6 years apart

[Bijou]

Hi there. I have a really big problem on my hands. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. I love him to death and we are great together. The problem is: he's about six years older than me. He wants to settle down with someone and eventually have kids. Because of the age cap, I am not ready at this point in my life for that family stuff. I'm only 20 so I want to finish school and get a career going before I settle down into a family. I don't want this to break us up but I know it's a really big issue. I see him with kids and he's awsome with them. This makes me sad cause I know he loves me but I can't provide a family for him for at least five years. I really want to beleive that he'll be willing to wait but I don't think he will. I've been thinking about this alot lately and it's driving me crazy. He's started hinting here and there how he'ed love to have kids and all I can do is say,"Yeah, that's nice." What advice can you give me to save my relationship? I'm afraid he'll want to leave me to be with someone older who is ready to settle down.

[Tony T]

Sit him down, let him know you have the same goals he does. Explain to him that there's a lot to life and there's plenty of time for getting married and having kids.

 

Let him know he'll stay younger a lot longer if he has his first child at, say, 32 or 33. That way the kids will be getting married when he is about 55 or 60. Then they will be having kids and he'll be a grandfather at 65. So he'll be retired and have lots of little ones to spend time babysitting. He can have a lifetime of being with kids if he can just wait. And time does pass fast.

 

If he's getting pressure from his mom and dad, talk to them as well. It's sort of unusual for a man his age to be this eager for changing diapers. But parents do put the pressure on because they want to be grandparents.

 

Meanwhile, to satisfy his urge, both of you should volunteer at a local children's home. Every city has one. Find one that has kids in the five to 15 category. Many of these children are hard to place because they have certain emotional problems, but they are still fun and need love. The homes are for children waiting to be adopted or children taken from abused homes. Volunteers play with the kids, take them places, show them that someone cares. It's a wonderful thing for any person to do and it should satisfy his urge to be around kids until you get a few years on you. Let him know these kids are already here and need him really bad. If he's genuine, he will go for this big time.

 

Be sure to do other things with him besides the volunteering and don't let him get too obsessed with it.

 

Maybe being around those kids will get your clock ticking faster...maybe not. But the things I have suggested will buy you time.

 

You can also buy a year or two by agreeing to get engaged now. Accepting a ring in a couple of years, and taking a couple of years to plan the wedding. Hey babe, where there's a will there's a way.