Is It My Insecure Thinking Or Is It Really Happening

[SIDETRACK]

Hello I am new here and deperately in need of advice.I am with a man,been together for two years and 7 months we have a baby girl together and things are rocky between us lately.Alot of different reasons why we are always fighting, we cannot seem to say anything nice to one another. i think part of my reason for being so uptight is the thought that he has cheated and will cheat on me.I'll explain why.....

 

My bf is 50 years old and i am 25 I am american and he is mexican. We have been together almost 3 years and have a daughter together, i to also have another child age6 and he also has two daughters ages 26 and 28. anyway the 36 year old daughter is now staying with us until she finds a place. we are pretty much the same age, so they have friends the same age and the all like my bf, but sometimes i feel alittle to much and I get jealous sometimes a little to jealous - it makes me frustrated to be so obsessed or overpossesive.

 

My reasons to feel this way are #1.all these girls say they look up to him like a father and like to talk to him.#2.There is one he gives money to,because she crys and i ask him why he says the kids, she has 3.and he doesnt expect to paid back,my thoughts on this is why? #3.Also one night we had been fighting and i was asleep and she had come over to "talk" and they decided to go to her place and he was with her for 9 hours. what they did i wonder and she says he is like a father and she would never do anything with him. supposably she was his friend before his daughters and I have no evidence to say he is cheating maybe he is smart or maybe he really isnt cheating i dont know,but we always fight about it. that is making him not want to be around me.

 

My insecurities also are art of the problem. see i was in a relationship 4 monthe before i met him and we split up because he-my ex cheated on me . and we had a good relationship 4 years we were best friends and did everything together and i always said he would never cheat on me .i really put life on that.I swore he would not hurt me like that. but he did i was devestated. to add to this i could not forgive him because it was in face all the time Reason: he was 29 years old and cheated on me with his dads wifes daughter(So his Stepsister) i had to leave i was humilated and hurt a million emotions i felt all at the same time to add to it she was only16. so i know that this plays a big part of my insecure thoughts but i need someone to please give me more input so i figure this thing out.

[supermom]

he was 29 years old and cheated on me with his dads wifes daughter(So his Stepsister) i had to leave i was humilated and hurt a million emotions i felt all at the same time to add to it she was only16.

 

OMG: My husband is 30 now but when he was 28 he cheated on me with a 16 year old!!

 

I am still upset and just found out this feb, but it happened 2 years ago 4TH OF JULY! So I think that holiday sucks a bit because of that.

 

I was preg, staying in AZ while he and my dad when to Idaho to get baby stuff from my mom. I imagine them all lovey dovey looking at the fireworks while I was alone and preg w/ nothing to really do. ( We had alot of fires that year, they didn't even DO fireworks).

 

There is one he gives money to,because she crys and i ask him why he says the kids, she has 3.and he doesnt expect to paid back,my thoughts on this is why? #3.Also one night we had been fighting and i was asleep and she had come over to "talk" and they decided to go to her place and he was with her for 9 hours. what they did i wonder and she says he is like a father and she would never do anything with him.

 

Did you ask him? Did you call over there? Maybe they had to pay bills, or whatever but I would of definetly asked him.

 

His daughters are your age. Do they have a problem with that? Do you trust these girls.. Do you trust your bf? Does your age difference pose a problem sometimes? Since you are the same age as his daughters, does he treat you like a kid?

 

Let me know so I can help you more.....

 

Regarding our similar situation....I hate the fact that 16!! OMG wtf read my post and see if it is similar....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t32729/

 

write back or pm me....

 

Supermom

[StartingAgain]

I see a number of problems here and none of them have to do with your man, but rather, you.

 

1. This man at 50 is too old for you. I'd venture that a woman can take a man who is 20 years older than her without much problems. But 20 years age difference is the outside limit. for example a 35 year old wman and a 55 year old man are a reasonably good match. Older men are more settled, wiser and tend to treat their women better than younger ones. Don't flame me younger guys; I know most of you treat your women just fine, but this is what *women* have told me. But you are only 25 and barely out of your girlhood. there is much about this man you simply do not have the life experience to understand.

 

2. You are comparing this man to your cheating ex. This is not good. I don't read much in your post to suggest that your man is being anything more than kind. I'm with you that his going to a girls house after you had gone to sleep and remaining nine hours is a tad suspicious. But it isn't conclusive. What bothers me is that the two of you can't seem to talk this out. Maybe there was a good reason that had nothing to do with sex.

 

3. You see these girls as competition because they are the same age as you and you know for a fact that your man likes women much younger than himself.

 

4. Why are you arguing all the time? I know you say tha there are a number of reasones, but I'd bet money that there is really only one or two. Most couples fight for reasons that have nothing to do with the matter at hand. Usually, the outside observer can watch a couple fight and immediately understand that there is something else going on, since what they are fighting about is no something that they should ever fight about. Could it be that you are so jealous that you have become hostile and he is reacting to your hostility with hostility?

 

You may be correct in your suspicion that this man is cheating on you. but he may not be. However, when a woman gets it through her head that her man is doing wrong, it usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

I think the two of you need some help. If you didn't have a child together, I'd say that the age difference alone is enough to consider ending the relationship. But the child takes precedence now and the two of you need to work through this if at all possible. Get some professional help.

[SIDETRACK]

QUOTE

1. This man at 50 is too old for you. I'd venture that a woman can take a man who is 20 years older than her without much problems. But 20 years age difference is the outside limit. for example a 35 year old woman and a 55 year old man are a reasonably good match. [

I do not understand your point here, why is 25 years age difference matter. I get questioned about this often and you know what i tell people when they ask, you can not help who you fall in love with and you can help the feelings you feel for someone. age is only a number. Are you saying forget happiness and love because we are 25 years apart? Just because we argue and have our disagreements.Every relationship has its ups and downs ,this does not mean we do not love each other. My love towards him is unconditional regardless of age or race.

I know most of you treat your women just fine, but this is what *women* have told me. But you are only 25 and barely out of your girl-hood. there is much about this man you simply do not have the life experience to understand.

girl-hood? again what does age have to do with anything I may be only 25 but I have been though things in my life that most people never experience in the total existence on this earth, sorry you can take this how you want; you do not know what my "life experience" has been like. I know that everyone has tough times, but you can not judge a persons life experience on age, but rather things they have experienced. after all it is life experience and not age experience. does anyone understand what I am trying to say here. so forgive me if I disagree, but I cant seem to see you logic in this whole theory.

You are comparing this man to your cheating ex

If it seemed like I was comparing him to my ex I certainly wasn't. have you ever been cheated on? if you have can you honestly say that you do not get nervous about the same thing happening.I think it would only be natural to feel some type of insecurity. I felt not good enough, for whatever reason.I also feel that jealousy to an certain extent is a healthy part of a relationship. not control overpossesiveness but jealousy. I know that I am very insecure with myself, I never was until I was cheated on. that was all I was saying that my past relationship has scared me, and I feel it hard to trust in future relationships with anyone. just like if you get bit by a dog you don't think the next dog you encounter will make you a little uneasy. I am not trying to compare men to dogs in anyway so please do not get that idea I am just comparing the fact of being hurt and future reactions to it. my reaction I know is different from others or maybe not.

You see these girls as competition because they are the same age as you and you know for a fact that your man likes women much younger than himself.

yes your right I do see these girls as competition, I feel that is only natural, again jealousy not psychotic jealousy I feel is OK in a relationship.if i didn't feel some kind of feeling of jealousy it would make me wonder if i really cared.just my opinion am i deranged or what!!!!!!!!!!

However, when a woman gets it through her head that her man is doing wrong, it usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

and men don't this is very discriminatory. up until i read this I was unsure of your gender but this remark made it very clear.It is not just woman it is anybody who has been given a reason to think this regardless of gender.I am sorry but I may be only 25 but I see that as immature and I feel you have just compared every woman to women in your past relationships. you discriminated all woman and compared your "life experiences" to ones of you own, and how old are you? a little hypocritical??????

[StartingAgain]

'age is only a number"

 

This is not true. Age has everything to do with it. The two of you are from different generations. He's old enough to be your father. At 25, there is no way you can completely understand him. He has a whole lifetime of experiences over you. His view of the world is completely different from yours.

 

I'm saying that someone a bit closer to your own age would be a better match.

 

"girl-hood? again what does age have to do with anything I may be only 25 but I have been though things in my life that most people never experience in the total existence on this earth, sorry you can take this how you want; you do not know what my "life experience" has been like. I know that everyone has tough times, but you can not judge a persons life experience on age, but rather things they have experienced. after all it is life experience and not age experience. does anyone understand what I am trying to say here. so forgive me if I disagree, but I cant seem to see you logic in this whole theory."

 

No one was trying to judge your life experiences. When I was your age I'd been living on my own for nine years. But I was still only 25 years old. I was just starting out on my adult life. I have chanded dramatically in the preceeding 4 years. I changed even more in the next four. You will too. You don't see my logic now, but you will in a few years. I was much like you at your age. I thought I knew it all. I'd been around the block a few times and I had this life thing nailed. I didn't.

 

"If it seemed like I was comparing him to my ex I certainly wasn't. have you ever been cheated on? if you have can you honestly say that you do not get nervous about the same thing happening.I think it would only be natural to feel some type of insecurity. "

 

You are comparing your current man to your ex. You wrote:

 

"My insecurities also are art of the problem. see i was in a relationship 4 monthe before i met him and we split up because he-my ex cheated on me . and we had a good relationship 4 years we were best friends and did everything together and i always said he would never cheat on me .i really put life on that.I swore he would not hurt me like that. but he did i was devestated. to add to this i could not forgive him because it was in face all the time Reason: he was 29 years old and cheated on me with his dads wifes daughter(So his Stepsister) i had to leave i was humilated and hurt a million emotions i felt all at the same time to add to it she was only16. so i know that this plays a big part of my insecure thoughts but i need someone to please give me more input so i figure this thing out."

 

You never forgave your previous man for cheating on you. You are insecure. You now suspect your new man and feel it necessary to voice these concerns within the context of your experience with the other man. This is an indirect comparison that shows us how you are thinking.

 

Yes I have been cheated on; my ex cheated on me. That has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone in my life now or in the future. I can think this way because I forced myself to forgive my ex. If I hadn't done this, I would be suffering from the same insecurities that you are now experiencing.

 

"if i didn't feel some kind of feeling of jealousy it would make me wonder if i really cared"

 

Another popular, but completely flawed idea. Those who feel secure in their relationship with someone never need to feel jealous. I dn't know where the idea that jealosy is a good emotion came from, but it isn't. It is an negative emotion, which like anger and hatred, is to be mastered. My ex had many male friends. I was never jealous of any of those relationships. When I found out she was having an affair, I did begin to feel jealousy. But I understood that this emotion would cloud my judgment and make it difficult for me to deal with the crisis rationally and effectively. So I mastered it and didn't allow myself to sink into it's chaos.

 

"and men don't this is very discriminatory. up until i read this I was unsure of your gender but this remark made it very clear.It is not just woman it is anybody who has been given a reason to think this regardless of gender.I am sorry but I may be only 25 but I see that as immature and I feel you have just compared every woman to women in your past relationships. you discriminated all woman and compared your "life experiences" to ones of you own, and how old are you? a little hypocritical??????"

 

How you got that I was being discriminatory toward women is a mystery. I was not trying to say that only women do this, but I was addressing a woman. Once again, you are demonstrating your insecurity. You took umbrage to something I wrote when there was no reason to do so. You completely skirted the point. You are allowing your insecurities to influence the way you think about your man and the way you behave. If he is innocent, your suspicions will drive a wedge between you. You will push him away, and he probably will go to someone else.

 

You call me hypocritical. You call me immature. I'm 47 years old and far from immature. I have never once compared one woman to another, but approach each individual as an individual, deserving of unique consideration. You came here asking for advice and I gave you good, honest advice. You didn't like the message, so you attacked the messanger -- and you call me immature.

[CurlyIam]

Also one night we had been fighting and i was asleep and she had come over to "talk" and they decided to go to her place and he was with her for 9 hours.

 

What?!? You mean to tell me he came back home and found all his clothes on the sheves, not in the middle of the street where they desirved to be?

 

He may not even have touched her, but he:

 

A. let her in the hose when you were asleep

B. talked to her when you were not there

C. gone to her place in the middle of the night, behind your back

D. stayed there for 9 hours!

 

 

Honey, I sooo guarantee you they f*cked like rabits! YES, HE WAS CHEATING !!!!!!!!!! you have every right to believe this!

 

 

what they did i wonder and she says he is like a father and she would never do anything with him.

 

Children have respect for their parents and for their marriage!

 

supposably she was his friend before his daughters and I have no evidence to say he is cheating maybe he is smart or maybe he really isnt cheating i dont know,but we always fight about it. that is making him not want to be around me.

 

What do you want, ADN proves? girl, you have the facts! I cannot imagine you taking him back! Tell him to find himself another "tender flash" tourment with his irresponsable behaviour! Staying with this kind of man? And you're wondering if he has cheated... how old you said you were? This man is playing you like a doll!

 

I'm 24 and I'm not afraid to look at things like they are. He disrespected you as a woman, he disrespected your relationship, he put a stranger before you as a couple, I have no difficulty in jumping to the conclusion that considering what I've said before, he most definately has cheated.

 

 

 

When I was in highschool, there were these saying we used to laugh at, like things never to believe. there they are:

 

1. Lend me 10 bucks, I'll return them tomorrow.

2. Starting tomorrow, I'll never eat French fries

3. I'll start studying tomorrow.

3. Take off your clothes, I won't do anything to you

4. I am taking off my clothes but I'm a virgin.

 

I think your partner's "story" can definately be number 5!