barese1 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Hi all loveshackers, ****This guide isn't finished and I want to write something that will help lots of people. I only spent an hour writing this so will need to redo it. It is written for the dumpee. Any input is greatly appreciated******* I have read so many guides, gone through so much myself that I want to try and write down exactly what it is you need to do to help you heal. I am by no means healed, I am missing that one very much but these things WILL help. I have set it out in stages as everyone has their own time frame with how long they take to heal and move on based on their own experiences, personalities and type of relationship/breakup. Some people may jump through stages every week, some every month, some years. Stage 1 - The breakup So the person you valued most in the world broke up with you because they cheated/wanted more/weren't ready for what you wanted/ were a cat person and you are a dog person - whatever. Relationships break up for all sorts of reasons but the bottom line is if they want it to be over it is. The sooner you accept that they don't want to be with you the better for you. You will only begin to heal when you truly see they do not want to be with you. This is the first point of acceptance. They have made a decision. At this point no amount of begging will help so try to accept it. 1) Closure – I think its important to say everything you want to say at this point. Let them know how you feel about them. Be honest, tell them you want them but if that's how they feel then say you will accept it (even if you don't at this point). Early after the break up you will probably reflect on the last conversation you had so you should try to get all you need to say across at that final point. They will probably want to be friends or be in touch but tell them honestly 'If we are going to be friends one day, I need time away from you. I will call you when I'm ready to be friends. Right now I don't see you as a friend. Call me only if you feel we should try again, otherwise let me get over this' Or something like this – just make sure that you let them know exactly how you feel. You may be able to be friends one day but not right now, not when you are in love with them. 2) Grieve – Straight after its happened you will feel like you have been shot in the heart. All you will think about is their face and what went wrong and what you could have done blah blah blah. There's no point saying DON'T do this because right now its too raw to see any logical reasoning. This is fine, so for now -Cry -Get angry -Break things -Drink -Slag them off -Miss them Just get it all out. Let your emotions be raw. When someone close to you dies do you accept it straight away? No. You grieve and then after acceptance move on. 3) Truths – When the initial wave of emotions dies down, I know you are thinking 'but it won't', I mean just enough that you can speak, read something, act a little bit like a normal person you must begin to acknowledge a few things. From here we will discuss how you can begin to build a plan that will help you heal. That is all this guide is for, for you to heal. So here is a list of things that you must accept, some will take time, some will be immediate but all are equally important: -What you had is over -Whatever you feel you could have said/done to change things would not have changed things -This will be a hard journey but you CAN get through it. -What you had is over -You cannot be friends or talk until you are healed -You will not win them back right now -What you had is over -They do not want to be with you or they would be -You will meet someone else one day -What you had is over -You will feel like a normal person again one day -They were not as great as you think they were -What you had is over -You will have time to develop as a person, which will be great if you use it wisely -Time will heal the hurt, it will not be as intense, you must believe this -What you had is over -Millions of people have been as low as you are now and have come out stronger -There will be good days and bad days -What you had is over These are some of the fundamental facts that you will have to accept. You may notice that one is repeated time and time again. Why? Well it is the biggest thing that will stop you moving on. Believing that there's a chance, false hope that its not really over will mean you will not start to heal. This is the most important thing to accept but the hardest. At the beginning you will not accept this at all. But with time you will begin to, and that day will be horrible, but it is the start of an upward journey to being better. At this early stage you might still be in bed every minute of the day and unable to begin your battleplan so just read that list and try and accept one point. Look on the threads here and you will see that people have managed all of them, and they are truths, not hopes. Stage 2 – Battleplan You need to accept that right now there is a battle going on in your heart and mind. The want to have them back, hold on to those thoughts of you together, reminiscing etc. Right now you need to fight this battle to save your sanity. I am not being dramatic, if you are there now or have been before you know I am serious. People really lose it after a break up and go off the rails, the quicker you implement your plan the less likely you are to go mental! 1) No Contact!!!! - You will no doubt have read this all over the internet. It is not a tool to win your ex back, make them miss you or see what they have lost. It is simply a means for you to move on. It will be near impossible to maintain but I positively guarantee you that the pain (which diminishes) from NC will be nothing compared to the pain you will feel after an ignored message, heartless comment, knowing they are having fun or seeing someone else. This has been written countless times but NC means just that. No phone calls, texts, emails, facebook stalking (block them, don't delete, BLOCK), myspace, msn...nothing. You must disappear from their life and they must disappear from yours. Destroy or pack away all photos, gifts and cards they ever gave you. One day you will be able to look at this stuff but not now. I would delete their number from your phone as well. Do not fish from mutual friends about what they are doing. Imagine hearing the worst..that they are already happy with someone else. How would that make you feel? Like sh*t. If you hear nothing the pain CANNOT get worse, or at least it won't be a new pain. Remember it is like an addiction, you will want that fix but you will not heal if you keep getting that hit. A heroin addict only stops when they go cold turkey, you need to do this. Someone here posted on one of my threads 'would you heal a burn with fire?' I couldn't think of a better analogy. If you are thinking 'but if I keep NC then they will never want to be with me' – sorry that's already happened. You will appear stronger for NC and will heal 200% faster than if you don't. Times will be hard, mornings, nights, when something good/bad happens, but you cannot break. Some tips to maintain NC -Remind yourself it is over -Anything you say will just make you look weak/pathetic/desperate in their eyes -Nothing you will say now will change their feelings -You WILL get better if you keep NC -Text friends instead of your ex -Write the text/email and don't send it, look at it 2 days later and see that it would be a mistake to send it -Set some targets, 1 day, 2, days, 1 week, 2 weeks, a month. Mark a calendar if you like -Write down what you want to say to them and tear it up -If you break NC you will be back at square one -NC is for you to heal and be a better person -You will appear like a whiny little b*tch to them -Do you really want to hear how great they are finding life? -You will realise that they are probably more over you than you are over them -Write on LS thread 'Write here instead of contacting your ex' -Read what other people have written on that thread and see how desperate they would sound 2)Though stopping – The hardest thing is that person being on your mind all the time. No matter how much you tell them to sod off they will be there all the time. All through the day everything will remind you of them. This will go in time but you can speed it up. -Write down a list of about ten memories that make you happy -My list has funny things my friends have done, my favourite foods, seeing my family -Make sure the list has nothing to do with your ex -Really visualise this list and feel the feelings they produce -Ten times a day let the thought of your ex enter your mind -Shout STOP or snap a rubber band around your wrist -Immediately replace that though with one from your happy list This will be hard to begin with, and you will hate the idea of bringing on thoughts of the ex but it does work. Memories are learned and can be unlearned, or replaced. The more you practice this the easier it will get. Whenever you think of that person during the day, say stop and replace the thought with one from your list. This is THE best tool to cut down the amount of time you spend thinking about them. Record how much you think of them everyday. I use my phone and save a tally mark list in a message then write it down at home later. An example of how this works, in the first week after NC I was thinking about the ex about 60 times a day, week 4 and its 15 times a day. That's incredible! 3)Write it all down – Post on LS about what you are feeling. People here have all been through it and are on your side. Write a journal of your feelings and read back through them. See how they change from day to day? They will even more once you begin to feel better. Read other threads, some are so useful its amazing. Even if you know all they say, reading it again will help to reinforce these ideas. 4) Friends are important – To begin with you should speak to your close friends about how you feel and the ex. But remember, if you talk about them all the time they will still be on your mind and you will not heal. I write down a check-list and tick off a day when I haven't spoke about the ex. I haven't managed a week yet and that gives me a goal to go for. Your friends will eventually get fed up with hearing about this so use LS or the Samaritans if you really want to go over things you have said a million times before. If you feel you are depressed and talking is not helping, go to a counsellor or therapist. Remember some therapists will not suit you so see a few. See your doctor if you are feeling suicidal, they will most likely prescribe some SSRIs which are helpful if you are in a really dark place, but I would say hold off a month before taking these. They can be a lifelong commitment and it is better to have the tools to deal with depression than the drugs. 5) Eat – When you are depressed you will lose your appetite. I am terrible for this. At this stage eat anything that you feel you can stomach. Even junk (as long as you aren't binge eating). I found in the early stages smoothies and juices gave me at least something I could stomach. Then toast, then pizza now I'm starting to eat everything again. A lot less than I used to but it will get there. Maybe multi vitamins for the time being whilst you are trying to get your appetite back. 6) Exercise – You will not want to but it realeses endorphins and does alleviate stress. Start small. Long walks, maybe a jog, light weights, a swim, heavier weights, a run, sport. You will feel better, it will help you sleep (which is tough right?) and eventually you will look better building your confidence. 7) Concentrate on you – This is your time. You can do whatever the fu*k you want to do. Learn a language blah blah blah, there are hundreds of websites telling you this. Just use this time to grow and develop as a person. Stay busy, concentrate on something that you are passionate about. Who cares if its World of Warcraft or a thesis on Anti Cancer medication, whatever you feel absorbed in is good. Begin to do things that make you a better person. Volunteer, join clubs, try something new just because you can, go on holiday, throw yourself into work. Whatever it takes. 8) What you had is over – You must accept this point. It is so hard but if you are doing all of what I have stated then you will be thinking about them less and acting more like you. But you will still miss them and not believe it is over, you have to let go. As soon as you truly see its over you will begin to become the new you. If you hold on to any hope at all you will never truly heal. You will just be getting better at hiding your deep pain. As soon as that acceptance is there, the future will seem exciting rather than scary. Stage 3 – It still hurts but you are beginning to function more normally *****I haven't the time to write this section yet but will do soon****** Much love 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 similar to Caliguys guide.. TD Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 I actually thought it was quite different...o well Link to post Share on other sites
edwards99 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 looking fwd to more...thank you..really..thank u Link to post Share on other sites
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 I think this post is outstanding! There's something about your writing that is hitting home for me...please keep it coming and thank you! All your hard work makes me want to finally win at NC and most importantly...finally heal! Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 i dint say u should stop writing OP,i mean its a good guide,its just caliguys seems to be a shorter version,but you made it more detailed .Good job btw Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 This is great. I can apply a lot of it to my life, but not all because I dated a sociopathic bastard. Still, I can learn from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 The problem I find is I do all the right things, but it still takes me too long to get over someone. Logically I know its a waste of time, but you can't help how you feel. If we were able to have our memory erased I would've seriously considered it. Link to post Share on other sites
peppapig Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 this is great, thanks, accepting it is over is the hardest part, i cant help but have a tiny bit of hope that he will wake up and smell the coffee......... but its over !!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Norse Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 This guide is amazing, this should be stickied, it came along just in time to help me. Link to post Share on other sites
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 The problem I find is I do all the right things, but it still takes me too long to get over someone. Logically I know its a waste of time, but you can't help how you feel. If we were able to have our memory erased I would've seriously considered it. Sugarkane... you should watch the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (if you haven't already). I use to say the same thing about erasing memories of an ex. See the movie and let me know how you feel about that afterwards. I was even thinking of starting a thread on this exact topic. I'm sure many would like to do this, but haven't considered certain lessons, growth, and self-awareness that would also disappear with those memories if they were to be erased. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 Yes I have see the movie before, it's a great movie. Still wish I could've had it erased though. Link to post Share on other sites
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 sugarkane, I can't find your OP of what the last straw was with your ex that makes you want to forget him. Was it the way things ended, or the you were treated in the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
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