Is it possible to stay Friends after A?

[Ducky23]

And you know she treated him poorly and took him for granted how?

 

You have missed parts of the story. I know this because I kinda live with them part-time..

I'm fully aware of the awful dysfunctional crap that is this A. My biggest issue is getting out without her finding out. I have changed my schedule so that I will be working in my own town for the next two weeks. I know that the situation is crap and that's why I'm unhappy with it. It has blown up and become so much more than what I ever wanted it to be.

You guys keep pointing out my drinking problems, I've been sober for 14 months. I went through therapy due to a severe case of PPD after my youngest son was born and lost my brain. Completely. Which is why I did not have my children. I couldn't function to take care of myself, let alone them. So I sent them to live with their Godmother while I figured out how and worked on getting better. They've been home for about 11 months and we are doing well. My drinking was me self-medicating. I realized that when I went into therapy. And he didn't see any of my weakness until I told him the truth about it 3 months after we met. We were already 'seeing' each other by then. I decided it was best to be honest with him if he was going to carry on whatever it was that we were doing at the time. I have a lot of demons left I guess.. This A is the main one. Tonight I go home and I plan on trying my hardest to go NC. which is why I've changed my work schedule to keep me out of his town. They come to my town every weekend but I know this weekend he will only be stopping long enough to drop her off and then he's going out of the area to visit some old friends. I suppose I have to tell him about my decision to go NC? I can't just start ignoring him and hope he goes away?

[MissBee]

You have missed parts of the story. I know this because I kinda live with them part-time..

I'm fully aware of the awful dysfunctional crap that is this A. My biggest issue is getting out without her finding out. I have changed my schedule so that I will be working in my own town for the next two weeks. I know that the situation is crap and that's why I'm unhappy with it. It has blown up and become so much more than what I ever wanted it to be.

You guys keep pointing out my drinking problems, I've been sober for 14 months. I went through therapy due to a severe case of PPD after my youngest son was born and lost my brain. Completely. Which is why I did not have my children. I couldn't function to take care of myself, let alone them. So I sent them to live with their Godmother while I figured out how and worked on getting better. They've been home for about 11 months and we are doing well. My drinking was me self-medicating. I realized that when I went into therapy. And he didn't see any of my weakness until I told him the truth about it 3 months after we met. We were already 'seeing' each other by then. I decided it was best to be honest with him if he was going to carry on whatever it was that we were doing at the time. I have a lot of demons left I guess.. This A is the main one. Tonight I go home and I plan on trying my hardest to go NC. which is why I've changed my work schedule to keep me out of his town. They come to my town every weekend but I know this weekend he will only be stopping long enough to drop her off and then he's going out of the area to visit some old friends. I suppose I have to tell him about my decision to go NC? I can't just start ignoring him and hope he goes away?

 

It's great that you're getting things under control after all that happened, and it's good that you're realizing the A is not helping towards that end. For the record, sensing someone's vulnerability and weakness is just that...sensing it. He doesn't have to know your story to sense that. Haven't you ever been able to sense and tell things about a person without them actually telling their story? I have. Some people are better at this than others, and even still, sometimes we gravitate towards people and have no idea why but it's because of the vibe they're giving off...be it a good vibe or an unhealthy one.

 

Yes you should tell him you think it's best to end the A and that you'll be going NC and working in your own town.That may make the NC process go more smoothly.

[Ducky23]

Thanks Bee, my realization has been a long time coming. He knows I'm unhappy. He just tells me 'the end is near, I just need you to bear with me.' and then I believe him. And it starts all over again. This is what makes me nervous about telling him of my intentions to go NC. I'm usually the first one to contact him on any given day, but it isn't unusual for me to not text for a few days. How do you go about IGNORING it if they try to contact you? BPD causes me to be impulsive at times, and I've gone through EMDR (for PTSD) and DBT, but sometimes it catches me off guard and I don't have time to react. Controlling my reaction to situations is still new to me. But, just like getting sober, I think it will help me if I have a game plan in place BEFORE I'm stuck in the situation, that way I have something to reference..

[MissBee]

Thanks Bee, my realization has been a long time coming. He knows I'm unhappy. He just tells me 'the end is near, I just need you to bear with me.' and then I believe him. And it starts all over again. This is what makes me nervous about telling him of my intentions to go NC. I'm usually the first one to contact him on any given day, but it isn't unusual for me to not text for a few days. How do you go about IGNORING it if they try to contact you? BPD causes me to be impulsive at times, and I've gone through EMDR (for PTSD) and DBT, but sometimes it catches me off guard and I don't have time to react. Controlling my reaction to situations is still new to me. But, just like getting sober, I think it will help me if I have a game plan in place BEFORE I'm stuck in the situation, that way I have something to reference..

 

Even for people without BPD it's difficult to maintain NC and to not respond when the person reaches out.If you have no self control to just ignore, I'd suggest blocking his calls/texts if there is a way you can do that on your phone. Blocking his emails and other avenues in which he could contact you. Let him know you'd like to fall off the earth for a while and go ahead and do just that by blocking the venues that he can use to get in touch with you. Tell him you want to focus on your kids, your job and your emotional health and you need time to get over him and the A, so you need lots of alone time and you're not going to contact him and won't respond to his contact and would appreciate if he would understand and respect that. Then go ahead and block him after that point. This will help you to gain control and to see how NC feels without the added stress of having to ignore his contact.

[Ducky23]

My MM and I talked a lot tonight, over dinner and still more over coffee. I got off work and from there we spent upwards of 5 hours talking. I've been dropping hints for a while about breaking things off and last night I made a comment about how LS treats A's as an addiction. I never told him I posted or the actual name of the site, simply that it was something I had come across online and found interesting. The comment I made was about NC. Trying to feel out his reaction mostly.. He replied with 'that's good. That's how it should be. When you break up, that's it, it's over. People shouldn't dwell on it and make it harder. Move on and get over it.' I can't say I was shocked, because he's always been this blunt and forward about all things. Tonight while we were talking, honestly I was looking for a reason to stay. He's been my confidante for so long that letting go and 'getting over it' probably won't be easy. He told me that if I'm to run off and disappear and am gone for months and months and I make no move to let him know I still want him in my life then once he leaves his W there is, yes, a high possibility that he will move on to find another woman, since I will have proven that I'm over him. He says that if that's what I choose and I follow through then he will believe that there is nothing left for him with me, and he will do the same. Our conversation was cut short because of her incessant calling and it was late and she thought I was already home, and I did need to go. So I never got to the truth behind my questions and our conversation. Tomorrow night he comes to town and has promised we can resume our convo then since she asked me for 'her' night (he just got home from 3 weeks in the field on Sunday and they haven't had a night alone. I saw him during that 3 weeks, she didn't. She doesn't know that).

So my conclusions are this: A) he's open to the idea of NC if that's what I choose. He isn't asking me to stay and he understands how I feel. B) I'm still not who I set out to be when I entered therapy 14 months ago. C) I quit therapy too early, believing I was better. D) I'm still sick. I'm not better. And there's way more than the A going on in my life. And finally, E) I will commit to NC after we clear the air tomorrow night. And I am going to make an appointment with my therapist after the weekend.

All of these things are hard for me. For those of you who know about BPD, you will probably understand why. I have already sent an email to my supervisor explaining that I need a break in my in-store hours and will be working more from home than going out in the field. I have already spoken with and chosen the woman who will replace me during this time for the work I usually do in his town. She is the only one I trust in the area to do my job as well as I do. Also, someone mentioned a change in jobs. Mine is not a job, it is a career. It is something that consumes my life. I am lucky that I have the option of choosing the hours I work, building my own schedule, and have the freedom to have my children with me while I'm working in most situations. I am very good friends with my local managers and we have a very close working relationship.

Which brings me to my next obstacle. I love my job. I have never been happier with employment of any sort. I have never been given this amount of freedom by an employer. In the last 4 months I have turned down 6 job offers in 3 different towns by 5 different stores and 6 different managers. Because of the loss of the freedom afforded me and the pay difference between my job and theirs. One town was his. One was mine. And one was in-between. Tomorrow when I go to work I will speak to the manager I'm closest with (he's been begging me to work for him) in my own town. And see what he has to offer. If he's willing to meet my terms, I may very well accept his offer. I know that talk is cheap and saying all of these things means nothing if I don't follow through. But I truly and honestly believe it may be the best move for me at this exact point in my life. I needed to write it down because I have nobody to tell. I needed someone to know. Because I will need help. Pride has always been my downfall and asking for help has always been difficult. But that is what I'm doing. This will be hard and I know that I will somewhere safe to talk and vent and record my progress. Somewhere I will be held accountable for my actions and, I believe, be given a hand when I fall backward on my *** and become lost. I don't have a support system out here. My MM made up 1/4 of the people I speak with regularly outside of work. Of the other 3, one is the friend he wanted to hook me up with before the A started. One is his wife. And one is my only friend who knows about the whole messed up situation. sorry this took so long to write up. Thank you to everyone who has had a say in my situation, it has definitely helped me concrete in my mind that I am not wrong and the A is unhealthy.

[skywriter]

Ducky,

 

I am so proud of you for searching deep within yourself and admitting to yourself that you are so much better than this.

 

You have choices and you made a choice to love yourself and that took strength for you to put your needs above his.

 

It's gonna be hard, there will triggers, you're gonna miss the routine you two have. You just gotta hold on and ride it all out.

 

This is what I'm doing and it's been 6 wks of no contact. For me, if I am honest with myself, aside from being sad about it all, it's as if so much burden is gradually being lifted.

 

Sure there are hard parts, but the good outweighs it, in the end. I'm getting back to my old self, because I lost myself in the A.

Edited June 22, 2012 by skywriter