no time...

[lostgirl77]

I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2+ years now. 1 year 2 months in the same city, then he moved to another state about a year ago for fellowship training. He's gonna be in the east coast until June 2013. He visited me about 4 times last year, and I've been going back and forth every 5 weeks or so since my schedule is more flexible than his. I work three times a week, he works over 80 hours a week, spending most of his time at the hospital for his training.

 

He has been the sweetest, most romantic guy I have ever dated, until he moved and he got so busy that he doesnt have time or means anymore. He spends all of his salary (for training) for rent and food, and has almost nothing left for personal use.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. And I do love him too. And we have plans to move in together and have a family by the time he finishes his training and finds a real job as a surgeon in July 2013. My problem is that I have been stressing him so much because of my neediness. I feel lonely being out here in the west coast. We text each other everyday and maybe 2-3 minute phone call most days, facetime about once per week for about 5-10 minutes. Yet, I still feel like it's not enough. He told me that its only gonna get worse as he starts his last year of fellowship this coming July. I dont really wanna burden him. I dont want to stress him. But I do not know exactly what to do. I want him to miss me and talk to me and spend time with me, but I think he is consumed by work and has no time to really be attentive to me.

 

How do I get myself together, not be needy, give him what he needs and yet not let our love grow cold? Oh, I need some attention too.

[pettie]

Ah.. I remember going through this at the very early stages, when my relationship became a LDR. It's pretty hard at the beginning, especially when one is busier than the other. I was very busy, but he was way busier than me.

 

This is what we did: While it was ok to "bump" into the other on facebook chat, skype, etc; we agreed on having at least on definite set date during the weekends, be it both days or only sat/sun. We agreed that it was good for both of us, for me, as I wouldn't be stressing so much over "not knowing" when he was going to have time for me, and for him, as he would be able to plan his studies/work around that time.

 

Still, during the weekdays, we would keep in contact via SMS', even if it was only one "have a great day today!" when we didn't meet online. This works great and drama-free (ie- "he is taking hours to get back to me!" drama) only if you are not always expecting a reply. It also helped that we are not the kind of people that would have actual conversations via text. One "hey, thinking of you. Love you." can make a lot.

 

Anyway, as time went by, I was more relaxed about it and learned (yes, the hard way) to be patient, and well, in the end, he started to reach out for me, more and more :), even when he was as busy as usual. Now I think we are almost balanced.

 

I want him to miss me and talk to me and spend time with me, but I think he is consumed by work and has no time to really be attentive to me.

 

Of course he misses you . You know that he is very busy. Precisely because of that, try to think about his efforts to try to keep in touch with you, even if it's just 2 or 3 minutes. A little change of mentality worked for me too. Instead of thinking "he doesn't have enough time for me, ugh" is better to think: "oh, he doesn't have enough time for me but still calls me". You'll appreciate that. It really makes a difference.

[lostgirl77]

Thanks Pettie! I know in my heart, I should be the one who needs to change her mentality. Most days I'm good, but some days I just try to pick a fight. I don't know how we can survive this next year drama free. I am thinking of planning out my trips more often, so we can be together at least in the evenings a few days each month just to secure our next 12 months of being apart. Although expensive, I make good amount of money and can afford it. Even if he finds time, he really doesnt have enough money right now tp be able to afford trips from east - west coasts. So although people say when a man really loves you, he will always find time to see you or always find a way to be able to make a trip even if they dont have money. I dont necessarily agree given his situation. Do you think I'm right?

[pettie]

I know. Some days are hard. You just have to focus on the big picture and remember that what are a few months out of a lifetime together.

 

If you can afford it, I don't see any problem with it.

 

So although people say when a man really loves you, he will always find time to see you or always find a way to be able to make a trip even if they dont have money.

 

IMO, that's a very romanticised point of view. I've had the same too. Sometimes you just have to be practical. If in this moment you are the one that can afford it and you both feel comfortable doing so, I don't think it should be a problem, just make sure to discuss it with him first, because even if you are totally ok doing it, he might feel a bit... "guilty" about it.

 

I've been there too. My bf is a very traditional guy and doesn't like me spending a lot of money in "us". He thinks that is mostly his responsability, while I believe it should be shared within reason and minding the current circunstances. What are your bf's views on this? Try talking about this with him and hear his opinion.

 

Another thing to consider is the time. If he is going to be busier, perhaps even if you are there, he is not going to have a lot of time to spend with you anyway. He might have to be away at work for the whole day, leaving you on your own. Are you ok with that? Also, you don't want him worrying about you waiting for him at home. I'm not saying that this is a bad idea, but it's just something you have to keep in mind because such little things can easily create fights.

 

I don't pretend to be a relationship-expert, I'm just sharing my own experiences. Hope this helps.