my mother insinuates I'm fat

[CailinPig]

Hey all,

This is my first time here with a non-lovelife related issue so I guess that's good. Anyway, I'm 5'5" and I weight about 155lbs which means I'm about 9 or 10 pounds overweight.

I don't look fat, but I don't look slim. I guess I look average or normal. Now obviously, I wanna be less. My ideal is 140. But the problem is my mam.

 

She makes snide comments about me, and then actually sneers and laughs when I tell her it's rude to do that. Or else, she claims I've got the wrong end of the stick. It's very hurtful. She did it again today while shopping and I told her to shut her face, and that she was the rudest person I'd ever known and it was about time someone told her...

Choice words, I know. I have never cursed in front of my family and I never say things like that, but I got so upset and hurt and angry that the person who is supposed to instill confidence in me tries to chip away at it.

 

And the funny thing is, I actually am on a diet right now, and she knew that. And as I said, if you saw me, you wouldn't call me fat!! Honestly!!

 

I don't understand. It's so hurtful. What's funny though is, even when I was a skinny minny, I remember her laughing at a dress I tried on, saying my ass was too big for it. I was 13 at the time, and perfectly normal healthy weight, and no-where near overweight.

 

I can't 'talk this through' with her. We are not that type of family. I find that awkward and embarrassing. I've told her before to stop commenting on it and she just goes 'oooooh!! ooookay then!!' in a weird tone of voice as if I'm being oversensitive. and then she does it again.

[Snakechammah]

How old are you now?

 

Some moms are toxic. It's sad but true. There are moms out there who are emotionally abusive to their children. I'm sorry that yours seems like one of those.

 

Chin up. Remember that whatever your mom says isn't gospel. She has her own insecurities and are projecting them onto you. Try to be happy on your own terms. It is hard, I know, when you are young, to try and seek acceptance from the very person who should be sheltering you from pain - not contributing it - your mom.

 

Take this as a lesson to make you stronger. If you can withstand criticisms from the person who should love you most - you can be stronger in life and can withstand criticism from anyone. Stay strong - and know it isn't your fault your mom is insensitive and have issues herself.

 

Focus on your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Good luck and take care!

[january2011]

I would limit contact with her. If you're old enough and can afford to, I suggest moving out and cutting down on meeting up with her. This is the strategy that I use with my mum. I've no doubt that deep down she loves me. She's just not a positive and supportive person to be around, so I limit time spent being around her.

 

You've tried the talking to her approach and it hasn't worked. So I'd suggest the avoiding her approach so that you can build up your strength and self-esteem for the times where you do need to interact. You might even need to get up and walk away if she starts criticising you.

 

I'd give her one warning the next time it happens and then just walk away thereafter. Perhaps something along the lines of, "Mum, I love you and I'm sure you love me. However, I don't like the way that you talk to me. It's rude and makes me not want to spend time with you. So next time, I'm going to walk away because I don't want to spend my time with someone who is just going to be rude to me." Then change the subject. And next time she's rude to you, don't even warn her. Just walk away. And keep doing this until she learns that you're not going to enable her negativity.

[Els]

I would limit contact with her. If you're old enough and can afford to, I suggest moving out and cutting down on meeting up with her. This is the strategy that I use with my mum. I've no doubt that deep down she loves me. She's just not a positive and supportive person to be around, so I limit time spent being around her.

 

Ditto.

 

Chin up, OP. I'm 5'1" and was 125 lbs at my largest, and my mom did not just insinuate that I was fat, she straight out called me fat. If you're going to maintain contact with her, start learning that her opinion really doesn't matter.

[CailinPig]

Thanks people!

Yeah I'm certainly old enough to know better. I'm 27 and unfortunately (it might sound weird to anyone in the US) still living at home. I've applied for a mortgage twice and been refused because I don't have a permanent contract with work yet. Living at home enables me to save and I have a deposit for a house now, but no mortgage acceptance!!

 

Anyway, it means that technically I could move out, but that money is going into savings account at present, and honestly, there's nothing else wrong at home. I just don't understand the snideness and the laughing. I really don't get the laughing.

 

I feel bad enough about myself without her adding to my doom and gloom. I feel like an elephant when I know I am not. I've become obsessed with food and weight anyway. maybe she doesn't realise. Regardless, I asked a friend of mine who also lives at home what her mother says if she says she needs to lose weight. She said her mother just says 'Oh no, sure I need to lose a bit myself!' THAT'S what a nice mother would say.

 

It's destroyed my mood, and chipped away at my confidence.

[UpwardForward]

I'm curious to know your mother's weight. And how have the two of you compared weight-wise and up until now.

[pink_sugar]

I have the same issue....with my dad. I'm about 5'3" and weigh around 127. I'd like to lose 3-4 more pounds and I think I will be set. My dad thinks nothing of talking about weight and would always tell me I needed to exercise more despite walking to work, school and everywhere else. It's funny, because he is over 200lbs himself, not fat, but definitely not thin either. He is also similar to your mom. I don't think he means deliberate harm, but he just doesn't get that it's not appropriate. Especially to your daughter. He has ADD amongst narcissism and other things. Even if you cannot afford a mortgage, I would suggest moving out. It's still detrimental to your self esteem.

[CailinPig]

Hey Pink Sugar, sorry to hear that. Funnily enough, I tried on a pair of jeans I bought today and showed my parents and my dad said 'they'll be falling off you when u lose all that weight' and even THAT bugged me so maybe I am a bit sensitive. As I said, I'm normal looking. But obviously, I'm overweight and need to lose some. The funny thing is I have one sister, who is obese. She had a kid 5 years ago and has just gained weight since then. But because she is so overweight, I think my family thinks it would hurt her to say anything to her, but because I've only gained a little, they think I'm fair game.

UpwardForward, my mam was told years ago that she had high cholesterol and she cut loads out of her diet and lost weight. She's very slim. I don't know if you're from the US or mainland Europe or Ireland, but here's our clothes sizes!!:

My mam is a size 8-10 (UK/Ireland) or 6-8 (US size)

I'm a size 12 (UK/Ireland) or a 10 (US size)

My sister is a size 16 (UK/Ireland) or a 14 (US size)

[whichwayisup]

I know this is so much easier said than done, but DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR MOM. Look at it this way - SHE is the one with issues and feels bad about herself, which is why she is picking at you and being rude, calling you names. SHE feels bad about herself and for her (so sick eh) it makes HER feel better about herself to put you down.

 

You are a wonderful person. 7 or 8 pounds is not overweight. You are far from fat. You're young and in shape.

 

Do your best to ignore her and not react. She IS looking for reaction, any kind of reaction so she can continue on and be a pain in your ass.

 

Don't give up on the mortgage thing, keep calling around.. Do you have a full time job? A car, any kind of equity that shows you are financially stable?

 

Anyway, I know you're upset and I know too, how moms can ruin our day.. Don't give her that power. Be happy with the way you look..

[UpwardForward]

Thanks for info Cailin. I was just asking for personal reasons.

 

So here's a funny story:

 

I'm old, my mothers obviously older. So I have a lot of past years to look at.

 

I was always slender. Skinny as a kid, and slender in my M, and after. My mother on the other hand wasn't real fat, but struggled w her weight.

 

As a kid she had me working over her and going over her butt, hips w a rolling pin. I kid you Not ..

 

So now that we're older, the tables have turned. After my father's death, she has gotten real skinny - and I on the other hand (thanks to contentment

And the internet) .. I have picked up a few lbs.

 

So since she has this newfound skinniness, she picks away at me and my weight gain.

 

So getting tired of it, I said: Mom, I was always slender before. She said: Yes, you were too skinny, you were hopeless.

 

Now I ask you.........does it get any funnier.

 

She never noticed me when I was younger - or my weight - because she was always too busy looking in the mirror.

[TigerCub]

Hey Cailin

 

Like everyone said, don't let your mom and her hurtful comments get to you - I know that's way easier said than done, but honestly don't let someone so negative and thoughtless influence the way you see yourself.

 

You say that you have asked her to stop before and she keeps doing it.

If it were me, anytime she makes a comment like that, I'd shoot back with "wow, great parenting, so much for support! - you should win mom of the year!" **obviously that's sarcasm**

 

that's just me, but I would say that, make her realize that treating you like she does, makes her a crappy mom (even if this is really the only issue between you two), but I do believe that parents that make their kids feel self conscious and belittle them are in fact poor parents.

[darkmoon]

my impression is that she is jealous, sorry, just get a mortgage

[RiverRunning]

5'5" and 155 pounds? You're more like - well, according to the BMI anyway - 5 pounds overweight. That's nothing that a medical professional would even comment on.

 

I'm 5'8" and I'm still about 40 pounds overweight (according to the BMI). You know what? I have a full life: I go out with guys, I have a job, I think I'm reasonably attractive, etc. I do wish that people would stop acting like being overweight is an absolute death sentence. It gets very hard to continue moving against that kind of pressure.

 

Even if you WERE fat - really, what is so awful about that? Why is there so much shame attached to gaining weight? Because - God forbid - you are not fashionably slim? (I'm not even going to touch on the health aspects here, as those differ from person to person, especially depending on how active you are, regardless of your weight).

 

I agree with the others who suggest warning her once, then leaving the room every time she's nasty. But this is a very tough situation, OP.

[Eddie Edirol]

Fight fire with fire. If your mom teases you about being overweight, tease her about wrinkles, dying in a month, give her a taste of her own medicine, and once she knows she cant give blows without getting them and getting hurt, she will stop. Thats the only way, when you live with her.

[pteromom]

Look past her words to where they are coming from. They stem from her own insecurities. Perhaps she is jealous of your youth or she is concerned about her aging body. But I promise you that at the root of her cruelty is an insecurity about herself.

 

So the best defense is the right reaction. Arguing back just gives her a challenge. Getting upset just gives her the power.

 

So...

 

Look at yourself in the mirror and perfect a look of pitied amusement mixed with a look of "I see you." When you look at her, she will feel that you see right through what she is saying to you - right through to her deepest fears about herself. When she makes a comment, give her this look. Say nothing, just look at her with this look, and then go back to what you were doing.

 

If she challenges you - "What was THAT?" just say "Nothing, mom" with the same look.

 

I think that when she realizes that every comment about your weight leaves HER feeling unbalanced and uncomfortable, she will just stop. But even if she doesn't, you have successfully changed your reaction to her words, so it's still a win.

[gaius]

If she's not being snide and rude about anything else then it's actually a loving gesture, even if it hurts. It also means she has more respect for you than your sister. Being overweight, even slightly, especially as a woman is such a hindrance today. People look at you differently, treat you differently. You have so much more power as a woman if you're in shape and thin. Your mom might just be telling you a hard truth in her own way.

[Wolfcub]

Fight fire with fire. If your mom teases you about being overweight, tease her about wrinkles, dying in a month, give her a taste of her own medicine, and once she knows she cant give blows without getting them and getting hurt, she will stop. Thats the only way, when you live with her.

I was about to suggest more or less the same: When she picks at you again, say: I can diet, but you are old!

My mom used to say all kinds of nasty things to me, just so out of blue. I came to a conclusion that it has hardened my caracter, as there isn't much that anybody ("the world") may say, that I had no heard before, so nasties do not come as a surprise. At about 40 I started to kick back and mom was SO very surprised at the fact that I did not like her ways. She always thought it was most OK. Now in about 7 years she has learned to hold her tounge a bit, sometimes I notice my dad elbowing her slightly to remind that too much commenting will not be tolerated. We live apart and basically I just switch off skype and later send an e-mail explaining what exactly she had just said.

Apart from her nasty comments she is very supportive, ready to help, look after the children, etc. But those comments make me want to be as far away from her as possible and never acept any help as this will make me closer again.

[Els]

Half of you seem to be missing the crux of the issue, which is that the OP's mother is making snide, rude comments about her weight. It doesn't matter if someone is 200 lbs, even, there's no excuse for being rude to them, especially if you're family. Mothers like this are exactly why some young girls are anorexic. If their mother - the female figure in their life - consistently makes snide remarks about their weight, how will they ever feel that they are 'thin enough'?

 

Family members should absolutely encourage (genuinely) overweight people to lose weight. Last I checked, encouragement did not come in the form of snide remarks.

[CailinPig]

I am shocked at what some people have said here!! But its humorous and not hurtful. For those of you who said I need to lose twenty pounds or whatever, you're technically and factually wrong. I am 6-7 pounds overweight for my height. That's all!!! I understand what you're saying that even if I lost 7 pounds that's not "ideal". Ideally I would love to lose twenty pounds. But I'm telling you from a fact point of view that I am only 6-7 pounds overweight and by no means am I an elephant of a girl believe me! I'm the first to be realistic and I know what I look like.

Also, those of you who decided to slag me and say various things like I'm fat and put down the fork and all - I know your intent. You're Internet trolls. The reason I know that is because in my post I already stated I'm on a diet, so therefore losing weight is not the issue, rather my mother is. And don't worry, those of you who think I'm on a bad diet, it's full of vegetables and lean meats

It's funny though, the world is a crazy place and there are a lot if sad and bitter people in it. I'm glad I'm a kind enough person the crazies here who call me fat - it just makes me shake my head disparagingly.

[whichwayisup]

CP, ignore the unhelpful replies completely and focus the more helpful ones on your thread.

[UpwardForward]

Half of you seem to be missing the crux of the issue, .

 

I agree 100% Elswyth.

 

However OP, at 27 you're in the beginnings of your best years, so it's easy to wish the best for you. I agree your mother should be more supportive in your goals - rather than demeaning her daughter.

[Radu]

Hey all,

This is my first time here with a non-lovelife related issue so I guess that's good. Anyway, I'm 5'5" and I weight about 155lbs which means I'm about 9 or 10 pounds overweight.

I don't look fat, but I don't look slim. I guess I look average or normal. Now obviously, I wanna be less. My ideal is 140. But the problem is my mam.

 

She makes snide comments about me, and then actually sneers and laughs when I tell her it's rude to do that. Or else, she claims I've got the wrong end of the stick. It's very hurtful. She did it again today while shopping and I told her to shut her face, and that she was the rudest person I'd ever known and it was about time someone told her...

Choice words, I know. I have never cursed in front of my family and I never say things like that, but I got so upset and hurt and angry that the person who is supposed to instill confidence in me tries to chip away at it.

 

And the funny thing is, I actually am on a diet right now, and she knew that. And as I said, if you saw me, you wouldn't call me fat!! Honestly!!

 

I don't understand. It's so hurtful. What's funny though is, even when I was a skinny minny, I remember her laughing at a dress I tried on, saying my ass was too big for it. I was 13 at the time, and perfectly normal healthy weight, and no-where near overweight.

 

I can't 'talk this through' with her. We are not that type of family. I find that awkward and embarrassing. I've told her before to stop commenting on it and she just goes 'oooooh!! ooookay then!!' in a weird tone of voice as if I'm being oversensitive. and then she does it again.

 

Why not rent and move out, why get saddled with buying a house ?

[gaius]

Half of you seem to be missing the crux of the issue, which is that the OP's mother is making snide, rude comments about her weight. It doesn't matter if someone is 200 lbs, even, there's no excuse for being rude to them, especially if you're family. Mothers like this are exactly why some young girls are anorexic. If their mother - the female figure in their life - consistently makes snide remarks about their weight, how will they ever feel that they are 'thin enough'?

 

Family members should absolutely encourage (genuinely) overweight people to lose weight. Last I checked, encouragement did not come in the form of snide remarks.

Different families show love in different ways. Mine is one that goes with mockery and snide remarks over supportive conversations. It's not always a bad thing.

 

Having complexes about certain things can be helpful sometimes. I could believe the mother was being jealous or bitter if she was fat herself, but she's not. She might be attempting to pass down to her daughter the mindset which has allowed her to stay thin and powerful.

[Radu]

Different families show love in different ways. Mine is one that goes with mockery and snide remarks over supportive conversations. It's not always a bad thing.

 

Having complexes about certain things can be helpful sometimes. I could believe the mother was being jealous or bitter if she was fat herself, but she's not. She might be attempting to pass down to her daughter the mindset which has allowed her to stay thin and powerful.

 

My mom almost died because of how some ppl show 'love'.

My grandma nagged her about her weight [she was more husky than the other girls], so she started eating very little.

2 months later she fainted in the street. They took her to the hospital, drew blood and it came out with bubbles.

Anorexia is known to cause heart problems in those that have it.

 

OP needs to move out ASAP.

[Els]

Different families show love in different ways. Mine is one that goes with mockery and snide remarks over supportive conversations. It's not always a bad thing.

 

Having complexes about certain things can be helpful sometimes. I could believe the mother was being jealous or bitter if she was fat herself, but she's not. She might be attempting to pass down to her daughter the mindset which has allowed her to stay thin and powerful.

 

I understand the possible reasoning, but I still don't agree that it's a good thing. Way more often than not, this sort of belittling only serves to either cause conflict in the family (if the child chooses to not sit there and take it), or drain the child's self-esteem (if she does sit there and take it). In your case it was 'over supportive conversations', but that doesn't seem to be the case with the OP's mother. Her intentions don't really matter, unfortunately. With very few exceptions, the fact is that having someone close whom you look up to repeatedly make derogatory comments about anything (not just weight) harms more than helps.