Ignore this - I just need to exorcise a demon.

[gobain]

Have had a bad couple of days lately. I had been doing pretty well, but he called and left a message on Wednesday. He messes with my head like no one else ever has.

 

The last time I spoke with him was the 18th. It was a good talk. He asked if he could call me while he was away for the summer b/c he "didn't want to go the whole summer w/out talking to" me. I said that'd be okay.

I asked if I could write to him - it's cathartic for me - and he said he'd like that "alot" and would call me w/ an address the following Sunday. Of course, he didn't.

 

It made me sad that he could continue to say things and sound so sincere. It made me sad that I believed it. But I was really doing okay with it. It seemed like an object lesson in why we seperated in the first place. It seemed to reinforce my decision to not see him anymore despite my love for him.

Yet again I resigned myself to this being the end.

 

But every time I accept that he's gone from my life and start to cut things loose, he shows up again. It doesn't give me hope so much as cause confusion and sadness.

If he really wanted to talk to me, why would he call at a time when he knew I wouldn't possibly be there? Or call my cell phone? Or give me the address like he said he was going to?

 

It's sort of a soft sadness that seeps in when I think about his insincerity. A confusion about the machinations of a mind that still seems to try to string me along even now that we're not together.

 

I know that I will never understand. I know that I cannot call him back. I know that he will only say things that he cannot mean. And I know if I hear him say them, I will believe again.

[StartingAgain]

Get the demon out? Why not block him so he can't contact you?

[gobain]

No, not really. But thanks for asking.

 

On Saturday morning I saw his car - he must have been back for the weekend. I wasn't expecting it at all. I broke down and left a message that afternoon for him saying the "I got your message, gald to hear your well, talk to you some other time yada yada yada".

 

Seeing that he was home just made things worse. I'm just so monumentally sad. I have that empty feeling that everyone else in the world gets too. I've done my best to keep busy, but he's always in my head.

 

Every night I go to sleep thinking tomorrow will be better. And every morning I wake up and my heart breaks all over again.

 

This is all nothing new. Everyone's heart gets broken. I know what I'm feeling isn't special or particular to me. Yet I can't stop feeling like I'm completely alone.

 

And to answer your question, I can't. I just can't seem to take that step. He asked if he could call me over the summer and I said "that'd be okay". So I don't block him. I'll keep my word.

 

But I asked if I could write him, and he said yes, he'd send the address. He didn't keep his word to do that. But he still calls.

 

I don't get it. I never will.

[perdida]

Originally posted by gobain

No, not really. But thanks for asking.

 

I'm just so monumentally sad. I have that empty feeling that everyone else in the world gets too. I've done my best to keep busy, but he's always in my head.

 

Every night I go to sleep thinking tomorrow will be better. And every morning I wake up and my heart breaks all over again.

 

This is all nothing new. Everyone's heart gets broken. I know what I'm feeling isn't special or particular to me. Yet I can't stop feeling like I'm completely alone.

 

I don't get it. I never will.

 

My eyes watered up when I read this cuz I suffer a lot like you do....you aren't alone and no matter what we do we're never really ok. I also feel I'm the only freakin one in the world who aches. I hate it. Even just going to the freakin supermarket makes me sad cuz I see other women with their husbands/boyfriends and I think to myself "damn, how come they can be happy? why can't I?" Of course, then I remind myself that "you never know what mess they have in their life...maybe it aint all peachy." Anyway, I too have an empty feeling in me. I too can't stop thinking of my ex. I too go to sleep thinking tomorrow will be new and much, much better but it seldom is. I too know he lies and if I let him tell me things, I'll probly end up believing.

[jw32802]

Why is it that the mornings it feels like the first day all over again? I HATE IT. I go to sleep watching 'nick at night' lol, w/ the cosby show, roseanne, etc, because i NEED THE TV to get my mind off of it; and then sometimes around 4am i hear those commercials for Love song cds and i literally wake up crying! i feel like i can feel my heart breaking all over again every morning and its like each morning is a struggle to gather your thoughts and try to make yourself better. i hate this

[gobain]

There's a song by Billie Holiday called "Good Morning Heartache" that sums it up pretty well and good.

 

The pain is so heavy and present that you acknowledge it the morning like it's an actual being. Like his absence, or even the absence of a message on my voicemail, has weight and mass of it's own.

 

I have never loved anyone the way I love him. It made me so happy to know that I could feel that way about someone. I'd often thought I never would. But it has turned, like milk passed it's date, into the greatest disappointment of my life.

 

I want so much to let it - him - go. But I just can't seem to. I think sometimes that maybe he found someone else while he's away. A pleasant diversion for the summer. And then I start thinking that what if he's found love? What if he's found someone for whom the things he's says aren't lies. Someone that will make him feel what I, quite obviously, could not.

 

I chase these thoughts around my head constantly. When I'm alone I pretend his arms are around me. When I'm with people I hear him adding to the conversations. And even sleep is blessed oblivion no more.

 

I can only wait. Wait and hope that time will do it's thing and spare me oneday.

 

But that day is not today.

[perdida]

Originally posted by gobain

There's a song by Billie Holiday called "Good Morning Heartache" that sums it up pretty well and good.

 

The pain is so heavy and present that you acknowledge it the morning like it's an actual being. Like his absence, or even the absence of a message on my voicemail, has weight and mass of it's own.

 

I have never loved anyone the way I love him. But it has turned, like milk passed it's date, into the greatest disappointment of my life.

 

I want so much to let it - him - go. But I just can't seem to. What if he's found someone for whom the things he's says aren't lies. Someone that will make him feel what I, quite obviously, could not.

 

I chase these thoughts around my head constantly.

 

I can only wait. Wait and hope that time will do it's thing and spare me oneday.

 

But that day is not today.

 

Hey, ur a poet n didn't know it... =)

 

Gotta hear that song. I say "ditto" to most of what you've said. The crazy thing is that I have loved someone else more than I love this particular guy but I guess I'm just so disappointed with love and life this second time around so I'm clinging more to the pain...its hard to explain it. I'm so full of anger and pain. One day I hate him and one day I feel like to running to call him. I love what you said about acknowledging the pain as a being in the morning....so true! I feel like punching it in the face...lol. And about the jealousy part, wow I couldn't understand you more. I've said it before...I kinda get the trembles when I just think of him being with another.

 

I often wish I could erase the harddrive of my brain. =(

[gobain]

Thanks - I tend to wax poetic when I'm feeling melancholy.

 

I definitely understand how it is to hate him one minute and love him the next. It's a symptom of the disease, I'm afraid.

 

Sometimes I do the love/hate flip-flop on myself too. I hate that I can't let go. I love that I can love that much.

 

I am absolutely consumed by this. I hide it pretty well from my friends and co-workers though. There are a few that are perceptive enough to see past the mask - but most don't. I go through the motions with everyday stuff. It's completely mechanical - I feel almost nothing. And what I do feel is empty.

[amish]

"I am absolutely consumed by this. I hide it pretty well from my friends and co-workers though. There are a few that are perceptive enough to see past the mask - but most don't. I go through the motions with everyday stuff. It's completely mechanical - I feel almost nothing. And what I do feel is empty."

 

Whew, sounds like me.

[dugs]

Wow, I totally understand how you guys feel because I feel the same exact way. I contantly feel like I am the only one in the world who feels this way. I hate seeing couples around who seem so happy, it makes me sick. Mornings are the hardest, especially when you've been dreaming about her all night. Rolling over and not having her sleeping next to you anymore, and knowing that she never will again, is the hardest thing in the world. It makes me really sad. I feel so alone in this yet I can take some comfort in knowing that other people relate to me. This isn't the first time I've had to let go, so I know that its possible. Unfortunatly it takes alot of time, and I'm not looking forward to these dark days ahead.

[perdida]

Originally posted by dugs

Mornings are the hardest, especially when you've been dreaming about her all night. This isn't the first time I've had to let go, so I know that its possible. Unfortunatly it takes alot of time, and I'm not looking forward to these dark days ahead.

 

Was thinking about it....and nights are actually worse for me cuz you know how the night is reminiscent of going to bed which equals sex....so I hate it cuz I wonder who he will fall asleep next to. I promise you I feel like tearing my brain out when I think about it.

 

This isn't the first time to let go for me either, so I know what awaits me and don't look forward to it either. I figure it'll take at least a year to get over this nightmare.