four years in the making.... read this for hope

[sheithappens]

hey guys, I haven't been on here in a long long time . I use to be in your position looking for a second chance ... don't believe me? read my old threads for 2009

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/200582-a

 

 

so anyways , four years have came and gone and I feel great. my ex finally contacted me on saturday just to say she is sorry and to say that I was right. turns out the guy she started a relationship with after me cheated on her. My process has taken a long time to get to where I am now. I was so desperate and pathetic and I did everything to try to get her back and even got sucked in into doing magik to try to get her back. all that did was made money disappear from my wallet and fill my head with false hopes of her and I getting back together. the thing that helped me out was that i just started living for me. One day I woke up and decided that I wasn't going to live on my knees but die on my legs fighting for my freedom. freedom you ask? well yes, I was a prisoner of my own thoughts and feelings. everything I did or thought somehow included my ex. the thoughts of my ex giving herself to another man made me physically sick. I hated life , it took alot of effort for me to get up everyday, I could not hold a conversation with my friends without bringing her up. I stopped going out so that way there wouldnt be a chance of me seeing her with her new beau. what Im trying to say is THERE IS HOPE, Start living and leave all things in the past. they will work out regardless if its with your ex or someone new. go out and meet new people, hit the gym up, have some drinks with your friends, travel , do anything to keep your mind occupied!

 

sorry for the run on sentences and grammatical errors . I am in a hurry and decided I should post this since loveshack helped me through my darkest of days especially a friend I met on here and still keep in contact with.

 

if you guys need any advice or anything message me or post it on here. Ive been in your position and now I have a different outlook on relationships and life, and thats all thanks to my heartbreak! please read my previous threads. I looked like a complete chump!

 

have a great day! and remember , you are going to get through this regardless of the outcome!

[Phanpooh]

I'm young and i had a question

At begin, i came here for knowledge, which help me on my work and my life.

But then i fell out of bad LDR and i keep using my nickname. i know my ex is stalking at me and i just want her give up on me and help her healing

this is my question, after all sh|t happened, i mean after 4y, how about second-chance? because last time, i heard about real second-chance is a true story.

She cheated on him, cause she felt "something's missing" ( that is GIGS at that day) and she afraid of his "future planing", exactly they break-up thought a reason: they grew together but grow apart and that why they broke-up.

After few years, he met her at a party, and the feeling is back, she asked him for a second-chance later few weeks, he still loved her ( he though) and he wasn't scared to be hurt again. So they was married and quickly have a daughter. everyone think this is good ending? a fairytale? no seriously! after long time then, she love someone else and he found out that "something's missing" so then and again, they broke-up.

She is now happy with new Husband

He is now living unhappily and for him, his daughter is a good ending.

Fair enough? ) Then her new one, took her and that daughter going out of country, and he can't see his daughter anymore...

what is second-chance meaning? and what is "something's missing"?

[sheithappens]

well , a second chance mean exactly what it says. you are getting an opportunity at a failed relationship . I think in order for second chances to work , you need to be apart a long time and have no contact with each other. you need to grow as an individual and find out what exactly you want in a partner. most people (me included) think they need their ex or that he/she is the right one for them. they are blind to their flaws and except any sort of breadcrumbs from them. as in that case, the woman and the man didnt really grow up, or maybe they were blinded from their flaws. sometimes it takes 1,2,3 even 4 times to realize that person is not for you ... besides being stuck on one person keeps you away from other people who might just be right for you.

 

good luck!

[Phanpooh]

For me, when it's over, it mean over

Second-chance = other chance

At begin relationship, i dun need a choice, i need a chance

Running relationship, i dun need chances, i need to work

and when it end, that is when i can't work anymore, and it's always a choice for bothside

 

so i called second-chance is other-chance

for someone, it's perfect and keep their false hope, then build a vivid passion and keep in their mind that, that ex is the one, who they love.

But they also forgot what is love meaning

thanks for your knowledge i'll check your old post tomorrow

[EmergenC]

hey guys, I haven't been on here in a long long time . I use to be in your position looking for a second chance ... don't believe me? read my old threads for 2009

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/200582-a

 

 

so anyways , four years have came and gone and I feel great. my ex finally contacted me on saturday just to say she is sorry and to say that I was right. turns out the guy she started a relationship with after me cheated on her. My process has taken a long time to get to where I am now. I was so desperate and pathetic and I did everything to try to get her back and even got sucked in into doing magik to try to get her back. all that did was made money disappear from my wallet and fill my head with false hopes of her and I getting back together. the thing that helped me out was that i just started living for me. One day I woke up and decided that I wasn't going to live on my knees but die on my legs fighting for my freedom. freedom you ask? well yes, I was a prisoner of my own thoughts and feelings. everything I did or thought somehow included my ex. the thoughts of my ex giving herself to another man made me physically sick. I hated life , it took alot of effort for me to get up everyday, I could not hold a conversation with my friends without bringing her up. I stopped going out so that way there wouldnt be a chance of me seeing her with her new beau. what Im trying to say is THERE IS HOPE, Start living and leave all things in the past. they will work out regardless if its with your ex or someone new. go out and meet new people, hit the gym up, have some drinks with your friends, travel , do anything to keep your mind occupied!

 

sorry for the run on sentences and grammatical errors . I am in a hurry and decided I should post this since loveshack helped me through my darkest of days especially a friend I met on here and still keep in contact with.

 

if you guys need any advice or anything message me or post it on here. Ive been in your position and now I have a different outlook on relationships and life, and thats all thanks to my heartbreak! please read my previous threads. I looked like a complete chump!

 

have a great day! and remember , you are going to get through this regardless of the outcome!

 

See the more i've browsed round these forums, the more i've seen most breakups are either:

 

a) not really a breakup and they get back together within a few weeks to a month or two tops.

 

or b) the real deal where they have to all intents and purposes, shut down and checked out. And it seems in these instances, there really isnt a thing in the world you can do. Your "power" of any control in the relationship and effect on their emotions is gone. Gone done and dusted. Most of these people talk in circles on the forums until the penny drops at some point. They wise up and stop screwing up, contacting them or whatever.

 

In the case of B, as it seems yours was. All you can really do is hold onto your dignity and respect and back away. Get on with your life when you find the strength to do so and truly let go. I know it's easier said than done, but until you truly reach that point the best idea is to fake it till you make it, and for goodness sake DON'T contact them in the meantime, just let it be because you really have now "power" whatsoever.

 

It all falls into a case of re-attraction possibly years down the line, but of course you shouldn't hold out for that. But then let it be known, that attraction towards anyone will start with at least some respect. No-one is initially attracted towards someone they don't respect. So holding on and looking like a psycho is only going to hurt your odds in the longrun. In fact I think the healthiest way to imagine it, is not improving your odds, because you do truly have to let go and get on with your own life. But maybe imagine it more as not burning any bridges & leaving the door ajar as a possibility.

 

I'm slowly at 6 months out reaching acceptance each day and finding peace in knowing that my ex has gone. Fortunately apart from the first 2 weeks, and some tiny text contact after a month initiated by her, i've managed to walk away dignity intact. I was her first everything, and we've had 4 long loving years with lots of adventures and great memories apart from the last 6 months when I could feel things changing and we started bickering a bit and not seeing eye to eye. That's the best way I can leave it, because she's hitting her coming of age, self discovery, college partying phase etc etc. There's nothing I can do about that, it's like trying to stand in front a pickup gunning towards you at 80mph and trying to stop it with an outstretched hand.

 

I'm curious though, you've posted this in the second chances forum, is she actually wanting you back after all this time? Because if she's just come out a serious relationship, you know odds are on that she's just reaching out to someone she was once close and intimate with, until the panic subsides and she's back on track and off again. Be wary.

[sheithappens]

Hey man , yes as weird as it is .... She wants another chance. I declined of course , because I have a lot of things going on for me and supposedly she has not been in a relationship for like a year ( not like it matters to me). I just remember me a few years ago where I couldn't enjoy life because I kept pinning for this one girl . I posted it on here so that way maybe people coming to this forum looking for anwsers can feel some comfort at knowing that maybe one say they can look back it what they are going through and laugh. The way I see it is that sometimes unanswered prayers are blessings in disguise . Fours years is a long time bro , it gets easier.

[EmergenC]

Hey man , yes as weird as it is .... She wants another chance. I declined of course , because I have a lot of things going on for me and supposedly she has not been in a relationship for like a year ( not like it matters to me). I just remember me a few years ago where I couldn't enjoy life because I kept pinning for this one girl . I posted it on here so that way maybe people coming to this forum looking for anwsers can feel some comfort at knowing that maybe one say they can look back it what they are going through and laugh. The way I see it is that sometimes unanswered prayers are blessings in disguise . Fours years is a long time bro , it gets easier.

 

See I think the important lesson for anyone reading this, you eventually let go and just got on with your life exactly like you should do. Did you guys communicate much in that time apart ?

 

Best of luck to you anyway buddy, wherever the road takes you next in life!

[sheithappens]

Thanks man , the funny thing is that no , we had no communication what's so ever . It was dead silence .

[EmergenC]

Thanks man , the funny thing is that no , we had no communication what's so ever . It was dead silence .

 

They should sticky this and put on the front page. Do nothing, say nothing, live your life!

 

I was just reading back through your post history, looks like you guys were in a bit of a breakup/makeup relationship then she pulled the plug when you tried to patch it up ?

[Peanut9330]

I’m with you on this one I too got to this stage and I have to tell you that there is no better feeling in the world than the freedom. One day I woke up and decided to live for myself and each day I took another step forward and I haven’t looked back since.

[Peanut9330]

I also want to add that once we start to move forward we start to realize the real reason for NC. Some of us (guilty) in the beginning tried using NC to get them back. However after some time I realized that NC is for me to heal and move on without any setbacks. It’s always hard to go NC in the beginning but later on you learn to appreciate it.

[sheithappens]

Yeah , It was kinda pathetic how we would break up then get back together. But as you can see in my old post , I was a very desperate and broken man . I use to think that it was the end of the world for me , felt doomed, but in reality , it was a huge wake up call to start loving myself more . I don't think a person who loves and cares for themselves would ever put an exgirlfriend in front of their own needs . Sometimes you need that kick in the butt to wake you up .

 

 

Yes , it truly feels great to know that you can pretty much conquer anything if you can conquer your own thoughts .

[wow04]

I have to agree that Second Chances do happen. 9 years ago I lost the love of my life. I was heart broken. I did move on. I even got married and had 3 kids. I also divorced in those 9 years. Almost 10 months ago I ran into the love of my life. We are back together. We have both grown so much. Second Chances happen when you get on with your life and you both grow.

[sheithappens]

Congrats on that , your one of the lucky cases. Good luck with it!

[Gulf-Delta]

Ex's coming back is fairly common. The reason people give up is because the timeframe is so uncertain and ambiguous. Could be 6 months, 1 year, 4 years, 10 years. No one really knows but it does seem that they always come back, yeah?

[sheithappens]

I agree with you on that gulf , I think it's usually a man who returns usually to really give it a shot from what I gathered reading through out the years on hear . Caliguys you want a second chance thread is filled with GOLDEN information!

[EmergenC]

I agree with you on that gulf , I think it's usually a man who returns usually to really give it a shot from what I gathered reading through out the years on hear . Caliguys you want a second chance thread is filled with GOLDEN information!

 

Short term I think yeah, guys tend to act on impulse unfortunately, then regret it within a few months.

 

Long term it seems to level out to more a 50/50. But were often talking at least a year or two later, sometimes half a decade or more. In other words, nothing worth waiting around for. Keep walking, keep living your life until you find you no longer care. What happens down the foggy roads of time is any ones guess from there on!

[Gulf-Delta]

Short term I think yeah, guys tend to act on impulse unfortunately, then regret it within a few months.

 

In my experience, personally, and from what I've seen in other relationships, it's usually the guys who are committed, and the girls are the ones who act on impulse.

[wilsonx]

I agree with you on that gulf , I think it's usually a man who returns usually to really give it a shot from what I gathered reading through out the years on hear . Caliguys you want a second chance thread is filled with GOLDEN information!

 

LOLOLOLOLOL

 

Caliguy was a rebound. No standards, lied to, walked over, no life balance, no self esteem. STILL CHASED HIS EX after 6 years.

 

Please GOD dont tell me you are like him

[sheithappens]

I don't man , I've been out of the loop for a few years . Read my old threads and posts . That dude usually gave a serving of reality. I enjoyed reading his thread on second chances ....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

 

 

 

I gotta give respect where respect is deserved .

[wilsonx]

He didnt follow his own advice. Its a self talk plan of things to do.

 

Most people say oh Im going to do this or that but then dont ever end up doing it.

 

He had one serious relationship late 30s? She hosed him and 6 years later he was still chasing her but lies not only to himself but the rest of LS.

 

Read his most recent thread on how he contacted his ex's mom from 6 years ago, asked her if he could visit for xmas, she asks his ex, then he goes to the party and talks to everyone but his EX. He's a bitter/tainted old man. He chased the clown, acted like a complete fool, was a BIG RED ELEPHANT in the room, and then came to LS to brag about it while lying about the circumstances. He wanted more then anything to get back with her but he's still intimidated at what happened, his lack of confidence, and the inability to let things go even 6 years later. So he came here and said "HAHA I got her back by ignoring her at a party at her moms place 6 years later"

 

Rule #1 in his post = LET GO. He didnt, otherwise he would have never contacted his ex's mom, gone to that party, etc.

 

Lame if you ask me

Edited June 23, 2012 by wilsonx

[sheithappens]

I'm sure there are three sides to the story , his side, her side and the truth . I didn't start this thread ti discuss Caliguys relationship . I made this thread to write about my story . I haven't been on here for a few years . I can honestly say that I'm healed . I think staying away from ls for awhile helped me out since I wasn't reading about a lot of heart breaks that would open up my wounds. I wish you luck in your process . I don't know your story or how long it's been , but I do wish you luck in healing . I Had also bought an engagement ring for my ex before I blew up and broke it off , so I kinda know what you are going through.

[Gulf-Delta]

He didnt follow his own advice. Its a self talk plan of things to do.

 

Most people say oh Im going to do this or that but then dont ever end up doing it.

 

He had one serious relationship late 30s? She hosed him and 6 years later he was still chasing her but lies not only to himself but the rest of LS.

 

Read his most recent thread on how he contacted his ex's mom from 6 years ago, asked her if he could visit for xmas, she asks his ex, then he goes to the party and talks to everyone but his EX. He's a bitter/tainted old man. He chased the clown, acted like a complete fool, was a BIG RED ELEPHANT in the room, and then came to LS to brag about it while lying about the circumstances. He wanted more then anything to get back with her but he's still intimidated at what happened, his lack of confidence, and the inability to let things go even 6 years later. So he came here and said "HAHA I got her back by ignoring her at a party at her moms place 6 years later"

 

Rule #1 in his post = LET GO. He didnt, otherwise he would have never contacted his ex's mom, gone to that party, etc.

 

Lame if you ask me

 

And how do you know all that? Is that in the thread?

[Boynextdoor]

SH,

 

Your story is totaly inspiring. I've been going through the same thing now actually. Got desperate,needy,clingy,the not so flower kinda guy even cried in front of my ex (which lost my dignity and confidence). Hot and cold signals were sent at a time being I was appreciated and now a complete distraction. Unfriended me thru facebook and all that.

 

From LC to NC from her while I work it out to inspire her every week/2weeks in the past 2 months that we are appart. My ex now preparing for her board exams in the end of this month where I the so called "support system" is now history.

 

I used to have temPer issues also man. But it only happens once in a blue moon. Well, I used to be optimistic with everything through experiences in life and now it felt different because too much emotion was spent and I got clouded by it.

 

One time I woke up that man I cant be like this. So il know what to do then in the transition of 2months of LC. I try to check things out and yet nothing is being reciprocated. So few days ago I felt like man this is enough I deactivated mu facebook account though she unfriended me. Well her parents goes my wall all the time I post something whether its related/not related with my ex. I deleted her number in my phone eventhough I think I still have it memorized in my head. Well at least mind over matter / or better yet faking it til you make it. Kept her pictures away from my sight and now trying to lock myself at work.

 

I just dont wana go back to that limbo. I just wanted to focus on ME ONLY! I wana fix my finances myself. Felt like I got hit by a bus head on. But I never lost myself which I am somehow proud off. Been spending so much time in the gym and pushing still.. I just tend to miss and rethink of everything as if it was like yestrday. Thats why reading a lot here in LS has helped me focus in mission of getting back the dude I was. Fun,cool,never worries and such.

 

Now I feel like Im not alone coz basically I can really relate to your story man! But then i dont hate her coz she's been the nicest,sweetest,careless (w/ herself) gf I had. Though she did hurt me with what we are now still no retaliation was done in my part. I just took off as well and FOCUS w/ I alone.

[sheithappens]

Bnd, hey man thanks for reading the thread . That's good that you have no resentment towards her . It make the hurt process so much easier , but also brings up little issues. I'm glad you are focusing on yourself. That's the key man . You have to make yourself happy first before you can make someone else happy. I'm actually surprised of the man I have become . As in I am now in control of my anger and emotions . I'm starting to use my brain more often lol . I needed this breakup to happen to me to wake me up from my little world you know . Anyways good luck man , it seems like you are on good track to healing and growing! Keep it up!