Don't know wheter to leave a marriage or stay

[SADLYTORN]

[font=arial][/font]

 

Hello everyone............I need some advice from anyone on what to do in the current situation that I am in.

 

I was in a unhappy marriage for 13 years and I got a divorce. After my divorce I started seeing a man, that was also divorced after 13 years, that I fell in love with. He was a good listener, very good at communication, he showed his emotions and we had a very good sexual relationship. Unfortunately, an old girlfriend that he had started seeing after his divorce came back into his life and he had to chose between being with her or me. I told him that I didn't think she was right for him, but he chose her and I was extremely hurt. After a month of being with her she left and he immediately called me. He told me that I was right and that he made a mistake. He tried for months to get me back and it was hard for me to resist, but I told him no. I just didn't want him to hurt me again.

 

 

I survived and moved on and later started dating a guy that I dated in High School. This man is a very nice man. He never had been married either. I thought this might be a good thing. We had lots of fun together and we eventually both fell in love with each other. We got engaged and later got married and are still married today. I had some issues with him before we got married. He wasn't a great communicator, he kept most of his feelings inside and he had a hobby with cars that was more like an obsession. But, I thought these were just small things that after we got married might get better. Some things did get better, but some things got worse. Over the last 9 months. I have tried to talk to him about all the things that were bothering me. Many times I would be in tears. He just did not want to listen. He kept saying I was nagging. I tried and tried to get him to listen. Things just started getting worse and worse and I fell into depression. I felt so cold inside and lost all feelings of passionate love for him. We went to counseling and I just didn't have the deep love inside to continue. I still love him, but it's just not the same. He actually said that he would try to change, but I honestly don't think he can. After being the way he has been for 41 years I just can't see it. I told him that I just didn't think things were going to work out between us and that I wanted to get a divorce. He of course said he wanted a chance to prove he could change. If he would have said that 9 months ago or if he would have listened to me at that time it might have not been too late. I feel it is now. He has been very upset about the whole thing. He does not want to lose me and will do anything to keep me.

 

 

Since all of this has happened. I've also been in touch with the man that I was truly was in love with years ago.........that chose the other woman. I've been in touch with him because he was always a good listener. He is still in love with me and has not found anyone. He wants me back in his life. I know it is not good to jump from one relationship to another, but I was considering going back with him. I know there is always the chance he will hurt me again, but people do make mistakes.

 

 

But now.....something else has happened. My husbands father died and he is also hurting from this......what great timing. I hate hurting him. I hate seeing him so upset. I don't want him to be alone. I just feel like I am tearing his world apart. I feel so guilty about everything. My head is telling me he is not going to change. My heart is saying stay because I don't want to hurt him. My gut is also saying don't leave because I don't want to hurt him and I don't think I can live with the guilt. I know I would be staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons, but I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Sadly Torn

[SolLunaEstrella]

[font=times new roman][/font]

 

Torn,

 

Well, it isn't really clear to me what the main issue(s) of your unhappiness suround...

 

To me, it doesn't seem that your currant husband is a bad guy (but again you live with him) it just seems that he didn't realize or understand that there are or were things that bothered you so much about him.

 

He says he wants to work things out with you, but you are saying to little to late now... but are you saying that because of this other guy having an influence on you? Be realistic about that and don't think for a minute that this other guy has zero impact on the decisions you're about to make.

 

Going from a marriage to an new or even ex isn't a good idea... you still have issues with your currant husband, and seriously it seems that although a lot of time has passed, you still have issues with your ex that you are considering again.

 

Why not spend some time alone for awhile... decide what it is you need to do to be happy with yourself... I could be reading something else into your article here, but it seems to me you meet guys and when they don't meet ALL of YOUR expectations to make you happy in every way, you bail.

 

One person cannot have the entire burden of being anothers everything.

[SADLYTORN]

So sorry that my main issues weren't clear. My issues are that my husband does not communicate. It seems to be a hassle for him to have a conversation with me. I have to drag the words out of his mouth. At times I just want to sit down and talk with him, whether it be at the dinner table or afterwards while sitting on the couch. He either is reading magazines or watching television and doesn't seem to want to take time to talk and if he does if the conversation goes on for more than 10 minutes he seems to lose interest. He also does not express his emotions well. He says he loves me several times a day, but you also need to show it. I don't know how he really feels about me, if he has problems with me etc. I've tried to be spontaneous with him in our relationship...sexually, but he only feels we should have sex at night when we go to bed. That really doesn't make me feel like he desires me even though he says he does. I've purchased several....sexy nighties......but nothing. I just want to feel loved and desired. And I have a problem with his hobby/obsession with cars. He can remember a car part he saw at a car show 5 years ago but he can't remember what I wore yesterday. When we go see friends and relatives he takes along a photo album of his latest new car, but no photo's of us or things we do together. I also have a problem with his roaming eyes. He is constantly looking at other women. He says it's an old habbit and that all men look. Well, it just makes me feel even worse about myself.......I have very low self-esteem.

 

You are right....my husband isn't a bad guy. Your right he did not understand that things were bothering me so much. He would hear what I was saying, but would not listen. In a couples counseling session I told the counselor about my frustration with trying to get through to him and all of the sudden.....after being in a session for 1/2 an hour.....he now says he didn't realize my issues were that important to me. He just thought they were trivial and everything would correct itself after a while. How can he think they weren't important to me. For months and months I tried to talk to him, usually in tears. If somebody kept coming to me expressing there unhappiness and was always in tears.......I think I would listen.

 

Yes, the other guy being there does have an influence on me. In all honesty if he wasn't there......I would stay in my marriage......unhappily. See, my first marriage that ended after 13 years I should have ended about 5 years sooner. My husband did nothing around the house to help....no cleaning, shoveling snow, mowing grass, doing wash......nothing. After several years it got to the point where he wouldn't even touch me. He said unless we were trying to have children there was no reason to have sex. We tried to have children, but we were never successful. So, I tend to stay in marriages even though they are bad. I just finally got up the courage after 13 years to get out of the first one. I just don't want to stay in another bad marriage for 13 years again. I want to finally be loved, respected and happy.

 

You might be right. Maybe I am asking for too much and maybe I am expecting someone to meet too many of my expectations. Like I said....I don't know what to do. I just want to finally be happy.

[2nVme]

I think you should do whatever you heart tells you to do.

 

If you are not happy GET OUT!

 

Look nobody in here could tell you what to do, only you can tell yourself what to do, only your mind.[color=violet][/color]

 

 

If I was in your shoes I would let him go, Why are you still there?

 

you sound like you don't love this man. WHY STAY??? LEAVE!

 

I'm just trying to be real as can be.

 

as for your ex I was just be with him just for the sex I mean if you trust him like that.

 

leave your husband that is not the way to be, you are not happy, you don't love him, I think you only see this man as a friend that you can't even talk 2 him.... when you are married that person should be your best friend.

 

 

anyways I wish you the best !!!

 

GOOD-LUCK in whatever you do.

[Ranger]

It sound like you both did the right thing and went to counseling together. Before that, he probably felt the love was in your marriage because of your desire to be intimate with him.

 

Do you see an improvement in him now that you went to counseling? I am suggesting that maybe you both try to put yourself in the other one's shoe to understand their pain and try to forget the "ghosts" of the past.

 

Lastly, if you are not happy in one relationship, what makes you think you will be happy in another? Maybe you both can get busy and put the love back in your relationship on save your marriage.