low labido

[indigo]

My wife and I are both 28 and have been married for 4 years. I have a fairly healthy sex drive, my wife doesn't. It could because of our lifestyles, were both really busy and very rarely spend time with each other, we have sex about once or twice a month. I masterbate on my own nearly everyday to eleviate my sexaul frustrationot to escape from my unhappiness. She finds it hard to talk about sex and what turns her on. I feel like I am forcing her to have sex when I ask if she is in the mood. We love each other so much, I just feel our sexaul relationship is non existant. I couldn't have an affair although it has crossed my mind. What to do?

[Tony T]

Major trouble brewing here, bub!!! Your wife had an obligation to tell you of her low level of interest in sex prior to marriage. That she did not was a lie, an act of concealment, basic fraud.

 

A very important part of marriage is the expression of love through sexual union. While there are no rules for frequency, once or twice a month would probably be considered a problem. The fact that you have to masturbate everyday to get sexual relief cerainly makes it a problem. Now, if you required sex every single day and your wife could only handle sex three times a week, I wouldn't say it was so bad. But you are married, dude, and there are certain conjugal responsibilities that people accept when they enter that union.

 

If you got married fully knowing your wife had a very low libido, then shame on you. You have no room to complain. But if she made no mention of this and you had no hint of it, she needs to seek counselling, therapy, or do whatever else is necessary medically or psychologically to help her. This is her responsiblity to fulfill her important role in this marriage. This may just be her level of interest and there may be nothing you can do.

 

But I will tell you one thing now. I don't care how much you love her, the problems you can count on in the future ranging from temptations to have affairs, to actual affairs, to sexual frustration, to resentment from rejection and disappointment, will not be a pretty picture.

 

Before these things happen, talk this out, get some help, resolve it, or do whatever it takes to move away from this being a problem. Solve it in whatever way is mutually agreeable to both of you before it's too late. Handle this with her gently and tactfully. She may suffer some serious problems that cause her lack of interest and arguing or being other than loving could worsen the problem rather than make it better.

 

This will be a lot more serious later on that you think. I'm glad you posted this now. You may have saved yourself a lot of heartache later.

[Lucille]

I didn't know that in your vows, Tony, you included "love honour and accept responsibility to have sex as often as your husband wants it". In fact I don't seem to recall anyone ever having sex mentioned in their marriage vows. Well, as long as he is demanding his conjugal rights, why doesn't he just have sex with his wife against her will?

 

I suspect that his wife didn't mention that she "had a low libido" before marriage because she didn't think it was. There is no "normal libido". Besides couples usually do it like rabbits before they get married and after a few years the novelty wears off. I find it an effort with my boyfriend, not because I don't love him, but I just don't NEED it like he does. But it's worthwhile because he makes an effort to make things romantic and sexy and makes me feel loved. So I make the effort to get in the mood. No one wants to have sex because it was an agreement when they got married and are now obligated.

 

The best thing you can do is make her WANT to have sex. They say "for a woman foreplay begins in the morning" - does she know you really love her? Do you tell her every day? Do you buy her presents and flowers and light candles at bedtime? Do you take her on holidays so she can relax and get away from daily pressures or suggest you have a sexy bath together and get it ready? Do you cook for her and then clean up afterwards? If you don't do any of these things, there's your answer. I find pornos help a lot too.

[Tony T]

Very goods points Lucille, ones that I certainly omitted. However, I still consider sex to be a critical part of marriage for someone who considers it that. If they did not communicate that prior to marriage, that is unfortunate.

 

Sex, or lack of it, ranks right up there with in the top five major causes of marital discord. It is a very sensitive area which couples feelings of love with biological drives. Yes, this man ought to try all the things you mentioned.

 

No, sex is not mentioned in the wedding vows as such but if you want to get religious, it is spoken of in the Christian bible as an important component of marriage and a duty of man and wife one to another (I don't just make this stuff up out of my own head). Perhaps the Bible should be re-written for the 21st Century.

 

The bottom line is...the man needs to get some help because he has needs critical enough to post on the World Wide Web that aren't being met. You have made some excellent suggestions which I hope he'll try. I just hope his wife doesn't interpret them as an insincere effort to get more sex. He needs to do these things very gradually so there is not an abrupt change in his behavior.

 

I was enlightened by your post and am so glad you added the important and solid advice you did.

[indigo]

Thanks Tony and Lucille, what you both said re-confirmed what I had been thinking. I have spoken to my wife regarding her low labido and my unhappiness. She realises she has a low sex drive but doesn't know why or what to do. We have both agreed to see a counciler but before we do that we need to take some timeout and look at ways of spending time together.

 

Lucille, I do most of the things you mentioned, except the washing the dishes thing (maybe I should do that more often) and I am very romantic. Instead of saying "goodnight" when we sleep we always say "I love you".

 

Once again, thankyou very much for sending your replys.