Young Military Marriage in Trouble

[jessecatey]

My husband and I have been married a little over 3 years, I am 22 and he is 25.. He is constantly texting other women in an inappropriate manner and will not stop lying to me. My husband just completed 5 1/2 years of service to tUnited Stetes Marine Corps, and is currently in college and a member of the Washington State National Guard. He is constantly lying about all these women and some are his ex girlfriends. We have a beautiful 8 month old son and another baby boy on the way. I fear this is a never ending cycle that goes beyond me. I don't want to just throw away my marriage, and I love my husband dearly. This is the 10th time I have caught him, but what else can I do? I do not want my young sons growing up and thinking its ok for anyone to treat someone else this way. Maybe someone has a suggestion we hvent tried. Please help!:lmao::lmao:

[USMCHokie]

This has nothing to do with the military and everything to do with him as a person and an individual. The perception is made because the military, especially the Marines, tends to draw in certain types of people who exhibit traits which may suggest or lead to unfaithfulness. Combining this with the attention they receive as servicemembers and it's a recipe for disaster.

 

Perception may not be reality, but it is definitely real.

 

Now back to your question.

 

(1) Fix your people picker.

(2) You may have to put your foot down on this one. If it's the 10th time, then you need to be stronger and playing a more forceful role in the marriage. You can either get over it and deal with his shenanigans like you have been doing; or you can communicate your concerns and be prepared to leave if he doesn't compromise...

[olddirtyspatula]

What do you mean by inappropriate? How inappropriate?

[jessecatey]

Like naked pictures and dirty sometimes unbearable for me to read texts. He swears he loves me and he does this because he hates himself. I know the military did not make him this way, I just wish I knew what did. I truely love him, and want us to be a happy and healthy family for us as well as our kids. I just feel lost, everyone tells me to filoe for divorce and get it over with already, but deep down I dont want to. I dont want to but for the good of my children as well as my own well being I just might have to.

[xenomorph]

I just wish I knew what did.[/b]

 

^ Bolded for extreme emphasis.

 

It's clear that he has managed to make you think this is somehow your fault. Stop it NOW. HE is the one being promiscuous, YOU want to have a respectful, healthy relationship.

 

HE is the one deliberately doing actions that HE KNOWS will damage the relationship.

YOU are trying to repair the relationship.

 

HE is destructive.

YOU are not.

 

I'm very sorry to say this, but as much as you feel you love him right now, you are being manipulated, humiliated, and who knows how much gaslighting he has thrown your way.

 

He doesn't think you have boundries, so he is pushing to see how far he can take advantage of your kindness, understanding, and love. Oh, and that "I hate myself" non-sense? I've heard that before. Pure noise aimed to lure you into worrying about him and his well being. It's a tactic to buy him more time to do what he wants on the side while you worry and fret. He is ABUSIVE.

 

It is not your job to coddle him every time he makes a sad face. By the way, someone saying they hate themselves? RED FLAG.

 

 

You need to decide if you want to stay in this kind of an abusive relationship (because unless he fully commits to therapy, his behavior will NEVER change), or if you should cut your losses and leave now.

 

You are only 22 and with children. He will drag you down for years, and will most likely leave you for someone else down the line. He doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't see the wonderful things he already has, and he certainly won't be the one to let you go because you're his safety net while he explores. He's pretty much telling you this with his behavior: red flag after red flag after red flag.

 

 

 

Step one: Get yourself into individual counseling of some kind. A couple of sessions can do wonders.

 

Step two: see if he's willing to commit to therapy. If not, take note, and start making plans to divorce and leave him; get support and help from trusted friends and family. Fortunately, being in the military means you have LOTS of options for help and support there as well, not to mention free legal support. Please seek it out ASAP so you know your options. The more informed you are, the more secure you'll feel.

 

No, it's not going to be easy. It will take time, but the sooner you are safe and away from him, the better off you and your kids will be. It's scary now, but with help and support from friends and family, you'll get through and better for it.

 

And if he commits to therapy and wants to reconcile? Honey, make sure you make him WORK for it. Divorce him anyway. If he wants to be with you, he's gotta start from square one. It's the only way these abusive jerks get the message that you are not to be messed with.

 

<--- (I am in my late twenties now and was in a military marriage as well, husband did flirt while on deployments as I later learned, and abandoned me just under a year after he discharged. How I wish I went through with a divorce 3 years ago... )