Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I work with my MM. I am in love with him. Our sex life is amazing. Sometimes I can handle being the OW, sometimes I can't. I'm so physically attracted to him, when I see him my heart skips a beat, even after 2 years. He has never once mentioned leaving his wife, so at least he's not lying to me in that aspect. It's not like I'm all alone while he's off with his W doing whatever. I have a boyfriend (albeit an extremely boring, structured, not-good-in-bed boyfriend) who would do anything for me. But all I can think about is my MM. I see him at work every day, and we have sex at lunch 2-3 times a week - at his house! And I'm too happy to be with him to feel guilty about it. But I'm beginning to get more and more jealous. My MM paints (and plays guitar, etc) and there are pictures of his W all over the house (portraits I assume are of her, but they must have been done when they were younger because now his W is rather overweight and the women in the pics aren't!). I'm skinny and attractive but I'm jealous of HER. They married 24 years ago. He has no plans to leave her, but he tells me it's a "companion" type of relationship with no passion. Any advice on how to deal with these feelings of jealousy? I've looked at her FB page and she's not attractive. I wonder about y men cheat if they're so comfortable at home w their life and wife. I'd have to quit my freaking job if I ended it. And it would b me that ended it bec he said he never will. Our time together is awesome, with great sex!! and conversation. Should I give that up bec I'm starting to get jealous of her fat ass (hey, i work out to stay in shape) who has the ring, the paper, the Mrs. and a history w him or can I be happy knowing he is obsessed with me (visits on the weekends, lunches at work, emails, letters, notes, texts, phone calls when he can get away) ? Maybe it's nice not to have to clean up after him, use the bathroom after he's been in there, listen to him snore, etc.? I often think I hate her bec she gets him, but then I think well I do too! And I don't get to see the gros smelly aggravating him. If only women would learn a trick or two these men wouldn't be on the prowl! Bad thing in this situation is that people at work assume (which =know) so I'm bearing the "office slut" burden. I'm guessing he has too much time investeFd in her to leave? Money? Familiarity? Who knows. Do MM cheat on the OW asG well? Probably. So y am I doing this? Because I freaking love him and we cannot get enough of each other. Time together is exciting and so passionate. How do I handle the jealousy I have towards his W and how long could this situation actually go on? It's been 2 years! Any comments, experience or advice you'd like to share!
Ducky23 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Sounds like you're in about the same boat as me. Except I spend more time with my MM than his W usually. And he has told me of his plans to leave her and make me his 'exclusively' and have lots of babies. My MM's W is horribly overweight, I'm not. She thinks I'm her 'closest' friend, I can't stand her. After 16 months of this, living with them part-time and seeing what she doesn't.. I can't do it anymore for the sake of my own sanity. With my MM I have a connection I've never felt before, the passion, the calm patient love, the happy laughing times and a strong foundation and friendship with him. But I am miserable because I do not take him for granted. We share equally in all things, expenses, time, ect.. I do not demand things of him and for it I am rewarded with absolute freedom. He is not a particularly jealous man, but if something bothers him we are open and honest enough that he doesn't keep it to himself. We don't have a lot of sex because of my own physical medical issues, and he offered up abstinence to allow me time to heal and become well again. I feel that he truly loves me. I absolutely love him. But the situation kills. So I've decided to end it. If for no other reason than to maybe at some point be able to do it as a 'real' couple later on down the road if ever he leaves his W. I think jealousy over the BS is common, though perhaps not the norm. I think you owe it to yourself to find a more committed R, whether it be with your SO or another person doesn't matter. Your MM cannot (will not?) give you the time you desire I suppose because he has other responsibilities. You cannot hold on forever and I've learned that the longer you cling, the harder the fall. Because your MM has said (as mine has/did) that he will not end it, the decision is yours. Today was the last chance for me. I sent him away and will start NC as of 2 hours ago. My road will be long and tough, but I believe that in the end it's worth it. Because once the pain fades, so will the jealousy. And all of the anger and betrayal (?) and hurt caused by the A. I hope you look at it from all angles and realize that if he does not leave his W, you will never truly have him. And if what you want is him, then you will forever have that hanging over you. Good luck.
YellowShark Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Not to be harsh but did you just fall off the turnip truck Raven? The creep you are in love with gets to bang a chick who works for him. Sounds like you will do just about anything to get it too. Risk your job, betray his wife who you know, do it in his home... What if his wife comes home while youre ontop of him? What if he finds another replacement for his wife and its someone better than you? What if it goes bad, are you ready to quit and find a new job? Sooooo many bad consequences are lurking in your future. And in answer to your question, he obviously has ZERO morals at work or at home. So if you think he will be faithful to you in the end, guess again. 5
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I have a boyfriend (albeit an extremely boring, structured, not-good-in-bed boyfriend) who would do anything for me. But all I can think about is my MM First things first, end things with your boyfriend. What you are doing to him is unfair and I'm sure if he knew how you felt about him, he'd probably end the relationship with you. Who wants to be known as 'extremely boring, structured, not good in bed' ? Or is this you, kind of exaggerating and re writing your history with your bf to justify cheating on him? If things are that bad with him and it seems you don't like him much, then break up with him. Your bf is a good guy, you say too, that he would do anything for you. As for your MM, he is just in this for the affair. Sure he may have feelings for you but he isn't in as deep as you are. He IS living life with his wife, sleeping in their bed, probably having sex too though I doubt he'll advertise that to you as it'll just upset you/hurt you. If you plan on staying the OW in his life then you need to accept things as they are and enjoy it while it lasts. Affairs don't last forever. If you don't like being the OW, then end the A and grieve the loss. You think you're in love. You're addicted to how he makes you feel. The intensity that an affair brings out.. What you feel is emotions.. But what is all this based on? hot sex, how he turns you on, how attracted you are to him. That isn't love, it's lust. 2
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Counselling could help you with your jealously. You're in a bad place because calling his wife fat ass and hating her, wishing it was you in his bed and not her, wishing it was you who had 24 years of marriage with him is doing damage to you. It's this kind of jealously that eventually can make someone go over the edge. I really hope you don't say this kind of stuff about his wife to his face. how would you feel if you ran into MM and his wife in public, saw them holding hands, kissing etc? Looking cozy at a movie?
frozensprouts Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 OP, if i am to base my opinion solely on what you say, then you sound like this relationship has really devalued you. You say that ... if oly married women would learn a few tricks, then their hubands wouldn't cheat.... thik about that for a minute....if the only thing you are to him is a substitute for the few " tricks' his wife doesn't do", what does that say about how he really feels for you? Come on...you're worth more than that. Don't you deserve someone who can be there for you full time, give you everything you are looking for and not simply view you as a bit of "outside distraction"? As for being jealous of his wife...if you really are happy with the way thigs are, then what is there to be jealous about?' It sounds to me like, deep down, you really aren't happy, and rather than blame him and yourself for allow this relationship to happen nd for it not being everything you want it to be, yu are turning that outwards into jealousy of his wife. To put it bluntly...ask yourself if this relationship is really making you happier than it's making you unhappy ( jealousy, sadness, anger, fear, whatever). If the scale tips in the favour of unhappiness, what will you do to regain your happiness? Can your happiness v en really be found with him? what is he really giving you that you couldn't get from someone else without all the negatives that are attachd to being in an affair? 3
Author Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) I work with my MM. I am in love with him. I work with, not for, him so at least he's not my boss. But I know I'll prob have to get another job. But how do I cope in the meantime? It's painful in general, but it's less painful being with him and seeing him everyday than not being with him and seeing him every day. I know it's sad but I got my self into it. I just haven't been able to find another job that pays as well as mine. Edited June 23, 2012 by Raven70506 Too long
Author Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I don't think I said I was ever really happy. I do enjoy the sex and I probably mistake that for love, which is what it feels like when I see him or hear his voice, etc. I have low self esteem so in my mind I'm scared I won't ever meet someone again who I am as attracted to as my MM. I mean I am getting older.
Alice2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Any comments, experience or advice you'd like to share! You make several references in your original post about him not leaving his wife and your jealousy of her, so it's obvious you want him to leave his wife deep down. That's not going to happen for several reasons - one being that men don't usually leave their wives for women who are willing to have sex in the marital home. That's not love Raven. I strongly suggest you make an appointment with a therapist to figure out why you would lower yourself like that for a man. He's not worth it. 1
Author Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I agree. Here now at home I read these passages and I see things more clearly. But I know as soon as he texts or we have a talk or I see him at work I will throw it all to the wind!
Author Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I don't think he has any morals, I didn't say he did. I think he's a horrible husband, ESP after having sex in their house, in their bed, on their couch, etc w the OW! But like I said, due to my low self-esteem (which is not fixed overnight and, I know, is not an excuse) - I just can't quit him right now. It would b too devastating. I'm trying to figure out what to do.
Author Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I'm 39, so not that young but I'm definitely emotionally naive. Actually, I have borderline personality disorder and I'm bipolar so I have boundary and identity issues, among other things. It's f***ed up, I know. I am just trying to figure out what to do.
Author Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I'm staying with my b/f because he will be crushed when I break up with him. I was hoping he would eventually see how mismatched we are and call it off, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Terrible I know. I'm a terrible person, but saying goodbye is very hard, I think we all know that.
Author Raven70506 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I would never tell anyone something negative to their face, period. And I have never even met his wife.
denise_xo Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 OP, are you getting any counseling? Or have you considered it? 1
MissBee Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Learning tricks won't stop a man from cheating or disrespecting you. How a man chooses to treat you and whether or not he chooses to cheat is his choice, dependent upon his values, his character, his emotional and psychological health etc. Not because of the surplus of tricks a woman has in store. Raven, you should think about why it is that if you are so much better with more tricks than her, why you're jealous of her? If you think you are better then why worry about her at all? Why is she such a factor to you? That's something within you and your own insecurity that is breeding this competition and preoccupation. I hardly believe real love has anything to do with this situation. I do believe you when you say you can't get enough of each other physically though. But great sex, especially great affair sex, does not a good or sustainable relationship make. The situation could go on for as long as you want...it also depends on him as well. He is also free to dump you and find another OW, work on his marriage, or dump you and do nothing at all. Have you two ever talked about what you want out of the A? If not, you should. If he doesn't plan to leave his wife and never mentions it, it is safe to say that he is content with a side EMR. It is up to you to decide if you want to do that. I too was jealous that "she had him" and I too reasoned at one point that "I have him too"...but I guess I was not cut out for sharing and my reasoning was flawed. As I knew deep down (not that deep really lol) that I was an addition...not the primary person he had a life with. He could leave me and compartmentalize me without it affecting his child, his business, his life etc. He couldn't do that so much with her and that would always make her a priority, even if he cared and loved me. I wasn't cut out for the mental gymnastics of being okay with that. I didn't want a relationship where I had to find a way to be alright with not being his priority....the jealousy in that regard never subsided so for me it had to end. 2
Ducky23 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'm 39, so not that young but I'm definitely emotionally naive. Actually, I have borderline personality disorder and I'm bipolar so I have boundary and identity issues, among other things. It's f***ed up, I know. I am just trying to figure out what to do. Hey, I have Borderline Personality too! And Bipolar 1! And I have HUGE self esteem issues. I went into therapy (again) last year and learned about EMDR and dialectical behavioral therapy which is awesome for BPD. But one the biggest struggles I had (have?) was that I'm fickle. My therapist says the BPD causes this. So I did enough to where I tricked myself into thinking I was 'better'. But I'm not. My emotional issues in my A have proven it to me. So I'm going back into therapy. You should too. It is extremely hard getting over the intense feelings of an A, and if you overreact to emotion to start with, it's even harder. If you feel that there's no way you could leave him yet, then at least start seeing a therapist so you can sort some stuff out, and ask for DBT, it really is an amazing tool. Today is the first full day that I will have no contact with my MM, and the thought of it threw me into a panic attack. If you leave him it won't be easy. But it will be easier if you have somewhere to lay your emotions (therapy) and work through them while you're going through it.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I don't think he has any morals, I didn't say he did. I think he's a horrible husband, ESP after having sex in their house, in their bed, on their couch, etc w the OW! But like I said, due to my low self-esteem (which is not fixed overnight and, I know, is not an excuse) - I just can't quit him right now. It would b too devastating. I'm trying to figure out what to do. You have sex with him in their marital bed, on their couch? Please get therapy to help you cope with your insecurities and relying on a man to complete you. You WILL fall in love with someone else when the A ends and you've healed and are ready and able to be with another man. 2
frozensprouts Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I don't think he has any morals, I didn't say he did. I think he's a horrible husband, ESP after having sex in their house, in their bed, on their couch, etc w the OW! But like I said, due to my low self-esteem (which is not fixed overnight and, I know, is not an excuse) - I just can't quit him right now. It would b too devastating. I'm trying to figure out what to do. raven... you say you have low self esteem...but how is doing something ( sleeping with this married guy)which seems to make you feel even worse about yourself going to help with that? you seem to be an intelligent, articulate woman, you say you are attractive, and it seems like you have a whole lot to offer a guy who ca be there for you and no one else....i believe there is someone like that out there for you...but you have to believe it too
seren Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I just don't understand how anyone in an A can have sex with someone in the same place they have sex with their husband or wife. Doesn't that feel disrespectful to you? It is slightly different for the BS as they don't knowingly do that. To knowingly chose to do that and for the WS to expect you to do that is just so low, no wonder you are jealous of his wife. As for comparing yourself to her on a physical basis, if he hasn't left her because of whatever you see as unattractive, then chances are he isn't going to and my very well find her sttractive. When I look at my H I can see he has put on weight, aged etc, but we have made that trip together and I just see the man I fell in love with all those years ago. Don't put too much store on looks, getting older, hopefully happens to us all. Why not just tell him how you feel and maybe set a time limit on how long you are prepared to wait, maybe go NC until he has left. It doesn't sound like you are getting too much from him, other than sex, which is great, but anyone can have sex with anyone, surely you are worth more than that. 2
YellowShark Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Look at it this way Raven. If *you* were his wife he would be banging someone else in *your* bed behind your back. So don't waste any more of YOUR life wishing he would leave his wife for you. 2
stillafool Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I don't think he has any morals, I didn't say he did. I think he's a horrible husband, ESP after having sex in their house, in their bed, on their couch, etc w the OW! But like I said, due to my low self-esteem (which is not fixed overnight and, I know, is not an excuse) - I just can't quit him right now. It would b too devastating. I'm trying to figure out what to do. Do you think you have morals? How would you feel about someone having sex with your husband in your bed, couch, etc.? Why not break up with your bf and perhaps find a single man who you want to be with. Don't use your bf, it's just not fair. 1
RickFox Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 It's likely your low self esteem which is making you jealous of the wife. Work on that. Consider what a prize you are. He is lucky to have you! Seriously? She's a piece of a** to him, nothing more, nothing less. 3
Alice2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I wouldn't be jealous of her at all. She is married to a husband who cheats. You aren't, so you're way ahead of her. Way ahead of her? Hardly. The wife has her character and integrity. The OP can't say the same. 3
frozensprouts Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Seriously? She's a piece of a** to him, nothing more, nothing less. he sounds like a jerk who has been lucky enough to find a woman who has so much to offer someone better, but who has issues with her self esteem and she doesn't realize that yet. sounds to me like their relationship is nothing to cheer on, but rather it's something to discourage...the OP could do sooooo much better...a bunch of strangers on the internet can see that, i just hope she can too 1
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