the stereo at full blast ... all things either he didn't want to do, didn't like or would whine about. I shut my computer off for six months because he was always online and it drove me nuts. I played outside with my daughters, I took walks, learned to cook some new foods (poor kids were test subjects). And I read, a lot.

 

It does get better. I promise. And who knows, they say that third time is a charm Not sure if I will ever test that out or not, but it's a nice thought.

 

Good luck to you