Day One

[Ducky23]

It was not a D-Day. I doubt if we'll ever tell his W of the A, or my sons dad for that matter. But I have finally finished the long conversation started last night. We both believe that there is the possibility of a friendship in the future. We were friends first and we both agree that friendship has stayed through our A. And since he offered me abstinence before, he believes this will allow me to heal both physically and emotionally. We agreed to go LC and end the PA (and hopefully EA as well). I got posts about readers being 'shocked' by my situation. I didn't tell him about that, but we agreed that we had become evil beings feeding off of each other during the A. Neither of us is proud of the situation we found ourselves in and neither of us can answer the question 'why?'. He offered LC instead of NC because he wants to know how I get along. He's been constantly worried about me since I gave him the results to my biopsy in November. I will be retested next week. He is supportive of me seeing my therapist and wants to keep the channel open in case I should have the need to again call at 3am when he's the only one who will answer. I have a very real need to have him in my life, if for no other reason than he knows me the best and there are things that I have only shared with him. As a soldier he understands and can relate to my memories and my pain. I also find myself terrified of being left alone in the big huge world that I'm so terrified of. So the agreement is the he is open to communication and will not reach out to me or ask that I cross the boundaries that we've placed. And that I will update him as to the results of my tests and if ever I decide that friendship is not an option, he will understand. We have agreed that only our work emails will be used for correspondence. I am dreading this. But I am also glad that he did not argue it to death and ask me to stay.

[SomedayDig]

Ummm...he DID ask you to stay, that's why he wants LC instead of NC. He's got you on the hook and you don't even see it. Google the word "co-dependent" after you get over the enormity of the world wide web.

[BetrayedH]

It was not a D-Day. I doubt if we'll ever tell his W of the A, or my sons dad for that matter. But I have finally finished the long conversation started last night. We both believe that there is the possibility of a friendship in the future. We were friends first and we both agree that friendship has stayed through our A. And since he offered me abstinence before, he believes this will allow me to heal both physically and emotionally. We agreed to go LC and end the PA (and hopefully EA as well). I got posts about readers being 'shocked' by my situation. I didn't tell him about that, but we agreed that we had become evil beings feeding off of each other during the A. Neither of us is proud of the situation we found ourselves in and neither of us can answer the question 'why?'. He offered LC instead of NC because he wants to know how I get along. He's been constantly worried about me since I gave him the results to my biopsy in November. I will be retested next week. He is supportive of me seeing my therapist and wants to keep the channel open in case I should have the need to again call at 3am when he's the only one who will answer. I have a very real need to have him in my life, if for no other reason than he knows me the best and there are things that I have only shared with him. As a soldier he understands and can relate to my memories and my pain. I also find myself terrified of being left alone in the big huge world that I'm so terrified of. So the agreement is the he is open to communication and will not reach out to me or ask that I cross the boundaries that we've placed. And that I will update him as to the results of my tests and if ever I decide that friendship is not an option, he will understand. We have agreed that only our work emails will be used for correspondence. I am dreading this. But I am also glad that he did not argue it to death and ask me to stay.

 

I commend you for your decision to end the PA and to at least go LC.

 

Personally, I don't see it as sufficient, nor do I see it as being effective. Affairs are much like an addiction. The longer you go without it, the easier it will get. But everytime you go back, you start over at square 1. At some point, you need to suffer thru the withdrawl and get to the other side of it. LC doesn't do that. Regardless, I do commend you for making choices in the right direction and I suspect others will reinforce the folly of this limited choice. Personally, I think the key to you surviving in this world isn't the support of anyone. It's in making a long chain of honorable decisions that builds your self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence. Any "support" gained from this toxic situation is, well, toxic. Good luck.

[frozensprouts]

Ducky,

first off...

good for you on making the first step on what I hope will be the road to the rest of your life as a happier person. It sounds like it wasn't easy for you to make the decision, but you were brave enough to make it, and i thik that's very commendable...you're are already showng signs of the strength that you have within you all on your own...be proud of yourself and do something just for you...treat yourself to a nice massage, getting something for yourself that you've always wanted but never got around to buying, or something else really nice...you deserve it:)

 

it sounds like the road ahead for you isn't going to be an easy one, but, like I said, you have just taken the first step to beig free, to not having all this extra cr@p in your life to deal with... for now, take things one day at a time and do what you feel you need to do to protect yourself from backsliding into the toxic relationship you had with this guy. Give yourself the freedom and allow your heart to be open and see that there are lots and lots of other peopple out there who can and ill be your good friend without all of this other crud. Try new things away from the usual crowd that you associate with...is there some activity you have always wated to try but never did? why not give it a try now/ it's a good way to make a change, to show yourself that you can rise to the challange of new things, and to meet some new people and start off fresh

 

good luck to you!

[imperfectangel]

LC worked best for me at the start as I said in another thread if I deny myself something I'd want it more I'm now in nc but it took me a while of LC for me to see that nc was the way to go

 

He can't give me what I want it's as black and white as that

 

Good luck and keep posting, finding ls has saved me

[Ducky23]

I know that LC isn't NC and that it is probably horrible that I seem to need support from this 'toxic' man. But I agreed to it because I know myself well enough that I know NC wouldn't last. I would throw myself into a panic and go crazy trying to get him to talk to me. If he says he'll do something, he sticks by it. He has proven that to me time and time again. So if I said 'no contact, the end', then he would follow through. It's a first step that will allow me time and space to get back into therapy and work through a lot of stuff. I'm hoping that once I start that it will eventually run into NC on it's own. I am weak. He is my weakness. But he is also my strength. I don't delude myself with ideals that are false. I have leaned very heavily on him for emotional support. He is the only one who knows what I've been struggling with. And completely severing that cord would throw me into a very bad place that I don't want to be. Whoever said 'co-dependent' is right. And no I didn't have to google it, I'm intimately aware of the definition. I am terrified of feeling alone again. My PTSD was never 'cured' fully and some of my reactions to situations have stayed with me. I hit the bottom last year and he picked me up, dusted me off, and held me up. I've learned a lot about myself from him that I feel I might not have otherwise, at least not this soon. I'm scared that letting go completely would put me back at the bottom and I don't want to be there. I don't want my kids to see me go through more pain. So I'm lessening the blow with LC instead. I don't see it lasting. I believe there will come a time, not too long from now, when I'm ready to do NC without panicking. But not yet. To go NC now would be setting myself up for failure and I'm aware of that. I do not want to fail.

[MissBee]

It was not a D-Day. I doubt if we'll ever tell his W of the A, or my sons dad for that matter. But I have finally finished the long conversation started last night. We both believe that there is the possibility of a friendship in the future. We were friends first and we both agree that friendship has stayed through our A. And since he offered me abstinence before, he believes this will allow me to heal both physically and emotionally. We agreed to go LC and end the PA (and hopefully EA as well). I got posts about readers being 'shocked' by my situation. I didn't tell him about that, but we agreed that we had become evil beings feeding off of each other during the A. Neither of us is proud of the situation we found ourselves in and neither of us can answer the question 'why?'. He offered LC instead of NC because he wants to know how I get along. He's been constantly worried about me since I gave him the results to my biopsy in November. I will be retested next week. He is supportive of me seeing my therapist and wants to keep the channel open in case I should have the need to again call at 3am when he's the only one who will answer. I have a very real need to have him in my life, if for no other reason than he knows me the best and there are things that I have only shared with him. As a soldier he understands and can relate to my memories and my pain. I also find myself terrified of being left alone in the big huge world that I'm so terrified of. So the agreement is the he is open to communication and will not reach out to me or ask that I cross the boundaries that we've placed. And that I will update him as to the results of my tests and if ever I decide that friendship is not an option, he will understand. We have agreed that only our work emails will be used for correspondence. I am dreading this. But I am also glad that he did not argue it to death and ask me to stay.

 

Ducky,

 

It's good that you've decided to take some steps for yourself and to extract yourself from the situation. However, I cannot help but feel like what you're doing is not that much different and will only make it an EA. The fact that you "need him" and you need him to still be there to answer his phone at 3 am (Ducky...this is inappropriate, when a man is married and has a family, him answering another woman's calls at 3am and another woman even thinking it okay to call him at 3 am is inappropriate.) How can HE request LC? It's not about him, it's about you. He has no need to beg you to stay...as the channels are wide open for you to stay and in some sense you are staying. You need him and rely on him to get you through the big bad world...he knows you are weak for him and with the LC set up, he doesn't have to beg or beseech as you'll be right there still. I do agree with those who suggest you look up co-dependency. Codependency is bad enough when two single people pay out that dynamic but to be needy and dependent on another person's spouse is even more detrimental.

 

I suggest you continue counseling or get counseling to really help you with extracting yourself for real. MM is NOT the best or last person on earth you can trust. With work and giving yourself space and time, you can find your own man, who could be a soldier too, who is there for you, who lives with you, who has no wife he has to dodge etc. You don't want to be an emotional vampire and too dependent on anyone, even your own man, so your focus needs to be on getting to a place where you have supportive friends and where you can give to someone as they give to you, and stand on your own feet and face the world without needing a crutch. I really really really wish that for you.

[Ducky23]

Ducky,

 

It's good that you've decided to take some steps for yourself and to extract yourself from the situation. However, I cannot help but feel like what you're doing is not that much different and will only make it an EA. The fact that you "need him" and you need him to still be there to answer his phone at 3 am (Ducky...this is inappropriate, when a man is married and has a family, him answering another woman's calls at 3am and another woman even thinking it okay to call him at 3 am is inappropriate.) How can HE request LC? It's not about him, it's about you. He has no need to beg you to stay...as the channels are wide open for you to stay and in some sense you are staying. You need him and rely on him to get you through the big bad world...he knows you are weak for him and with the LC set up, he doesn't have to beg or beseech as you'll be right there still. I do agree with those who suggest you look up co-dependency. Codependency is bad enough when two single people pay out that dynamic but to be needy and dependent on another person's spouse is even more detrimental.

 

I suggest you continue counseling or get counseling to really help you with extracting yourself for real. MM is NOT the best or last person on earth you can trust. With work and giving yourself space and time, you can find your own man, who could be a soldier too, who is there for you, who lives with you, who has no wife he has to dodge etc. You don't want to be an emotional vampire and too dependent on anyone, even your own man, so your focus needs to be on getting to a place where you have supportive friends and where you can give to someone as they give to you, and stand on your own feet and face the world without needing a crutch. I really really really wish that for you.

 

Hey, Bee.. I started a journal last night. Writing has always done me good and I plan to lean on it heavily to get me through this. The W knows my reasons for leaning so heavily on him and she herself has said 'you know you can talk to me too', but she realizes that she hasn't lived the same lives as he and I have. So on the rare occasion that I woke up in a cold sweat or in tears from a nightmare, she has allowed that I reach out to him to calm me down. She truly honestly believes there is nothing but friendship between us, and as she sees me as a friend also she is okay 'lending' me 'the hubby' when he is the only one I can talk to. Last night we made our agreement. And last night I woke in a panic, heart slamming against my chest and cold sweats. Normally I would have called him to tell him of the horrible things the night had handed me. But instead I woke up and I wrote about them. The LC isn't supposed to be used as a crutch. Having a bad night won't make me fall back into his arms because he's the only one who understands. The LC is in place to make me feel safe, it's a lifeline that exists only because I don't know how to react to 'no'. I don't know how to talk to people to make new friends. I've always been very introverted and I tend to bottle my emotions instead of dealing with them. That's why I'm going back into therapy. I never told my therapist when I was diagnosed with moderate dysplasia or that it meant that I might develop cancer or that I was terrified of it. I told him all of those things. He is the only person who knows. Posting here is hard for me because I'm opening myself up without holding back, I'm answering questions honestly and I'm seeking the truth from others. It's also easier because it's a faceless screen. Already I have been called a whore and a troll on this site. Those things are not easy to swallow because of my past. But I also see compassion in those who understand my struggle. That is why I'm here. I will trudge through the painful things to get the truth out and to have my questions answered by people who have similar experiences. I don't plan on using the LC except to update him after my biopsy and ultrasound next week. Because He asked me to. I will use LS and my journal, my therapist, to get through all of the things that I would normally use him for. And I hope that it teaches me to stand on my own two feet and become the person I want to be.

[MissBee]

Hey, Bee.. I started a journal last night. Writing has always done me good and I plan to lean on it heavily to get me through this. The W knows my reasons for leaning so heavily on him and she herself has said 'you know you can talk to me too', but she realizes that she hasn't lived the same lives as he and I have. So on the rare occasion that I woke up in a cold sweat or in tears from a nightmare, she has allowed that I reach out to him to calm me down. She truly honestly believes there is nothing but friendship between us, and as she sees me as a friend also she is okay 'lending' me 'the hubby' when he is the only one I can talk to. Last night we made our agreement. And last night I woke in a panic, heart slamming against my chest and cold sweats. Normally I would have called him to tell him of the horrible things the night had handed me. But instead I woke up and I wrote about them. The LC isn't supposed to be used as a crutch. Having a bad night won't make me fall back into his arms because he's the only one who understands. The LC is in place to make me feel safe, it's a lifeline that exists only because I don't know how to react to 'no'. I don't know how to talk to people to make new friends. I've always been very introverted and I tend to bottle my emotions instead of dealing with them. That's why I'm going back into therapy. I never told my therapist when I was diagnosed with moderate dysplasia or that it meant that I might develop cancer or that I was terrified of it. I told him all of those things. He is the only person who knows. Posting here is hard for me because I'm opening myself up without holding back, I'm answering questions honestly and I'm seeking the truth from others. It's also easier because it's a faceless screen. Already I have been called a whore and a troll on this site. Those things are not easy to swallow because of my past. But I also see compassion in those who understand my struggle. That is why I'm here. I will trudge through the painful things to get the truth out and to have my questions answered by people who have similar experiences. I don't plan on using the LC except to update him after my biopsy and ultrasound next week. Because He asked me to. I will use LS and my journal, my therapist, to get through all of the things that I would normally use him for. And I hope that it teaches me to stand on my own two feet and become the person I want to be.

 

Ducky,

 

I'm sorry that there were people who called you a whore and a troll. A lot of your story was just incredulous to some and when a story is incredulous people tend to wonder if it is reality, please don't take it personally. We have all had less than shining moments and I'm glad you realize that some people here have no desire to call you names but actually want to help.

 

I'm sorry about all you're going through and have gone through and I hope your results are immaculate. My sister is very introverted and I understand from her, the struggles of making friends and opening up to people. I acquire friends easily and thought it was weird that she didn't...but with time and age I realized that she wasn't like me. I still try to tell her and show her that some people can be trusted. Everyone needs boundaries, but walls aren't good. I have a few great friends who I allow myself to be vulnerable with and then lots of associates that I am friendly with, but do not rely on for emotional support.

 

I do understand the double-edged sword of not feeling comfy with a lot of people, then a person with whom you are comfortable is married and all these obstacles are there. Hopefully he isn't using your trust in him to his own advantage. It's good though that you are branching out and finding other forms of support outside of him (LS, writing). That's great! Have you ever considered a support group for people who have been through what you have? Surely you and MM are not the only ones, and perhaps among that group you could forge healthy female friendships as well that are supportive. I specifically say female, as I think boundary crossing is less likely in same-sex friendships, than with that of the opposite sex esp if the person is married. MM's wife trusted you and "lent you" her husband's shoulder and ear....their marriage seems to have lots of faults, but the point is, some women would never okay that and she did...and it was betrayed.

 

Please keep us posted and I really send lots of blessings your way and hope your test results are perfect. Once that is out of the way, perhaps you can then focus more on moving forward from him and forming more supportive networks.

[seren]

Ducky, I hope your test results are good and good for you for going NC. I hope you have IRL friends you can get support from, especially regarding your illness. There must be support groups, ask the doc. Take good care x

[mercy]

Ok, I give up, what the heck is LC?

[Ducky23]

Ok, I give up, what the heck is LC?

 

Limited contact

[Ducky23]

I keep hearing 'go make some new friends', 'use friends as support'.. IRL I have 4 people I talk to on a regular basis, and I just lost half of them by ending my A with MM. So now I'm down MM and W. How do you meet new people? I'm a homebody anymore. I don't go to bars, I volunteer with a local acting organization, and I work. So work and volunteering are my 2 social outlets. But both of them are business-related. And the relationships I form in those environments are business-related and professional only. Outside of business, I do not see or interact with those people. So what else?

[seren]

Ducky, I live way out in the middle of absolutely nowhere and am medically retired and don't see anyone, well I didn't until I took some evening classes. I know you have young children so it might be difficult to get out easily, but it is a way to meet new people.

 

LS helped me to talk to anonymous people when I needed to, I hope you continue to post. At times we get advice or observations that don't sit right, but somewhere in amongst the posts will be one that you can relate to and might help.

[MissBee]

I keep hearing 'go make some new friends', 'use friends as support'.. IRL I have 4 people I talk to on a regular basis, and I just lost half of them by ending my A with MM. So now I'm down MM and W. How do you meet new people? I'm a homebody anymore. I don't go to bars, I volunteer with a local acting organization, and I work. So work and volunteering are my 2 social outlets. But both of them are business-related. And the relationships I form in those environments are business-related and professional only. Outside of business, I do not see or interact with those people. So what else?

 

How did you manage to meet MM and his wife?

 

Perhaps you can volunteer somewhere else or join some type of hobby group and make the effort to be friendly towards people there. A support group is also a good place to start.

[Furious]

Ducky

 

The courage and strength you have shown by taking these first steps by removing youself from an unhealthy relationship and getting back into therapy has me cheering for you.

 

I think your journaling is an excellent outlet for you.

 

You are intelligent and worthy of so much better.

 

Be patient and continue moving toward your goals.

 

((((hugs))))

[Ducky23]

How did you manage to meet MM and his wife?

 

Perhaps you can volunteer somewhere else or join some type of hobby group and make the effort to be friendly towards people there. A support group is also a good place to start.

 

Back when I was drinking all the time I had a girl from one of the bars decide I needed a man and her 'brother' was just the guy! So she called him in to meet me. First night we met he decided there was no way he was gonna let me leave his life. So we became friends. And within a couple of months.. The history is written here. When I was drinking I had no problem meeting new people. But I don't do that anymore. And I have already looked into support groups. I live in a town where my past would rock it to the core if the full truth came out. And I know mostly everyone. And about 7/8ths of them hate me because of some of the things I've done in the past, rumors and lies that spread like wildfire, and because of some bad relationships in my past. And the support groups I've found available are 'generic topic' groups, like BPD and bi-polar, AA and NA, PPD, and I think one for new moms, but nothing that relates to any of my ACTUAL problems. There isn't a support group for PTSD, rape victims, abuse victims, survivors, ect. Those things are swept under the rug in my community.

[Ducky23]

I made it through my first day. NC. completely. W sent me a picture tonight and I ignored it where I usually would have responded. I've spent today playing baseball with my older son and other, more mundane tasks. It was good to be able to occupy my brain and focus on other things. But I've also found my thoughts wandering and have been reflecting on some parts of the A. I keep hearing mention of 'trust' and 'boundaries' and all of those things that I think must be part of normal(?) relationships/affairs. I know that he trusts (trusted?) me with a LOT of information. There were times his W would make a comment about "it was weird he ate (insert food) at dinner tonight" or "he doesn't like (whatever)", and I found myself thinking in my head "Have you MET your husband?!" He has been the same man for me from the very beginning. He has never seemed to have a hidden agenda and though we've both lied a hundred times over to other people, we do have some places that we are allowed to be a 'true' couple in public. A diner in his town that she hates and we love. They bought me a ring to replace my wedding band for my birthday, and it's assumed that he and I are a couple to those who know nothing about her. I can honestly say that I don't believe he's ever lied to me. I put my trust in him and he in me. I betrayed his trust when I told her flat out that he doesn't love her and plans on divorcing her once she's stable in her job and the debt-to-income ratio no longer affects his loan from the bank to buy a house. He played it off, as usual, and we had a long conversation about me "flying off at the mouth" when she would push me to a certain point of absolute rage. I see their relationship in front of my own eyes enough where I have to swallow it and act like it doesn't bother me. But she starts complaining about how much he doesn't spend time with her, won't have sex with her, won't cuddle with her... And she won't leave him. Because she believes it will change. I asked him earlier this week if he trusted me. I randomly talk and ask questions when something is bothering me. He told me bluntly "You know enough to throw me in prison, screw my life, and **** me in a divorce without coming to harm yourself. It takes a lot of trust to be in this situation with someone. I just hope it isn't a mistake." and I realized he was right. I had never thought of using the things that I know against him because I love him. But he fully understands the reality of the situation because he knows that if I chose I could ruin his life. It also made me think that if he were willing to make himself that vulnerable to me, then why would he lie? And why would he betray the trust I put in him? He hasn't.

And on boundaries.. Since I started posting here I've learned that my A is not 'typical' and has been called 'shocking' more than once. When it all started, before we ever had sex, before we were ever more than friends, he gave me his dresser from when he was a child for my son, and a hide-a-bed couch that he had no room to store. Once our A had started, after I had my first weekend in their home with him, before I ever met her.. When he first told me he loved me.. Everything changed. He would talk her into staying in their town while he made an excuse to make a quick overnight run to my town (their storage unit and parents are here), and would usually make an excuse (or have his friend lie to her) for staying at my place. Especially if he got in late, it was logical that he would crash at my place on the hide-a-bed. She allowed this. She doesn't know that we would plan those nights a week or two in advance and that he would, instead, sleep with me. There were times that he would have a drill weekend and instead of staying at the apartment alone, he would tell her he wouldn't be home at night, and she would come to my town to stay with her mom. I would meet her for coffee when she would come into town, we would talk of our 'plans' for the weekend (I was usually 'busy' with family stuff over the next day or two), and then I would spend the weekend with him in their home while staying in contact with her so I knew exactly when she would be on her way home and could have everything ready and be gone before she got there. I have a key to their apartment, she is fully aware. I was welcomed into their bed and slept with them frequently. I have had sex with him while she sleeps 5" away from his back. And honestly, though I knew it was wrong, I never truly understood HOW wrong, I suppose, until I found LS. sorry for the long post, my thoughts are wandering and I guess I need some input? I don't know. Reflecting is hard.

[BetrayedH]

I don't have the time to respond as I would like to but someone here can expand on it. The basic concept is that NC should be mental NC, too. You're going thru withdrawl from an addiction. You can't obsess on it or you will just be sucked back in.

 

As for him loving you, I'm sure you experienced a real sense of care and concern from him. Call it love if you want. But it doesn't change the fact that if he's not leaving his wife for you, this relationship is not going to work for you. It will continue to be unhealthy and it's not a viable option. Being nostalgic over it or "reflecting" does you no good.

 

When I suffered some serious depression, the only thing that helped was building pride in myself. That took making a very long chain of decisions of which I could be proud. Given time, I was no longer dependent on anyone. That was the healthiest thing I ever could have done and lasted some 20 years for me. Sadly, I guess I overinvested in my marriage and when my wife cheated and ultimately left me, it left me with some serious depression again. But I was supposed to be able to trust in her. Now I am rebuilding again (and I have few, if any, friends, too). I am back again trying to make decisions of which I can be proud so that I, again, will never need anyone. It sucks in the short term but pays off well in the long term.

[Ducky23]

I don't have the time to respond as I would like to but someone here can expand on it. The basic concept is that NC should be mental NC, too. You're going thru withdrawl from an addiction. You can't obsess on it or you will just be sucked back in.

 

I understand the meaning, but I'm not 'obsessing' over it. I'm reflecting on it from a non-emotional view. Analyzing and trying to understand what I was thinking/feeling/doing while I was doing it. Figuring out where/when my emotions changed and why I stayed when I knew I wasn't happy. If I don't understand my reaction to something, or if I don't understand the WHY of something, I'm more likely to repeat the behavior.

[BetrayedH]

I understand the meaning, but I'm not 'obsessing' over it. I'm reflecting on it from a non-emotional view. Analyzing and trying to understand what I was thinking/feeling/doing while I was doing it. Figuring out where/when my emotions changed and why I stayed when I knew I wasn't happy. If I don't understand my reaction to something, or if I don't understand the WHY of something, I'm more likely to repeat the behavior.

 

I get that. You do need to understand the "why" behind how you let yourself get here so you can develop a healthy approach for future relationships.

 

I guess I would just caution against dwelling on what you miss about him Nd the land of rainbows and unicorns. Your post seeme to be focused on how much he cared for you, etc.. Reliving the fantasy part will keep you going back. Instead, look at the reality of how devastating the reality has actually been. You may not like his wife but imagine how devastated she will be if she discovers this huge double-betrayal. It will take her years to recover. She didn't deserve this from someone she let stay in her home. And then look at what it is has done to you. The H is the only one that wins in this situation. And now he'll probably just move on to someone else that he can have while keeping his wife in the dark. He's not a nice guy. Get your mind focused in that way and NC will get easier.

[Summer Breeze]

I understand the meaning, but I'm not 'obsessing' over it. I'm reflecting on it from a non-emotional view. Analyzing and trying to understand what I was thinking/feeling/doing while I was doing it. Figuring out where/when my emotions changed and why I stayed when I knew I wasn't happy. If I don't understand my reaction to something, or if I don't understand the WHY of something, I'm more likely to repeat the behavior.

 

I don't agree that you should do your best to dismiss it all from your mind. Some people can and some can't. I need to process things and sometimes it takes me a whole lot of time. I was divorced from a cheating H over 20 years ago and I find myself analyzing and thinking about things. I never really looked back when I ended it and I don't have any regrets about ending it. That doesn't mean I don't spend some time thinking about it. I do the same about friendships and family Rs too.

 

As far as the NC. I understand part of what you're saying. When I was in the A MM was there for me in all respects during a horrible time for me. He is the one person on earth who knows the truth about what happened to me. I could not have voluntarily gone NC till I was fully ready to face my demons. We had times when he was caught that we went NC and I never broke it but my biggest struggle was the confidante I lost. When I finally ended it I was at a place where I was stronger and finally depended on myself. You'll get there and when you do you won't reach out to him. Build your life back up. More baseball with your son and find some social networks in your area to involve yourself with. Make a concentrated effort to contact him less every week. Make the goal once a week and then when you see you aren't depending on him you'll see how strong you are and start a whole new wonderful R with yourself.

 

Look at the things you did and wonder why you did. Wonder why he did what he did. Look at it neutrally and think if a friend of yours were telling you she was sleeping in the same bed with a married couple---what would your reaction be to what she did? Analyze and work through it all. I bet when you're all done you'll find out you are amazing.

[MissBee]

Back when I was drinking all the time I had a girl from one of the bars decide I needed a man and her 'brother' was just the guy! So she called him in to meet me. First night we met he decided there was no way he was gonna let me leave his life. So we became friends. And within a couple of months.. The history is written here. When I was drinking I had no problem meeting new people. But I don't do that anymore. And I have already looked into support groups. I live in a town where my past would rock it to the core if the full truth came out. And I know mostly everyone. And about 7/8ths of them hate me because of some of the things I've done in the past, rumors and lies that spread like wildfire, and because of some bad relationships in my past. And the support groups I've found available are 'generic topic' groups, like BPD and bi-polar, AA and NA, PPD, and I think one for new moms, but nothing that relates to any of my ACTUAL problems. There isn't a support group for PTSD, rape victims, abuse victims, survivors, ect. Those things are swept under the rug in my community.

 

Maybe you need a new community? If not now, eventually? Have you considered that? I don't mean you should up and move this minute, but your community sounds stifling. It may not be a bad idea to at some point leave your past behind, where most people hate you and you can't get support to start anew in a new community, with more resources for your problems and new people who don't already know and judge you. Your current state seems very lonely and I feel for you

 

Perhaps you can look up online support groups for your problems, just like there is LS, which I think is a great community and I think it is possible that online friends can become real support as well as real offline friends, maybe you can try to find a supportive online community specific to those issues?

[Flabbergaster]

Ducky

Keep strong. It gets hard at first, then it gets easier after a few days. Post like MAD here, and ignore any haters. Literally...hit the 'ignore' button by their name.

You are going to find a way through this.Lots of people will help. One day you will help someone else, here.

 

Only thing worse than being in the A is having LC.

 

Don't worry about how you'll meet new friends just yet. Trust that you will, once you get past the rough part of "welcome to NC."

Hey maybe you can be friends again. That's ok to consider as an option for the FUTURE. You just can't be friends RIGHT NOW.

[Ducky23]

MissBee.. I absolutely agree with you that I need a new community. I have two sides to my family, my mothers side and my fathers side. My mothers side lives here and I avoid them like the plague, we have a mutual hatred for each other and I'm content in that. My fathers side is the absolute opposite, I do everything possible to see them, go out of my way to spend time with them, we are very close, I was only reunited with them a few years ago and felt that I had found the missing link in my life. They are my biggest support. I wanted to move closer to my dads side of the family because of how much love is present. That even after 18-20 years of not even knowing if we were still alive, they welcomed us back with open arms, as though we had never been gone. But they live in the same town as MM.. while in the affair, the option of moving to that town made so much sense, I could be closer to MM AND my family! It was win-win. But now that the A is ended I think it will be harder to go there. And I don't know of anywhere else I would like to live. I'm grateful for finding LS, this has been an AMAZING experience for me. And I honestly had never thought of looking for support groups online. I accidentally stumbled across this site when I was googling for an argument ender during a discussion with MM about whether or not kissing was a "sexual act" and, therefore, cheating. Funny..

Flabbergaster.. Thank you for your kind words. I've always pretty much been.. Isolated. I had a few close friends and I know a ton of people but never see/talk to them except in passing perhaps. I have taken this time of NC to focus on the bigger picture. How the A affected me, my relationship with my children, and how to fix it. I have continued to work locally since ending the A, and I have spent an enormous amount of time with my children. They are my best friends.