Disclosure

[seren]

Tonight I lost my lifelong best friend because I told her husband, who I have come to know over 20 odd years, that she is having an A. My friend has been having an a for a year or so with a man she has met in work. backstory is that her H lost his job in the recession and it was decided that she go full time as she can earn a fair amount, prior to that she stayed at home while he had a professional, well paid career. My friend became close to the OM and they began meeting up and having nights away while she was supposedly on business.

 

I was told, by her, around 2 months ago, she told me all giddily that she was seeing someone else and asked if I would lie for her if her H asked where she was. I told her no and that if she didn't end the A, tell her H or leave, then I would. She said she loved her H and that the A was just fun and made her feel young again. TBH, I felt sick knowing and wouldn't meet up with them as I couldn't stand to see her being as she always had been, loving toward her H, for him to keep saying how hard she worked and how proud he was of her, while knowing she was seeing someone else and what for? To make her feel good, to make her feel young?

 

I asked why and she said that after 20 yrs her marriage had got stale and that she liked the attention, but wasnt leaving and that she didn't want to hurt her H. Nothing different from a 1000 other A's and at that moment I didn't recognise her anymore.

 

I had always known her and her H to be so devoted, she always said how much she loved him and they seemed so happy. I saw her today and asked if she had ended the A or had told her H, she was very defensive saying it wasn't hurting anyone and so I went to see him and told him.

 

I feel like crap, I feel like I have stuck my nose in someone else's business, and I have. But, I looked back and thought how I would have wanted someone to tell me so I could make an informed choice. We have had the mother of all arguments, but I am not sorry. Her concern is that her H will divorce a her and she said that she loved him so much. As her friend I want to offer her support, but am also sad that we cannot be friends again. It is all so dammed selfish and at this moment, I wish everyone who is involved in an A to take a long hard look at what they are doing and ask themselves if they would want that for themselves. What a dammed waste and what a bloody awful mess. Selfish, just bloody selfish.

 

H is working tonight and so I come here to vent away ...

[frozensprouts]

all i can say is that i wish someone had told me before i found out on my own

 

you did him a great favour

[2sunny]

You did the right thing!

 

Doing what's right is often very difficult!

 

Hugs! And more hugs! You have courage to stand up for what's right... She's not the woman she always pretended to be.

 

I hope her H is ok...

[freestyle]

Yikes, Seren.

 

Your friend put you in a horrifically crappy position.

Expecting you to violate your own moral compass, and lie on her behalf, was so very wrong. On multiple levels.

 

ESPECIALLY if she was aware of what you've been through--(I don't recall if you've ever mentioned whether or not you & H disclosed his A to friends & family)

 

Even if she wasn't aware of how you've been hurt by infidelity, it was wrong for her to put the burden of that information on you, let alone asking you to lie. And expecting you to maintain a facade around her husband...

 

You did the right thing, absolutely.

 

In your position, I think I would have done the same.

 

I was in a similar position about 5 years ago.

My former bff told me that she'd had an "oops" with one of her male friends.

(Who was currently living with a gf. Supposedly, they were just like "roommates" so, it wasn't really cheating....):rolleyes:

 

I didn't say anything judgmental at the time---but I felt unsettled, and I kept thinking it through.

 

I recalled that she'd been slowly finding more & more fault with the guy's gf over the previous months---(we both knew her socially, but weren't close friends with her) And I realized it wasn't just an "oops"---my former friend had been targeting that guy.

 

I ran into the guy's gf a couple months later--And I had a really hard time looking her in the eye, I was so uncomfortable, knowing what I knew. I chatted with her briefly, and got away as quickly as possible.

 

It still haunts me, 5 years later. It made me sick to put into a position where I had to guard my words.

 

I imagine that's part of what you were feeling, Seren--it must have been so hard to look your friend's H in the eye.

 

There's an outside chance, that when the fog clears in your friend's mind---that she'll come back to you, and thank you. Maybe.

[KathyM]

Good for you for having the courage to do that. You did the right thing. You gave the husband an honest life and the ability to make choices for his own life, which he would not have had if you had remained silent. You also put a stop to someone continuing to betray an unknowing spouse. Either she will now start to work on her marriage and be honest with her husband, if he will take her back, or she will move on without him, but whatever the decision is, you showed a lot of courage and did the right thing by telling him. Good for you.

[freestyle]

One more point--

 

Had her H found out on his own, and found out that you knew all along....

 

His pain would have been that much greater. I assume he considers you to be a friend also, so it would have been an extra layer of betrayal.

[BetrayedH]

I can't say anything that hasn't been said already but I wanted to offer support anyway. With your experience here, you should have no doubt that you did the right thing. You really didn't have a choice. Regardless, it's unfortunate and I'm sorry to hear you're going thru this. What the hell is the matter with these people?

[Steen719]

You talked the talk and walked the walk. I admire you for that.

[seren]

Thank you for your support and kind words. The friend and I go back to when we were babies and lived next door to each other. I have always, always fixed things for her, in that I am 6 months older and thought of her as my sister, we even did the blood sisters thing when we were 4 yrs. So, this has been so hard, BUT, it was seeing him and knowing how they are with each other that did it for me, the duplicity and him doing all he can to support her while she works was classic compartmentalising and it made me sick to my stomach.

 

H agreed it was the right thing to do, I admit it triggered me a little and I don't get those these days, so I questioned whether I was projecting, but I knew I would have done it anyways. I have always abhorred A's and the damage they cause.

 

I shall ring my friend tomorrow just to check in with her and also her H. I am hoping they can work through this. Had I stood back I would have felt an accessory to the A and that would put me in the role of enabler, not something that would sit right at all. A's are just so destructive.

Thanks x

[GLDheart]

Your friend is so selfish.

[Radu]

This may be seen as rationalizing but follow me for a minute.

 

You said that you have always fixed things for her, could it be that she told you the way she did because she thought you would fix this for her somehow ?

Either by being an enabler or by crushing the affair fog.

Tbh, you did fix things for her ... again, in the end.

[woinlove]

I want to echo what LadyGrey said so well. You care about others and that is reflected in your actions.

[todreaminblue]

Tonight I lost my lifelong best friend because I told her husband, who I have come to know over 20 odd years, that she is having an A. My friend has been having an a for a year or so with a man she has met in work. backstory is that her H lost his job in the recession and it was decided that she go full time as she can earn a fair amount, prior to that she stayed at home while he had a professional, well paid career. My friend became close to the OM and they began meeting up and having nights away while she was supposedly on business.

 

I was told, by her, around 2 months ago, she told me all giddily that she was seeing someone else and asked if I would lie for her if her H asked where she was. I told her no and that if she didn't end the A, tell her H or leave, then I would. She said she loved her H and that the A was just fun and made her feel young again. TBH, I felt sick knowing and wouldn't meet up with them as I couldn't stand to see her being as she always had been, loving toward her H, for him to keep saying how hard she worked and how proud he was of her, while knowing she was seeing someone else and what for? To make her feel good, to make her feel young?

 

I asked why and she said that after 20 yrs her marriage had got stale and that she liked the attention, but wasnt leaving and that she didn't want to hurt her H. Nothing different from a 1000 other A's and at that moment I didn't recognise her anymore.

 

I had always known her and her H to be so devoted, she always said how much she loved him and they seemed so happy. I saw her today and asked if she had ended the A or had told her H, she was very defensive saying it wasn't hurting anyone and so I went to see him and told him.

 

I feel like crap, I feel like I have stuck my nose in someone else's business, and I have. But, I looked back and thought how I would have wanted someone to tell me so I could make an informed choice. We have had the mother of all arguments, but I am not sorry. Her concern is that her H will divorce a her and she said that she loved him so much. As her friend I want to offer her support, but am also sad that we cannot be friends again. It is all so dammed selfish and at this moment, I wish everyone who is involved in an A to take a long hard look at what they are doing and ask themselves if they would want that for themselves. What a dammed waste and what a bloody awful mess. Selfish, just bloody selfish.

 

H is working tonight and so I come here to vent away ...

 

 

you did the right thing for sure....cheers to ya.....deb

[Summer Breeze]

From the moment she asked you to lie for her she proved she was not your friend. She was before that point and I hope one day she can see the hurt she's caused both her husband and you. Maybe you can find a way to be friends with her if that time comes.

 

My BF came to me not long after I confronted my xH. She was terrified that I'd hate her for telling me. I know the situations aren't the same but I want you to know I have the same respect for you as I did her.

 

You absolutely did the right thing and whether or not she knows it she is very lucky to have had you as a friend.

[Furious]

Your friend ended your friendship the moment she told you about her affair and wanting you to be her alibi and co-conspirator.

 

Doing the right thing is always harder than doing nothing.

 

How is it possible after being life long friends she didn't know how you would feel about infidelity, and then invite you into it.

 

She was no friend to her husband or family.

It would be hypocritical of her to lash out at you about betraying your friendship.

[SidLyon]

Seren, you have my sympathy and understanding about this.

 

Strangely, I am going through something similar with a friend.

 

Edited to delete: TMI

Edited June 24, 2012 by SidLyon

[seren]

Thank you so much for understanding, today I have had her sister and every man and his dog telling me that I am to blame for her and her H splitting up. TBH, I am not surprised, but, it just made me mad. The hypocrisy of seeing my betrayal of friendhip as worse than her betrayal of her husband totally peed me off.

 

Now everyone knows about H's A as it was said that I was 'bitter' about what had happened to me. The H has telphoned to thank me and has support from his family, which I am glad for. He asks Why? and I have said he needs to ask his wife.

 

As for my friend, I spoke to her too and have asked her how she could think I would lie, knowing how hurt I was after H's A, she was one of the few people I confided in. Her answer was because she thought I was her friend, which is staggeringly selfish. But, I have told her if she needs to talk, then she knows where I am. The whole mess has happened because she thought her marriage was stale and she wanted excitement and all the usual bull**** people say to justify their actions.

 

Had she told me she loved the OM, I might have understood better, but the, my life was boring and I wanted some fun, just peed me off even more. She also said that she loved her H, could now see that what she had done was wrong and that the OM meant nothing etc etc. We have 55 years of history, friendship and have supported each other through some truly crap times, but this may be the straw that broke this camel's back and I hate re evaluating my view of her.

 

Her grown up daugher, my God Daughter is in bits and is coming to stay with me for a few days, thankfully she understands and at the moment I am doing damage control so their relationship isn't damaged, she has spoken to my son and he is amazing me with his kindness and understanding. It feels like I am stuck in the middle, but I suppose I am still fixing things for her, although I will not let her apportion blame or make excuses, nor will I defend her actions.

 

It is odd, because had she murdered someone I would be at her side supporting her, but this, no, I cannot condone any of it and I have searched my conscience to see if it is projection. But you know, it really isn't. H and I have had a good talk and he has checked in to see if I am OK about us and I am, the whole unicorns and rainbows crap is just so bloody, well crap and I wish everyone who spouts such bull had a window on the aftermath. Thank you all, it helps, lots. xx Seren

[Realist3]

I feel like crap, I feel like I have stuck my nose in someone else's business, and I have.

 

You should feel like crap! You interjected yourself into someone else's business who confided in you.

[2sure]

Oh, for a friendship to end that way is a heartbreaker. A friendship that began when you were toddlers.

 

I'm still getting over the loss of my best friend under similar circumstances.

I have had to realize that she was no longer the person I loved. Some friendships come to an end after they serve their purpose, some were only meant to go so far. I still love who she was, and have let go of who she is now.

 

it possible that someday your friend will see you saved her from herself.

if she doesn't, you can still know that you did it because you love her.

 

It's hard , really hard, to do the right thing. Sometimes it sucks.

[Realist3]

It is clear you have no clue what you are speaking of and what true friendship is. Maybe this thread isn't for you. Seren you did good.

 

It is clear? I know exactly what I am talking about. She may want to feel like she did good, but she broke a trust just like the person she busted did.

[seren]

Realist, I find your tag name a bit of an oxymoron in relation to your comment. I didn't ask to be invited into their business, but I was and it wasn't the confiding that was the issue but the being used to enable an A. I have to live with me and to do things which sit right, with me. I told her what I would do if it continued and she knew me enough to know that I would and did mean it. Her H is also my friend, I don't stand back and let friends be screwed over. My friend knew my view on infidelity, I have always felt this way, informed choice works both ways and she, knowing my views, expected that I would lie, based upon what? Loyalty, friendship? Your views are of course your views and maybe you would have done things differently. But I can absolutely guarantee, that if it was being done to you, you would want someone to tell you rather than know you were being used and lied to.

 

Friendship works both ways and that is reality and that is all I have to say to you, but thank you for your comment.

[Realist3]

There is certainly a truth to what you are saying. You were brought in. But you did the same thing the other person did and that was breaking a trust.

 

It is not your life, but you made it your life that is why you are posting about it here.

 

You know full well that what you did violated something. You want vadidation for that action from people who think you did the right thing. If you knew you did the right thing, you would not be seeking affirmation here.

[OpenBook]

I agree with Realist. The hypocrisy is breathtaking. You took your fBFF's confidence (and that's all the proof you had of the A? just a conversation you had with her??) and turned it against her. You don't know what their M is like, seren. It's not your call, and it's not up to you to impose your own moral values on others, no matter how tight you are with them. Not everybody sees it the same way as you. It wasn't your M to mess with.

[whichwayisup]

Your friend put you in a tough spot and she is completely selfish and inconsiderate seeing as she knew what you went through in the past, you being a BS. No true friend would ask someone who was betrayed, who had seen first hand the pain an A brought on, to lie and cover for them. You did the right thing and don't let the others who tell you you're wrong bother you. Especially on this forum. Sadly the shoot the messenger is what is happening to you, easier to blame the outside person who told the truth. Such crap and immaturity. Your friend brought this all on herself. She has nobody to blame but herself.

 

You couldn't go against your morals, your belief system, especially after all you endured with your husband. Shame on HER to put this all on you. If her H divorces her, that's her fault not yours. People have free will. He could have told you to mind your own business, or told you he thinks you're crazy, making up stories.. He probably had suspicions and saw red flags so you just confirmed it for him. I bet he wasn't completely shocked either..

 

Hang in there and I'm sorry that you're getting shi.t on for doing the right thing.

[seren]

Open Book, Realist, I can understand what you are saying, and of course your opinions are heard and noted, But, as the information about the A came from the person having the A and as the information about the 'state' of the marriage came from my friend, I took what she said as true. I refused to be used as an excuse for her to spend the night with the OM by giving her an alibi. I found I had already been used, without my knowledge, so trust between she and me had already been broken. As for posting here for validation, I don't do that, I have no need to. While I am glad for the support from people I have 'known' for some time, I am equally open to critticism from yourselves, it might be different from someone who has been betrayed and I am not sure what your experience of infidelity is, so am again, not sure what informs your views.

 

I truly mourn the loss of my friend, and yes, a part of me feels I have betrayed her, but I ask this, is it OK to compromise your morals at the expense of enabling another and should it be acceptable to expect another to do so, just so they can 'have fun'? I also wonder at what my responsibility was toward her H, who is also a good friend. I would rather I hadn't known, I would rather not have been used without my knowledge. But, I had and have and my friend and I spoke at length about what my actions would be, that I was used again said a lot. I love my friend, still do, and will be here for her. But thanks for the comments.