Husband's intimacy with sister-in-law a devastating blow

[BetrayedH]

I really don't think my daughter should come here. She reads me like a book and will know instantly something new has happened. She is only visiting the US and needed desperately to have quality time with her family. This weekend, my nephew - SIL/brother's son - is visiting along with ALL of my children and their families. My H and I are going to be toast after tonight although probably the company will make us perform and not have to face each other. I just don't want to ruin everybody else's time together and hope I can bring it off. They have a lot of expectations for these two days.

 

As far as I am concerned, I just don't know what should happen next. At least, I can say that after all these years I do know my H well enough to know that right now he is thinking that he can't bear it. Each time, he has looked cornered like a wild beast and eventually erupts that he cannot take it any more. It is as if I am inflicting the pain and he can only take so much. No matter what I say, this is where it ends up.

 

It looks like we needs a professional, but I just wouldn't trust the garden variety available in this small town. I don't know how to help him get beyond this shame problem. I don't see any men in his position who have posted here, meaning a WH. I guess I am still doing the right thing but can't be sure any more. I know that every single other person in my family will NOT want to know any of this. None. Zero. They will not want to be sucked into the crashing tornado. And I do not want my children to be my supports.

 

I really and truly do not know what to do - tomorrow, the next day, the next.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with faking it thru this visit. I did a lot of that on both sides of the family for many months. That said, I think I almost always had one person with me that was "in the know" so that they could see and help me process thru some of the tougher events that present themselves. I needed a thought-partner.

 

I always recommend for waywards to post their story in the wayward forum at survivinginfidelity.com. They can get very real and solid advice about what to do. It is very normal for a WS to want to sweep it under the rug, to think that discussing it any further will only cause more pain, etc. They will call him on that bull crap there within a minute and they are waywards just like him. Also, get him the book, "How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair." He may start to get it.

 

Or, if you are just plain done, then just get thru the vacations and file for divorce when they leave. Quite frankly, just do what it takes to get yourself thru and don't worry so much about everyone else's ruined vacation. If you mean anything to them, they will understand.

[merrmeade]

Great term: Trickle Truth

 

When it starts trickling, everything is revealed about everything and everybody. I feel like I've spent my whole married life - which is also 2/3 of my life - under this man's ego. I knew and have even been told by people from time to time that he is your basic A---ole but just kept on trudging through the various humiliations, brushing them under the rug and moving on to the next stage of life. Now that the Truth is the only thing on the agenda, I am forced to deal with and look right at the the truth of who he is as well.

 

This morning, I came in while he was having breakfast and getting ready to leave for work. I put down the Kindle on which I'd installed BetrayedH's book recommendation

How to Help Your Spouse Get Through Your Affair

(I think that's the name of it.) Well, he lost it, saying he can't take any more. He's losing it emotionally. Like that. And THEN, he delivered, what I imagine he'd worked on overnight at least but maybe longer, thinking it was a big, double whammy that would make us even. He started going on about how I did not want two of our children when I first found out I was pregnant with them and wanted to abort them. He said it like this, "And you wanted to abort X and Y!" (X and Y are our children - chromosomes also) with great emotion and crying.

 

Well, what do you know. It was so astounding in its stupidity and childishness, it just kind of whizzed past me like somebody had thrown a tiny rock instead of shot a cannon as he'd intended. I just said "bull****" a couple of times, thought about what the hell he was trying to do and then said, "This is not about who's a worse person." He answered, "Then, what's it about?" If I'd had it totally together, I would have said, "Your ego apparently," but I didn't. I just said," It's about the bad decisions you made in this situation." Damn. Off the hook - again.

 

So there you have it, folks. The Narcissist revealed. Everything that happens with anyone in his life is about, with, for and to him. Every relationship he interprets in terms of himself and what is done or said to him. So when his wife finally, at last forces the truth of his full-blown, adulterous affair with HER brother's spouse, instead of showing remorse for the further pain caused her, he can think only of the shame of his exposure. That's it. It's once again about him. So overnight, he mulls and stews and comes up with the terrible things that she has done in their life. And what is the worst (he thinks) that can really fell her self-image as a good wife and mother? The fact that a couple of decades ago for a week or so, she thought about having an abortion when she found out she was pregnant sooner than she'd hoped.

 

This is good for me. I've never had a Greek chorus before, chanting the truth on the sidelines as I enacted the drama of my life. But this, this is very good. I'm kind of beginning to enjoy it actually. I'm getting better, too, because I needed no help with this one. This one was so desperate and the logic of it so ridiculous that I got it all by myself!

 

Piece of work.

Edited July 5, 2012 by merrmeade

[Furious]

Your husband is in self preservation mode, his image, the facade of who he portrayed himself to be, especially to his children is in jeopardy.

 

He has already begun blame shifting, trying to paint you as the villain and don't be surprised when he digs up whatever he can to blame you for his affair.

 

Be prepared for a multitude of emotion and turmoil in the coming days, weeks and months to come.

 

Stay strong.

[BetrayedH]

Great term: Trickle Truth

 

When it starts trickling, everything is revealed about everything and everybody. I feel like I've spent my whole married life - which is also 2/3 of my life - under this man's ego. I knew and have even been told by people from time to time that he is your basic A---ole but just kept on trudging through the various humiliations, brushing them under the rug and moving on to the next stage of life. Now that the Truth is the only thing on the agenda, I am forced to deal with and look right at the the truth of who he is as well.

 

This morning, I came in while he was having breakfast and getting ready to leave for work. I put down the Kindle on which I'd installed BetrayedH's book recommendation (I think that's the name of it.) Well, he lost it, saying he can't take any more. He's losing it emotionally. Like that. And THEN, he delivered, what I imagine he'd worked on overnight at least but maybe longer, thinking it was a big, double whammy that would make us even. He started going on about how I did not want two of our children when I first found out I was pregnant with them and wanted to abort them. He said it like this, "And you wanted to abort X and Y!" (X and Y are our children - chromosomes also) with great emotion and crying.

 

Well, what do you know. It was so astounding in its stupidity and childishness, it just kind of whizzed past me like somebody had thrown a tiny rock instead of shot a cannon as he'd intended. I just said "bull****" a couple of times, thought about what the hell he was trying to do and then said, "This is not about who's a worse person." He answered, "Then, what's it about?" If I'd had it totally together, I would have said, "Your ego apparently," but I didn't. I just said," It's about the bad decisions you made in this situation." Damn. Off the hook - again.

 

So there you have it, folks. The Narcissist revealed. Everything that happens with anyone in his life is about, with, for and to him. Every relationship he interprets in terms of himself and what is done or said to him. So when his wife finally, at last forces the truth of his full-blown, adulterous affair with HER brother's spouse, instead of showing remorse for the further pain caused her, he can think only of the shame of his exposure. That's it. It's once again about him. So overnight, he mulls and stews and comes up with the terrible things that she has done in their life. And what is the worst (he thinks) that can really fell her self-image as a good wife and mother? The fact that a couple of decades ago for a week or so, she thought about having an abortion when she found out she was pregnant sooner than she'd hoped.

 

This is good for me. I've never had a Greek chorus before, chanting the truth on the sidelines as I enacted the drama of my life. But this, this is very good. I'm kind of beginning to enjoy it actually. I'm getting better, too, because I needed no help with this one. This one was so desperate and the logic of it so ridiculous that I got it all by myself!

 

Piece of work.

 

Geas, MM. His response was pretty damn ridiculous. Clearly the best choice for him to deal with the trauma of your thoughts of abortion a few decades ago was to go and screw your brother's wife for a few years. I'm sure it helped the whole family.

 

Jiminy Christmas. Good luck with these family visitors. For his own sake, I hope he smartens up before they arrive or they're only going to need popcorn while they watch the fireworks show.

 

Funny thing is that the book is a quick and easy read. You'd think you'd asked him to do something monumental. Good luck, hon. I feel for you.

[Steen719]

Great term: Trickle Truth

I feel like I've spent my whole married life - which is also 2/3 of my life - under this man's ego. I knew and have even been told by people from time to time that he is your basic A---ole but just kept on trudging through the various humiliations, brushing them under the rug and moving on to the next stage of life.

 

I did the same. UGH

 

So there you have it, folks. The Narcissist revealed. Everything that happens with anyone in his life is about, with, for and to him. Every relationship he interprets in terms of himself and what is done or said to him. So when his wife finally, at last forces the truth of his full-blown, adulterous affair with HER brother's spouse, instead of showing remorse for the further pain caused her, he can think only of the shame of his exposure. That's it. It's once again about him. So overnight, he mulls and stews and comes up with the terrible things that she has done in their life. And what is the worst (he thinks) that can really fell her self-image as a good wife and mother? The fact that a couple of decades ago for a week or so, she thought about having an abortion when she found out she was pregnant sooner than she'd hoped.

 

I understand this, MM. I nursed my XH through a liver transplant which (due to his having to quit work, us having to temporarily move, home equity, etc.) put us into tremendous debt. I teach online for a college and I was teaching three classes at a time, working almost non-stop from the moment I got up until I went to bed. He told me later, after I discovered his affair (for the 2nd time) that I was not paying him enough attention! Are you kidding me? I was floored. Talk about narcissism! So, he used anything to try to justify it. He told me that he had not been happy in 13 years (since the first affair) and when I said couldn't you tell me that BEFORE I went into such debt? and so then he said it had only been for a year. It took me a while, MM, but I finally, truly realized this was about him and his narcissist needs. I was not perfect by any means, but are you freaking kidding me? (also, I would ask him to eat dinner with me..that I had cooked...and he would take his dinner in to the study in front of the computer and eat it...that was me ignoring him...lol)

 

His shame may feel bad, MM, but how is it that he thinks it is worse that you feel? Good God, your H did this with your brother's wife... a man who is in a nursing home....YOUR brother! It isn't that he should not or does not feel shame, but that is the problem with these narcissistic partners. No matter the fallout, it is always about them and never about you.

 

Good luck with the visitors. You are very obviously a strong, genuine person and you will persevere and who knows...you may flourish.

[merrmeade]

Oh yes, Furious, I know about this one. In fact, it was after reading your post "The unknown role the betrayed spouse plays in the 'affair'" that I decided to sign up for this forum.

 

And BetrayedH was the first one to hit me with the trickle truth phenomenon - "Just from an outside perspective, I find it impossible to believe that there were backrubs, hugs, and lying down together but no kissing or sex. Are they pre-teens? " I was very uncomfortable for sure but everybody kept coming back to it.

 

Oh well, the celebrations in this are small and sad, but it is good to finally let myself believe that I am a good, strong person who does not deserve this.

[merrmeade]

You want to hear something else really sad about this? I have another brother - I'll call him B2 - who doesn't speak to me. The reason he doesn't is because of my H essentially. It's a long story but upshot is that B2, along with my deceased mother, were the two people in my life who saw H as less than honorable. I do wish there were someone I could talk to, but am not sure about taking B2 into my confidence. He lives 3 states away and is seriously the scariest, most confrontational person you could talk to. He is a decent man but has a demonstrated lack of empathy.

 

Because I travel so much, I really haven't kept up with friends in this country. (That was another reason why sil's question to me a month ago, when I first started questioning them, hurt so much. She asked rhetorically and diabolically, "Do you HAVE any close friendships?") I tried confiding in a childhood friend who was upset about it since she knows the entire family. I"ve been a little sad that she did not call me back. I actually hoped she'd drop everything and come, but she lives in another city and left on vacation a few days after it happened. She may believe she's 'giving us some time,' but her advice by email was not so great -

On general principals, try not to involve your children. That will be hard because you are in such close proximity in the car and at the house. And you are not big on self-censorship. And wanting to keep lines of communication open with [H] also. But please try.

- and I have no emotional margin for teaching friends how to help me right now.

 

Yes, I know. Counseling. Working on it.

Edited July 5, 2012 by merrmeade

[Owl]

I'm going to recommend a slightly different approach in dealing with the upcoming visit.

 

Tell the truth.

 

Let them know...now is a bad time. I just discovered that H has been cheating on me, he's still not being honest about the whole situation, and frankly we're headed for divorce.

 

Perhaps now isn't a good time to come. But, if you decide to come, be aware of the situation.

 

As far as your H...clearly he still "doesn't get it".

 

He may never. Some don't/can't/won't.

 

Recovery is possible...but it doesn't sound to me like he's willing to step up and do his part in it...and recover is NOT possible in that instance. Not marital recovery...but your own personal recover is still something that WILL happen, one way or another.

 

Don't cover for your H. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. If he can't accept those as results of his own actions...that's an indicator on how likely it is that you'll be able to have a successful marriage with this guy.

 

Let the truth come out...and let your H deal with it. How he deals with it will tell an enormous amount about him.

[Steen719]

and I have no emotional margin for teaching friends how to help me right now.

 

I have many blessings in this life and I know it despite what has happened to me. One of my greatest is my friends and family. I could not have done it without them and I did not have to teach them. There are people out there who love you for who you are. Go to them.

[merrmeade]

I understand this, MM. I nursed my XH through a liver transplant which (due to his having to quit work, us having to temporarily move, home equity, etc.) put us into tremendous debt. I teach online for a college and I was teaching three classes at a time, working almost non-stop from the moment I got up until I went to bed. He told me later, after I discovered his affair (for the 2nd time) that I was not paying him enough attention! Are you kidding me? I was floored. Talk about narcissism! So, he used anything to try to justify it. He told me that he had not been happy in 13 years (since the first affair) and when I said couldn't you tell me that BEFORE I went into such debt? and so then he said it had only been for a year. It took me a while, MM, but I finally, truly realized this was about him and his narcissist needs. I was not perfect by any means, but are you freaking kidding me? (also, I would ask him to eat dinner with me..that I had cooked...and he would take his dinner in to the study in front of the computer and eat it...that was me ignoring him...lol)

 

His shame may feel bad, MM, but how is it that he thinks it is worse that you feel? Good God, your H did this with your brother's wife... a man who is in a nursing home....YOUR brother! It isn't that he should not or does not feel shame, but that is the problem with these narcissistic partners. No matter the fallout, it is always about them and never about you.

 

Good luck with the visitors. You are very obviously a strong, genuine person and you will persevere and who knows...you may flourish.

 

Yes, I noticed that we have supporting spouses through transplants in common, Steen. I spent $26,000 of family money on that one. Luckily (I suppose), I had it and didn't have to go into debt like you. In fact, that is when he and SIL started their Sunday morning 'visits' by phone 5 years ago. They both tried to say that's all there was to the relationship until I came across the first text message full of innuendos.

 

You want to know something that is ironic but just about all this? About 15 years ago, I called my SIL and complained to her that H was not keeping jobs and when he did get some money from workman's compensation, kept it to himself while I was having to ask my mother for financial help. I found out later that, with SIL's advice and legal support, my mother wrote her will in such a way that H could never benefit. At first I felt bad for him but no more. It wasn't vindictive on her part; it was proactive. Ironic that SIL set it up.

 

Another thing I wanted to say (since my entire life story is now out here might as well complete it) that I've always known and looked the other way at how H can charm and use almost anyone that he needs to survive. In fact, because of my mother's sharp perception and protection of me, my family has been lukewarm toward him all our married lives. It was only after she died, that this changed. First, my father and then B1 and his entire family now adore him. It's bizarre because his background, politics, lifestyle were so different from them and my SIL, but he has literally adopted new behaviors and habits that he never did with me. There were all new dishes that he taught himself to cook for that family (SIL and sons) and lots of desserts. He never cooked for us. He cleaned like a maniac whenever they would visit.

 

Oh, I can't stand to do this kind of memory reconstruction. No more. I am going to do something for myself today.

[merrmeade]

I'm going to recommend a slightly different approach in dealing with the upcoming visit.

 

Tell the truth.

 

Let them know...now is a bad time. I just discovered that H has been cheating on me, he's still not being honest about the whole situation, and frankly we're headed for divorce.

 

Perhaps now isn't a good time to come. But, if you decide to come, be aware of the situation.

 

As far as your H...clearly he still "doesn't get it".

 

He may never. Some don't/can't/won't.

 

Recovery is possible...but it doesn't sound to me like he's willing to step up and do his part in it...and recover is NOT possible in that instance. Not marital recovery...but your own personal recover is still something that WILL happen, one way or another.

 

Don't cover for your H. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. If he can't accept those as results of his own actions...that's an indicator on how likely it is that you'll be able to have a successful marriage with this guy.

 

Let the truth come out...and let your H deal with it. How he deals with it will tell an enormous amount about him.

 

I am not sure I am this courageous. I agree that, even though I've told both of them that I do not plan to tell B1, ours or their children, that agreement is totally at my discretion whether or not I honor it.

 

I am thinking of the children - going ahead with the weekend plans. It would be a sacrifice but then, I get to be with them, too. It is healing in a different way.

[merrmeade]

Also just wanted to say thank you so much for the thoughtful, timely responses. Reading and answering is therapy, and because of it I do feel justified and empowered. Last night I could not have imagined feeling like I could do anything today, but I actually feel okay after all this.

[BetrayedH]

You want to hear something else really sad about this? I have another brother - I'll call him B2 - who doesn't speak to me. The reason he doesn't is because of my H essentially. It's a long story but upshot is that B2, along with my deceased mother, were the two people in my life who saw H as less than honorable. I do wish there were someone I could talk to, but am not sure about taking B2 into my confidence. He lives 3 states away and is seriously the scariest, most confrontational person you could talk to. He is a decent man but has a demonstrated lack of empathy.

 

Because I travel so much, I really haven't kept up with friends in this country. (That was another reason why sil's question to me a month ago, when I first started questioning them, hurt so much. She asked rhetorically and diabolically, "Do you HAVE any close friendships?") I tried confiding in a childhood friend who was upset about it since she knows the entire family. I"ve been a little sad that she did not call me back. I actually hoped she'd drop everything and come, but she lives in another city and left on vacation a few days after it happened. She may believe she's 'giving us some time,' but her advice by email was not so great - - and I have no emotional margin for teaching friends how to help me right now.

 

Yes, I know. Counseling. Working on it.

 

For what it is worth, I have survived my situation pretty much on my own. The reality is that friends and family simply don't get it. And they really don't know what to say. Most of it amounts to get over it, be thankful for your kids, it'll be better with time and so forth. Most of their advice is simply crap. Mine would have been, too, until I earned my virtual Infidelity PhD. They have their own drama to deal with, too, and so most of them get burnt out pretty quickly. I have learned to use my head most of the time and to use counseling to deal with the emotional side. You can do this. You're obviously intelligent and you'll surive this trauma.

 

As for Owl's suggestion, I probably went too far in protecting my W from consequences. Not suffering them leads to no change. That said, once you tell, you can't untell it. Choose wisely.

[turnera]

I am worried that our children will have problems if she continues to blame me.

What kind of problems do you envision?

[turnera]

I What do I say to H about why I am still thinking and troubling over it and being suspicious? I know this looks and sounds like a no brainer, but in some areas of this I truly have no brain. Another difficulty is that when I show him my own suffering and doubts, he can only take it for a little while and then literally breaks. That is probably where the marriage counselor could help us, but I fear that he will never agree to it. For now, it's up to me.

Here is where you are getting into trouble. Typical for females, who are all too ready to give up what THEY need for the sake of the husband, the marriage, the kids...

 

First, you should expect that you will still BE thinking about it for MANY years to come. Just accept that now. You won't be over this for a LONG time, and it will STILL be HIS fault that you aren't over it. NEVER your fault, ok? He is going to try his best to make you feel guilty for 'still harping on it.'

 

Until he truly hits rock bottom and lifts the fog and realizes just what he did to you - from YOUR side, not his - he will continue to bug you to 'just get over it.' Trust us.

 

Now, how to get him to stop being this way, to have a come to Jesus moment, and get it? By addressing the second item I bolded. HE breaks? Seriously? HE breaks? After what he did to you?

 

Until you get mad about this attitude and STAY mad, he will never seek the help he needs to grow and learn from this, to mature, to learn humility, and to be able to ACCEPT and ADMIT his faults...without 'breaking.'

 

You know what breaking is, right? It's his way of saying 'ok, I kissed your ass long enough, I'm not gonna do it any more, I have my dignity, you know. I know you aren't leaving me, so I'm done playing doghouse and you'd better get over it.'

 

He is testing you.

 

Are you going to respect yourself enough to stand UP to his testing/breaking by saying 'I love you but if you don't get your butt in therapy, we are done'?

[turnera]

Yes, that is the point, and I'm not so sure I could bring it off a second time. I do not manipulate people well (at all?) and can even be bullied into believing that something is my fault. This muddies the picture some but doesn't really affect the facts. Whatever happened, happened. All I want to know if he has told me the truth since D-day, and I am not sure I am together enough to let time reveal or not reveal what I should know.

 

If I understood correctly from your posts (I assume it's okay to poke around like that), your D-days weren't that long ago. I'm so glad you continue to hang around here supporting and helping others, though I don't imagine it's ever 'over' for anyone.

 

I think the hardest part is making myself the most important person in all of it. Everywhere I think of turning, every action I contemplate taking, I worry about how it will affect someone else. My aunt, who was a psychiatric social worker, once said to me when I actually did stand up to my husband regarding an important family decision and was worrying about what other people would think, "You are sure that you have made the best, most responsible decision possible. You can't be responsible now for how others will react." It helped me a lot at the time because the decision was for the good of my children. This time, it's just me, my dignity.

merr, are YOU in therapy? I think you could really help a lot if you would get the support you need to learn to love yourself and put yourself first. Therapy will greatly help with that.

[turnera]

I really don't think my daughter should come here. She reads me like a book and will know instantly something new has happened.

You keep saying this, and I don't understand it. Does it have something to do with your inability to have anyone else feel bad BECAUSE of you?

 

If so, you are doing your daughter a GRAVE disservice. How would you feel if you found out your mother was suffering this much, and she avoided you just so you wouldn't feel bad?

[turnera]

And I do not want my children to be my supports.

Why? There's a difference in knowing your pain and wanting you to be happy, and turning them into your armchair therapist.

[dreamingoftigers]

Tunera has it right.

 

It took me years of back and forth bull**** to get to that point though.

 

It was Hell and it still affects me.

 

My father pulled the same bull**** with my mother (right around the same time, I caught both father and husband two weeks apart! Yuck!)

 

My mother still goes through it.

 

These guys think that stopping the affair is enough and like they've done you a huge favor. They also act like you made them feel bad at some point so it's okay for you to "feel bad" too.

 

Don't expect a rush to responsibility. Cheating was them avoiding responsibility to begin with. Your sil is the same.

[turnera]

I'm going to recommend a slightly different approach in dealing with the upcoming visit.

 

Tell the truth.

 

Let them know...now is a bad time. I just discovered that H has been cheating on me, he's still not being honest about the whole situation, and frankly we're headed for divorce.

 

Perhaps now isn't a good time to come. But, if you decide to come, be aware of the situation.

 

As far as your H...clearly he still "doesn't get it".

 

He may never. Some don't/can't/won't.

 

Recovery is possible...but it doesn't sound to me like he's willing to step up and do his part in it...and recover is NOT possible in that instance. Not marital recovery...but your own personal recover is still something that WILL happen, one way or another.

 

Don't cover for your H. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. If he can't accept those as results of his own actions...that's an indicator on how likely it is that you'll be able to have a successful marriage with this guy.

 

Let the truth come out...and let your H deal with it. How he deals with it will tell an enormous amount about him.

Owl, this is spot on! merr, please consider doing this. For YOUR sake and theirs. Hiding an affair is almost never the answer.

[merrmeade]

What kind of problems do you envision?

 

Oh, that was long ago and far away that I said that. Thanks for reminding me. It makes me hopeful for how much further I may be able to go.

 

She won't blame me I realize now that she knows how much I know. No, all the cards are in my hand.

[turnera]

I am not sure I am this courageous. I agree that, even though I've told both of them that I do not plan to tell B1, ours or their children, that agreement is totally at my discretion whether or not I honor it.

 

I am thinking of the children - going ahead with the weekend plans. It would be a sacrifice but then, I get to be with them, too. It is healing in a different way.

Send them all a text.

 

Oh, and B2? Write him a letter. Please. Don't lose people in your life for the wrong reasons.

[merrmeade]

Okay, here comes the calvary. Gulp. I am reading. I am thinking about calling off the weekend get-together and telling everyone what is going on.

 

You all are saying: The truth is what it is. This thing has been done to ME. I am cheating myself by protecting their behavior. I'm thinking.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, here comes the calvary. Gulp. I am reading. I am thinking about calling off the weekend get-together and telling everyone what is going on.

 

You all are saying: The truth is what it is. This thing has been done to ME. I am cheating myself by protecting their behavior. I'm thinking.

 

Yes, you are protecting him from his logical consequences when the standard societal response is to be exposed and divorced.

 

Furthermore he is acting as though your reaching out to him and being VERY REASONABLE is some type of burden and that this is YOUR FAULT.

 

This keeps it at the personal-conflict level which makes his opinion of the affair just as valid as yours. It isn't.

 

Sometimes they need a group of someones to tell them to dig their head from their ass, or they don't bother doing it.

 

My husband was estranged from his family and didnt have any close friends, part of why it went on and on.

 

Unfortunately for him, those that gave him the kick to the head were social services and all of the consequences that came with it (he had addictive issues too). Up to that point there was NO taking responsibility for his actions, "shame" or the hurt he caused our family, most specifically myself (up to that point).

[merrmeade]

Look, here's the thing:

 

We have huge life issues on a practical level that are at a turning point right now. Whether I want to spend the next three years in therapy with him is a very real question. I don't. So if I'm not committed to making our marriage #1 in my life, I am not sure about outing him to the rest of the family just because he is, in fact, a louse.

 

Also, I could have acted sooner and did look the other way. H was recuperating from a transplant. I was already feeling like I'd wasted years with him and his coming and going at will, so I decided to do what I wanted and started doing service overseas. I was gone A LOT. As my daughter says, I left him in a completely vulnerable situation with a woman sharing the house a couple of weekends a month who had essentially lost her husband as a mate and companion. H has a narcissistic need for constant appreciation; she had needs of all kinds all over the place. When I came, I saw signs each time - they fought like spouses for one thing - and I still looked the other way. It was convenient for me.

 

I am not committed to giving up my life to work through our marriage problems. I do want him to leave my brother's house and have agreed to let him do this current job for another 2 months. My plan was that he and I try to restore and renew in that time, then I help him go up to his sister's and leave myself for a while.

 

That was the plan. But now that I've found out that the affair was really an affair, I definitely have reason to rethink that original plan.