Newlywed issues

[Rachem]

Hi,

 

I'm 26 years old female and my husband is 29. We are a young good looking couple (I'm not trying to be conceited but we are both very fit, have great skin, good teeth, and pretty attractive people living in a big city). He is an amazing husband... Really good to me, honest, smart, good family, patient, basically he is pretty perfect. This is the first time I've ever joined a forum specially for the sole purpose of reaching out to complete strangers needing advice.

 

So let me just get straight to the point...my husband rarely ever wants to have sex with me. There a few things I just want to rule out automatically..he's not gay and he does enjoy to cuddle and be affectionate with me. We have sex about 1-2 times a week and for the most part it's just regular home grown sex..and what I mean by that is it's regular missionary, cowgirl, or doggie style on our bed and ME giving him oral. Nothing out of the blue, nothing crazy. And I am bored out of my mind.

 

I personally would like to have sex with him every day, twice to three times a day. I am willing to compromise once a day. He says this is not possible for him as he is too tired at night for sex every day. I don't understand this. How can you be too tired for sex? He is not adventurous and I am...and it makes me so frustrated that I know that tonight, for example, I will not be getting any. Shouldn't it be the other way around? It breaks my heart that I feel this way and that I am married to a man who doesnt see eye to eye with me on this. I wonder if I made a wrong decision and Im just too young to be going through this. I don't want to leave him because I know in my heart I want to be with him and that he will make an amazing husband for life....but I don't want to wake up one day and resent him for this. Sometimes I wonder if this situation is serious enough to contemplate divorce. We have only been married for less than a year and it just tears me apart even thinking about divorce.

 

I just need advice from experienced married couples who have gone or are going through the same thing. Even tho he says he is attracted to me, sometimes I just feel so rejected and think there is something wrong with me.

 

I hope to find some good insight and advice here.

Thanks to anyone who can help.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hi,

 

I'm 26 years old female and my husband is 29. We are a young good looking couple (I'm not trying to be conceited but we are both very fit, have great skin, good teeth, and pretty attractive people living in a big city). He is an amazing husband... Really good to me, honest, smart, good family, patient, basically he is pretty perfect. This is the first time I've ever joined a forum specially for the sole purpose of reaching out to complete strangers needing advice.

 

So let me just get straight to the point...my husband rarely ever wants to have sex with me. There a few things I just want to rule out automatically..he's not gay and he does enjoy to cuddle and be affectionate with me. We have sex about 1-2 times a week and for the most part it's just regular home grown sex..and what I mean by that is it's regular missionary, cowgirl, or doggie style on our bed and ME giving him oral. Nothing out of the blue, nothing crazy. And I am bored out of my mind.

 

I personally would like to have sex with him every day, twice to three times a day. I am willing to compromise once a day. He says this is not possible for him as he is too tired at night for sex every day. I don't understand this. How can you be too tired for sex? He is not adventurous and I am...and it makes me so frustrated that I know that tonight, for example, I will not be getting any. Shouldn't it be the other way around? It breaks my heart that I feel this way and that I am married to a man who doesnt see eye to eye with me on this. I wonder if I made a wrong decision and Im just too young to be going through this. I don't want to leave him because I know in my heart I want to be with him and that he will make an amazing husband for life....but I don't want to wake up one day and resent him for this. Sometimes I wonder if this situation is serious enough to contemplate divorce. We have only been married for less than a year and it just tears me apart even thinking about divorce.

 

I just need advice from experienced married couples who have gone or are going through the same thing. Even tho he says he is attracted to me, sometimes I just feel so rejected and think there is something wrong with me.

 

I hope to find some good insight and advice here.

Thanks to anyone who can help.

OMG, it would be every guy in the world's dream to have this problem....but as much as I love sex....I don't think I could sustain 2-3x a day every day. My poor guy just wouldn't work anymore...even when I was 18 I couldn't have done that. I think 1-2x a week is perfectly healthy tbh. Maybe start playing with toys? Normally I wouldn't criticize a voracious sex appetite but the only time I experienced what you are talking about is on the occasional month my wife would get off her period and want it...2-3x a day for 3-4 days. By the end of that I'd be exhausted...that's about the most sex I've ever had and I was just fine with that ^^. Didn't happen often but it did.

 

 

Edit, understand that for a guy it's kinda opposite than with a girl. Every time we have sex, desire diminishes quite a bit. I think it takes a day or two to get back to full desire again. I can be functional within about an hour but it wouldn't be near as much fun for me...unless I've been pretty deprived then it might not make that much difference. So he might not want sex just because he's not enjoying it anymore because he's exhausted (if it's still the same day)

 

 

 

Edit again. Please don't divorce him over this. I don't think any guy would be able to meet your needs tbh.

Edited June 22, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Ninja'sHusband]

I keep thinking of more to say...

 

Don't cheat either...FFS. I used to talk to my wife about how she would sometimes get so crazy horny right after her period....and then the rest of the month she'd be fairly frigid. I joked that I needed a "harem" to satisfy me on her off weeks..but she needed a "hisem" to keep up with her insane desire on her "on" week. It wasn't long after that that she started an affair =\ Make a long story short...we are now in the middle of a divorce...sigh....

[paperboy48]

I keep thinking of more to say...

 

Don't cheat either...FFS. I used to talk to my wife about how she would sometimes get so crazy horny right after her period....and then the rest of the month she'd be fairly frigid. I joked that I needed a "harem" to satisfy me on her off weeks..but she needed a "hisem" to keep up with her insane desire on her "on" week. It wasn't long after that that she started an affair =\ Make a long story short...we are now in the middle of a divorce...sigh....

 

So did she have am affair because of lack of sex?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Another suggestion is to take him to sex therapy to see if there's something you can do

So did she have am affair because of lack of sex?

 

I don't want to thread jack. but according to her that had nothing to do with it. Here's my sordid thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question

[Got it]

My ex and I were more disconnected than this and yes it was a definite factor in wanting to divorce. He was happy to have sex once every few months and I wanted it more than that. And when we did, it was very quick and fairly one sided. He was not interested in addressing it or other issues.

 

He is/was a great guy and the good outweighed the bad for a long time but after I turned 30 the sex issue became a bigger deal.

 

This is just one of the many areas you guys are going to be in a disagreement over, it is how you guys approach it and resolve it which will show the health of your marriage. Both parties have to want to be in it at 110% and the desire to make their spouse happy is paramount. There has to be a willingness to want to meet half way.

 

I would broach it as a definite concern to you and see if you guys can find a happy medium . I am a big fan of couples counseling, especially in the beginning of a relationship where your foundation is just being formed and feel it can really help with the areas of communication and conflict resolution.

[Krytie TV]

I'm sorry but the husband is not the one that needs therapy. OP, it's great that you have such a high sex drive, but it also sucks because there aren't many ~30 year old guys that are going to have any desire to have sex daily. Sorry, that's just reality. Twice a week is probably what most married men would say they have the desire for (except those getting none, they would say daily, but it would be a lie).

 

As for boring, well, you need to have that conversation with him. I'm not sure what your past experiences are to make you think that daily, let alone 2-3 times/day is at all possible when you are older than 18.

[pink_sugar]

Hi,

 

I'm 26 years old female and my husband is 29. We are a young good looking couple (I'm not trying to be conceited but we are both very fit, have great skin, good teeth, and pretty attractive people living in a big city). He is an amazing husband... Really good to me, honest, smart, good family, patient, basically he is pretty perfect. This is the first time I've ever joined a forum specially for the sole purpose of reaching out to complete strangers needing advice.

 

 

Hmm yeah, your probably could have left out the perfect teeth part, I get it. You're an attractive couple.

 

 

I personally would like to have sex with him every day, twice to three times a day. I am willing to compromise once a day. He says this is not possible for him as he is too tired at night for sex every day. I don't understand this. How can you be too tired for sex?

 

Oh you'd be surprised. Are you saying you've never came home swamped and ready to pass out? Honey, wait until you both are working full time with children. You'll see how unrealistic 2-3 times a day is. Is that the norm for you? Or are you just saying that's how much you are willing to do? But if you absolutely need sex 2-3 times a day to be satisfied, I'd check out a place called SAA.

 

There's been plenty of times I've been just swamped and ready to hit the sack, without actually hitting anything. 2-3 times a week is about the norm for working, busy families and couples with other obligations. More if you're lucky.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm sorry but the husband is not the one that needs therapy. OP, it's great that you have such a high sex drive, but it also sucks because there aren't many ~30 year old guys that are going to have any desire to have sex daily. Sorry, that's just reality. Twice a week is probably what most married men would say they have the desire for (except those getting none, they would say daily, but it would be a lie).

 

As for boring, well, you need to have that conversation with him. I'm not sure what your past experiences are to make you think that daily, let alone 2-3 times/day is at all possible when you are older than 18.

Agreed, I meant for them both to go and talk to a therapist

 

Also for me and my wife, mornings were usually better for sex. No issues with exhaustion just from the day.

[Plan 9 from OS]

I'm the guy that would love to have sex, 2 - 4 times a day, everyday if I could, so I can relate. Unfortunately, we can't help but pry in order to help offer any suggestions so...in the past, did the two of you used to make love a lot more than now? Perhaps your husband started a new job that is more stressful than in the past? If this is a sudden - or even gradual change - then perhaps you will need to do a little "root cause analysis". Not to get too clinical, but maybe you can put a list of factors together that may have changed that coincide with the decrease in sexual activity - assuming that it was higher in the past. From your list, you may be able to narrow down a reason (or reasons) for the difference in frequency.

[TigerCub]

Rachem,

 

How long did you date/ were engaged before you got married?

I would think that by the point of getting married, you would have realized the sexual appetite incompatibility.

 

Another question.

Does your H watch porn? Like a lot of it?

 

I'm not saying that watching porn is a marriage killer, but there are stories of men who end up watching so much porn that they get to a point where they choose that over the real thing.

 

No one can really tell you what to do - but good guys are hard to find. I don't mean to tell you to suppress your needs - I think you 2 should talk about things and find a good compromise in terms of frequency and "adventure", but don't be so quick to toss a good guy aside - because they truly are rare.

[MissBee]

Was he this way when you were dating too? If he was...then to be honest, you should have dealt with this or considered this before you tied the knot. If this is a new thing...then that is more alarming.Sex isn't the end all be all, but I definitely have to marry someone who's on the same page with me sexually.

 

If he is a great guy...talk to him about it, he is your husband after all, if you can't talk to him, who else can you talk to. Tell him how you feel and tell him the truth that you're telling us, tell him that you don't want to resent him or for it to blow out of proportion. Try to come up with a compromise and see how that works for you.

 

How long have you been married and how long were you a couple before?