MM leaving wife

[LiHai]

Hello everyone. I have been lurking for a while and have decided to post my story. I'm pleased I found this forum, there is so much advice and I can finally see my situation is not 'unique'.

 

I have been married for 7 years to a good man. We have 1 child together. We have had a rocky marriage, and almost separated during the Christmas period but decided we would give it one last chance. Anyway, a few years ago I went back to uni to study and will be completing my degree this year. I met a man at uni who takes all the same classes as me, who is also married with children. For the first 2 years we were friends, didn't talk very often. I felt no chemistry between us and would never have thought anything would happen between us.

 

This year however, as our classes got smaller, we got to know each other a little better and I found myself attracted to him. I ignored it, thinking nothing of it as he was just a (married) friend who's platonic company I enjoyed. I didn't know it at the time, but he was also attracted to me. We ended up going overseas on a month long trip to do with our studies and were put into an apartment together....you can see where this is going..... While overseas we became very close, sharing a lot of amazing experiences together and about halfway through the trip we became intimate!

 

It was one of the best times of my life! I enjoyed his company so much. It filled both of us with shame as we knew we had families back home but we couldn't (didn't) stop ourselves.

 

We discussed what would happen when we went home and decided that we would we would resume a friendship and end our affair - leave it as a wonderful holiday fling. I also decided that when I came home I would end my marriage, I didn't discuss this with my AP as it was not something he needed to know, it was my private business and I did not want him thinking it had to do with him.

 

My H and I have had issues for years and the fact that I had an affair was the spark that made me realize I had to leave otherwise I was going to hurt my H further, and also myself. I couldn't bear that.

 

When I came home I told my hubby that I was leaving and that I hoped we could continue to be friends, because while I knew I didn't 'love' him, I certainly loved him as a friend, as a person. My AP and I kept away from each other for a short period, but it didn't take long before we were sneaking off to meet each other. So after having an emotional and physical affair overseas, back home we continued the emotional affair.

 

We both knew it wasn't right and so multiple times we attempted to end it, we would discuss how he couldn't leave his wife and how I couldn't 1) stay in an affair or 2) jump into a new relationship while in the process of separating or even soon after separating from my H. Each time we would last so many days...a week even before NC was broken, usually by my AP.

 

His wife found out, it was supposed to end then, it didn't. I decided to tell my H. I felt I needed to tell him, I couldn't lie anymore about what had happened, it was eating me up! but I quickly regretted it because it hurt him so deeply and it turned our amicable separation into a very strained separation - he was so (rightly) angry at my betrayal!. Obviously my AP's wife was furious, however she is deeply religious and welcomed her H back - in the end she welcomed him back many times. He would tell her he wouldn't see me again and then he would cave in and contact me again. She knew this was happening and just a few days tried to give him an ultimatum. He told here if she gave him an ultimatum, he would choose me.

 

He wants to leave her. He says he didn't realize how unhappy he was in his marriage until he fell for me. He says his wife won't let him go out with friends, he's not allowed a beer, etc, etc, etc. I know he is telling the truth and he is feeling terrible about himself for feeling so strongly towards me. He is the kind of man who believes in marriage is forever, no matter what and yet here he is in love with another woman.

 

They have two children, and one on the way. He feels terrible and I feel terrible. I know he loves me genuinely and I know he is prepared to leave his wife. For me.

 

So all of this all happened within 3 months. For the last couple of weeks my AP and his wife have not been living together, they have not officially separated, but while he getting his act together she is staying with family. He is wanting a future with me and is readying himself to find his own place, to actually separate from his wife.

 

I am scared. I care for him deeply. In fact I believe I love him, the thing is I had a rough childhood and I have intimacy issues. When I'm with him I feel so happy and calm and I enjoy every second of his company! However I can feel his love growing so strong and deep and it's scares me a little - I am known for pushing people away when they get to close to my heart.

 

On top of that I am so full of fears, what if I don't love him the same way he loves me, what if I hurt him? What about his wife? - How will I cope knowing I have participated in something that has broken her heart and torn her family apart, that I have stolen her husband. How will I handle the judgement of everyone knowing I 'stole' a pregnant woman's husband?

 

This is a situation I always swore I would never be in. 6 months ago I would never have believed I would be involved in this. Yet here I am. I have told my AP that if he leaves his wife he needs to do it because he cannot see a future with her, not because he wants to choose me over her. Can I ask that of him, does that even make sense?

 

And if he does leave his wife, I don't want to rush into a full time relationship, we would need to take it slow, like were dating perhaps, I want to respect our families as best as we can. I want to try to minimize their hurt by focusing on separating properly, focusing on the kids and their needs with all the changes happening. Plus, he'll need to be there as much as he can to help his wife esp after the baby is born! If we want to have a real relationship I feel that we need to make it right with our current spouses because we have children and so both BS will always be in the picture.

 

I have told him that we should think about going NC for a few months while we sort our stuff out and then we can start thinking about creating a real relationship between us. My AP doesn't want to jump in a full time relationship but he certainly does not want to go NC and it scares me that I am going to push him away because he loves me so much, because he will leave his wife because of me and because I fear judgement from myself and others.

 

Am I crazy? Am I crazy for wanting this? Do I even want this? How do I know what I want? I am so scared of everything right now but yet I can't stop thinking of him! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't leaving his wife. Here's why:

 

His wife found out, it was supposed to end then, it didn't. I decided to tell my H. I felt I needed to tell him, I couldn't lie anymore about what had happened, it was eating me up! but I quickly regretted it because it hurt him so deeply and it turned our amicable separation into a very strained separation - he was so (rightly) angry at my betrayal!. Obviously my AP's wife was furious, however she is deeply religious and welcomed her H back - in the end she welcomed him back many times. He would tell her he wouldn't see me again and then he would cave in and contact me again. She knew this was happening and just a few days tried to give him an ultimatum. He told here if she gave him an ultimatum, he would choose me.

 

First off, kudos to you for actually separating from your husband. At least now he has a chance of finding someone who will love only him.

 

Bolded part. What he is telling you, he doesn't love her as much anymore, loves you more, wants to be with you, that he is going to leave.. HE has had many opportunities to leave!! Do you see that? You say "welcomed her H back" which means he does NOT have the balls to sit down and say, I'm sorry but we need to separate and divorce..Instead (and remember you are only hearing one side of this, HIS side, which won't reveal the 'real' truth of what is going on there) he is STILL at home. He is playing you both, being selfish. Why tell her he's ended the A, yet resume it with you? Why tell you that he is leaving yet he is still there, making it seem like (to her) that he IS working on their marriage? He is lying, deceiving, playing you two for fools! Why? Because he can. He is selfish and a cake-eater. This is a man who has no interest in leaving his wife or ending his affair. HE wants it both ways.

 

She knew this was happening and just a few days tried to give him an ultimatum. He told here if she gave him an ultimatum, he would choose me

But he hasn't chosen you. If he had, he'd be moving out NOW and talking to a lawyer..Or she should.

 

There is another side of this, chances are, she found out and kicked him out of the house (hense the 'she welcomed him back..THINK about that, k.) and he begged her to take him back home, he told her he'd end the A with you. That isn't a man who is owning his shi.t and coming clean. Why did he not tell her the truth? Why not just right then, when she found out about the A, tell her everything and then he leave? See how what he is telling you makes no sense? Talking about leaving and actually leaving are two different things.

[SomedayDig]

Ahhh...the 7 year itch. Interesting how that number always seems to pop up in this stuff. The only thing I could even begin to think of is this: What makes you think that in another 7 years with the MM you won't have the exact same issues that you have with your current husband? Seriously, you say that your marriage has been rocky but why? Why did you almost separate in December? Was it something really bad or was it something that became exacerbated in your mind? I ask this because my wife more or less created conflicts in her mind which allowed her to have and continue a very long affair. Things that I wasn't even guilty of, she made herself believe. I would only be able to say you need to figure out the why's of your current marriage situation first before you could ever begin to think about starting another. It just seems like a vicious cycle you're setting yourself up for.

[alexandria35]

Hello Lihai,

 

I am on my way to work so I can't write a lengthy reply but I do see some potential problems for you and your MM.

 

First of all it sounds like you are self aware enough to know about your own issues with intimacy. Do you think this played a part in your marital problems? How do plan on dealing with your issues besides dumping your husband and running off with the next best thing? A new guy is not going to fix you on the inside. Have you considered counselling?

 

Sounds like your MM is also looking to run away from real life and escape into the fantasy with you. He has kids and a pregnant wife. He's also in school so I imagine that money is tight for he and his family too. I'm sure the affair is very attractive to him right now as opposed to his real life which includes crying children, a big pregnant hormonal wife and possibly financial strains as well. I'm sure travelling overseas and carrying on his illicit affair was much more attractive then the reality of his life. But he created that life and real men don't run away from their families to chase a new life with a new woman. He's just realized after he met you that he's been really unhappy and now he's going to ditch the life he chose and took part in because being with you is more fun. Easier to run away than face his marriage and fix the problems. I'd be concerned about this if I were you. Says a lot about his integrity and his character.

 

Oh and you mentioned his wife won't let the poor guy do anything. Well he's managed to carry on his affair with you and travel overseas for a month so it doesn't sound like she can be all that controlling. I don't think you should be too worried about judgement from others. That's the least of your problems. You should be concerned about this guy who wants to leave his pregnant wife for another woman. What happens when you two are together and maybe you have a kid or two of his? Then will realize that he's just not happy with that and need to escape his reality again?

 

In any case I think you are correct in that this is not the time for you two to be all hot and heavy with each other. You do need to focus on your families and seeing that they get through this without more pain. Your kids and his kids should be the top priority in all of this mess and it sounds like you have been handling your seperation and divorce with care. I hope he is kind to his wife and kids too, whatever he decides.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I'm sorry to say it, but this guy doesn't exactly sound like that great of a guy.

 

He cheated on his pregnant wife ( or got he pregnant while he was cheating on her with you)...whichever scenario, it's pretty low behavior, don't you think?

 

I think this guy is really telling you some tall tales, and , unfortunately, you believe him. Try looking at the whole situation from a point of logic, not emotion. You haven't really known this guy all that long, yet you say he is willing to leave his pregnant wife, their other children, etc. for someone he's only been romantically involved with for a few months? Take a cold, hard look at that behavior and see what it tells you about his character...it's not "romantic" , it's disturbing.

 

And to put his wife through this emotional upheaval when she's pregnant? how low can you get! That's really quite nasty behavior.

[Alice2012]

my AP and his wife have not been living together, they have not officially separated, but while he getting his act together she is staying with family. He is wanting a future with me and is readying himself to find his own place, to actually separate from his wife.

 

Highly unlikely.

 

Your guy is a classic cake eater and is most likely not doing anything to "ready" himself to leave the marriage. They never do unless forced. THIS is the likely scenario:

 

Wife left him and he's bending over backwards to get her back. Begging, pleading . . . the whole nine yards. If what he said is true and she's staying with family -- the man is beyond scared sheet right now.

 

He's dangling carrots in front of you in order to keep you as backup in case his wife follows through this time around. When/If the wife takes him back again, he'll give you various excuses as to why he can't leave.

 

She's finally kicked him to the curb and I would imagine making it MUCH harder for your guy to win her back this time. He has no worries where you're concerned, as he knows you will likely wait . . . and wait . . . and wait and believe all the excuses he will give for years to come. You left your husband for this man and so you will make yourself believe anything MM says because you are desperate to make this happen. In other words, you will have no choice but to be "patient." And THIS is why cake eaters don't leave. They don't need to.

 

Cake eaters don't "leave" the marriage unless their fed up spouse is done with them. And the affair doesn't usually end until the OW gets fed up.

Edited June 22, 2012 by Alice2012

[MissBee]

Hi LiHai,

 

I just want to respond to a few things.

 

1. It's good that you decided privately, without your AP's knowledge, that you wanted to divorce your husband, so he wouldn't think it was for him. That's how it should be, and I would trust someone more who was divorcing because they want to divorce, regardless of the A. You were done with your M and made the decision for yourself. It's also good that you told your husband the truth and that all is on the table, albeit painful. You were brave in doing that as most people aim for what seems easiest, which is to deny, lie, gaslight and hide as much as they can, for as long as they can. You seem genuinely concerned for all involved and seemed to try to do the right thing.

 

 

2. You say that the MM's wife keeps taking him back because she is religious, and that he realizes how unhappy he is now that he's in an A. This raises a flag for me. Reason being is that, how can she take him back, unless he is asking for her to do so? Is he apologetic on ddays and asks to be forgiven or taken back? If so....then why would he do that if he was so unhappy? In any case, he doesn't seem like you. It doesn't seem like he was all along wanting to divorce and was planning to do so with or without you in the picture. That makes me worried. Him leaving "for you" may be a part of the affair fog and if so, you will be very disappointed, if once you get him, he was only suffering from a grass is greener syndrome. Also, his wife is pregnant and all this other stuff, this is way too much. In a normal relationship, I'd never date a man who has a pregnant ex. That would be way too much for me and our relationship would already be starting with drama. You are a smart lady and wise to be questioning things. There is A LOT going on here and you have your own child and life too. You may love him and care for him, but love IMO has to be coupled with the right circumstances. Even in single relationships, you may love a person but sometimes your life paths are divergent, and it is better for everyone if you don't move forward with a relationship. It is painful, but you often find a more fulfilling relationship that is compatible with your life. Think about that.

 

3. It's good that you realize that you shouldn't rush into a full blown relationship. One of the problem with As, is that things often seem so rushed. I think a 2 year A is not the same as a 2 year out and out relationship frankly, and I think the stages of a relationship are greatly stunted within an A context, where the phases of honeymoon and fantasy may be prolonged and decisions are made in haste or in the midst of that stage versus more realistic frames. It's like people often want to go from A, to divorce, to moving in together, which to me seems insane. I get that some people in single relationships fall inlove fast and rush into living together or even marrying, but that often turns out into a disaster as well. Making permanent decisions on what may be temporary feelings is not wise and every relationship needs room to breathe, should be used as a time to actually discover if you have what it takes to invest greater levels of commitment. Every relationship needs time for the heady feelings to simmer and for people to actually look at their CORE VALUES. Not just how they feel about the person, but figuring out, do they want something serious? Why? How does this person fit into my life? Do we have similar life goals, do we have similar and compatible spiritual beliefs or lack thereof, do we believe the same about kids, finances...those normal everyday things that make or break a partnership and not just, he's so funny, cute, the sex is great, we like the same movies, he makes me feel so good etc. Those don't make a relationship last.

 

With an A, I think it is darn difficult to see this clearly because of the nature of it...but ppl get stuck b/w a rock and a hard place. Most feel they are giving up so much to be with their AP so need to immediately jump from M to other commitment....even when, just like a normal relationship, maybe it is not meant to go there. I can relate to your intimacy issues, questions and fears...trust me. I think it is even more important that you not feel the pressure, like he is leaving for you, so you must be with him no matter what and not have NC. You can't be his safety blanket. You left your M without having a safety blanket....he should too! He should leave regardless of you and him working out....and if he is going to only leave if you promise to be there to be with him...he is doing it for the wrong reasons. He shouldn't leave for you or because of you. Your relationship will be strained and won't be allowed to work or not work naturally if that is the case.

 

I suggest you see a counselor and talk about this and your intimacy fears and get another perspective on your own feelings about this. I do think NC at this time would be good so you both can get some perspective. All I see right now is the whirlwind of new love encompassing you all, especially him (but I think you're pretty intuitive yourself and your brain is tapping you on the shoulder to actually critically look at this and not just ride the feelings). I get the feeling that with some space for that headiness to die down, decisions made may be very different.

Edited June 22, 2012 by MissBee

[jwi71]

When is the MM's W due?

[Furious]

You have one child, he will soon have three. Please don't base your love and feelings for each other on that month away for school and the stolen time you've spent together when you returned.

 

If you do end up together it will be 24/7, diapers, evenings in and surrounded by toddlers and a baby. You will both have to find a large enough home to accommodate this big new family.

 

This man is a package deal, are you prepared to be step mom.

[MissBee]

NC can never be detrimental if a relationship is meant to work out IMO.

 

But dragging along in the midst of a mess is not very helpful to you or anyone else. It most likely just means you are scared that it won't work out, and you're attached so you can't let go and allow it space because you're scared it will end.

 

The need for NC arises when a relationship is getting chaotic, emotions are high and one needs some space. Unfortunately, if you're dating someone who is married to another person who is also pregnant, I am sorry to say, but you increase the chance that your relationship will have a higher level of chaos, high emotions, entanglements and there will be more of a need to get space so that you and this other person can figure their stuff out.

 

 

I think LiHai is a smart lady and is asking the right questions and being reflective about her own feelings and what she is ready for. I'm sure getting some space to think for HERSELF and what's best for HER and her life without him pressuring her and saying he's leaving for her and he can't do NC, will only help. One cannot undo what has already occurred in a relationship, but every minute, every hour, every day is a new day, with new choices and you can choose to do things differently.

[2sunny]

Your title says MM leaving wife...

 

He hasn't left - he's not likely to leave!

 

He has 2 kids and a baby on the way! Why would YOU want that mess?

 

Stay away from him! YOU can control THAT!

 

Get help - find out what is broken inside you that would cause YOU to do such things that YOU NEVER thought you would!

 

I'm glad your H knows - have you been COMPLETELY honest with him? I do agree - D is best for you since you haven't treated him right.

[2sunny]

I wouldn't consider speaking to him or seeing him AT ALL until his divorce is FINAL!!!

 

He's married! And you screwed him! When his wife is PREGNANT! Stay out of their marriage!

[MissBee]

The last sentence in her article is this, "Cold Turkey, one day at a time. That works. But the person has to make a very firm decision that this is truly the end and then grieve the permanent loss. " Which means........that the going back and forth doesn't work and if one is doing that, it's not NC. My definition of NC is the end and from what I read Nancy agrees that going back and forth doesn't do anyone any good.

 

Is the op ready to do the cold turkey thing yet........probably not, but she needs to think about it. The risks vs the benefits. Encouraging her to be realistic is the right thing to do. Her risks and the probable outcome are what most posters are encouraging her to look at.

 

Ditto.

 

I think going back and forth is normal. Most people, even those not in As, don't end things once and for all and never look back. I went NC and broke it, then went NC and broke it. But I think that was beneficial for me, as during the period we didn't talk, although there was anxiety and I missed him....I still had a chance to step back and breathe. Talking to him all the time and hanging out, continuing to have sex etc. didn't help me. When I broke NC and did that I felt terrible...then would go back NC and would feel some relief...until I missed him again. I don't think you can avoid the back and forth, the point as you said, is to be realistic and assess your relationship. You can't assess it post-orgasm or while he and his wife are arguing and emotions are high and he's running to you for comfort.

 

There is NO clean way to end or weigh an affair. NONE. Sorry. Once you're in a relationship with someone married to someone who is pregnant with his child...there is no clean, easy, unpainful way of going forward. ALL attempts to disengage or take some time to think will be uncomfortable...some more than others. The author suggests cold turkey...just ending it once and for all...how many people can do that? Most people go NC as a way of building up to the final end. She cites cocaine addicts...any kind of addict in reality often goes back and forth before the final break. Her solution is no different than NC frankly...I expected some other kind of groundbreaking solution that was opposite and better than NC...but there wasn't one.

[nofool4u]

I also decided that when I came home I would end my marriage

 

Good idea. Your H doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

 

And do right by him with regards to the divorce and custody. You cheated, he shouldn't have to suffer with insult to injury.

 

 

His wife found out, it was supposed to end then, it didn't. I decided to tell my H. I felt I needed to tell him, I couldn't lie anymore about what had happened, it was eating me up! but I quickly regretted it because it hurt him so deeply and it turned our amicable separation into a very strained separation - he was so (rightly) angry at my betrayal!.

 

Actually, you shouldn't regret this. He needs to be angry at you, he needed to know what happened, otherwise he would be conflicted as to the marriage ending and wouldn't really know why the towel was thrown in.

 

Now that he knows, he can see you for what you are, he can get angry, and that will help him get over you and the loss of the marriage easier.

 

 

He wants to leave her. He says he didn't realize how unhappy he was in his marriage until he fell for me.

 

Ya, heard that one before. Could be he was unhappy with banging the same woman for years. Of course being with you was wonderful. He hasn't lived life with you and went through the daily trials of being married with kids.

 

He says his wife won't let him go out with friends, he's not allowed a beer, etc, etc, etc.

 

Well obviously she had good reason to not be comfortable with him going out. He isn't trustworthy.

 

 

They have two children, and one on the way.

 

One on the way eh? Well then, so much for being unhappy in the marriage:rolleyes:

 

 

I am scared. I care for him deeply. In fact I believe I love him, the thing is I had a rough childhood and I have intimacy issues. When I'm with him I feel so happy and calm and I enjoy every second of his company! However I can feel his love growing so strong and deep and it's scares me a little - I am known for pushing people away when they get to close to my heart.

 

Yup, just give it a few years of being with him every day. The 7 year itch will set in with one or both of you.

 

I think its best that if he ends up leaving his wife, that you two never marry. You aren't fit for it. That way when one of you gets bored and starts developing an attraction for something new, you won't have to worry about going through divorce again.

 

 

What about his wife? - How will I cope knowing I have participated in something that has broken her heart and torn her family apart, that I have stolen her husband.

 

Too late, that has already happened, whether he stays with her or not.

 

 

How will I handle the judgement of everyone knowing I 'stole' a pregnant woman's husband?

 

Thats just something you'll have to suck up and take.

 

I feel that we need to make it right with our current spouses because we have children and so both BS will always be in the picture.

 

Now thats the first sensible thing I have heard. You both want to make it right, this is how you do it since you both are the cheaters in this situation.

 

You: split the marital assets, but as far as custody, you let him decide. 50/50 would be fair, but if he wants custody, I don't think you should fight it.

If you want to make it right, its not fair that you get to rain all this down on him, get custody, and he ends up having to pay you support.

 

This is what would be "right". The law is another matter, but if you really care what would make it "right", that would be it.

 

MM: He should not fight custody whatsoever, because one, he won't get it, pay his wife child support. I don't really believe in spousal support, but seeing as he is a cheater, I think she deserves it for at least 5 years.

 

 

Am I crazy? Am I crazy for wanting this? Do I even want this? How do I know what I want? I am so scared of everything right now but yet I can't stop thinking of him! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

What you want right now isn't a huge consideration. But setting your H free from you and doing right by him with regards to custody is.

[whichwayisup]

Good luck! Hope everything works out for you. It does seem positive that your MM and his wife are separated. That's a pretty big step to take when your wife is pregnant. The process may well be underway.

 

They haven't separated yet. All that's happened is, his wife found out about the A, then she took him back. They ended the A but now it's back on again. He hasn't spoken to his wife (yet), she doesn't know about 'his plan' to separate, divorce and be with the OP. Unless I missed the part that actually says "they have separated" ... Only thing that implies it is the title of her thread. Words and actions are two different things.

[LiHai]

What makes you think that in another 7 years with the MM you won't have the exact same issues that you have with your current husband?

 

I do worry about this. Not the 7 year itch part, but more that I have intimacy issues and that they will surface again and ruin my next relationship unless I take steps to heal myself. While with my H I saw a counselor to help myself, and while it helped, I feel I had caused a deep rift in my marriage already, my husband could only deal with so much pushing away. Over the years my H felt anger towards me as I couldn't love him the way he needed and I feel guilt over this.

 

I am currently seeing a counselor again, I know I have stuff to work out.

 

Seriously, you say that your marriage has been rocky but why? Why did you almost separate in December? Was it something really bad or was it something that became exacerbated in your mind?

 

I know my marriage has been rocky. Mainly because of my issues. My H knew this when we went into a relationship, but he cares for me deeply and was willing to work with me. In December we talked long and hard about separating, we decided to give it one last chance as we have a solid friendship and a child together. However, while he still loves me, he no longer can deal with me hurting him, and I cannot hurt him any further.

 

First of all it sounds like you are self aware enough to know about your own issues with intimacy. Do you think this played a part in your marital problems? How do plan on dealing with your issues besides dumping your husband and running off with the next best thing? A new guy is not going to fix you on the inside. Have you considered counselling?

 

I partially answered this above. Yeah I do believe my issues played a large part in our marriage problems. I am seeing a counselor and my goal is to work on healing myself. I fear if I don't work these things out, I will repeat this situation over and over. I fear that I won't ever really be able to love anyone, although I may feel like I can.

 

You do need to focus on your families and seeing that they get through this without more pain. Your kids and his kids should be the top priority in all of this mess and it sounds like you have been handling your seperation and divorce with care.

 

You're right. This needs to be my top priority. I know that I must focus on my family and xH as best as I can before jumping into a new relationship. It is hard though when I really do care for MM.

 

how can she take him back, unless he is asking for her to do so? Is he apologetic on ddays and asks to be forgiven or taken back? If so....then why would he do that if he was so unhappy? In any case, he doesn't seem like you. It doesn't seem like he was all along wanting to divorce and was planning to do so with or without you in the picture. That makes me worried. Him leaving "for you" may be a part of the affair fog and if so, you will be very disappointed, if once you get him, he was only suffering from a grass is greener syndrome.

 

This worries me too and I think what I will focus on the most. I care for him, as I know he does for me. I do believe he will leave his wife. I'm just not sure he will do it for the right reasons and I don't want to allow this situation to get more messy than it already is. I'm aware of what I need to do now, it's having the courage to follow through with what I know is best for me and my family (and him and his family).

 

It's like people often want to go from A, to divorce, to moving in together, which to me seems insane. I get that some people in single relationships fall inlove fast and rush into living together or even marrying, but that often turns out into a disaster as well. Making permanent decisions on what may be temporary feelings is not wise and every relationship needs room to breathe, should be used as a time to actually discover if you have what it takes to invest greater levels of commitment.

 

I think this is an important point too. My H and I rushed into a relationship (it seem to be what I do!) and I don't think it was good for us. I need to sort out my issues and then if I go into a relationship, strive to take it as slow as possible. That's not easy when I crave love. I crave love like a child craves love from a parent....

 

I really appreciated your reply MissBee.

 

This man is showing you that he isn't capable right now, maybe never, of taking the bull by the horns and making his own decisions. From what you write, if he is with you now, it's because his wife will eventually have had enough and you'll get him by default. You don't want him that way, do you?

 

LadyGrey - I thought this was spot on. I had wondered this but never really put my finger on it. I feel that he must be able to take care of himself and make his own decisions, otherwise I will be mother like to him and I will find it all a bit needy and that will most definitely push me away. God I've made a mess of things. The crazy thing is if you knew me, you would never think I would let myself get into a situation like this! Why did I let myself get to this place? I feel like I am deliberately sabotaging my life. Something I was known for doing, but have been in a much better place for the last so many years, but here I am again sabotaging myself.

 

When is the MM's W due?

In 3/4 months I think.

 

But dragging along in the midst of a mess is not very helpful to you or anyone else. It most likely just means you are scared that it won't work out, and you're attached so you can't let go and allow it space because you're scared it will end.

 

Again MissBee I think you are spot on. I am going to read your posts over and over again when I feel weak towards the decision I am making.

 

I'm sure getting some space to think for HERSELF and what's best for HER and her life without him pressuring her and saying he's leaving for her and he can't do NC, will only help. One cannot undo what has already occurred in a relationship, but every minute, every hour, every day is a new day, with new choices and you can choose to do things differently.

 

This is what I need to do. Give myself time to heal from my marriage break up. Give myself time to reflect on my life and where it is heading. Jumping into a new relationship right cannot be good for me, no matter how much I care for the MM. The MM comes with so much baggage (and so do I!!) and the reality is, if it wasn't for me, he would still be in a marriage with a woman whom he cares for. Sure he may have been unhappy but he would have gone along with it and still had a good life. I seem better, more fun, but the reality he only knows the portion of me that I show him.

 

I just wanted to also say, that I care for my H, even though we are separated. There will be no spousal support, only child support. I will take the kids (I have a daughter from a previous relationship) but only because he works fulltime and this is what we both want. My plan is to get a job once I graduate and then my H will go to back to uni. And I will support him by not asking for child support etc, so that he can get through his 3 years of study with support, the same as he helped me.

 

I may have screwed things up with my marriage but I am a good person and will do whatever it takes to keep a friendship with my H and to help him and myself move towards the future as best as we can. I really appreciated all the responses I got. It's so good to see things from other peoples perspective and not just my own.

 

So NC is the way forward I will see him tonight as we are both invited to an event...I don't think I should do it tonight (I cannot miss this event, it is for my best friend - whom I adore!) Do I tell him in person, email, call?

[whichwayisup]

In 3/4 months I think.

 

Do you truly believe that he is going to leave his new baby? What kind of man leaves his kids and new born? The fallout is going to be HUGE for him. He loses respect from everybody (his own parents, siblings), his in laws, as well as his wife will hate him. He could some friends, as well as deal with the gossip at work.

 

If a marriage, kids already and another on the way cannot keep this guy faithful and at home, what makes you think/believe he won't do this to you in the future? He's already shown who he is, how he handles things. I mean, your thread title even says MM leaving wife. The thing is, he HASN'T left. Yes, she found out about the affair, reacted and kicked him out. She 'took him back'. Right there he could have not gone back, started separation procedures, but he didn't. He ended things with you, went NC but then started the A again. That is a man (Sorry I know I said this earlier too, but I think it IS something you need to pay attention to) who doesn't follow through, he gives you broken promises.

 

Focus on you, your counseling, ending your marriage peacefully, take time to heal and grieve your own loss of what you shared with your husband. It's SO unhealthy to leave one life and start another life with someone else so soon. And this guy is STILL at home, living life with his wife.

[whichwayisup]

So NC is the way forward I will see him tonight as we are both invited to an event...I don't think I should do it tonight (I cannot miss this event, it is for my best friend - whom I adore!) Do I tell him in person, email, call?

 

Do what you think is best and easiest for you. If you can handle talking to him face to face, end it and ask him to please respect your desire to do NC and only contact you once he is out of the house and papers are filed (with proof!) or when he is divorced, then you will consider 'dating' him OUT of the affair dynamic. That portion of what you shared with him has to die out.

 

If you think email is better and you'll be stronger, than do it that way. Just don't let him convince or manipulate you, use your emotions against you.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I did. Thanks.

[2sunny]

His wife leaving for now is a far cry from his divorce being FINAL...

[Alice2012]

You may have missed this part:

 

Nobody missed that part. That part is actually very telling.

 

The wife kicked him to the curb and has had enough. Not the other way around. And it's more than likely he's working overtime to convince his very pregnant wife to come back home and work things out.

 

I highly doubt this cake eater is making any real plans to move out while his very pregnant wife is with family getting HER "act together." He's hoping he can work his charm again, but it looks like his wife is taking control now. Good for her.

 

And if he is making plans to leave the house, it's obviously because his wife is forcing him to leave. Hence the reason why she doesn't want to be in the same home right now with this fool.

 

That's not "leaving" his wife.

 

Besides, he's going to use the new baby as a means to get out of the dog house if she does succeed in getting him to move out.

 

He's a cake eater through and through and this story (and it's predictable outcome) is not unique. The OP will not have the happy ending she desires.

Edited June 23, 2012 by Alice2012

[2sunny]

Yes miss the event! No reason to explain anything to him. Just disappear!

 

Focus on you and getting healthy. Focus on doing what is RIGHT no matter what! Focus on causing no harm to yourself and no one else.

 

Stay out of that "friendship/relationship! It's not for YOU to be involved in THEIR MARRIAGE!

 

Step away! Get healthy! Make good decisions that make you proud of yourself!

[StuckAtHome]

It seems like a difficult situation, the BS being pregnant at all. That's a lot for your MM to deal with. That said, I never understood the benefit of going NC once you are already in a relationship with someone. It's not like they aren't going to occupy space in your mind and heart during this time. Once a relationship has started, there is no turning around, no undoing a relationship through NC, unless you mean to end it forever IMO.

 

Good luck! Hope everything works out for you. It does seem positive that your MM and his wife are separated. That's a pretty big step to take when your wife is pregnant. The process may well be underway.

 

big step? what the hell is wrong with you?