I feel like I'm turning into a NAG!! Married ladies, can you relate?

[moimeme]

if in fact he has AD/HD. But then that means that most men suffer from the damned disorder!

 

ROTFL! Remember that it's estimated that between 3-6% of all people have it. That's a LOT of folks!!

 

To me, that sounds like it's becoming a significant problem

 

However, they have yet to try problem-solving together. SHE is telling HIM what to do. Letting him be part of figuring out how to fix it is the beginning of ending the 'mothering' . He's come up with an idea for the trash. Now she'll have to see if it works. If it doesn't , another round of problem-solving. It is three chores, not his whole life so I'd not rush off to a diagnosis just yet - it's pretty expensive and they may yet be able to fix this.

 

The trash - how hard is it to see that it needs taken out?

 

Cat box: We only have one bathroom, so when I have to smell it, doesn't he smell it? He should know to take it out.

 

It does nobody any good for one person to impose her 'shoulds' on another person. He doesn't smell it, or if he smells it, it doesn't register. Same with the garbage. I'm like that, I tell you. It is possible to be that way. So you can continue wanting him to be totally different, which is likely futile and foolish, or you can change both your expectations and how you manage this problem. Did you read that <removed> link, by the way????

[sami]

There is no magic glue for any partners in any relationship. However, if there is a will there is a way. It takes two to make love.

[nikjak626]

My husband is the exact same way! We have been married for five years and have two children. He just started mowing the lawn on a schedule. I constantly have to leave notes around for him to do things it's frustrating. He's comfortable living in filth, while I can't stand it. He's a procrastinator while I like to get things done. He is not dependable, he says he is going to do things but doesn't and that only makes him untrustworthy. Not in a cheating since. I am to the point where I do not like him and we have been together for 10 years. He will not grow up.

[sami]

It seems like you have unresolved issues either directly with him or you had them already existing in your system long before you both started your present relationship. Anyway, you may need to dig deep into yourself to find out. Is it really because of you, him or both?.

[CurlyIam]

I know I'm in no way the one to give you this advice, but after one long (not so) similar relationship - he would not be happy living in filth,but would let me do all the housework - I feel I can connect to your frustation.

 

Maybe you should not be that disapointed and frustrated but find a way to express your frustation and disapointment. Like throw on the porch his dirty clothes, make a scandal out of everything, make his life a living hell. Exteriorize the anger!!!

 

Yes, it is an outrageous advice from someone who's never been married. But severe times demand for sever actions.

 

Plus it will influence the future outcome of your kids. They will do what they see in the family: boys will think women are to be their servants, girls will think that being a maid is in a wife's "job description". This is not only about yourself.

 

 

 

I have had one very angry parent -my mom. She was and still is an incredibly successful woman, best mom and friend I ever sow. What I hated about her is that she would constantely yell at my dad. Or at us for not doing things. To the point where it could have been considered emotional abuse.

 

On the other hand, she would have the things done for herself. My dad would sometimes cook, he would help around the house, he would do things for her. And he does not know the meaning of the word "order"... I must say as a little girl, I would feel very sorry for my dad, I would hate her ways!!! Now, as I am older I've started thinking that maybe she wasn't completely wrong!

 

"Sometimes, all a woman's got left is to be a b!tch" (Dolores Clairborne)....

[leema]

Dear Men haters,

 

I work full time, my wife works part time. I am studying for a teaching degree to enhance my earning potential. I study in my spare time. I built the house my family and I live in, I tidy up, make breakfast for everyone, work 3 evenings a week, and I am absolutely knackered!

 

I am still told I am lazy and dont spend enough time with the kids. When I do a household chore, it isn't done properly according to the expert.

 

I sympathize with other men in my position who are taken for granted, and whose only purpose in life is to create a high standard of living for their wives.

 

Rant over

 

A tired, and cynical husband from London

[km]

And what do you do when the procrastination isn't about minor things, but is about major things that can affect your financial future?

 

My DH promised, when we got married, to be the one to take care of the house and cars, while I worked full time. We have been fighting an ongoing battle against problems with our house (leaking basement) that may lead either to our foundation falling in. He THOUGHT he had self-cured the problem (at a large expense of money, time, and grief); at that time, he took it upon himself to take a job (though we didn't need the money for anything but the luxuries he wants to buy himself).

 

Now, turns out, he didn't fix it right. He refuses to take suggestion/direction/assistance from me -- calls that nagging. He refuses to hire experts -- apparently, that's for sissies. But it's not fixed.

 

The foundation's developed a serious horizontal crack. The water continues to come in; he continues to insist that he can fix it -- but then, HE DOESN'T. He comes home from a short day (3 hours) on a BEAUTIFUL day, has a beer and passes out in front of the TV. Meanwhile, the forecast shows rain in 2 days.

 

I'm on medication for anxiety. This is NOT THE ONLY TIME HE'S PERFORMED (not performed) this way. He goes into denial. Problems don't get fixed. Problems get worse. I bring them up and a major shouting match ensues (begun by him, because how dare I question his ability?).

 

I would love to have an "It's his problem, let him deal with it" attitude, but it's not true -- it will cost me big $$, either in repairs or in loss of value to the house if we can ever sell it. You can bet he will not pay; it will be me.

 

I'm losing respect for him -- not because he can't fix it, but because he WON'T -- and because he won't accept help or hire someone like a landscaper or engineer to truly solve the problem for him.

 

I'm so used to him procrastinating the day to day stuff about the house (the only time he cleans is when his friends are coming to stay) -- I wish I could be "laid back" about my house falling down, but I'm having a hard time with that.

 

Oh, and don't bother to suggest just hiring someone without consulting with him -- he'd probably shoot the guy who showed up to work in his yard without his permission.

 

Right now, I'm avoiding the family room -- because I know, if I go there, I will find him "napping" and will want to SCREAM in frustration at him. And he will wait until the minute it starts to rain to attempt to patch the problem. And he will be unable to. And I will have to take a pill while my walls continue to break.

 

Thanks for the vent. Not sure I feel much better, but I do feel better.

 

ANYONE with advice for just coping with this? Don't tell me 'don't nag' -- what I do is the most cautious, careful, considerate gentle broaching of the subjects I need to discuss with him (because he's like a child and I have to be careful not to cause a tantrum), and I am always accused of being a nag. But it's his over-defensiveness that makes it nagging. Mature married couples are SUPPOSED to be able to discuss issues that affect their marriage, finances and happiness, without being screamed at for trying to do so.

 

I'm very angry at him. This is NOT helping us remain married.

[FolderWife]

Ugh, you are a nag. My husband is a nag. He doesn't trust me to do anything. I haven't done laundry this week. I don't feel like it. But I will do every stitch of it tomorrow (my day off) when I'm not so tired.

 

But is that good enough? Probably not...I'll probably go home and have to listen to him nag me that I am lazy and never do the laundry, and he'll brow beat me over it so much that I'll wash a load, even though I'm tired.

 

Ugh!

[Guest]

Having no clean clothes is a little different than your house falling in on you.

 

And NEVER doing it is different than doing it LATER.

 

I sympathize with your husband. You sound arrogant and snotty.

[Haunani]

Ladies, don't fall for the trap. I would love to dismiss my husband's laziness for ADHD but I won't. After 20 something years, I learned somewhat "deal with it". My DH comes from the "old school", women tend to the family, financial matters and as long as the money is coming in they've done their job. I know that feeling, I live it daily. Yes, we have issues, some major - mostly communication. We don't.

 

But I know for a fact it was my problem, it was the way I saw mom take care of dad, and if you loved your man, you would do everything to keep him happy, foregoing your own feelings. But in the beginning we would both clean, wash, go shopping, and sit down and do the financial matters. Eventually, it started slowing turning where I'd find myself doing everything because he was "tired" from the day, and I'd smile and say "it's okay, you rest, you worked hard today", (keep in mind I also worked full time too) but I'd think - It's okay, that's how Mom did it because she loved Dad, it's my "job". (But Mom was a stay-at-home mom, and never worked outside the home until we all left the house)

 

As time went on, that "job" became had been increased tri-fold, in came 3 kids, and a full-time job to uphold, and now it had become my sole responsibility to cook, clean, shop, pay bills, do laundry, take out the trash, family driver, sitter, and not to forget mow the lawn, clean the yard, and tend to the dog while he's so tired from working, and since we work together, I know he does work hard most days, but so do I. He comes home earlier than I do, but won't begin dinner, he will head straight to lay on the couch, and doesn't move, while I come home from working full time, pick up my kids, do their homework, begin dinner, do a load of laundry, if I can squeeze in playtime and a dog walk, we will, then tend to their nightime ritual (bath, brush teeth, and quiet time - reading books), then the night is over and I sit outside to water the lawn, all the once, he's not moved from the couch, only to get another beer.

 

It does get old. I was the nag, I tried the chore list, thank goodness my kids are a little older and that they can do the simple stuff, I now pay them allowance to do things around the house - this is a big help, I asked lovingly, I begged for him to understand how tired I was, and the help I needed, I pleaded, went on strike, did the silent treatment, and as it might change for a month or two, he may get into doing the laundry every other month, then it becomes too time consuming, and sits there until "someone" does it, usually me. Then it's back to the same routine, and I'm left feeling cheated., what I'm asking isn't alot, but I guess in the back of his mind, it is, it simply isn't his job, that's what his message tells me each time he "uh huh's" me, and continues to do - nothing.

 

It's taking it's toll on our relationship and I know I feel it. I want my daughter to grow up knowing the partner in her life is expected to pull their fair share, that she should not lay down and be someones door mat. If she gives in constantly, like me, because arguing about it and knowing full well the answer, just keeps the vicious cycle going of animosity and resentment., when in place there should be love, sharing and understanding. It works both ways. I feel like I have 4 kids and even discussing it while we are "communicating" doesn't matter., his very actions tell the story.

 

Vent done.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Guest

Having no clean clothes is a little different than your house falling in on you.

 

And NEVER doing it is different than doing it LATER.

 

I sympathize with your husband. You sound arrogant and snotty.

 

what do you mean,...."HAVING NO CLOTHES"....?

 

He doesnt have hands? He cant wash a load of laundry? If TOMORROW isnt good enough for him,...then he should do it himself.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Haunani

Ladies, don't fall for the trap. I would love to dismiss my husband's laziness for ADHD but I won't. After 20 something years, I learned somewhat "deal with it". My DH comes from the "old school", women tend to the family, financial matters and as long as the money is coming in they've done their job. I know that feeling, I live it daily. Yes, we have issues, some major - mostly communication. We don't.

 

But I know for a fact it was my problem, it was the way I saw mom take care of dad, and if you loved your man, you would do everything to keep him happy, foregoing your own feelings. But in the beginning we would both clean, wash, go shopping, and sit down and do the financial matters. Eventually, it started slowing turning where I'd find myself doing everything because he was "tired" from the day, and I'd smile and say "it's okay, you rest, you worked hard today", (keep in mind I also worked full time too) but I'd think - It's okay, that's how Mom did it because she loved Dad, it's my "job". (But Mom was a stay-at-home mom, and never worked outside the home until we all left the house)

 

As time went on, that "job" became had been increased tri-fold, in came 3 kids, and a full-time job to uphold, and now it had become my sole responsibility to cook, clean, shop, pay bills, do laundry, take out the trash, family driver, sitter, and not to forget mow the lawn, clean the yard, and tend to the dog while he's so tired from working, and since we work together, I know he does work hard most days, but so do I. He comes home earlier than I do, but won't begin dinner, he will head straight to lay on the couch, and doesn't move, while I come home from working full time, pick up my kids, do their homework, begin dinner, do a load of laundry, if I can squeeze in playtime and a dog walk, we will, then tend to their nightime ritual (bath, brush teeth, and quiet time - reading books), then the night is over and I sit outside to water the lawn, all the once, he's not moved from the couch, only to get another beer.

 

It does get old. I was the nag, I tried the chore list, thank goodness my kids are a little older and that they can do the simple stuff, I now pay them allowance to do things around the house - this is a big help, I asked lovingly, I begged for him to understand how tired I was, and the help I needed, I pleaded, went on strike, did the silent treatment, and as it might change for a month or two, he may get into doing the laundry every other month, then it becomes too time consuming, and sits there until "someone" does it, usually me. Then it's back to the same routine, and I'm left feeling cheated., what I'm asking isn't alot, but I guess in the back of his mind, it is, it simply isn't his job, that's what his message tells me each time he "uh huh's" me, and continues to do - nothing.

 

It's taking it's toll on our relationship and I know I feel it. I want my daughter to grow up knowing the partner in her life is expected to pull their fair share, that she should not lay down and be someones door mat. If she gives in constantly, like me, because arguing about it and knowing full well the answer, just keeps the vicious cycle going of animosity and resentment., when in place there should be love, sharing and understanding. It works both ways. I feel like I have 4 kids and even discussing it while we are "communicating" doesn't matter., his very actions tell the story.

 

Vent done.

 

sounds like you married the laziest man in the solar system. Wow. He does NOTHING. He works,...but then,...so do you. Does he atleast do yard work? Grass,..shrubs,..that sort of thing that is usually thought of by men as their work?

[whichwayisup]

As time went on, that "job" became had been increased tri-fold, in came 3 kids, and a full-time job to uphold, and now it had become my sole responsibility to cook, clean, shop, pay bills, do laundry, take out the trash, family driver, sitter, and not to forget mow the lawn, clean the yard, and tend to the dog while he's so tired from working, and since we work together, I know he does work hard most days, but so do I. He comes home earlier than I do, but won't begin dinner, he will head straight to lay on the couch, and doesn't move, while I come home from working full time, pick up my kids, do their homework, begin dinner, do a load of laundry, if I can squeeze in playtime and a dog walk, we will, then tend to their nightime ritual (bath, brush teeth, and quiet time - reading books), then the night is over and I sit outside to water the lawn, all the once, he's not moved from the couch, only to get another beer.

 

I'm sorry! Wow do I feel for you. Honestly, he doesn't sound fully "old school" he sound f**k'n lazy! He's spoiled and expects you to do just about everything but wipe his butt! HA, I'm sure if you offered, he'd gladly take you up on that too!

 

You must be SO tired by the end of your day and evening. It's one thing to have some old school ways of thinking, IE: the woman brings up the children and takes care of cooking and cleaning - Usually men tend to do the "fixing" and "outside" stuff around the house. Yet you do it all.

 

He should be ashamed of himself and the example he's setting for your children! Just isn't right this day and age! Parents have to work together and DO things together. There is NO reason whatsoever he can't do any of the chores that you do, ADHD or not, still NO EXCUSE! Unless he's completely disabled, which he's not, he can get off his a$$!

 

I'm surprised you haven't lost it yet! He deserves you nagging at him! s***, I'd nag him for you if you'd like!!

 

I don't know what to say, sounds like he'll never change nor does he want to. I guess it's either put up with it or kick him out.

 

Aside from those issues, is he nice to you? Does he show affection? Do you guys go out together, see a movie or go for dinner? Just wondering how the rest of your relationship is.

[Haunani]

Scarly.......No I'm the one who mowes, and rakes, and cuts the trees and throws them out - while he's watching tv, and saying out the window *sssh, please keep it down, I'm watching tv*, though half jokingly, and not. He thinks it's funny. Or yes, he will go outside but to the "outside refrigerator", look at how tall the grass is getting and say, "wow the grass gets really tall when you keep mowing it, it's looking good", and walks right back inside.

 

Oh, he did a project outside once, and made my dogs house,.......he's now 7, I think that's the last time he was out there for longer than 2 hours..........

[moimeme]

Ladies, don't fall for the trap. I would love to dismiss my husband's laziness for ADHD but I won't.

 

You don't get it. The OP's husband agreed he should be doing chores, but forgot to do them which is a symptom of AD/HD.

 

I also suggested she learn to negotiate the chores. It doesn't sound like you've tried to negotiate at all. Rather, you do what so many women do - try to push, pull, or drag the guy into doing what she wants him to do. This isn't going to work. Never has, never will. So you have to change your approach because so far what you're doing hasn't worked at all.

[Mr Spock]

ou don't get it. The OP's husband agreed he should be doing chores, but forgot to do them which is a symptom of AD/HD

 

Until he's diagnosed by a doctor the rest of the posters have to go about the notion he's a typical lazy ass guy that forgets to do stuff. You can be scatterbrained without having a disorder. I think there is too much of a movement to categorize and label poor behaviour as the result of chemical imbalances and mental disorders.

 

Part of maturing is remembering to do things that are asked of you. Chores aren't fun, and are usually shoved to the back burner under the rationale "I'll do it later". And that can be overcome with training.

 

 

Women seem to think they're powerless. Look at yourself-this kind of stuff is soul destroying, and is bothering you incredibly. Stop doing HIS laundry. Stop cooking HIM dinner. Like I mean stop setting a place for him at the table. Simply tell him you cannot be responsible for his sh*t as well as your childrens. ( to all the ladies that hold down jobs outside the house)

 

The worst that can happen is he'll leave you, which lightens your workload anyways. And what kind of jerk forces his wife into that position anyways?? Either you take a stand or continue to be taken for granted, which isn't teaching your children a good lesson at all.

 

Don't announce it, just do it. When he runs out of clean socks you can simply say "You're not a child, you can be responsible for your own laundry"

[Haunani]

Moi....Oh my husband has said that too "I forgot", and then he still doesn't do them, and his actions mean "get over it and do it yourself".

 

Don't you think that after 20 years, I've tried everything? I've negotiated till I was blue in the face. Made a list and we've both sat down deciding which ones we could each of would want to do. He chose laundry. I wrote it out. Laundry means to sort, wash, hang up, or throw in the dryer, take down, fold and put away.

 

Not bad, he'd do sorting, hanging, then that's it. So that meant he didnt' live up to his side, when I'd ask him to take down the clothes because I was going to mow the lawn, he's roll his eyes and not move. So of course, I would do it because I didn't want to end up washing them all over again.

 

We'd Negotiate - the bathrooms (2 of them) needs cleaning weekly. I asked if he'd do one and I do the worst one - the kids. He agreed, but it never panned out, "something" else came up, and he'd "forget" too - sorry. And yet, wouldn't do it. So who does. Me.

 

It's not nagging on my part, I don't get what your saying. I've already done the negotiation to the point where I've given up negotiating already, it doesn't work unless they want it to. Sometimes it takes drastic measures for them to open up their eyes and see.

 

Maybe I have it the worst, I dunno, but trust me, Its not cause he "forgot". He runs a multi-million dollar company for the boss, and has lots of employees who always use that "I forgot" excuse, and it doesn't fly with him. But for him at home, it does. Hows that for a double-standard?

[whichwayisup]

Well, if he can do his job at work, he can do his part at home.

 

I think he's lazy and getting away with murder. Time to either get to marriage councilling or end it. Give him the choice. He may not think you're serious at first, but stick to your guns and see what he does. My guess is, he'll cave as he won't be able to function without you.

[moimeme]

Until he's diagnosed by a doctor the rest of the posters have to go about the notion he's a typical lazy ass guy that forgets to do stuff. You can be scatterbrained without having a disorder. I think there is too much of a movement to categorize and label poor behaviour as the result of chemical imbalances and mental disorders.

 

No, actually, there are heaps of people being diagnosed as 'lazy asses' who in fact have undiagnosed disorders which could be treated. But people would rather condemn someone and criticize him than endeavour to find out whether something is really wrong.

 

I wager that if any of these ladies were to suggest to their guys that planning things and not carrying through as well as forgetting are symptoms of AD/HD and that maybe the guys should be assessed, it'd pretty quickly become clear who has a disorder and who not.

 

Four percent of adults have AD/HD. That is four of every hundred people you know. Chances you marry one are better than chances of most other things, including getting cancer and winning a lottery.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Haunani

Scarly.......No I'm the one who mowes, and rakes, and cuts the trees and throws them out - while he's watching tv, and saying out the window *sssh, please keep it down, I'm watching tv*, though half jokingly, and not. He thinks it's funny. Or yes, he will go outside but to the "outside refrigerator", look at how tall the grass is getting and say, "wow the grass gets really tall when you keep mowing it, it's looking good", and walks right back inside.

 

Oh, he did a project outside once, and made my dogs house,.......he's now 7, I think that's the last time he was out there for longer than 2 hours..........

 

Does he drink alot or something? Seems like there must be SOMETHING that keeps his motivations low. You mentioned going out to the outside fridge. Thats typically where people would keep most of their beer. At any rate, this isnt acceptable. I dont see how you're going to spend the rest of your days pampering this guy. (and thats exactly what you're doing) He doesnt have to take any resposibility for anything. Doesnt this lower your respect for him alot?

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by moimeme

No, actually, there are heaps of people being diagnosed as 'lazy asses' who in fact have undiagnosed disorders which could be treated. But people would rather condemn someone and criticize him than endeavour to find out whether something is really wrong.

 

I wager that if any of these ladies were to suggest to their guys that planning things and not carrying through as well as forgetting are symptoms of AD/HD and that maybe the guys should be assessed, it'd pretty quickly become clear who has a disorder and who not.

 

Four percent of adults have AD/HD. That is four of every hundred people you know. Chances you marry one are better than chances of most other things, including getting cancer and winning a lottery.

 

 

Yeah but this guy doesnt seem to forget where the OUTSIDE FRIDGE IS. He seems to remember that he ISNT GOING TO HELP. Being scatterbrained or ADHD diagnosed or forgetful goes out the window as a possible excuse when he goes out to the fridge and SEES her working and doesnt offer to help.

[Haunani]

precisely where we're at now....... he just doesn't see it, even when it's slapped directly in his face, to him "it's hunky dory". I don't "pamper" him, but I do things to keep the peace and the kids happy, even though there is tension in the air, I try to keep the family activities normal. Yes, he tends to have his share of beer, but he's also a runner (usually Sunday mornings) which should motivate him yes? No excuses, I've done it in the early stages of our marriage, then decided that's not how it should be, and feel rebelious about it now, when now, he's turned it around that I did it to him. (meaning I've spoiled him).

 

I tell myself he's not abusive and that my kids are taken cared of, and we have a roof over our heads, I should just stop nagging, shut up and live with it, or get out since it seems he's not willing to change.

 

It's too bad how people think our family is on the outside, is how it really is on the inside when it's comletely opposite. Telling ones "friends" is totally unacceptable to him, and that I should speak to noone about our private life.....

 

oh boy. just writing this seems surreal.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Haunani

 

 

It's too bad how people think our family is on the outside, is how it really is on the inside when it's comletely opposite. Telling ones "friends" is totally unacceptable to him, and that I should speak to noone about our private life.....

 

 

I wonder if he thinks this is "unacceptable" because he doesnt want people to know the truth about how lazy he actually is. Do you ever catch him taking credit for your nice lawn if someone compliments it?

 

 

Its noble of you to tow the line to keep the peace and keep a good life up for your kids, but, at what price to you? What about your happiness? What about your respect? Im sure your kids respect the hell out of you, but, he clearly does not.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, it's just seriously WRONG for you to be doing all that with no help from your husband.

 

But I agree with the other posters insomuch as what you've been doing previously is NOT getting results.....so, it's time to do something different.

 

When all else fails.....go for his wallet. Hire the help you need to alleviate the stress in your environment. Get a landscaping service, and have a maid service come in twice a week. Drop the laundry off at the dry cleaners. Then...hand him the bills.

 

The alternative to that is that he remember to do his part around the house.

 

And if all else fails, and he's pretty certain he wants a 1950's style hausfrau....you can always quit your job and let Daddy bring home the bacon BY HIMSELF.

[Haunani]

Lady.....I like the way you think......LOL I have been trying to get *fired* so I can collect unemployment, I just don't mess up enough. And my daughter wants me on more excursions....... Guess I have to keep trying. I'm going to entertain that thought!