My ex wants to be with me exclusively but not officially, and I want the title

[LaPrincesa712]

My 10 month old boyfriend and I just broke up about a month a a half ago. He says he still loves me and is still deeply in love with me, but is not sure about whether or not he wants to be with me. He says he felt as though I took away from him being with his friends. He says, that that was not my fault because he would always invite me along when they did hang out, and he did not know how to break it to me that he needed a "guys night out". Now, he wants to be with me exclusively but not have the boyfriend-girlfriend title, it's too much "responsibility"(his word exactly). I am not sure on what to do because I love him so much and find myself to be very attached to him. He is my first real relationship, and I have hope that maybe things will work out for us.

Is he worth all this? Will he ever come around, or am I just on the road to heart ache all over again? Am I holding on to false hopes as an excuse to be with him? We've gone through so much, I feel that if I let go now all this time has meant nothing.

[Mr Spock]

Ha ha, 10 month old boyfriend

 

 

Are you willing to settle for less? I wouldn't be (after hard lessons learned mind you) what do you say when you introduce each other? It seems awkward to me. And a little suspicious......it's like a relationship without comittment. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. If I were you, I wouldn't go for that. Because this is your first real relationship it may feel like you want to hang on to it but hon, I'm quite sure there are going to be tons of guys lined up fighting to take his place. You may even want to invest in a big stick to keep the masses back.

 

I don't think time spent with someone you care about is nothing. You take away knowledge, and life experience. Really. Keep the upper hand in this-cut him loose. Focus on having a good time with friends and family, don't allow him acess to you emotionally and physically if he's not going to honour you properly.

[LaPrincesa712]

Thank you for replying. I just feel that since his first relationship went bad (she cheated on him way too many times, he is traumatised) he is having doubts about us. Do you think I'm just making up excuses to hold on? I just can't believe how a person can say, "I love you, I'm in love with you but one day I want to be with you and the next day I don't...I'm just confused"....what is that?!

[kirkyswife]

Focus on having a good time with friends and family, don't allow him acess to you emotionally and physically if he's not going to honour you properly.

 

I'm with Spock on this one - never forsake yourself for anyone EVER. You deserve the title, exclusivity the whole 9 yards and you should NEVER consider accepting less. Set boundaries that guide your life and relationships and never steer from them. For insight into boundaries here's a wonderful site that will assist you in understanding the who, what, when, where, why and how:

 

http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

 

Stay strong and Always Put Yourself First (after your maker)

[NatoPMT]

i had a little snigger at the 10 month old bf thing too.

 

I read somehing recently about how men can find it difficult to maintain their own identity in relationships, (as do some women). At first, you want to bond as a couple, then 6 months to a year down the line, a more realistic relationship boundary must be established and you start to refind who you are as an individual, and if you can balance that with your partners needs, you get over the issue as a couple and create a equilibrium that works. Men also find being 'responsible' for someone elses feelings too much - they are always being told 'you made me feel this way' - when really you made yourself feel that way, nooone else can make you feel any way, you are responsible for yourself and how you react. I'm not saying that you make him responsible for your feelings, but its very common to do so.

 

I guess the lesson to the rest of us is that if your partner doesnt give you the opportunity for alone time or time with friends, you must make that opportunity yourself

 

In my opinion, this could be salvagable. If you are prepared to slow down and move at a pace thats comfortable for both of you, you could well build back up to a gf 'label', but if you cant do that, then you have to cut lose or its not fair on either of you. Its a case of going as slow as the slower partner wants to take it, not as fast as the faster partner wants to go - across all relationships. I do feel if you understood what caused the split, youd be more willing to build more slowly for a better future together - you could each a better understanding of each other through this hiccup. If you really arent comfortable with how things are, you make the decision to split for good. he should have explained how he was feeling but he didnt, if you can negotiate for more honesty, you are going in the right direction.

 

Hope it works out

[faux]

Originally posted by LaPrincesa712

Now, he wants to be with me exclusively but not have the boyfriend-girlfriend title, it's too much "responsibility"(his word exactly)

 

That is quite interesting. I find it fascinating how people will say that they do not want something, and then will explain what they do want, which is precisely the same thing that they do not want. If this guy wants to be with you exclusively, it is a relationship, and it would fall under "boyfriend/girlfriend."

 

I have gone through this with people who wanted "friends with benefits" yet "no relationship". Or "dating exclusively" with "no relationship". There were even many times, and quite recently, someone who wanted to date, have sex, and not consider it a relationship was it would not be exclusive. It is still a relationship! Presently, she is trapped now with this other guy, which turned into a relationship, and is confused over the situation. I could have told her something like that would happen.

 

Then there are those who dislike "titles", as it "makes things more complicated". However I look at it, if you are intimate with someone, it becomes a relationship. Even if both parties propose not to consider it a relationship, ALL of the stresses and responsibilities which come with a relationship are involved in such arrangements.

 

To me, it is like saying, "I want some coffee, but I don't want some coffee."

[HoldOn]

To me, it is like saying, "I want some coffee, but I don't want some coffee."

 

Yeah, it's like saying. "I don't want coffee, but would you mind flying down to Columbia, harvesting some coffee beans, then grinding them and brewing them into coffee. But DON'T call it coffee!!"

 

Anyway, LaPrincesa, I don't know if this is salvagable or not. But if he says he needs more time with the guys, make sure to give it to him. The guy's job is to drive a relationship forward and a girl's job to put on the brakes a little.

 

If you want to continue a relationship with him, let him make all the plans, give him lots of chances to go out with the guys, don't call him unless you're returning his calls. He wants to be in control, so let him. Also, you should try to only have 2-3 dates a week or something.

 

How annoying, though, that he would invite you along on the guys night and then make you feel bad for coming. This guy's got a problem.

[CurlyIam]

I would have understood if this happened at the beginning, but after 10 months, it's a "no no" for sure.

 

Don't even hesitate in turning him down! HE's gotta live without you and if, after that, he wants to really get back with you, tell him to call. Have some pride!