I will never betray my friendships again

[moskal]

I sit here utterly repulsed at what I did to end my friendship with two people I knew, as well as how easily I allowed myself to be used. All of my friends are gone, most of my family doesn't talk to me (I guess I am a black sheep), I now have no job, so I suppose I just need to get this out in the open in some way, even if it results in me getting publicly mocked or heckled on the internet.

 

Regardless, I hope that some people who have experienced this sort of thing can relate in some way, or take my mistakes as a cautionary tale of sorts, because I really wish I had cut and run when I had the chance or never allowed myself to get into the situation I did in the first place. Hindsight is 20/20.

 

My friend's girlfriend and I had an affair.

She said she didn't love him, and that we could be together. We had so much in common, and she was a dead ringer across the board for everything I had ever wanted. Beautiful, smart ( she is a scientist), funny, everything I had come to desire, and her constant advances, while able to be deftly avoided at first, made it very hard to resist for long before I found myself casting off the shackles of my 3-year hermit lifestyle, and feeling the warm bloom of love open in my heart after a very cold and long period of being alone and getting my "proverbial **** together". I guess it could be gleamed from this that I never quite did now.

 

We walked in the park, we kissed, we made love on her couch in the afternoon, and for a while, I was led to believe it was something amazing. It was a high like no other, we threw caution to the wind and seemed content in this sordid affair, and she'd return to him and pretend nothing was wrong. I had no problem with this at first, "she's mine" after all.

 

Then one day he found out about what we had done by way of spying on her computer.

 

Needless to say my friendship with him was through, and rightfully so. I won't blame him for it. I hated what had happened, I regret it still, but they stayed together and all the while she'd tell me that she wanted to leave him, and for me to be patient, that we'd be together soon. They'd go on holidays together to her family's house, and she would keep pretending, they both would, and I would continue waiting with baited breath.

 

Things slowly began winding down. we'd see each other multiple times a week, maybe more, then.. less. once a week. then once every two weeks. once a month, and then nothing.

 

Soon weekends were off-limits. She couldn't be seen with me by people publicly that she worked with, or her sister, or her brother. That might put her in an uncomfortable situation.

 

Soon she was too busy to see me at all, but happy to text me all day long. I bitterly swallowed the pill and dealt with the blows. Perhaps she was just busy.

 

Stupidly I let it continue, for months, and into a year. My life as a pariah continued, I felt like a caged tiger in a travelling circus pacing back and forth in my tiny box, wishing to be set free finally or put out of my misery.

 

"she has a professional career" I kept saying to myself. She can't just pack up and leave so easily. He owns the place they live in, there are more complications, more problems, more delays.

 

then finally two days ago, she tells me that she has known him for five years of her life, and he deserves a second chance, as she had never availed herself to communication in a way that would properly facilitate a healthy relationship. I had been discarded. After stringing me along for a year I hear the cold shattering sound as my heart fell out of my chest and onto the floor. What a fool I was to become involved with someone who used me up so readily, kept me strung along for so long, and betrays those around her so easily.

 

But then again.. what sort of friend was *I*? Hadn't I done the same in my moments of weakness when the gnawing loneliness of my life led me into her arms to listen to her kind words and assurances? This irony seems befitting.

 

I've made my bed and now lie in it.

 

I haven't eaten in days, my only sleep comes from ambien, and I'm doing nothing but exercise to keep myself from getting trashed on alcohol or other substances (which I will credit myself with one thing, is a first for me. my past breakups have led me to week-long alcohol-induced comas and wallowing in self-pity. so there may be a positive point here after all).

 

Now the truth has set-in, and I am faced with the reality that I was played, I am all alone, I have no friends, no job prospects, and only the wreckage of something that I foolishly believed would last and rode into the ground.

 

I feel like I have become an island, distanced by everything and everyone, and I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. In the end I lost a love, but above all else, a friendship that I should never have betrayed. I'll never make this mistake again, and I continue to regret it every day.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch, reading your story is tough..

 

You've reached rock bottom so there's no place to go except up. You don't need to be beating yourself up, what's done is done. You need to tell her goodbye and never see or speak to her again. She's a poison to you.

 

Get some counselling, find someone you can trust and feel comfortable with so they can help you rebuild "you". Get confident again. Learn from your mistakes so this never happens again (if someone is involved in a relationship or married, they are NOT available even if they are unhappy, you found out by losing a friend - And her - That cheating doesn't get you what you want) and forgive yourself along the way too. You lost a lot here and it's time to get your life back.

[skywriter]

moskal,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to alot of what you said, being out of a nearly 17 yr marriage, six yrs alone.

 

I got involved in an A with a MM. Now I am trying to forgive myself and beating myself up inside for being so ignorant.

 

I allowed myself to be strung along for a couple of months shy of six yrs.

 

I say, search for the positives, it'll give you a psychological boost .

 

For example, when you mention feeling like an island. I think being an island gives you time and distance that you need to clear your mind and see this woman and how manipulative and unhealthy the situation must have been.

 

She'll likely repeat her behavior and who's to say this is her first time.

[FelicityShot]

There is a certain way a troll writes.

 

'cautionary tale' - red flag

 

'hindsight' -

 

regret, caged tiger etc

 

Paper tiger more like.

 

After a bit of a break from LS, I come back to this.

 

You are funny.

[moskal]

whichwayisup - Thanks. You're right, that's sound advice and that's exactly what I am doing short of getting counselling because I just really can't afford that right now (though it's funny how she was quick to tell me that she was getting counselling after the fact, so maybe it'll do her some good in never treating people like this again, who knows).

 

I'm managing okay, I'm eating a little bit again, and trying to get back into a career I abandoned a while back, taking some "me" time to just breathe, and eventually I hope I can put this whole thing behind me.

 

skywriter - Thanks to you too, I'm sorry to hear about your experience with this stuff, it's really draining and ultimately you're left feeling like a fool. But you could be right in that she may do this again to other people, who knows. I'm trying not to hold too much malice against anyone, but it's really hard to try and be a bigger person. I'll definitely try to stay positive.

 

Felicityshot - Sorry you feel that way.

Edited June 23, 2012 by moskal

[Snakechammah]

Moskal - I like the way you write. Island or not, your writing skills is descriptive and pleasant to read (though the story is sad!)

 

The scientist lady unfortunately is not a likeable character. First she seduced you, then she strung you along, and then unceremoniously dumped you. I honestly feel sorry for your friend. For the hurtful betrayal - and his stupidity to stay with a woman like her. I hope he wakes up and get his sanity back.

 

She is certainly someone you should avoid like the plague! Just be glad that you dodged a bullet (as LS people would say)...

 

Good luck with moving on.

[Radu]

I sit here utterly repulsed at what I did to end my friendship with two people I knew, as well as how easily I allowed myself to be used. All of my friends are gone, most of my family doesn't talk to me (I guess I am a black sheep), I now have no job, so I suppose I just need to get this out in the open in some way, even if it results in me getting publicly mocked or heckled on the internet.

 

Going public in an anonymous way is quite the oxymoron, let it be the first step in being honest with yourself and others, but by no means consider it truly 'going public'.

 

But then again.. what sort of friend was *I*? Hadn't I done the same in my moments of weakness when the gnawing loneliness of my life led me into her arms to listen to her kind words and assurances? This irony seems befitting.

 

Claiming responsability doesn't work if you accept reasons after, 'moments of weakness' part.

 

I haven't eaten in days, my only sleep comes from ambien, and I'm doing nothing but exercise to keep myself from getting trashed on alcohol or other substances (which I will credit myself with one thing, is a first for me. my past breakups have led me to week-long alcohol-induced comas and wallowing in self-pity. so there may be a positive point here after all).

 

Now the truth has set-in, and I am faced with the reality that I was played, I am all alone, I have no friends, no job prospects, and only the wreckage of something that I foolishly believed would last and rode into the ground.

 

I feel like I have become an island, distanced by everything and everyone, and I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. In the end I lost a love, but above all else, a friendship that I should never have betrayed. I'll never make this mistake again, and I continue to regret it every day.

 

You never had the love.

All you had was a fantasy, and in the end she got grounded in reality while she sacrificed you for her satisfaction.

The only victim here is her boyfriend who didn't ask for this.

 

At some point in the future he may contact you for more information, i hope you have the strength to provide ALL of the information.

[2sure]

Write a letter to him. And to your family. Do not go on about how you were talked into being with her each time. Admit what you did was horrible. Acknowledge to him that you understand the friendship has been lost. Apologize.

 

Move forward and get a job.

 

It's all you can do. You can move forward from this.