masturbation, porn and marriage

[FolderWife]

And I don't CARE that everyone says, "He's not cheating on you," That's how it FEELS!!! Catching him with porn brings to surface the reality that I don't want to think about, and that's my husband gets excited by women besides me...that makes me jealous.

[Mr Spock]

Monday that sucks....In my experience with men and porn I've never found them unable to sustain an erection or orgasm-and I'm sorry you don't enjoy performing oral sex on your husband, one should certainly enjoy it if you have to do it that much. I do find it funny (not ha ha but weird) that you looked forward to marriage so you didn't have to perform oral sex-aren't you perpetuating one of the oldest stereotypes?

 

Men LOVE BLOWJOBS. You hate giving them. Your husband especially loves them and you feigned enthusiasm before marriage and not after. I think he senses you feel it's a huge huge chore and you hate it. Perhaps that's why he enjoys masturbating to porn-is because he's pretending you're enjoying doing some of the things on there because I'm sure he loves you.

 

You've got some deeper issues going here than just porn Monday. Have you talked to him about this?

[Fritz]

My best friend and her husband watched a porno together once, and he got an erection while watching it, and she got angry at him. She didn't want him getting hard to fantasies of other women, just like WE don't want OUR HUSBAND'S getting an erection to fantasies of other women.

 

That's disrespectful.

 

Meh. Depends on the situation. Soo, a person can't get turned on watching people have sex and thus use that excitement to please their partners? Whats the point of watching porn with your wife if you can't get turned on? If its "against the rules" why bother?

 

 

On the blow jobs thing, not all men love them. For some it doesn't do much for them (I think they're nuts but I understand it, not everyone has the same pleasure points), for others they have trouble getting over their "puritan guilt" thinking its naughty or "subsurvient" and disrespectful to their partner.

[MaryConnet]

I recently divorced my husband because of his porn magazines and other major issues. When me and my husband first met he had porn mags. I got upset because I caught his 12 year old son looking at them. These were hardcore magazines mind you. My husband told me he got those during the months he was single before he met me and that he used them to masturbate with but always felt disgusted afterwards.

 

 

 

He said he was so happy he found me and no longer needed the magazines. He threw them away. I asked him how he'd feel if I masturbated and fantasized with magazines full of men with huge hard-ons. He said that would bother him alot. I said that lusting after other women and jacking off to photos of them feels to me like rejection and cheating. Wasting energy on masturbation when I need sex and don't get the full benefit of a hard penis because he's jacked off so much - to me that's rejection.

 

Months later we got married. I love sex and was wilder in bed than he was - I was willing to do anything and please him anyway he wanted. He was boring and sex was always the same over and over. He seemed to only be able to come after about five minutes of looking the other way (in which I knew he was fantasizing about something other than me). He'd stare in the mirror at HIMSELF while we had sex - I found that odd and narcisstic. I had just asked him to talk dirty to me while making love - he couldn't seem to do it.

 

I had also just asked him kiddingly if he had a secret stash of porn magazines and he said "Yea right, all I need is you". I said well sex just doesn't seem as lively as it was when we were first dating - I miss that. We need to be open and ask for what we want.

 

We had some problems and were not getting along then we had a big sit down weekend where we decided to really work on our marriage and we had great sex and I felt totally in love with him all over again. I felt we really connected and I was so happy I was on cloud nine. THEN>>>>> I found NEW porn magazines stashed in the closet above his clothes. I found these one morning right after he left for work. I swear my knees knocked and I felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest.

 

I sat down for a moment then I called him on his cell phone and told him I'd found them. He got extremely upset and started begging me to forgive him that he didn't mean to hurt me. He said "I'm so sorry, god I love you - I know how you feel, please forgive me..." His voice quivering and he was in tears. I hung up on him. He called and called and apologized and kept saying "I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you - I know how you feel".

 

He did know how I felt about this but he did it anyway. So is porn still ok and I should have just accepted it? I felt crushed and lied to. Especially after we had spent such an emotional weekend together trying to fix our marriage. We loved each other but I'm sorry - porn made me feel like I wasn't good enough and it interfered in our marriage, our sex life and my trust and love for my husband.

 

He lied to me and he knew how I felt - he wouldn't want me masturbating to a magazine full of naked men with big dicks. I was crushed and I have to say this killed my desire for him - I just couldn't stand him touching me and making love became a total turn off.

 

He never offered to share his porn with me which only made it more "secretive". I told him that marriage is for two people to have sex TOGETHER and to respect each other. If you want to masturbate be a damn bachelor. I did enough masturbating when I was single - I didn't get married to go lock myself into a bathroom and masturbate with my vibrator - I wanted my husband to satisfy me but he couldn't because he was too limp from jacking off to his porn magazines.

 

Now we're divorced and he's alone. He can jack off to his hearts content - bet now those magazines don't have as much thrill as they used to.

[moimeme]

I don't think that enough reason is to say "it's a need" or "masturbation and sex are different" or "all the men do that". We are human beings, if our needs can control us we are not more than animals, millions of years of evolution, an amazing brain and our needs still control us.

 

Well, you've just done what too many people do, IMHO. People explain why it oughtn't bother you and you say 'never mind all reasonable reasons, I will make up my mind otherwise anyway'. BTW, if 'millions of years of evolution' has made us so controlled and able to manage ourselves, why are there still wars? Do you eat only healthy food? Do you exercise every time you know you should? Is your house clean and are your bills paid every time right on time? No? Imagine that.

 

We are still, basically, animals. Put a scanner on a brain, threaten a person or starve him and the bit of the brain that developed first will take over - the animal brain we all still have. It's science, plain and simple. You are not that far removed from our ape friends, 'evolution' notwithstanding.

 

I think that the fact that so many people say "everyone needs to have some private things" is an excuse to don't compromise completely. I think that there are some things that you need to do by yourself but there are things like sex that are a lot better when you share it with someone, that is also about no be selfish (not something like "I don't want to go through all the things that sex implies, I prefer to masturbate sometimes") and communication.

 

So for the rest of your life you are never ever going to be one little bit selfish? You will always think of others, especially your husband, before yourself. If you both want the cake, will you give it to him every time? I think not.

[Caroli]

BTW, if 'millions of years of evolution' has made us so controlled and able to manage ourselves, why are there still wars? Do you eat only healthy food? Do you exercise every time you know you should? Is your house clean and are your bills paid every time right on time? No? Imagine that.

 

Million of years of evolution don't do anything for us. we can do it. There are a lot of people that believe that war is good, I don't believe that. I think that the most important thing is to have reasons, to use your brain. if I eat, I try to enjoy that, to eat things that are healthy and not only hamburgers (I love hamburgers), I try to exercise in the way that I like and I don't think that cleaning the house is about being using the brain.

 

We are still, basically, animals. Put a scanner on a brain, threaten a person or starve him and the bit of the brain that developed first will take over - the animal brain we all still have. It's science, plain and simple. You are not that far removed from our ape friends, 'evolution' notwithstanding.

 

I think that we are basically animals. Some humans more than others. But I think that is our decision to continue being animals or follow the next step.

 

So for the rest of your life you are never ever going to be one little bit selfish? You will always think of others, especially your husband, before yourself. If you both want the cake, will you give it to him every time? I think not.

 

I am not a "perfect girl", so I am selfish sometimes but I try to don't be in that way all the time.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by MaryConnet

I recently divorced my husband because of his porn magazines and other major issues. When me and my husband first met he had porn mags. I got upset because I caught his 12 year old son looking at them. These were hardcore magazines mind you. My husband told me he got those during the months he was single before he met me and that he used them to masturbate with but always felt disgusted afterwards.

 

 

 

He said he was so happy he found me and no longer needed the magazines. He threw them away. I asked him how he'd feel if I masturbated and fantasized with magazines full of men with huge hard-ons. He said that would bother him alot. I said that lusting after other women and jacking off to photos of them feels to me like rejection and cheating. Wasting energy on masturbation when I need sex and don't get the full benefit of a hard penis because he's jacked off so much - to me that's rejection.

 

Months later we got married. I love sex and was wilder in bed than he was - I was willing to do anything and please him anyway he wanted. He was boring and sex was always the same over and over. He seemed to only be able to come after about five minutes of looking the other way (in which I knew he was fantasizing about something other than me). He'd stare in the mirror at HIMSELF while we had sex - I found that odd and narcisstic. I had just asked him to talk dirty to me while making love - he couldn't seem to do it.

 

I had also just asked him kiddingly if he had a secret stash of porn magazines and he said "Yea right, all I need is you". I said well sex just doesn't seem as lively as it was when we were first dating - I miss that. We need to be open and ask for what we want.

 

We had some problems and were not getting along then we had a big sit down weekend where we decided to really work on our marriage and we had great sex and I felt totally in love with him all over again. I felt we really connected and I was so happy I was on cloud nine. THEN>>>>> I found NEW porn magazines stashed in the closet above his clothes. I found these one morning right after he left for work. I swear my knees knocked and I felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest.

 

I sat down for a moment then I called him on his cell phone and told him I'd found them. He got extremely upset and started begging me to forgive him that he didn't mean to hurt me. He said "I'm so sorry, god I love you - I know how you feel, please forgive me..." His voice quivering and he was in tears. I hung up on him. He called and called and apologized and kept saying "I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you - I know how you feel".

 

He did know how I felt about this but he did it anyway. So is porn still ok and I should have just accepted it? I felt crushed and lied to. Especially after we had spent such an emotional weekend together trying to fix our marriage. We loved each other but I'm sorry - porn made me feel like I wasn't good enough and it interfered in our marriage, our sex life and my trust and love for my husband.

 

He lied to me and he knew how I felt - he wouldn't want me masturbating to a magazine full of naked men with big dicks. I was crushed and I have to say this killed my desire for him - I just couldn't stand him touching me and making love became a total turn off.

 

He never offered to share his porn with me which only made it more "secretive". I told him that marriage is for two people to have sex TOGETHER and to respect each other. If you want to masturbate be a damn bachelor. I did enough masturbating when I was single - I didn't get married to go lock myself into a bathroom and masturbate with my vibrator - I wanted my husband to satisfy me but he couldn't because he was too limp from jacking off to his porn magazines.

 

Now we're divorced and he's alone. He can jack off to his hearts content - bet now those magazines don't have as much thrill as they used to.

 

I'm not quite sure if porn was entirely to blame...fear of intamacy?

 

I'm just amazed that there are entire legions of masturbation police out there. Does getting married mean you can't jack off anymore? Obviously if he's jerking off so much and doesn't want sex with you there is a problem, but it's probably NOT rooted in porn or self love.

[Caroli]

I only have one question for the people who defend masturbation or porn during marriage. (and please don't take me wrong I am not trying to attack anyone, I am only trying to have some light on this)

 

did you have a serious relationship that ended wrong? are you sure that the fact that the relationship didn't work was not related with masturbation or porn? can you be sure about that? can you think about what was wrong in your relationship and tell that there was not any problem related with masturbation and porn, that there was not consequences of that?

 

I appreciate your answers

[Mr Spock]

My last serious relationship ended because he was an alcoholic and I couldn't live with it after 4 years. He could whack off multiple times a day and still be quite ready for sex. None of us really made porn a big part of our daily lives, but we appreciated it when it was there. It didn't bother me, it didn't bother him and it certainly didn't displace affection. It never upset me when my ex would pound one off (up to 4 times a day) because sex was there if I wanted it. Masturbation was something he did for himself, sex was something we did together. I thought it was cute.

 

 

 

Your boyfriend sounds completely healthy and normal to me, and he sounds devoted to you.

[moimeme]

All of my guys have had solo fun - sometimes, because sometimes I joined in That had *nothing* to do with why I'm not with them.

 

You've seen articles, heard first-hand from men and women, and still seem to be really intent on believing that masturbation is a big problem. People believe what they want to believe. I think it is unreasonable to expect a man to quit masturbating and to never again look at a picture of a woman sans clothes. I don't believe in being unreasonable.

[boshemia]

My last relationship ended becuase he wouldn't stop dating other women. He had porn, masturbation AND alcohol addictions. Lucky girl that I am. Each of those things by themselves would have been a workable problem, but when it comes down to staying up all night every night, and not being able to meet my needs emotional or physical it becomes a problem. When the lies start taking over the trust is gone and what is a relationship without trust?

 

Anything can become an addiction once you stop controlling it and it starts controlling you. What I went through with him was controlling me, I wasn't a wife anymore I was a damned warden. As I said beofre, I support masturbation, and some porn doesn't bother me. What does is not being number one in his life... I have more respect for myself than that. I have needs that need to be met, and if he is going to let himself get in the way of that too often, I have better things to do.

[sally1530]

good decision... you have to do what makes you happy, if the guy doesnt respect you and put you first and trust is broken.... then you need to move on... its just not worth it for you. You deserve someone who will be honest, loyal and respect you. Period!!! Dont settle for anything less..

[Olivia_19742004]

I think some of you aren't fully understanding that it's not just masturbation or pornography that is causing the problem in these marriages. It is a combination of masturbation and pornography and how that affects the relationship between a married couple. I have no issues with pornography. Every relationship I've been in the man viewed pornography. I have no issue with masturbation. I think it's acceptable and realistic to think that someone should and will masturbate. I think it's a natural part of life.

 

The porn and the masturbating creates a lack of intimacy between two people. When you're constantly turned away by your husband because he's not in the mood, or has to watch a movie or doesn't want to because he'll get tired or he has a book to read, but you find him masturbating every night to porn it really has a negative affect on the relationship.

 

Not only does the woman feel rejected and isolated but she begins to internalize it. Am I not attractive? Am I not good in bed? Does he not love me? When you experience this over long periods of time it really causes a large hole in the relationship.

 

First you have the lying that it even exists, then you have the deceit (erasing computer files, hiding tapes in secret locations), then you have the sexual rejection, then the anger on both sides with the issue comes up and then you have a continuing cycle. He hides, he lies, he rejects, she complains, she cries, he gets angry, she gets angry, he hides, he lies, he rejects..and so on.

 

It's not the MASTURBATION. It's not the PORNOGRAPHY. It's that these men are incapable of having a healthy balance of a loving intimate relationship and the masturbation/porn.

[sally1530]

That last sentence...is so true... that is why my ex-fiance and I are not together and our wedding was cancelled on month before the date... it was because I caught him with a profile and picture up on lavalife.com looking for intimate encounters...for sex... for the entire relationship... I caught him a total lie that he couldnt explain....his way out of... so the wedding was called off.

 

We now hate each other and will never talk to or see each other again... this is how damaging it can be to a relationship...

[FolderWife]

YES! I didn't care one bit that my husband looked at porn in the beginning of our marriage. What happened, was my husband was totally uninterested in sex. He said it wasn't important to him. He couldn't get or keep an erection.

 

Then I find pornos and magazines. He admits one day to whacking off to them.

 

So I'm thinking that he can't have sex with me, but he can masterbate to porn. He can't get an erection with me, or even have an orgasm, yet he can get satisfaction from watching other women.

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? Am I not good in bed? Does he not find me attractive? Am I not a good wife? Does he not love me?

 

I ask him, and he INSISTS that it has nothing to do with me. His not being able to have sex with me has NOTHING to do with me. I guess he'd just rather look at some booby blond and pretend he's with her, than to have sex with his boring old wife :(

 

Funny thing, when we got porn out of the house, suddenly, he can't keep his hands off me

 

In my relationship, porn was about to destroy us. In some relationships, it may work. Jessica Simpson doesn't seem to have any problem when Nick goes to Strip clubs....she's always complaining that he always wants sex.

 

Carmen Electra was MORE than happy to join Dave at his Bachelor party, and play with the strippers.

 

But Dave insisted that Carmen was the hottest woman there.

 

Our husbands don't make us feel wanted, needed, or number one, when they look at porn. We feel like they'd rather have sex and fantasize about an HIV infested porn star, than their own wife. If my husband looked at a porn star, and told me that I was hotter, I wouldn't mind him looking at her. He hides her though! She's his secret. He's intimate with her, because what he does when he looks at her is between him, and his fantasy of her. Then I come strutting in with my average body, and all he can think about is her perfection.

 

So how can he get an erection on me, when he's thinking about all the fun he had with her in his mind?

 

He can't...he doesn't, and then he makes excueses and lies to me.

 

Then I find out about her. He lies to hide her, but I know. He gets angry, because it's his RIGHT to look at her, and want her, because he's a man. Forget that I'm the one he vowed to love honor and cherish. Forget that I put him first in my life, because I thought he put me first. Forget that I've been doing everything in my power to help him with his "problem" of not being interested in sex. Forget that I've cried myself to sleep nights, thinking he was cheating on me. Forget that I was sexually starved because he wasn't meeting any of my needs. Forget that I was sexually devistated because my husband couldn't get an erection when he saw me naked, when just the other day, a man told me that men get hard if the wind blows. Forget that I've been wondering what was wrong with me this whole time;

 

When all along he had his dirty little secret that was more important to him than my mental well being.

 

THAT'S devistating. When you work so hard to help your partner, and figure out what his needs are, so you can make love to him, and find out that the only reason he can't get an erection, is because of his stash of porn!

[FolderWife]

P.S. When my husband and I got married, we'd never had sex, and neither of us had performed oral sex on each other.

 

I liked blow jobs before my husband....the stuff that comes out of him tastes HORRIBLE It's so hard not to puke when I give him a blow job. However, since my competition with porn began, I haven't been allowed to not do what I don't want to do (aka I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN ON HIM) because if I don't do what HE wants, he'll just turn to porn It's standard now, that if I want to have sex, or if he wants to have sex, he gets some oral pleasure first. If he doesn't have an orgasm by the time that I'm finished, I have to go down on him and finish him.

 

I'm ok with BJ's now. I don't hate them any more. Sometimes, I enjoy them. Sometimes, I just go through the motions, and balance my checkbook in my head.

[Mr Spock]

The one common point I see all of you making is actually poor communication in your marriage....I don't think carol's fiancee is addicted to porn, or masturbation.

[Mr Spock]

PS And Monday, your husband seems to be holding all the cards in your bedroom relationship. That's not healthy either. Maybe you need to find someone who's attracted to you, and just you-someone that will get an erection at the thought of you.

[Olivia_19742004]

The one common point I see all of you making is actually poor communication in your marriage....I don't think carol's fiancee is addicted to porn, or masturbation.

 

I take offense to this. Communication is not the issue. How many times does a wife have to ask her husband the following:

 

Why do you need to hide your pornography?

Would it be acceptable to share your pornography with me?

Would you like to try anything sexually?

Would you like to share your fantasies?

Why do you enjoy masturbating to pornography?

Would you like to have sex?

Would you like to try some of my fantasies?

Why do you prefer to masturbate?

What feelings to you experience with masturbation?

Would you like to have sex?

Would you like to have sex?

Would you like to have sex?

 

 

Seriously. You think we haven't tried to talk to these men? We haven't spent hours trying to be understanding and supportive? How many times do you have to be the understanding considerate wife that tries to accept her husbands needs instead of blaming them or feeling hurt and rejected? How many times do we have to ask all the important questions until the truth is understood?

 

I am so sick of hearing that the woman must be doing something wrong. I'm so tired of hearing that there is something else that is missing from the relationship. I'm so tired of hearing that it's something OTHER THAN the fact that these men are so selfish that they would rather look at porn instead of taking the time to make someone else feel good. Instead of taking the time to share any form of intimacy with their wives. They only thing these men are concerned with are their own needs.

 

My husband told me yesterday that I needed to see a therapist to find out why I keep getting into ****ed up relationships. (1. addicted to porn, 2. verbally abusive, 3.addicted to porn) He told me this after I told him the marriage was over. Explain to me why a man that wants to save his marriage tells his wife that her self-esteem issues are a part of the problem and that she needs to find out why she continues to enter and maintain these types of relationships.

 

These men have no concept of reality. They are completely in denial and they hide under the "porn and masturbation is normal" comment. They emotionally and mentally abuse the women they're with until it's as if there's nothing left of us to abuse.

 

My husband is right. I do need to see a therapist about why I put up with this ****. It'll be the first thing I do after I file for divorce.

[FolderWife]

And another one bites the dust Show your fiance this thread, Carol, and see if this is the kind of relationship he wants. See if he thinks this is a good way to begin a marriage.

 

In my relationship, it started out small--his old porn videos, that he used only when I wasn't in the mood. Then it escalated--he ordered playboy and lied TO MY FACE 3 months after we got married, and I found it hid under the bathroom sink...he still insists he bought it for his uncle . Then it escalated a little more--my mom gave us a computer, and we got the internet WHOO BOY, big mistake. Then it escalated a little more--I tried to just get over it, like everyone on here said, and he took that as permission to look at it every single time that I wasn't home, or was in bed, or was asleep on the couch. Then it escalated a little more--he had a $39 a month membership to a porn site, that he used MY E-MAIL ADDRESS to join, and he ordered pay per view, totalling $70.

 

He got angry when I would get upset. He'd get angry when I'd be upset that he wasn't able to have sex with me. He'd get angry that I was "spying" on him.

 

Then he promised to never look at it again, and we had a big heart to heart, wherein I cried, and poured my heart out about how much it hurt, and he held me, and said he didn't need it any more.

 

2 months later, he starts acting weird....I find where he'd recorded pay per view in the VCR. You think I didn't get sick? I was VERY VERY angry and hurt. He'd ordered $100 woth of porn, at like 4 at a time!!!! 1 at a time wasn't enough!!! On top of that, he'd get angry at me for spending any money

 

Oh, and he accused me of spying on him. I didn't spy. I just instinctivly knew, and dum dum dum.....accidently found it in the VCR when I tried to put in a tape that I'd recorded my Soap Operas on. He told me to stop watching his TV If I'm home before him, I'll watch his TV, because it's so much bigger

 

Our relationship was perfect, until we got married. Then, suddenly I wasn't enough for him. I tell him all these stories on here, and he keeps telling me that he's not these men.

 

HELLO!!! HONEY, YOU'RE WORSE!!!! We've been clean 2 months now, and he's the greatest husband in the world. I brought something up that was related to his porn past, and he got angry at me a couple of days ago. He asked, "Why do you have to bring that **** up!!?? We've forgot it, and we're happy, and you have to bring it up!" I said, "I haven't forgot it! I may forgive, but I don't forget!"

 

I later apologized, because my mom used to do that...bring up the things that I did months ago. I don't want to treat him that way, because I remember how it felt to feel badly about hurting someone, and they won't let it go. I think about it all the time. I'm not happy. If I start to get happy, I remind myself that any day now, he's going to need porn again, and I'm going to end up heartbroken...again. So better to not be happy, and be prepared, so it doesn't hurt as much, than to enjoy wedded bliss, only to be blindsided by the fact that I'm living a lie, and my husband doesn't love me....he loves only himself.

[Caroli]

First of all, I am not against masturbation, the thing that I don’t like is masturbation that implies porn.

 

After all the things that I have read about this I need to say something else. I think that so many women believe what men want that they believe. There are no reasons; they only say there is something that men need to do (masturbation and porn) and then women accept that because there is no other option.

 

That masturbation (with porn) is different that sex with the wife? That they need both of them? Ok, why women cannot get that too? I like some times plain sex more than be “making love”, I like some times only get off without needing to care if my man get off too, I like some times that sex could be only about me. So, what? I masturbate looking at porn? BUT, I am not so visual; porn cannot do so much for me. I get excited more for interaction than for whatever other thing. That means that if I have “phone-sex” or “cyber-sex” that is not cheating on my partner? I can separate the things, I can have no feelings involve on that. That means that if I am with other man and I only want him like an “object” that is not cheating on my partner?

 

I think that masturbation with porn is something that the society accepts and that they expect that men need to do and women accept. That is all, I don’t think that some women have a problem because we think that our husbands shouldn’t be looking another naked women and get excited about that.

 

I don’t think that my fiancé is addicted to porn; I don’t think that he has a problem about that either. But I don’t know if maybe that is going to be a problem later in our marriage.

[FolderWife]

You have a good head on your shoulders.

[FolderWife]

Matthew 5

 

27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

 

28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

 

If we all just went by the bible, we'd all be much happier

[HappyInNJ]

Dear Carol,

 

I just posted a message today titled about "Women watching men masturbate".

 

First of all, your fiancee is partly right, and you are partly right.

 

If the masturbation does not interfere with your love making, then it is fine.

Yes, a man does need a release when he needs a release. Believe me it comes on at the strangest moments, and is an incredibly hard urge to resist.

 

You are right because it hurts your feelings, and makes you feel inadequate.

In my posting, I hurt my wife and made her feel inadequate. This was because a communication problem developed though, and it just became easier to please myself rather than go through all the aggravation.

 

He needs to respect you and how you feel. Perhaps a suggestion would be to make masturbation part of your lovemaking. I enjoy masturbating while my wife watches. I would prefer to do it that way every time (I only do when she has her period and we aren't going to make love).

 

She was not cool with this because of the very same feelings you have, but lately, because she knows it a turn on for me, she enthusiastically suggested that she wanted me to masturbate so she could watch, and it was great!

 

It was a win/win compromise as I also have picked up my responsponisbilities around the house ( things that make her feel appreciated), and it's working out very well! Best of luck, and let me know how things play out.