Love/Marriage/Sex/Rejection

[Tracy]

Rev-

I am in an extremely similar situation; however, I am the wife that can't reciprocate. My husband (technically ex) and I were divorced two years and have recently moved back together (along with family of two girls) to try and reconcile. He wants me just as you describe wanting your wife. And, I can't make myself want him.

 

Our sex life wasn't great a while before we were divorced, actually after first child. While we were divorced I was involved with a man that I really cared about and we had great sex and lots of it. So, I know that I have a sex drive. Now my husband and I are trying to make things work, and the past month has been especially difficult. For the exact reasons you have discussed.

 

I don't know how to explain it. I love him. He is great, cute, wonderful father. When I try to make sense of it in my head I can't. I realize that I should want him dearly and I really try to. But, when we reach that point of intimacy together, I become numb. I am in the process of trying to figure it out, for our marriage' sake (and the lives of our children). I know that our past has something to do with it. I cannot detach from emotions of things that have happened like he can, at least when it comes to intimacy.

 

This probably doesn't help, but if I get closer to figuring out my problem, I'll share insight with you.

[kitten]

Thanks for responding- What are your feelings for him in general? Would you say you love him, but your not in love w him? Who initiates the encouters? And when these encounters happen what goes through your head? Are you just not into it at all, and can he tell?

[Moose]

I've been waiting for 16 years for my wife to wake up and say, "What the heck am I doing with this man?".

She's the best, doesn't drink, cuss, smoke, go out, she goes to Church with me, takes care of her family, the best Mom and Wife a family can ask for. All of my family and friends wonder what she sees in me.

 

We've had this talk I don't know how many times. The way she explained it to me is that it was her CHOICE to love me and to love me until death do we part. People choose who they are going to love and spend the rest of their life with.

 

Even strangers stare at us when we are in public. They can't believe this woman who is super model material is with this balding skinny man. My friends say that she's with me for my money and that I buy her everything she wants, whenever she wants. It's simply not true according to her. She told me that even if I lost my fortune she would live with me in an alley inside a cardboard box.

 

When the sex slacked off and the frewuency would dwindle, I would just set her down and have a talk with her. We usually find out together the reasons why and then we work on them. For instance, she wasn't willing to give herself to me because I had slacked off lately with my chores. Well, needless to say she felt it was unfair for her to have to do them. I fixed the problem and the frequency improved.

 

Talk to her Rev.

[Tracy]

Thanks for responding- What are your feelings for him in general? Would you say you love him, but your not in love w him? Who initiates the encouters? And when these encounters happen what goes through your head? Are you just not into it at all, and can he tell?

 

He initiates encounters. I try and am aware of how it affects a man to feel unwanted. So, I do try. But when I do, I don't really want it. I try to put myself in the right frame of mind, I think of how lucky I am that we are together. I am into it, but I think he can feel my resistance. In general-I love him. He is a great father, and becoming a better husband. I'm not in love with him; however, I don't believe in that anymore. I know love is an act and not a feeling. That's hard to say when I don't long for him or his kiss.

[StartingAgain]

I'm happy for you that you have a great wife woho lives you. But...

 

For instance, she wasn't willing to give herself to me because I had slacked off lately with my chores. Well, needless to say she felt it was unfair for her to have to do them. I fixed the problem and the frequency improved. "

 

This is flat wrong. If she's ticked at you because you aren't doing something you're supposed to do, she sits down with you and talks about it -- just like you sit down and talk to her about problems. She doesn't withhold sex. That's using sex as a weapon. If she can get away with it for something as trivial as this, she'd do it for more important things. A marriage councelor would tell he to never do this to you again. When you stqart making your bedroom a battleground is when you start putting your marriage in jeopardy.

[Moose]

Never thought of it that way, good point.....hmmmmm.

[WondrngWoman]

Originally posted by RevJPC

The cliché post. Whoa-is-me, my wife doesn’t want sex any more, what do I do?

 

I think that I am the most attentive partner in the world. I do not believe that is the problem. I have said that I sincerely doubt that there are many women who have her problems; that is, a man that cuddles like crazy, completely and totally selfless in regards to sex, would honestly “go-down” on here *any time* she asked (and when she doesn’t!), tell her and show her that I love/cherish/adore/worship her more than anything in the whole world. I feel like I am the luckiest man alive to be with her. She is the best; I would not trade her for all the money in the world.

 

My only complaint is frequency and initiation of sex. She has instigated sex twice in the past year. We make love about 6 times a month. I would like to make love about 40 times a month, but I realize that isn’t an option, so how about 20? We have never had sex without me making sure she has an orgasm. If I can get a second one out of her, I will give it my best shot, she just has such strong first ones, that a second is sometimes difficult.

 

It seems like there are always a million excuses. I try to listen and accept it, but I still feel “rejected” at the end of the night/morning/afternoon, the majority of the time. The times that we do “do it” I feel like she did me a favor. I seem to feel that way even when she gets to come, and I don’t. I am on a medication that about 20% of the time prevents me for achieving orgasm. I am OK with that. I swear that her orgasm is more fulfilling for to me than my own. Making her come, especially hard, makes my day.

 

She tells me that it isn’t me. That I turn her on, yada yada. But that there are always extenuating circumstances. Stress from a million and one different things. Some justifiable in my book, others not.

 

We have looked online, and a doctor even recommended a “Viagra” for women, that is only available on the internet, but we haven’t tried it just yet, but want to. Any experience out there? If you are thinking “You just need to be more understanding/sympathetic/compassionate… save it. I am the master of those things. Cards/flowers/compliments… I am probably the greatest husband to ever live. Of course that definitely has not always been the case… but in recent years it is.

 

 

Any magic spells up your sleeve?

 

Horny and In-Love.

 

Hold on there, Tiger. I REALLY do understand you are frustrated. You sound pretty bitter to me....especially in your last paragraph.

 

But read on if you want to know how we recently have overcome that same huge gap .

 

We used to make love like rabbits, but got into a little trouble ourselves in this area. I love my husband, and wanted to physically express that to him in the same way he wanted me. But trying to force that feeling did not help at all. Here is the cycle: The harder I tried to "make it happen" the less sexual I felt. It was just as frustrating for me as it was for him.

 

Did you ever stop to think that your "expectation" and visible disappointment at the lack of more frequent sexual encounters might be one of the very things that drive your spouse into sexual hiding? Men are not the only ones that get "Perfomance Anxiety." I guess it is the same way a man can be "let down" when he tries too "hard" to get an erection. Knowing one's husband is "horny" when you don't feel connected to your body can send a gal into panic...NOT a good aphrodisiac. From a woman's standpoint, it doesn't make US feel good about ourselves, either.

 

When she tells you she is not ready, that she finds YOU desirable, but isn't connected to her passion, take her at her word. Whether you can see it "in your book" or not, it is there nonetheless. It is like arguing about your medically induced inability to achieve oragsm. That would be counterproductive. It is physical, and you can't help that. Would you expect her to understand if you went through impotence, that you still loved and desired her but the body wasn't getting the message?

 

What brought you two together initially? Was there an abundance of sex? What changed? How old is she? If she is in her early to mid thirties, she might be going through a hormone imbalance.

 

My husband's MAGIC WAND? Intimacy.....and lots of it. Less pressure, fewer expectations and more REAL closeness (not just cuddling). For a large quantity of us, physical heat is not the path to our passion..connection is. Getting back to the things that made us WANT one another in the first place rekindled the match to my passion. His NOT expecting a "payoff" when we were being close helped me to feel closer to him. It did not happen overnight. I love him even more for his patience and understanding.

 

So, I am sorry to inform you THE WORLDS GREATEST HUSBAND AWARD goes to mine.

 

I hope you two can also find the way back.