Marriage/Living together/Domestic Partnerships- how to know what is best for me?

[luvinthesun]

This is going to sound like the dumbest question of all- how do you know which is best for you - marriage/living together/domestic partnership ... etc.

 

I was married for a long time and had a horrible divorce. Married life sucked for me. I won;t get into all the details. (Husband was a cheater.)

 

I lived with my fiance with the promise of marriage or I would not have at the time. He basically threw me and his newborn out when I had cancer.

 

My state doesn't recognize domestic partnerships (which can be for hetero couples too.)

 

My bf and I have been together almost a year and love each other. He has lived with pretty much every gf that he has ever had and I am definitely the longest he has NOT lived with. My child is a toddler now and I want a stable life for him. "Dad" is not in the picture. BF is like a father to my child. BF has always told me he was looking for what his grandparents had- 50 years married- good relationship. Then he told me he doesnt belive in marraige becuase he is an athiest - which I don't see the connection there. I agree with him that marriage can be terrible and splitting up/divorce- even worse. BUT I guess I still do believe in making a promise to someone and being committed to them ... I also feel that marriage gives you some rights not available to unmarried couples. It scares me that if I got cancer again- rrr- my unmarried partner might not be able to see me in the hospital or carry out wishes of mine- etc. BF has said that if it came to that- then he'd marry me right then. I would also like for him to be able to do things with my child - pick up at school- etc ... I don't think being married matters here.

 

I guess I also have abandonement issues and feel like living together would be an option for tossing us out one day ... but I know in my mind better. But I think I will always remember what happened to us.

 

We live separately right now- but I know I don't want to do that the rest of our lives ...

 

Is there any way for all of us to be satisfied- happy - stable?

 

Thank u so much!

[pink_sugar]

Then he told me he doesnt belive in marraige becuase he is an athiest - which I don't see the connection there

 

It's because technically a "marriage" or "wedding" started as a religious practice and tradition. Such as the giving away of the bride, a woman taking her husband's name and etc. However, for most it's the tradition and practicalities and drive people to get married nowadays. My suggestion is for the nonreligious is to have a nondenominational wedding. If you have more contemporary beliefs, you also don't have to change your last name. When my H and I got married, wasn't any different than living together other than being official according to the government and having legals rights. Otherwise we are both independent individuals who love each other.

[luvinthesun]

I have explained this to bf. I THINK most people don't get married in church anymore- and you can go to the courthouse.

 

I guess I am old enough now to look at all sides ... and while I think marriage to the right person can be great- it can also not be so great to the wrong person- and especially if it isnt what they want.

 

BF said that sometimes someone comes along that changes their mind about things.

 

Now he is nearly forty and I don't expect to change his mind- but I do see his point of view .. and I guess mine is more marraige "friendly" than his. I just don't know if that is what I want/would be good ...

[16thstreet]

I know that a lot of people disagree with this view, but my view is that getting married is relatively unimportant for a long term committed relationship... unless it is important to one of the partners. I too was divorced at one point and involved with someone very seriously a few years later and contemplated the issue of marriage or no, living together or no. There were no children involved so the situation was a little easier. But the questions I was asking were kind of the same.

 

In my case I was really hesitant to get married. I think my fear was that we had a good relationship and that somehow entering into this semi-binding legal situation would change everything and that we'd start to take one another for granted. He wanted to get married.

 

So, first we tried living together to see how that worked for us. For me, sharing a home was an important part of what my picture of a long term committed relationship looks like (but that is not true for everyone). Because we were spending so much time at each other's anyway, living together was really not a very big deal in terms of an adjustment or changing the dynamic of our relationship. Granted, living together if one of us got a little upset, we couldn't just stay at our own place for the night until we were ready to talk about things, but truthfully that wasn't much of an issue anyway. We instead when living together would just allow one another to go to bed mad or frustrated and not force some big discussion about an issue until we were each ready to talk it over (again, some people are really opposed and favor the "don't let the sun set on your anger" approach). That is how it worked for us. But, we did not have a third person in the picture. Depending on how much time you actually cohabitate now (even though you each have your own place), for your partner to share space with you and child (even though he may love you both very much) could be a pretty big adjustment.

 

You sound like you want to go to the next step but fear moving in together because of your past experiences. One thing to do is just to keep the status quo for a while longer. A year is in some respects a long time and in other respects isn't very long at all. We waited over two years before we decided to try to live together. That said, I do think that it important to really discuss what each of you envision going forward (that you will eventually live together, for example, and that you might eventually get married) even if the time table is not set for those things. It's also important for you to be honest with yourself and with your partner if there is some time table for certain moves that is important to you.

 

In my case, I would have been happy staying cohabitating with my partner through the years and even through children. He was not so happy with that idea. It was important to him that we get married. But he was patient with me and understood that I was pretty much terrified of getting married again.

 

In terms of the actual process of getting married, I can understand your partner's view on the whole thing. One option, if you get to that point some time down the road, might be to self-solemnize. It's what we did. In Colorado you and your (opposite-sex) partner can get a marriage license and marry yourselves. You need no permission or recognition from church or state for the act itself, and you do not even need a witness. I find it incredibly empowering to just be able to declare yourselves married as two adult people. We did it on a hike in the Colorado mountains. The process is laid out really well here: Marriage Licenses | Clerk and Recorder | Pitkin County. So, if you get to that point and the whole process is the issue but not the commitment, you might consider a weekend getaway to the Centennial State.

 

My approach is when in doubt, take it slow and talk it over. A lot.

Edited June 21, 2012 by 16thstreet

[luvinthesun]

Thank u. I like those ideas.

 

Bf will sometimes tell women he is married to get away. Lol.