Spouse hindering your walk with God?

[M30USA]

My STBXW is very worldly. While we aren't rich, she comes from a family which values wealth, houses, and material things. I am the exact opposite. I know that worldly pursuits are snares that keep us unable to serve God. Don't get me wrong--I have a mediocre job, a home, a respectable car, etc, but I just hate all the attention she puts on clothing, house renovation, and popular new technologies. Her family believes that wealth is a blessing from God which results from obedience. I know otherwise: the Bible says God, himself, sends poverty and wealth. They believe in security from wealth. I know security is an illusion outside of God. And even if God chooses, he is justified in sending poverty to a righteous man or wealth to a wicked man.

 

How am I supposed to handle a wife (or STBXW) who is so stuck on worldly issues? Here is the worst part: I feel that in order to fulfill my husband role to her, I must neglect my relationship with God and do what he commands me NOT to do!

[Feelin Frisky]

I got some news for you. The god concept is a "belief"--not a fact. And because it is a belief, it is subjective--meaning it's what you make it. No god shows up to suspend the laws of nature--ever. If the laws of physics and nature were periodically interfered with by a interceding god, very little in the way of human progress would ever have been made because people would spend all their time praying for things instead of working for them. You may choose to take the figments of faith-lore and the canon of Jewish fable called the Bible as truth and that's your business but it is you who are being selfish and contentious--faulting others for not climbing inside the same hole in the ground in which you have buried your head.

[M30USA]

We both agreed on being Bible-believing Christians. Your post is irrelevant. Next post please.

[BetheButterfly]

My STBXW

 

What does STBW mean please?

 

is very worldly. While we aren't rich, she comes from a family which values wealth, houses, and material things. I am the exact opposite. I know that worldly pursuits are snares that keep us unable to serve God. Don't get me wrong--I have a mediocre job, a home, a respectable car, etc, but I just hate all the attention she puts on clothing, house renovation, and popular new technologies. Her family believes that wealth is a blessing from God which results from obedience. I know otherwise: the Bible says God, himself, sends poverty and wealth. They believe in security from wealth. I know security is an illusion outside of God. And even if God chooses, he is justified in sending poverty to a righteous man or wealth to a wicked man.

 

How am I supposed to handle a wife (or STBXW) who is so stuck on worldly issues? Here is the worst part: I feel that in order to fulfill my husband role to her, I must neglect my relationship with God and do what he commands me NOT to do!

That is a very interesting question, which I think many Christians struggle with, because Jesus said, " Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” (en Matthew 19:16-27).

 

Personally, I understand where you are coming from, but I also understand your wife?'s family feels. It is so much easier to help people when one has the means to do so.

 

How I personally would handle the issue is the following:

 

1. Pray - ask God to give you wisdom, and also ask God to help her grow in her relationship with Him.

2. Continue to work in your job and pay bills, but set aside time each week to help make a positive difference. I don't know what interests you... my husband loves sports and is interested in helping in the soccer ministry at church. There are many ways, that don't necessarily involve spending money, to help those in need, like volunteering in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, or seeing if you can help an elderly lady who is in need of help. There are many elderly people who need work done to their house but can't afford it.

3. I personally don't think that working for a living hurts one's relationship with God. However, I do think it really helps to spend time with God, praying and singing songs to Him, reading His Word, and just having a time dedicated for worshiping Him. It doesn't need to be a long time...

4. I don't advise trying to get her to think like you. Rather, I do think it is good to accept her how she is, and strive personally to give time to spending it with God and helping others in ways that don't necessarily involve money. She may see and decide she would like to do the same, and put less focus on the money and more focus on the helping and spending time. If not, I personally don't think Jesus wants us to leave our families. I don't think Peter left his wife. I think Jesus wants us to love our families and take care of them, and spend time in helping others too.

 

As Jesus said are the 2 greatest commands: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[Deut. 6:5] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[Lev. 19:18] (in Matthew 22:37-39)

 

One's family is many times one's closest neighbor, and I believe family is important to God, so taking care of them/loving them is obeying God too.

 

God bless you

[M30USA]

Butterfly,

 

Thanks for reasonable response. I obviously do have a job. Ive not stopped working for nearly a decade and have never been fired. I know we need a home, food, etc. What I'm referring to is an unhealthy focus on material, worldly thing.

 

Some examples of this:

1) she wanted me to change the SPECIES of grass in our yard

2) she made me buy her car when I was only one working and we clearly were tight on money

3) she has endless ideas about adding improvements onto house--that's because her family made a hobby out of it

4) she eats out a LOT

5) she tried to urge me to buy her a pricier wedding ring, and after she lost the ring I got her, sent me pics of a new one she wanted

[BetheButterfly]

Butterfly,

 

Thanks for reasonable response. I obviously do have a job. Ive not stopped working for nearly a decade and have never been fired. I know we need a home, food, etc. What I'm referring to is an unhealthy focus on material, worldly thing.

 

Some examples of this:

1) she wanted me to change the SPECIES of grass in our yard

2) she made me buy her car when I was only one working and we clearly were tight on money

3) she has endless ideas about adding improvements onto house--that's because her family made a hobby out of it

4) she eats out a LOT

5) she tried to urge me to buy her a pricier wedding ring, and after she lost the ring I got her, sent me pics of a new one she wanted

 

Is there any way to invite her to get involved in helping people in need? Like maybe... "Mi vida, (my life, that's what my hubby calls me... you insert your own endearment term for her) would you like to come with me and see how we can help out at (insert place that needs help)?"

 

She sounds like she has interior/exterior design talents. Maybe she would like a project like helping oh what's that called, where they make homes for people in need? I don't remember what it's called, but maybe she would be interested in using her talents to bless others?

 

About food, maybe see if there is a family who is in need (this happens a lot after death, or during a hard time, like sickness in the family) and invite her to go with you and give them food. Maybe after she sees how much helping others with food blesses them, she will decide not to eat out so much and instead start making food to give to others? You never know...

Edited June 22, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[M30USA]

Is there any way to invite her to get involved in helping people in need? Like maybe... "Mi vida, (my life, that's what my hubby calls me... you insert your own endearment term for her) would you like to come with me and see how we can help out at (insert place that needs help)?"

 

She sounds like she has interior/exterior design talents. Maybe she would like a project like helping oh what's that called, where they make homes for people in need? I don't remember what it's called, but maybe she would be interested in using her talents to bless others?

 

About food, maybe see if there is a family who is in need (this happens a lot after death, or during a hard time, like sickness in the family) and invite her to go with you and give them food. Maybe after she sees how much helping others with food blesses them, she will decide not to eat out so much and instead start making food to give to others? You never know...

 

I should specify. She doesn't like renovating or interior design. She liked when OTHER people (namely me or her dad) do the work on HER house or for HER project.

[BetheButterfly]

I should specify. She doesn't like renovating or interior design. She liked when OTHER people (namely me or her dad) do the work on HER house or for HER project.

 

Oh. Well, I think it's good to pray for her and gently invite her to help others somehow. Getting annoyed doesn't really help anything. Hopefully soon she will find a project that helps others, that's not about her but about someone in need. Have to go now... God bless y'all

[denise_xo]

Butterfly,

 

Thanks for reasonable response. I obviously do have a job. Ive not stopped working for nearly a decade and have never been fired. I know we need a home, food, etc. What I'm referring to is an unhealthy focus on material, worldly thing.

 

Some examples of this:

1) she wanted me to change the SPECIES of grass in our yard

2) she made me buy her car when I was only one working and we clearly were tight on money

3) she has endless ideas about adding improvements onto house--that's because her family made a hobby out of it

4) she eats out a LOT

5) she tried to urge me to buy her a pricier wedding ring, and after she lost the ring I got her, sent me pics of a new one she wanted

 

That sounds annoying. Here's my take on it: Sit down and look at the budgets together. Detail what is coming in, and what it going out, and what the 'going out' is being spent on. Use that as an entry point for raising a discussion about what you spend money on, how you feel about expenditure on x, y, z, and so on. See how that part of the discussion evolves, and then you can add the more spiritual/ material versus material dimension on to that. The latter is pretty subjective and personal, but a household budget is something that everyone has to relate to.

 

If you are at a point when you are considering divorce (given the stbxw reference), you might also want to consider MC for the two of you. That could be a good avenue for raising the kind of issues you outline.

[Trimmer]

My STBXW is very worldly. While we aren't rich, she comes from a family which values wealth, houses, and material things. I am the exact opposite. I know that worldly pursuits are snares that keep us unable to serve God. Don't get me wrong--I have a mediocre job, a home, a respectable car, etc, but I just hate all the attention she puts on clothing, house renovation, and popular new technologies. Her family believes that wealth is a blessing from God which results from obedience. I know otherwise: the Bible says God, himself, sends poverty and wealth. They believe in security from wealth. I know security is an illusion outside of God. And even if God chooses, he is justified in sending poverty to a righteous man or wealth to a wicked man.

 

How am I supposed to handle a wife (or STBXW) who is so stuck on worldly issues? Here is the worst part: I feel that in order to fulfill my husband role to her, I must neglect my relationship with God and do what he commands me NOT to do!

The abbreviation "STBXW" means "Soon-to-be Ex-Wife". Is that what you're talking about here? Because if she's soon to be your Ex-Wife, does any of this matter?

[pureinheart]

My STBXW is very worldly. While we aren't rich, she comes from a family which values wealth, houses, and material things. I am the exact opposite. I know that worldly pursuits are snares that keep us unable to serve God. Don't get me wrong--I have a mediocre job, a home, a respectable car, etc, but I just hate all the attention she puts on clothing, house renovation, and popular new technologies. Her family believes that wealth is a blessing from God which results from obedience. I know otherwise: the Bible says God, himself, sends poverty and wealth. They believe in security from wealth. I know security is an illusion outside of God. And even if God chooses, he is justified in sending poverty to a righteous man or wealth to a wicked man.

 

How am I supposed to handle a wife (or STBXW) who is so stuck on worldly issues? Here is the worst part: I feel that in order to fulfill my husband role to her, I must neglect my relationship with God and do what he commands me NOT to do!

 

(((((((((((M30))))))))))) Wow, you are going through a lot, I'm glad you have LS in which to vent as things must be really hard on you:(

 

Personally I don't see anything wrong with having a lot of money, the problem lies when that "money" and "stuff" becomes ones god. It sounds like this has taken place with your wife and her family.

 

I'll take the "medicore" over a bunch of payments any day of the week! I know you didn't talk about dept, just thought I'd throw that in there:D

 

IMO, concerning the chain of command, God comes first (or should).

[pureinheart]

The abbreviation "STBXW" means "Soon-to-be Ex-Wife". Is that what you're talking about here? Because if she's soon to be your Ex-Wife, does any of this matter?

 

It does if he needs to vent or gain understanding to past issues.

[Trimmer]

It does if he needs to vent or gain understanding to past issues.

He speaks exclusively in the present tense.

 

He is talking about how to fulfill his husband role (present tense.) About being concerned that he must neglect his relationship with God (present tense) to do that. He talks about how to handle her (present tense.) These are his fundamental issues, and they are all non-issues if she is going to become his Ex-Wife.

 

Maybe he is mis-using the "STBXW" label... In which case, my question is moot.

[thatone]

Butterfly,

 

Thanks for reasonable response. I obviously do have a job. Ive not stopped working for nearly a decade and have never been fired. I know we need a home, food, etc. What I'm referring to is an unhealthy focus on material, worldly thing.

 

Some examples of this:

1) she wanted me to change the SPECIES of grass in our yard

2) she made me buy her car when I was only one working and we clearly were tight on money

3) she has endless ideas about adding improvements onto house--that's because her family made a hobby out of it

4) she eats out a LOT

5) she tried to urge me to buy her a pricier wedding ring, and after she lost the ring I got her, sent me pics of a new one she wanted

 

and you're trying to make all that about religion to use religion as a crutch, because when you have that crutch you can automatically be right.

 

none of that stuff has anything to do with religion.

[denise_xo]

OP, what is the communication between the two of you like? Have you told her what you are expressing here? If so, how did she react?

[sally4sara]

Hilarious.

 

Planning to go against his faith to divorce the woman his god joined him with because she might have standards he feels if against his faith.

[M30USA]

Hilarious.

 

Planning to go against his faith to divorce the woman his god joined him with because she might have standards he feels if against his faith.

 

No it's not hilarious. She filed for divorce after getting sent to jail for domestic violence.

 

I'll ask you to take a hike if you're going to be cynical.

Edited June 23, 2012 by M30USA

[sally4sara]

No it's not hilarious. She filed for divorce after getting sent to jail for domestic violence.

 

I'll ask you to take a hike if you're going to be cynical.

 

if your relationship is falling due to domestic violence, you might want to lead with that. am I supposed to read your mind like I am your god?

but seriously if you fall of the bible as closely as you claimed you know using your face to break your face is pretty funny.

even funnier than telling someone to leave a public forum.

[M30USA]

OP, what is the communication between the two of you like? Have you told her what you are expressing here? If so, how did she react?

 

Our communication is nil. Strictly regarding the children. Initially she had a state-imposed protection order against her which cut our communication to literally nothing for a few weeks. But now it's minimal.

Edited June 23, 2012 by M30USA

[denise_xo]

Our communication is nil. Strictly regarding the children. Initially she had a state-imposed protection order against her which cut our communication to literally nothing for a few weeks. But now it's minimal.

 

OK. So, from a broader perspective, are you in the process of deciding whether the two of you should reconcile or not? If yes, is she wishing to reconcile? Because when I first read your OP, I thought you were referring to a specific dimension of an otherwise more or less functional relationship.

[M30USA]

OK. So, from a broader perspective, are you in the process of deciding whether the two of you should reconcile or not? If yes, is she wishing to reconcile? Because when I first read your OP, I thought you were referring to a specific dimension of an otherwise more or less functional relationship.

 

I've brought up her violence in a million other threads. Initially the purpose of this thread was to discuss how the relationship was destroying my walk with God. It wasn't intended to discuss reconciliation--though since we are not legally divorced yet it's still a remote possibility. That being said, we have discussed counseling once and she told me that I have to take accountability for what I've caused in the relationship. Keep in mind she hadn't even apologized for slugging me with a plank 4 times and leaving bruises. Immediately upon getting released from jail she told me that I was responsible for what I did to make her hit me (ie, I got angry with her).

Edited June 23, 2012 by M30USA

[denise_xo]

I've brought up her violence in a million other threads. Initially the purpose of this thread was to discuss how the relationship was destroying my walk with God. It wasn't intended to discuss reconciliation--though since we are not legally divorced yet it's still a remote possibility. That being said, we have discussed counseling once and she told me that I have to take accountability for what I've caused in the relationship. Keep in mind she hadn't even apologized for slugging me with a plank 4 times and leaving bruises. Immediately upon getting released from jail she told me that I was responsible for what I did to make her hit me (ie, I got angry with her).

 

OK, I'm sorry, I haven't read any of your other threads. It just seemed to me that the topic you're raising in your OP can't really be discussed separately from the state of your relationship. Since it doesn't make sense to me to see them separately in your specific case, I'll make my excuses from this thread. On the more general level, I think that kind of (in)compatibility has to be established before a relationship starts and be reignited as you go along.

[Trimmer]

No it's not hilarious. She filed for divorce after getting sent to jail for domestic violence.

Whoa - way to bury the lead...

 

I've brought up her violence in a million other threads.

Respectfully, you may be the most important person in your world, but that doesn't mean posters have all read your other threads. And in fact, we are often implored by the moderators to respond to threads within the specific context of what is posted in the thread, so you really need to paint the big picture...

 

Initially the purpose of this thread was to discuss how the relationship was destroying my walk with God.

OK, so with this new information, it now makes sense that you called her your "STBXW". But let me ask: do you really consider her to be your "soon to be ex wife"? And if so, doesn't this allow you to imagine a future when you will be able to resume your walk as you envision it?

 

As a matter of fact, if she's having minimal communication with you and you're headed for divorce, does any of the stuff you mentioned (her materialism, her belief and pursuit of wealth as security, etc...) really rise to the level of interfering with your walk at this point?