audiowizardman Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Greetings: I'm not quite sure how to write all this down so it makes sense but I'll try. After 4 years of living together and 5 years of marriage my wife wants us to seperate. The thing is we had to be apart anyway, she has a really cool job that I really cant tell you much about, and I decided to come to another city for 14 months of advance school which we both agreed upon. Her job takes her around the world and while we were together she had to go away for roughly 12-16 weeks, All during this time we kept in close touch and sent each other little gifts. When she came home I knew right away that there was a problem, and it took about three days to finally get it out of her. She said that she had met someone who make her feel like she had never felt before, she swears that she did not cheat on me and I belive her truly, "thats not her style" The thing is I was her first big love, and she knows my love is real and true and makes her feel great BUT this other person gave her a taste of something that I have not and know she wonders about her own feelings. I have agreed to a trial seperation so that she can try to sort her feelings and prioritys out, I love her enough to let her go! but the subtle messages that I have been getting from her are not very positive towards reconcilliation. HELP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 First of all I'm sorry... I can imagine the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. I don’t know the whole situation, it sounds to me like so much time apart has really made it tough on the relationship for both of you. IMHO You were right to let her go… It’s fantasy versus reality. When you meet and fall in love with Mr. New and Exciting life is grand, but the fantasy eventually wears off and New and Exciting becomes Mr. Routine. It sounds to me like that’s where she is at right now… She’s found another fantasy at the moment, and it’s helping her escape her reality with you. Being Mr. Routine isn’t so bad, but it’s awful hard to compete with Mr. N&E. I don’t know for sure if this is the case, but it is pretty common… The solution could be finding a way to become Mr. N & E again, according to Divorce Busters that means going against many of your natural instincts. They can explain it better than I can. Do a search for “Divorce Busters” and you’ll see what I mean. I just ordered the books… but the information I have so far has given me a lot of hope. Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 You know what I find so interesting is that people need time to sort out their feelings about someone else they met when married to another person - it's like your marriage comes first and there is no such thing as someone else and feelings for them because your time shouldn't have been invested in that someone else. But that was just a rant and I'm sorry to blow off steam when you need a gentle ear. First and foremost, I am truly sorry that you are going through this situation. My husband and I recently reconciled after a 10 YEAR separation - and honestly it's been interesting and challenging - but definitely proving that love is strong and wins out in the end. My husband and I were separated by 2200 miles - he was on the East Coast, I was on the West Coast and we lived virtually as single people. Things happened over those 10 years but the most important of all is that he and I grew up and matured and realized that we had been blessed to have found real love at a young age and the time we had spent apart only confirmed that fact. My husband gave me 2 years of space before trying to discuss reconciliation and when he was ready I still wasn't and so we waited another couple of years and again we weren't ready, the next time I was angry and out for revenge and then finally (after counseling and beginning self healing) I was ready to admit that his love was the love that I had needed, wanted and sought for the last 10 years, luckily he hadn't given up and was prepared to do whatever it took to make our marriage work. Our story is truly a "rare" and "unusual" case and the average man would not exercise this much patience but my husband said he knew he was going to marry me the first day he met me and he was committed to his vows of "til death us do part" - I was the one that needed the convincing. I've said all of this to say that you have to set boundaries for yourself and if you are open to the separation, make sure to outline the parameters for that separation - meaning what you are comfortable with and how much time you are willing to give her. Try to be patient and minimize your contact to allow her that "space" she has requested. If your wife knows what true love she's going to realize that that "new" feeling has nothing to do with love than time and opportunity. Meaning he had the time and opportunity to give her the attention that she wasn't getting from you. He's new and exciting, hasn't stood the test of time and certainly hasn't proved true love. I think when the newness wears off - so will her feelings of being "sparked" by this person whom She said that she had met someone who make her feel like she had never felt before, Good luck and I hope things work out for the best! Link to post Share on other sites
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