masturbation, porn and marriage

[Carol]

I am going to get married soon and we, my fiancé am me, have been talking a lot about different issues. Two of them, porn and masturbation. I am confused about that now and I wish that I could hear what other people think about it and I would appreciate if other people share their experiences with me.

 

He said that he can see himself masturbating and looking at his porn after we get married. He said that for him masturbating and having sex with me are two different issues.

 

Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable about that. When I know that he has been masturbating it’s kind of difficult for me to feel aroused, it’s just something that turn me off. I can not understand why if I am there for him he needs to masturbate sometimes. That made me feel like not enough for him. It’s not weird that you need to look at other naked bodies when you can be sharing your body with your wife?. What is the difference between cheat on me and look at porn? Anyways, he is looking another naked women, maybe he is not interacting with them but he is thinking about them when he is masturbating.

 

Our sexual life until now has been really good. I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me and when he saw that I was not feeling comfortable about that he deleted his porn from his computer. However, he said to me that he wants to be honest with me, that he miss his porn and that he thinks that when we are going to be married maybe he wants to look at your porn and masturbate from time to time (“If I have a high sex drive I don’t think it would hurt our relationship if I masturbated 2 or even occasionally 3 times a week, although I do not foresee it happening to that frequency’).

 

He said that is something completely normal for a guy to look at porn, even if he is married. He said that “Most men hide porn from their wives Because they know they cannot talk with them about without them trying to make the husband feel guilty or hurt themselves so they hide it because it is just something that they feel that they have to do”.

 

Am I doing a big deal of something that is a stupid thing? I wish I could hear the experiences of married woman and man that needed to deal (or are dealing) with this kind of problems.

 

I really appreciate your comments,

 

Carol

[msrealdoll]

I think it's wonderful to hear that you're discussing this now, before you get married. So many people don't deal with it until afterward, which is a huge mistake.

 

I was just discussing masturbation in a committed relationship the other day. It's always been my belief that people still do it-I know I do. My male friend said he did, too, and we've both spoken with lots of people, male and female that do. It has nothing to do with the quality of our sex lives. Masturbation is not always a substitute for 'real' sex It's just something we choose to do because we enjoy it.

 

I think there is far too much stigma attached to masturbation. If your partner is fulfilling you, then he should be able to masturbate if he wants. I think it's sexy when a man is comfortable enough with himself to do it.

 

I know a lot of people think it's silly and in some way immature for people to do it. They think it's got something to do with porn addiction or something. I think it's just healthy. It actually increases my libido (making me want my partner more) if I masturbate regularly.

 

As for the porn, I don't have a problem with it. But I've never been with anyone that took it overboard, though. I know it's an issue that needs to be resolved. It seems to be a big problem for quite a few couples. I'm sure you'll get lots of responses to help you out.

[Mr Spock]

I'm afraid he's a little more right than you are. Masturbation is fully normal, even if you're in a relationship. Men are highly visual, wich explains the porn-pleasuring yourself is a different experience than sex, and one you shouldn't deny him. I personally find men masturbating a turn on-I'm sorry that you don't, but it is my honest opinion that you are bothered by something that is completely normal, porn included. It is normal for men to look at pictures of naked women (or men, if they are so inclined to do so)morality is not the issue here. I hope you can work around this, for your relationship's sake. No one likes the masturbation police-would you want someone harping on you for pleasing yourself?

 

As long as the sex life you enjoy as a couple is healthy and satisfying I see no reason for you to worry.

[Mr Spock]

PS-Just like it's normal for women to please themselves, read historical smut, what have you.....

[julsfla]

Masturbation has absolutely nothing to do with if you satisfy him in bed (or he you) or not. I know more people who do than I do that do not. Porn has never bothered me either in moderation. My man has several magazines, videos, and stories in our room. We have been known to look at these together. We look at different things together on the Internet, and come away with some pretty neat, new ways to spice up our sex life! I will go to the sax shop with him if he wants to. I would have problems if he did not want to discuss or include me.

 

If you are uncomfortable with it, tell him so. I would not think of porn as him being aroused by another naked woman, It is meant to be erotic, I find it to be even more so b/c it excites my man. Which excites me, which excites my man....it is a vicious circle! )

 

Is he wanting to do this in front of or with you? If that is the case, and you are not comfortable with that, it is understandable. Masturbation is not typically socially acceptable, and therefore, people get the impression it is wrong. He is touching himself in a way that feels good to him. You are the only other person who can do that. I used to have issues with it, but I have to admit, it is a turn on when I see him touch himself.

[moimeme]

You will hear two very different sets of views or, if you wish, you can do a search on your topics and read the many threads there have already been on them.

 

Many men and women both masturbate whether in or out of relationships. Masturbation and porn, for lots of men, is about quickly getting rid of horniness when they have other things to do or their partner isn't around or for some other reason. It doesn't mean they don't want their wives or that they 'prefer' the porn people to their wives. If you really want to know how fellows feel about it, do read some of the old threads. Many have been very honest. Unfortunately, many women refuse to believe the men and still insist that even occasional masturbation and porn is wrong.

 

Other women enjoy watching their men masturbate and make it part of their overall sex lives It is pretty hot, after all!

[Caroli]

thank you for the replies, there is something that I need to add: I don't have any problem if my boyfriend masturbates in front of me, I enjoy that; sometimes we masturbate in front of each other and that is just so good (I get turn on so easily when I see him touching himself). We also look at porn together sometimes.

 

I don't have any problem if he masturbates when I am not around, I mean, if I am not there he can please himself.

 

my problem is if I am there for him. I really don't like the idea of me coming home and find him touching himself without involving me on that. I think that marriage is about sharing the life. I want to share with him all the things, I don't have any moral restrictions, I don't have any problems trying all kind of different things. I like sex, I masturbate and I don't feel guilty about that. however, when we are together (I travel with some frequency) I only need to be with him, I don't need to masturbate by myself and I wish that could be enough for him too.

 

thank you so much for sharing with me your points of view, the fact that you have different opinions helps me to understand better the whole picture and try to understand better my boyfriend.

 

Carol

[Mr Spock]

I know you feel that way, and I'm sorry but it's still unwarranted. Self love is exactly that-self love. You're jealous of your man's hand!! You just said you don't like him masturbating around you (even in the bathroom) because you feel that when you're together he should come to you for all his needs. Well, it doesn't work like that. Masturbation is a completely separate thing. It's personal, and a different feeling for a man then getting off with you. Marriage is all about sharing the life, yes. But if he decides to take a big, burly man dump you don't want to be there wiping his arse do you? There are always some things that people will need to do for themselves, privately. I am glad your life is very healthy, but this whole masturbation issue you have with him sounds a little controlling to me.

[msrealdoll]

Sometimes I just want to get myself off. I don't want to go through the whole sex thing. I just want to have time to myself and concentrate on making myself feel good. This doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend or find him undesirable.

 

I think you should try to accept that he wants to masturbate without you. I think it will cause you a lot of problems in the long run if you don't. I think it's a problem you'd have with most men.

 

What does he say about your concerns?

[Caroli]

He said that he doesn't want to hurt me, that it's only about needs and that it's completely different than the way he feels when we are together. He has been spending so many hours trying to explain me how he feels about this and why I shouldn't be hurt by that.

 

I don't know why it's so difficult for me to understand this, I can see that a lot of couples go through this without any problem.

 

He offers me to stop doing that because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I think that is just wrong. I don't want to change him, I don't want that he can start doing that later and maybe hiding that from me. I guess that I need to get used to that and try to understand him.

 

thanks for your replies and for sharing with me what you think

 

Carol

[Mr Spock]

Ok, I'm glad you can see his side.

 

It's not just seeing 'his side' either-people like to masturbate. There is nothing wrong with that. End of story.

[moimeme]

There is no reason to be threatened by a man who happens to want to masturbate. This fear and discomfort comes from you feeling you 'should' be everything to him but that is impossible. No human can fulfil every need of any other human's. Masturbation is not at all about you; it doesn't mean you are not good enough or that he doesn't desire you or that you're not good in the sack. That is what you need to understand.

[boshemia]

I struggled with this issue for years, I want to be his one and only, and that means I don't want to share with other women, porn or himself. But I learned something in my 30 some years on this planet...

 

I learned when you discourage it… something else happens. He begins to hide it, and that can lead to all sorts of problems. Just look up a few of the threads on porn addiction here at LS and you’ll see the pain it can cause. I was married to one of them for a long time, and I can tell you... I'd much rather he do it and be honest then do it and lie... and he WILL do it... When I got divorced my whole attitude about everything changed.

 

I finally realized that he doesn’t masturbate because he doesn’t love me, he masturbates because he does. He doesn’t ever want to step outside of our marriage, but sometimes he needs a release that I can’t provide. Sometimes he sees a girl on TV, and she makes him think thoughts, and he likes thinking those thoughts. Sometimes he just wants to be totally selfish and just get it over with, and sometimes… he’s just bored.

 

Women aren’t wired that way, we do it for different reasons… just like sex. I’ve known women who could withhold sex for years to get what they want, I’ve never known a man who could last more than a few days, a few hours if I am determined (and I still get what I want)

 

I know this may sound silly, because if you would have told me this when I was 20 I wouldn’t have understood. But I don’t mind him taking matters into his own hands so much, in fact I encourage it. About once a month the topic comes up. He says yes and tells me when and why… I tell him the same… and we laugh about it. We have an awesome sex life, I rarely feel neglected and when I do he is quick to fix it.

 

So I don’t get jealous about it, it’s just one of those things we accept about each other. The funny thing is he isn’t so dismissive about it. If I admit to him that I have taken matters into my own hands a time or two he doesn’t get jealous like I used to. He considers it a personal challenge… trust me on this one. Take a page out of his book, tell him that you have had to meet your own needs and it will be a long while until you even think about it again…

 

* wink *

 

I hope no one minds if I include a link here... Why do they?

 

I'm sure he explains better than I have...

[moimeme]

Excellent link! Unfortunately, a lot of women will insist on believing that men's masturbation is about them.

[Caroli]

Thanks Boshemia, your reply was really helpful to me. I appreciate that you didn't accuse me of anything or just try to say that I am controlling my boyfriend's life, you talked from your experience and that was what I need. The link that you posted was really good too.

 

I am 23 and I still need to learn a lot about life. I want to make this future marriage works (like all the people want when they are getting married) and I think that my boyfriend wants too. I appreciate his honesty, even when he knew that he could be in trouble because of his words.

 

I am really glad that we talked about porn and masturbation, even when this week has been hell to me with him trying to explain me for hours his point of view. I feel a little better about everything until all the forums, articles and experiences that I have been reading all the week. however, I know that I still need to go through so many things before I can say that this issue is not going to hurt me.

 

Carol

[Mr Spock]

Don't get all huffy. I'm simply putting out some thoughts for you to reflect on. Ejaculation from masturbation is different than ejaculation inside you, and sometimes men need to feel that too.

[Caroli]

I am not a native English speaker (as maybe you noticed from my posts) so, don't make me look up in my dictionary. Now, seriously, I didn't get huffy, I appreciate all the replies that I got to my post, all of them make me think about the way that I am acting, and reacting, in this relationship.

 

thank you to everyone,

 

Carol

[boshemia]

moimeme has a very valid point... and that is the essence of the problem is it not? It feels like it is about us. That's how we women are wired... Like when a girl walks by and you automatically judge yourself against her. She has a prettier face, but I have bigger boobs. Deny it if you want. but I can tell you everyone in my life whose boobs are smaller than mine (lol)

 

It's hard not to compare yourself with porn women, the best I can do is say "at least mine are real..."

 

But I've had a lot of male friends and we've talked about it, they don't compare their wives bodies to that of porn women, and they don't fantasize about leaving her for the busty brunette, and there is no love. They just enjoy their fantasy now and then. They can accept that fantasy has it's place, and reality does as well.

 

An interesting side note... I’ve know guys who have had their darkest fantasy plopped right in their lap (so to speak) one was frozen and couldn’t do a damn thing, and one actually ran out of the room and cried because it was the woman he loved. Most of them told me they would have preferred it had just stayed a fantasy.

 

So what moimeme said is a good point to consider… work on yourself, and accept that it isn’t about you at all. It’s about him and only him, is there something you do that makes you feel good like get your hair or nails done that he just can’t understand? Try to think about it in those terms, you don’t do it to hurt him, you don’t do it because you want other guys… you just do it because it makes you feel really good, and when you feel really good, you can make him feel good as well…

 

That's what I do anyways... it doesn't bother me a bit... though it does make me giggle

 

found another interesting link... can you tell I'm bored??? questions from women

[Caroli]

I have bigger boobs and prettier face than any porn women!. of course not, but it's nice to think that.

 

Sometimes my boyfriend and me sit down together in front of the computer to look up his porn (or my porn), I usually tell him things like "It's impossible that a girl can be so thin and still have that big boobs" or something similar and he is like "you, jealous girl", that is a lot of fun.

 

I am clear that one thing is the fantasies and another one real life. I don't think that my boyfriend can left me for one blonde girl (I am brunette). He always show me that he loves me and he tries to make me feel satisfied. It's only that I have problems understanding the reasons because of why he could be masturbating when we are going to be married. I don't think that enough reason is to say "it's a need" or "masturbation and sex are different" or "all the men do that". We are human beings, if our needs can control us we are not more than animals, millions of years of evolution, an amazing brain and our needs still control us.

 

I think that the fact that so many people say "everyone needs to have some private things" is an excuse to don't compromise completely. I think that there are some things that you need to do by yourself but there are things like sex that are a lot better when you share it with someone, that is also about no be selfish (not something like "I don't want to go through all the things that sex implies, I prefer to masturbate sometimes") and communication.

 

Now I understand better his point of view, I still don't agree with him but I understand why he could be feeling in that way. I also understand that it is not about me, that I can still make him feel good but he believes that he needs to masturbate too. for first time in almost one week, I think that we can work this out.

 

thank you for all your replies,

 

Carol

[RevJPC]

I have a theory on masturbation and pornography… and I am glad that I found this forum in which to share it, and perhaps also hear others opinions as well.

 

1. I am “Pro-Masturbation”, I think that it is as normal as eating and sleeping. I agree with the editorial, that it does not have much to do with sex with your partner.

2. I am not “Anti-Pornography”, but I don’t think that it is good for *MY* relationship… and here is why.

 

I am very attracted to my wife. If I look at other women for sexual arousal, then I feel like it dilutes my whole sexual psyche. “The brain is the biggest sexual organ.” Is the cliché, right? But it’s true. If I don’t look at other women, or fantasize about other women (or men for that matter), then I give 100% of my attention (for lack of a better word) towards my arousal for my wife. If you were trapped on a desert island, with only one person. Can you imagine the sex you would have?

 

I feel that if I am looking at a woman in a film, or a magazine, and she is “turning me on”, then I make love with my wife, maybe I will feel like “The woman on page 3 had bigger boobs”!?!?!

 

My wife and I lived apart for 6 months, when I moved across the country, then she came later. During that 6 months, we had tremendous phone sex. And I would masturbate quite regularly. But I only fantasized about my wife. I didn’t look at pictures or movies of anyone other than her. I do have a couple of “nudies” of her, that I did use on occasion, but I tried more to just use my brain.

 

There it is… my 2¢

[sally1530]

I found out my fiance was online with a profile and picture of him with his shirt off advertising on lavalife.com that he was single and looking for sex from women. He had this ad for our entire relationship of 14months , he never told me I had to discover it myself... he was emailig 3 gals..... I would be asleep in the next room in his bed and he would lie and say he was playing online xbox with friends from 10-1am....on weekdays... I gave him his freedom and inbetween games he was getting himself off and whatever... trust was broken on both sides and our wedding was cancelled a month before it was going to happen. He paid $15,000 for the wedding, hates me and I gave him back the ring. I didnt mind that he watched porn movies, look at magazines, and looked at porn online... its the doing behind my back and when your engaged you shouldnt be saying your single and have a ad up saying it. Its disrespectful.... and dishonest! Period...

 

Any thoughts? Did I over react? or does he have a problem?

[Caroli]

RevJPC:

 

It’s really nice to know that there are guys that think like you. For me, that kind of masturbation is part of the relationship and it can not hurt it. If you masturbate thinking about her, that is not only sweet but healthy for the relationship.

 

Thank you for sharing with us your theory,

 

Carol

[Caroli]

I guess that I am not exactly the person who can say something objective about this because I am the one who is confused and I posted this topic. But anyways, I am gonna tell you what I think.

 

I think that trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you find that your boyfriend is lying to you and hiding things from you one month before the wedding it’s logical to have second thoughts about your marriage.

 

From my point of view emailing another girls and be online “available” it’s the same that cheat on you. One thing is to look up porn in internet and another thing is interacting with other girls.

 

I think that you didn’t overreact. If he was not being honest and giving respect to you when you were engaged who says that he was going to do it when you were going to be married?. I think that is better to think carefully before you get married. I can imagine how difficult was for you to cancelled your wedding just one month before of it but I think that was your best decision.

 

Carol

[FolderWife]

Ya know what.....I don't think I'd mind my husband masterbating occasionally, but the porn is a no no.

 

When MY husband looks at porn, he gets a different attitude about me. Even if I tell him that it's ok for him to look at it, he still treats me differently. He can't get an erection with plain old me, if he's watched porn. Even if I don't even know about his porn viewing, he can't get an erection. He DEFINATELY can't have an orgasm...which puts me working hard for an erection, enjoying about 30 minutes, then working my legs off to make him reach orgasm (God forbid he get on top....sometimes he would with a heavy sigh, and an eye roll) and finally giving up after an hour, and feeling completely unfulfilled, because my performance wasn't satisfactory. If I gave up after I was satisfied, because I knew he'd never finish, he'd get upset with me.

 

So porn made me miserable. As soon as it was out of the house, however, our relationship improved three hundred fold.

 

I remember when we first got married, I wanted to watch a porno with him. So we did. He had about 16 videos...each 6 hours long Then I remember him wanting a blowjob, and I didn't want to give him one, so he went into the other room to masterbate, and put a porno in. I came in, and he looked like at me like a little kid, and asked me to stop watching him. I went, turned off the porno, and gave him a blow job, which I was NOT in the mood to do.

 

Honestly, I looked forward to marriage, so I wouldn't have to perform oral sex every time my man got horny. I tried to refrain from vaginal sex as much as possible before I got married, and looked forward to doing it the regular way after marriage. In fact, on my wedding night, he started to go down on me, and I said, "We're married! Let's make love!" And we did....skipping foreplay.

 

*sigh* my husband would usually rather have oral sex than regular sex. It's something I've come to terms with: blowjob then sex...it's how it works now

 

It used to be, that if I wasn't in the mood (which was .05% of the time...not very often) then I didn't do anything. After my husband quit giving me ANY sexual attention, I practically had to beg for it to get it even 2 times a month. I remember one moth, we didn't do it at all!!!

 

So I was confused as to how he could masterbate to porn, and big boobed women's pictures, and not make love to his wife at all! What was wrong with me that he wanted to whack off to them, and not get pleasure from me? If he was so horny he had to masterbate all the time, why did I have to BEG for it!?

 

Once we got porn out of the house, I started giving him a blow job every time he asked for one. And he ALWAYS asked for them...like every other night. I used to hate giving them, but finally just accepted it as part of sex. Sometimes, I wouldn't even get sex, because he just wanted a blow job. Totally unfulfilling...but at least I got laid more often.

 

Then, he started treating me weird again, and 2 weeks later, I discovered, YOU GUESSED IT, porn in the VCR.

 

I was FURIOUS! Here I'd LITTERALLY been breaking my neck to keep him satisfied, and he "cheated" on me again

 

That's my experience with porn. My husband denied me any sexual gratification, unless I wanted to let him watch porn while he hit it from behind. My husband just may have been really ignorant, because now he's a great husband....or at least he has been for about a month

 

In my opinion, if you are uncomfortable with it, then I don't care HOW much he misses it, he should stop it. He should not HIDE it, he should stop it. In my opinion, if he loves you, then he should not do something that hurts you. In my opinion, neither spouse should be selfish. If he asks you to quit wearing short skirts to work, because it makes him uncomfortable, then I believe you should respect him. He's not trying to control you, and he's not thinking you will cheat, he just doesn't like the thought of the guys you work with looking at his wife that way.

 

You should not have to deal with not feeling threatened, because your husband wants to look at other women naked. Love, Cherish, and Honor....He should Love you enough to not want to hurt you, Cherish you enough to respect how you feel, and Honor you and not look at any naked woman but you.

 

Be prepared, however, that if he does agree to not look any more once you get married, that you should fully expect to find him hiding it.

 

I tried to accept my husband looking at it, but he still hid it. When I finally convinced him that I knew and didn't care, he started looking more!....1 hour on the days he worked, and 4 hours on the days that he was home without me, and of course, early in the mornings, before I woke up.

 

If you think you can accept it, marry him, and never ask about it. If you don't think you can, bail out now, and save yourself the heartache.

 

My best friend and her husband watched a porno together once, and he got an erection while watching it, and she got angry at him. She didn't want him getting hard to fantasies of other women, just like WE don't want OUR HUSBAND'S getting an erection to fantasies of other women.

 

That's disrespectful.

 

However, this is all MY experience, and MY opinions. Use your own judgement on this. You are not me, and your husband isn't mine.

[FolderWife]

I have always maintained that I DON'T MIND my man masterbating, I just don't want him fantasizing about having sex with someone besides me! That feels like he's cheating on me with his mind!