Heartbroken

[cheeks]

I am new to this site. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. When we first were together I was still married as well but my marriage had fallen apart. My boyfriend claimed the same but could not leave because of the kids. He stayed w/ me every other nite and weekend for a 1 1/2. It was very hard for me during that time but he was very supportive and that is how I made it through. He told me she knew about me. I would see him and his kids, he always showed affection to me in front of them. He told me he went through the talk w/ them about him and mommy not being "in love " anymore but that they still loved them . They knew I was their daddys girlfriend. I never doubted his love for me, and I never belived or worried that he was still w/ his wife while he still lived there. He was with ME everyother nite and weekend and then when he left EVERY NIGHT! Every night except for a few nights here and there when we would fight (because of his mood swings)and he claimed to be staying at his parents vacation house. Oh did I mention I never met any of his family? Dummy. He said he had no relationship w/ them. His ex did. I was very insecure as well but just thought it was resentment from the 1 1/2 of hell.

 

Well, yesterday I was dumped. He called meat dinner time w/ his wife on three way calling. ( I had breakfast w/ him that morning and was on the phone several times during the day) She said she just found out and knew nothing about me and he proceeded to tell me (in a very strange voice) that he does not love me, it was just physical and he misses his kids and his wife. She said he has been lying to both of us. He told her he had a second job. This man was living w/ me. I am so confused and he wont talk to me. He just said later w/o her on the line that he cant explain right now. I am a wreck. We had planned on marrying and having children. He was also my best friend. This has killed me. I regret it all . I love him so much and am just so confused. I thought the pain was over. Now I am the fool. I feel dead.

[supermom]

Does his wife know he was living with you? I think she should. I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

You know, please do not take him back because he's bound to do it again! You do not deserve that treatment at all!

 

Consider him cheating on you, cuz thats what it sounds like anyway.

 

Good luck moving on! keep us posted.

[cheeks]

Thanks, yes she does know now. She thought I was just a friend. He was lying to both of us. He told her he had a night job. IN A HOSPITAL ( no cell phone service). Real smart. I may have been fooled but even I wouldn't have gone for that one. I feel cheated on, I feel violated. He told me "their" house was for sale and she bought a new one closer to her family and that they were going through the divorce process. She told me he would go home for a few hours during the day to be w/ thekids and then to "be with her". He actually just admitted this was true to me tonight. He has answered a few of my pleas for some kind of an explanation through text messages and 1 brief phone call. He says he cant explain right now. Like he doesnt know why. It was easier believing that she was just lying about it to save her marriage. I just can not believe he was able to get away with this. She ontop of all this had empathy for me! I can not even begin to try to understand what she must be going through. I think I am a good person but I am absolutely numb. Hysterical one minute, numb the next. I did not deserve this. I just have to believe there are better days ahead. But I thought he was the "1".

[leilab]

I can totally relate to you (you can read my post under leilab) - he was truly living a double life. Yesterday I read something that I want to pass along to you.

 

It is the fact that the MM was never COMMITTED to you; he was committed to her all this time. Except you did not know it. Right now you feel totally abandoned and lost - as you said dead - but really he never abandoned you because he was never committed. That is the difference between you and him.

 

I know this is hard to let in but I have come to realize we as OW knew that our MM lied to their wives. However, because of our relationship with them, we believed they were honest with us. That is a total joke. MM is a habitual liar. He has to be - because how else can they continue to have two lives and be quite happy with it.

 

But when push comes to shove (and I think your MM told you the truth that you do not know the whole story) he will stick his tail between his leg and head for the barn. In my case and in yours, he has no guts - letting his wife clue you in - in my case keeping me in the dark for three weeks and then dumping me on the phone with his wife probably listening in.

 

This is so hard for you - but thank god for the fact that you had no kids - that is usually the hardest part. Sometimes you will feel like you are dying, and most of the time you will be in utter shock, pain and then anger. You just have to keep breathing...take one day at a time and realize that you have lost this very important person in your life. And you need to go through the grieving process.

 

But he was not at all what you were in love with. He was a fantasy - not at all the real thing.

 

For me it has been almost 4 months now since my phone call when he dumped me. I still don't understand - but it does not matter anymore why, or how. All that matters is that it did happen and he completely dropped out of my life. And I have to go on with my life ---WITHOUT him. Whether I like it or not. I really have no choice in the matter. But it is getting better and I am optimistic of the future.

 

All the OW here on LS understand and know what you are going through. We will offer our individual support to help you through this.

 

Welcome to LS cheeks -

[cheeks]

Thank you so much( i am sobbing). I feel so lost, but just knowing others understand and have been through the same helps ALOT. Ofcourse my mother ran right over to my houselast night, thankfully,( i have a 4 1/2 yr old son from my previous marriage) It was so hard to keep myself together for him. He knows now that the JO will not be living here anymore.He was happy. I guess he could see how unhappy I have been lately. I thought I did a pretty good job at hiding it.

[Mr Spock]

That is a horrible, horrible betrayal. Disgusting. I feel for you. You must be going through some HORRIBLE shock and grief. To me, that borders on bigamy. How could someone be so duplicit? I'm not sure......

[leilab]

It's amazing to me how our stories all have so many itmes in common. And how the MM do have a tendancy to say and do the same things.

 

"He says he cant explain right now. Like he doesnt know why."

 

That is exactly what my MM said to me over and over. He was totally confused and unable to think clearly. And in this total confusion they grab on to the one thing they know - their security blanket- Which in their case is their marriage, house, etc.. whatever goes with that.

 

They just did not clue the OW in of what was really going on. I still wonder if my MM every woke up and found clarity. Or whether he did what he originally told me, which is "I want to just go and crawl under my rock again" and "I wish I could just go into the mountains and be by myself for a month".

 

I can tell you that coming to this forum has helped me a lot. Just because I feel that I am part of a much larger group - it is very healing to hear everyone's story and know exactly how they are feelilng - and belong to that support group. It has helped more than the counseling or reading or anything else.

 

And I have learned to ignore the comments from others that just do not understand.

 

But please don't call or write him anymore. It will keep you in this "sick feeling" much longer. You need to cut the ties completely and let him go. You need time to grive and let the fog lift. Like I was telling you it has been 4 months and I still think about him every day but the thoughts are becoming different and I can at least breathe and make it through my day.

 

Right now just focus on the basic necessities of life: eating, sleeping and most of all taking care of your child. That child will be the source of your strength. Because that is truly a person that loves you 100% - no doubt, always and forever. And vice versa.

 

Be good cheeks.

[Debster]

Yikes, I just responded to another post where the MM was leading a double life. You might want to check it out.

 

You did go into this relationship with your eyes open. You knew he was married.

You just ended up taking him on his word that he was on his way out. You trusted him.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. Try to take this as a learning experience.

[cheeks]

I really appreciate the support I have received. I did go in with my eyes open, I trusted him. I never doubted him. He was my strength. We planned on a life together, children, everything. I have since talked with him, and ofcourse he said he has a problem. He is seeing a shrink and on medication for a problem he says he has had since childhood. He was hiding behind me. Trying to have a life with me he really couldn't because he pushes everyone away that trys to come too close. Sound pretty pathertic to me as I am writting this, but it made sense when I heard him saying it. Maybe it just felt better to hear him say he really wanted to be with me but couldn't because of his kids. I dont know. I am still so lost. He said his x( I have to call her that, thats what she ALWAYS was to me) was keeping his kids from him, which I did know to be true, I just didn't know why at the time. It has been almost a week and I am still hurting worse than I ever have in my whole 30yrs. I am definately done, but just can not come to grips with the fact that the life I had a week ago, a best friend, companion, lover, father of the children I dreamed of having is gone......I still cannot look in the mirror, I dont recognize my own face. Who am I now? This sucks...........

[leilab]

I know exactly what you are saying. One day you have a friend, lover, and a life together - everything is in perfect order and a week later it is all gone. Just like smoke. You see it - then you don't. I wish I could tell you that the pain will get better - but I am not sure.

 

I think that it depends on how deep your feelings run for him. After reading many, many of the posts here, the feelings about our MM vary a lot. If this was merely an infatuation, time will heal you - that is the good new. But if he rang your bell - then time will not do much for you I think. I read a saying that goes something like this:

 

"Wind is to fire as absence is to love. It extinguishes the weak, but kindles the great."

 

I am happy for you that he could at least talk to you somewhat and tell you what is going on with him. That is more than mine could do for me - and by the way he has the same issue about getting close to people (he told me that whenever he got close to someone they died) - and he was also seeing a shrink at the time he left me.

 

And my MM had the same issue with his son - guilt, and fear or failure.

 

Regardless, THEIR ISSUES were more important than how they feel about us. And we have no way to change it - so we must accept it. No way around that.

[ICantStopLovinHim]

I truly am one who knows what you are going through......and i hope things are different for you than they are for me. I started my relationship with my MM 4 years ago. And i was the one who ended it almost two years ago I have found a wonderfull man who loves me and we started a family, but in all that i cant let the MM go. Not a day goes by that he isnt in my mind even if there isnt a single reminder of him in my sight he is forever in my heart I think that does not fade......I hope you can recover from this pain better than I am. I think the worse thing for me is thinking if I didnt leave him....would he have eventually left her? that is what he told me when he heard i was having a baby...that hurt like no pain i ever felt...he said you should have waited for me then the baby your having could have been mine......again im, sorry for what you are going through.....take it from me it will be hard.....but you will be ok

[Ms. U]

I sympathize with you for your pain, and I honestly hope that you get through this with dignity.

 

I think the deeper issue in this entire situation was the last sentence of your entry. You said that you feel dead. Before you can figure out any of this chaos and before you can even begin to understand why he did this to you, you have to first figure out why being without this man makes you feel DEAD.

 

That statement alone says that you lost your own sense of self while in this relationship. And honestly, where did you think that he was on the "other nights" that he wasn't with you? You had no idea? Or were you just deluding yourself? He may have cared about you, brought his kids around and may have genuinely loved you. Just not enough to leave his wife.

 

He was wrong for what he did if he had you under the impression that he was going to marry you. However, it seems as if you were living this relationship looking through rose colored glasses.

 

You should try and build up your self esteem and stop looking at things for what you want them to be and see them for who they actually are.

[cheeks]

i miss him. well, who i thought he was. it is so crazy. he is crazy. how could he look me in the eyes and lie to me for 2 years? he has got to be totally out of mind. how does any human being do something like this? and i loved that person? how did i not know? he said there was no way i could have. pretty confident huh. i think about it now, after almost 2 weeks, and i guess my head is starting to clear a bit, but still am asking why. how could he do this? i wasnt an ow during our relationship. i was now that i know he was lying. he has already appologized and said i was the victim in all this. he said nobody knows him better than i do and that he needs my help working with the doctors. he started to tell me some stories from the sessions and asked me questions about his behavior while with me. i (stupidly) gave my input but then told him that i cant help him and even think about trying to rebuild a friendship let alone a relationship with him again unless she is out of his life. he said even just my friendship was more important to him than her. but he said he cant risk her keeping his kids from him. but he hoped for us and that when he gets his **** together he hopes i wont be too far gone. BULL**** !! i'm already gone. i hate him.i hate him. i hate her too. she knew. she f*%&$@# knew. i didnt . i guess im entering the anger phase. oh joy....

[yogurtu]

Originally posted by cheeks

He said his x( I have to call her that, thats what she ALWAYS was to me) was keeping his kids from him, which I did know to be true, I just didn't know why at the time. It has been almost a week and I am still hurting worse than I ever have in my whole 30yrs. I am definately done, but just can not come to grips with the fact that the life I had a week ago, a best friend, companion, lover, father of the children I dreamed of having is gone......I still cannot look in the mirror, I dont recognize my own face. Who am I now? This sucks...........

 

Cheeks, I am so sorry you are going though this awful ordeal. Your MM was really sick, the worst of liars, but I would like to say that there is no affair without lies; all MMs have to tell some lies to keep both the wife and the OW; it's as simple as that. So we're all liars, big or small, and we lie to everyone at some point. However, I am pretty sure I have not lied to my OW yet, although I have lied through my teeth to my wife. By breaking off with my OW I won't have to start lying to her, and I have stopped lying to my wife and family. I can't live like this anymore. I hope your pain recedes soon, you deserve to heal your wounds.

 

Yogurtu

[kiababy]

So we're all liars, big or small, and we lie to everyone at some point. However, I am pretty sure I have not lied to my OW yet, although I have lied through my teeth to my wife.

 

I was thinking about that statement - I don't think my MM has lied to me yet, he's been upfront about all the women he's slept with and even admitted 'cheating' on me recently. He said I'm the only person - not just woman, that he's never lied to.

 

He also told me he never feels guilty about being with me - was there ever a time when you did not feel guilty about your affair?

[moodyblues]

Cheeks, what you are going through sucks a$$. I can't even imagine what you need at this moment, but I would like to poke a big freaking hole in that man's story.

 

Pretty much ALL mental disorders that require drugs come about during late adolescence (like 18+) and NOT during childhood. This man's manipulation techniques are impressive. He's telling you that you are the real victim here while playing his "You are the only one that can help me" routine. Obviously, he has had a lot of practice.

 

Also, when it comes to his kids, they are going to fully realize one day that their daddy BLATANTLY cheated on their mother in front of them. Now, if the wife truly didn't know and he was affectionate to you in front of the children, think about what he told them to make sure they didn't say anything in front of their mother. Also, it's been my experience that if the mom is trying to keep the dad from seeing the kids, there is typically a good reason for it.

[shortbus74]

cheeks.... this man must be something else..............I cannot even keep up with my one life right now...

 

it will get better over time.... good luck......and stay strong....

[cheeks]

[color=green][[font=courier new]quote]Before you can figure out any of this chaos and before you can even begin to understand why he did this to you, you have to first figure out why being without this man makes you feel DEAD.

 

That statement alone says that you lost your own sense of self while in this relationship. And honestly, where did you think that he was on the "other nights" that he wasn't with you? You had no idea? Or were you just deluding yourself? He may have cared about you, brought his kids around and may have genuinely loved you. Just not enough to leave his wife

[/font][/color]

 

 

 

I think I feel dead because he was such a huge part of my life. We planned on marrying and having children. He was also my best friend. It is like he died and I have no funeral to go to. Right now it also is like the life I thought I had died. He told me he was in the middle of his divorce. Their house was for sale but she was dragging it out because she was having a house built near her family. It made sense. He even went through and told me what they were dividing and what he would be paying her in child support and so on.

 

When he was still living there he told me he had the spare bedroom. I hated it and he knew it but I believed him. It may sound stupid and obvious, but it really wasn't. I guess that is always the risk you take when you just trust someone with all of your heart. You need trust in a relationship. I never thought another human being could hurt another like this. I was so naive. He knew I wanted no part of breaking up a marriage. He told me from the very beginning that he and his wife had been seperated(living in the same house) for 2 years. Had occationally sleep together out of loneliness, but had not been together for 4 months before we started our relationship. You would have to meet this guy to understand. He was a stand up guy, very well respected at work and by friends. He totally blew me away w/ this.

 

He was w/ me every other night and every other weekend for the first year and 1/2 of our relationship. He did finally move out (well now I know he didn't) and was living w/ me full time for the last 8 months. He was a friend of mine even before we were together. I had such a strong trust for this man. I NEVER thought he was still with her. I just hated the fact he was still there. I swear looking back there were no signs. He is a master manipulator. It is very scary to think about. It really makes me feel dirty. I truly honestly unconditionally loved this man. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust another person again. I feel like he stole the best part of me.

[leilab]

Kiababy - I wanted to respond to your question of guilt. Not once did I ever feel guilty about being with my MM. I truly believed that we were meant to be together. That someone that would return to me after 7 years belonged to me and I trusted in his words and how he felt 100%. There was not ANY DOUBT in my mind. I think that is why I am still in shock. I thought the level of connection between us was past anything "real" - it transcended past anything I have ever experienced.

 

 

Cheeks - I see that you have progressed to the anger stage. I think that is great - AND I think that it's good that you MM at least has the guts to call and talk to you. That way you have gotten some insight into what this relationship with him was all about. And it will allow you to put closure on it. You sound so resolved - I admire you for that - this was a terrible discovery for you and you are coming through this very well.

[yogurtu]

Originally posted by kiababy

 

 

I was thinking about that statement - I don't think my MM has lied to me yet, he's been upfront about all the women he's slept with and even admitted 'cheating' on me recently. He said I'm the only person - not just woman, that he's never lied to.

 

He also told me he never feels guilty about being with me - was there ever a time when you did not feel guilty about your affair?

 

No, never. That's why I broke it off.

Yogurtu

[Liss77]

Cheeks,

I can relate with u 110%. read my saga under please help me. I know what u feel and how betrayed u feel. u can't even picture them having another life cause u thought u WERE there life. I am here if u need me i too need a shoulder.

 

Stay strong, think big, and make your child the 1st priority always......

 

Liss

[VivianLee]

I don't think my MM has lied to me yet, he's been upfront about all the women he's slept with and even admitted 'cheating' on me recently. He said I'm the only person - not just woman, that he's never lied to.

 

Dang gal, you've got it some kinda bad for this guy!! I've kept up with things about you and your MM and I won't lie, I've been freaked out at times but then again, I do understand that type of "being out of control" feeling that an affair gives you. You have described yourself as successful, attractive and intelligent......I believe that however, he's bringing you down so fast....this statement I've quoted of yours, shows how low he's brought you. You think he's honest with you and you actually feel like he proves it by telling you he cheated on you recently....Kia, don't you think you are worth more than that or this relationship?? What's going to be left of you when he's done?

[kiababy]

I don't know what will be left, that's why I'm here. When I started posting in May I think I still could have left, no problem. Now, I'm so hooked on him and tangled up in this relationship I can't even think straight. It's like he has some kind of, power, or control over me. He keeps very close tabs on me now, constantly telling me how much he needs me and how much I mean to him - in every single conversation. I need that. Especially now, when I'm about to be laid off from my job. What a disaster. There is NO WAY I can be without him right now.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by kiababy

I don't know what will be left, that's why I'm here. When I started posting in May I think I still could have left, no problem. Now, I'm so hooked on him and tangled up in this relationship I can't even think straight. It's like he has some kind of, power, or control over me. He keeps very close tabs on me now, constantly telling me how much he needs me and how much I mean to him - in every single conversation. I need that. Especially now, when I'm about to be laid off from my job. What a disaster. There is NO WAY I can be without him right now.

 

 

OH NO!! You're scaring me!!

 

 

If you'd never met him and got laid off, think of how you would have dealt with it. Having a man in your life didn't help you get the job or be the intelligent person to snag the job in the first place....especially not this guy!!

 

Think of all the things you have in your life that empowers you. Intelligence, wisdom (that comes with age, that is a good thing). children, health, beauty and people that want you in their lives. Draw strength off of this....You are playing a dangerous game with a boy. He has no idea how to maintain a relationship, he's just good-looking and knows exactly what to say. He probably cares for you some but he is destroying every fabric of your being plus possibly giving you a disease to boot! He has total control over your actions and emotions....yeah in a way that's very romantic and exciting, it's that high we all love and can't get enough of it! YOU NEED REHAB from this guy!! Just as if you have a coke or heroin addiction.

 

Kia, it's going to be worse when you get layed off. You will be less empowered and have more idle time which will be a disaster for you!! Gal, listen to me!! Get thee to a counselor STAT!! PLEASE!! You can get on some delightful meds that make life make a bit more sense (yep they do) and will help you from going into a deep depression plus help you deal with getting this young man out of your life! PLEASE!! You will just be pulled in deeper!!

 

I'm afraid for you!! Hey, we at L.S. will be here for you too! Please try and do this before it gets worse. I'm afraid he'll break your heart into a million pieces!!

[kiababy]

It's O.K. VivianLee, I'm already taking one medication for depression, not a huge dose, just enough to stop the crying spells I used to have a couple of years ago. The last 5 years were filled with sadnes for me. The divorce, my daughter getting pregnant the first time, I found out I had two tumors and had to have a hysterectomy, my daughter got pregnant the second time....and in between her pregnancies she moved out and got mixed up in things that absolutely broke my heart worse than MM ever will.

 

What was happening with her was such a nightmare - there is NO WAY I want to go into it in this forum - that I was left with high blood pressure

 

I had no idea how to rescue her from what she was involved in and had to deal with my mother and her side of the family screaming at me like it was all my fault. Let me say that I lost track of my daughter when I split up with my ex husband not because I was out dating. I was waitressing, working evenings and late into the night while I took computer courses during the day to upgrade my office skills so I could re-enter the work force after being a stay-at-home mom for 7 years.

 

It was at my first office job after that, when I was sitting at my desk crying one day when MM#1 came along and asked me what was wrong. What a 'pretty girl' like me had to cry about. That was the beginning. Fast forward to today...the last few years have been a huge struggle, maybe I have taken the easy way out, falling for the man that gives me the most attention. Yes, I let him pretend to kidnap me, tie me up, lock me in the back of his truck. I'm sure that's what you're referring to when you say you've been 'alarned' by some of my posts. That was only ONE TIME.

 

Now it's just one of those 'what's the craziest thing you've ever done?' stories we'll both tell later on...I've had a sh***y couple of years. I want to feel loved, even for a little while. That's how he makes me feel. Our behaviour is a little out of control but in between the wild stuff are very tender moments and loving words.

 

I haven't felt anything for anyone in a long time, maybe never.

Maybe I like the way I feel more than I like him, I'm not sure. But it's pretty damn easy to feel this way about this gorgeous creature who dotes on me. Strange thing is, I'm single but I can't talk about him to anyone. He's married and talks about me all day. In case you missed the post - he put me on the phone to the guy he works with, I spent 15 minutes confirming the entire relationship.