Overcoming resentment of women

[tormanted]

I want advice about how to get over resentment of women, because I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I want to love them, one of them in particular. I need help. Feedback from women would be particularly helpful. But please refrain from slamming me or insulting me --- I know I have a problem and I want to work on it. Let me elaborate.

 

I'm a man in my late twenties. Earlier in my life, like when I was a teenager up to my mid twenties, I had a tough time with girls. I always felt that girls who were in my league in terms of looks, success, charm, etc, always thought they were too good for me. They always rejected me, and I felt that I was unfairly forced to date girls who were clearly "less" than me by any objective measure, and I therefore built up resentment towards women. The resentment is also born of jealousy of women; I always felt that life is so unfair, that women have it so much easier in love and dating, that if I was a woman I would be able to get the love I wanted and needed but I was jipped by being born a man in a woman's world, where women control everything and date up, while men get whatever scraps they are offered.

 

This got better as I got older and more established, and I've recently been able to get really really hot girls, often younger than myself. Its like a cinderella story really, where I finally feel like I'm getting what's due to me. Right now, I am dating a great girl in her early twenties, and I mean really great. Lets call her K. I'm confident that I am also quite awesome, and I deserve her, because I've accomplished a lot in my life and have built many of the necessary traits and abilities that women admire, so I feel K and I are equal. K is fantastic: she's beautiful, really into me, tries hard to please me, works through problems with me, appreciates what I do for her, we "click" on so many levels, and so on.

 

However, there is one problem, originating in the resentment I have built up from all my previous experiences with women. K's life so far has been exactly what you would expect of a girl who is as attractive as she is: she has had man after man willing to do anything for her, has never really been alone or starved for attention or affection, and has generally had a pretty smooth ride. I can't help but resent that. I am overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy! I am clearly her equal, and she sees this (she even looks up to me!), but why has her life been so much easier than mine!!?? Just because she is female!!?? These feelings of jealousy are tormenting me, and getting in the way of me from really emphathizing with this girl sufficiently so that I can love her as deeply as I want to love her. How can I develop empathy for someone who hasn't suffered like I have, and has had a much better life than I have just because she is a woman? How can I get over this bitterness so I can have a loving relationship?

 

I want to fix this, and I am looking for advice.

Edited June 24, 2012 by tormanted

[Bob_Funk]

I don't know. I don't think I could ever bring myself to love a girl after the hell I've been through.

 

If girls suddenly started throwing themselves at me tomorrow, my attitude would be, "Great. But where were you when I needed you most (16-22)?"

[MooBear]

With a deep seated resentment, often therapy is your best bet. It seems extreme but it is quite helpful for problems like this. Therapy helped me work through quite a few issues I was holding onto and I'm much happier now!

[Titanwolf]

I'd like to know the definitive answer too. My resentment probably isn't as deep-seated as yours but, it's still an issue no matter how mild. Women are spoilt for choice these days and refuse to acknowledge those who would actually pair up perfectly with them. Whilst the men (ACTUALLY GOOD MEN, honourable, hard-working etc) rot away, wondering why they're so unwanted and thus the cycle begins and the resentment festers. Tis a sad society we're a part of my friend. I think the worst part about it all is that men are visual and women provide the visuals (which is mostly genetic, not choice) whilst women are more "difficult" and biologically programmed to be hypergamous, which isn't as easily achieved as looks (something you're born with). A man's currency (for most of the shallow women) is in his wealth and status, whereas a woman's currency is in her appearance, which doesn't even have to be great, considering most men don't chase Megan Fox's around all day. They just want a good, wholesome woman that they can wake up to every morning. amirite?

 

Edit- Eesh, I sound like a sappy biatch. Quickly! somebody punch me....anyone?

Edited June 24, 2012 by Titanwolf

[MooBear]

I'd like to know the definitive answer too. My resentment probably isn't as deep-seated as yours but, it's still an issue no matter how mild. Women are spoilt for choice these days and refuse to acknowledge those who would actually pair up perfectly with them. Whilst the men rot away, wondering why they're so unwanted and thus the cycle begins and the resentment festers. Tis a sad society we're a part of my friend.

 

I think women have always been spoilt for choice when it comes to men. Unfortunately so many women think they should hold out for something "better" and a woman will actively do this when the fact is - that guy that was an inch too short with the crooked teeth and an absolutely winning personality was the best she could have ever had!

 

I've been telling my girlfriends off lately for making fun of guys that hit on them at pubs! They are so rude and it just disgusts me! And then I hear from them all the time "Oh why are there no good guys around, they're all such *******s" and I just think well, he WAS a nice guy until 5 bitches like you ran him down when he was putting himself out there!! Grr.

 

Hmm that was a longer ramble than I expected lol

[Titanwolf]

And it's things like that, that cripples a man in the long-term. I'd love to be able to defend women as I'm a just man but, the way the world spins now, men are denied their right to enjoy the company of the opposite sex, whilst women have complete, unrestricted access and unless you're a man that's in 10% of the population of men that get 90% of the women, you'll be left spending your youth alone and bitter. Here's the kicker though, when they've had all their fun and over 9000 partners, they may give you a chance when their beauty is fading. How sad. My love for women is what fuels my hate, I despise seeing how far they've fallen in this generation when my mother and grandmother were such great examples of the greatness of women.

[MooBear]

And it's things like that, that cripples a man in the long-term. I'd love to be able to defend women as I'm a just man but, the way the world spins now, men are denied their right to enjoy the company of the opposite sex, whilst women have complete, unrestricted access and unless you're a man that's in 10% of the population of men that get 90% of the women, you'll be left spending your youth alone and bitter. Here's the kicker though, when they've had all their fun and over 9000 partners, they may give you a chance when their beauty is fading. How sad. My love for women is what fuels my hate, I despise seeing how far they've fallen in this generation when my mother and grandmother were such great examples of the greatness of women.

 

As a woman, I wish I could disagree with you but that's pretty much what I see as well. I have a really good male friend who is always on the receiving end of these women and I just don't get it cause he is amazing! So many women these days just seem to have this attitude about them like they are royalty. No wonder so many guys are bitter - I would be too if I was treated the way they treat men.

I could go on and on but it's nothing you guys don't already know unfortunately. I'm not perfect, but I always made damn sure I wasn't a "mean girl"

[Algermas]

Feedback from women would be particularly helpful.

 

The very last thing you want when it comes to advice about women is having women as your source. Women have never and will never be honest about what they want. I think it's debatable whether or not they themselves even know.

[todreaminblue]

I want advice about how to get over resentment of women, because I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I want to love them, one of them in particular. I need help. Feedback from women would be particularly helpful. But please refrain from slamming me or insulting me --- I know I have a problem and I want to work on it. Let me elaborate.

 

I'm a man in my late twenties. Earlier in my life, like when I was a teenager up to my mid twenties, I had a tough time with girls. I always felt that girls who were in my league in terms of looks, success, charm, etc, always thought they were too good for me. They always rejected me, and I felt that I was unfairly forced to date girls who were clearly "less" than me by any objective measure, and I therefore built up resentment towards women. The resentment is also born of jealousy of women; I always felt that life is so unfair, that women have it so much easier in love and dating, that if I was a woman I would be able to get the love I wanted and needed but I was jipped by being born a man in a woman's world, where women control everything and date up, while men get whatever scraps they are offered.

 

This got better as I got older and more established, and I've recently been able to get really really hot girls, often younger than myself. Its like a cinderella story really, where I finally feel like I'm getting what's due to me. Right now, I am dating a great girl in her early twenties, and I mean really great. Lets call her K. I'm confident that I am also quite awesome, and I deserve her, because I've accomplished a lot in my life and have built many of the necessary traits and abilities that women admire, so I feel K and I are equal. K is fantastic: she's beautiful, really into me, tries hard to please me, works through problems with me, appreciates what I do for her, we "click" on so many levels, and so on.

 

However, there is one problem, originating in the resentment I have built up from all my previous experiences with women. K's life so far has been exactly what you would expect of a girl who is as attractive as she is: she has had man after man willing to do anything for her, has never really been alone or starved for attention or affection, and has generally had a pretty smooth ride. I can't help but resent that. I am overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy! I am clearly her equal, and she sees this (she even looks up to me!), but why has her life been so much easier than mine!!?? Just because she is female!!?? These feelings of jealousy are tormenting me, and getting in the way of me from really emphathizing with this girl sufficiently so that I can love her as deeply as I want to love her. How can I develop empathy for someone who hasn't suffered like I have, and has had a much better life than I have just because she is a woman? How can I get over this bitterness so I can have a loving relationship?

 

I want to fix this, and I am looking for advice.

 

Ok this thread is a little scary as a woman reading it and some of the replies too throw some punches but I am game so here goes hope it helps.Say your girlfriend had it rough, rougher than you even it wouldn't really help your base resentment against women in general and wouldn't help you not resenting her in the future when she might have a stroke of luck or good fortune that wasn't involving you.You seem actually very lucky, the rejection the angst the waiting is gone for you now, you are successful, worked hard, have a loving girlfriend a chance at happiness..........let the resentment go now too....her past should stay in the past good or bad....and if you can't let it go.....therapy might help you to deal with the root of the problem......so you and your girlfriend can enjoy what you have now and in the future.....good luck .....deb

[MooBear]

The very last thing you want when it comes to advice about women is having women as your source. Women have never and will never be honest about what they want. I think it's debatable whether or not they themselves even know.

 

I completely disagree. I have always been honest and upfront about what I want and what I don't want. And as for women not knowing what they want - yes that's true of some women, but also true of some men. It's to do with the person, not the gender.

[sally4sara]

I felt that I was unfairly forced to date girls who were clearly "less" than me

men get whatever scraps they are offered.

 

I'm getting what's due to me.

 

K has never really been alone or starved for attention or affection, and has generally had a pretty smooth ride. I can't help but resent that.

 

I want to fix this, and I am looking for advice.

 

Try looking at the parts of your OP that I left remaining. This is the obstacle many people come into the adult world with that is what really hinders them - not other people.

 

No one was really forcing you to date anyone. You wanted some girl and that girl would not be forced into dating you for whatever reason she had. You didn't like not getting what you wanted and did what you wished she would have done - settled. And it didn't make you happy either. What you learned from that situation is what she already knew. A relationship with someone you don't really want sucks.

We've all done this at some point. We do something we know we shouldn't do or don't really want to do and then find ways to place the responsibility for our actions on someone else. Till we stop doing that, we remain our own victims.

Men and women get offered scraps all the time in different situations even outside of dating. Some take those scraps and others don't. It doesn't help someone stop accepting scraps to get mad at the people who won't accept scraps. Instead become one of them rather than hate on them.

 

You're not getting what is due you. None of us are due anything. That's the fact of life that you have to accept. Once you do you can begin to appreciate what good things come your way with a better, healthier attitude. And then more good things come your way because people respond to your better attitude.

 

You like K and that's great. My husband read your post over my shoulder and said "So he gets a girl he really likes and then wishes bad things happened to her?" That's not liking someone. That's hanging around hoping to get to see a train wreck.

 

Just something to think about.

[Sugarkane]

I think men are spoilt for choice - even more so. You have much moretime to play the field. In fact finding a guy thats genuine and isn't a serial dater is difficult. You aren't judged on your looks and youth. And when you hit your 30s it doesn't get more difficult for you. In fact do you ever stop playing the field? It's easy to have resentment against you to. Especially when so many guys will lie to your face just to get sex. If I had a dollar for everytime that happened... t

I'd like to know the definitive answer too. My resentment probably isn't as deep-seated as yours but, it's still an issue no matter how mild. Women are spoilt for choice these days and refuse to acknowledge those who would actually pair up perfectly with them. Whilst the men (ACTUALLY GOOD MEN, honourable, hard-working etc) rot away, wondering why they're so unwanted and thus the cycle begins and the resentment festers. Tis a sad society we're a part of my friend. I think the worst part about it all is that men are visual and women provide the visuals (which is mostly genetic, not choice) whilst women are more "difficult" and biologically programmed to be hypergamous, which isn't as easily achieved as looks (something you're born with). A man's currency (for most of the shallow women) is in his wealth and status, whereas a woman's currency is in her appearance, which doesn't even have to be great, considering most men don't chase Megan Fox's around all day. They just want a good, wholesome woman that they can wake up to every morning. amirite?

 

Edit- Eesh, I sound like a sappy biatch. Quickly! somebody punch me....anyone?

[Sugarkane]

Titanwolf- Do you know IRS not only guys that get screwed over?

[ladyabstrused]

How can I develop empathy for someone who hasn't suffered like I have, and has had a much better life than I have just because she is a woman? How can I get over this bitterness so I can have a loving relationship?

 

Empathy isn't just for people who suffer what you suffer. There are many things in life that we cannot judge or determine just based on our own past or history. Sure she's got all that, but do you know if she has had issues from before? Perhaps she had some when she was a child, or within herself, she's had troubles and worries but she doesn't share. You can't know this, right?

 

It's all within your mind. You have the power to change your perceptions. Why would you want to wish negative things on someone you claim to love or wished they had negative things happen to them? Why would you be jealous? The trials and tribulations in your past I'm sure has somewhat made you a stronger person. It should be something you're proud of for having conquered those things or overcome those things.

 

If I had a boyfriend who was so lucky in his life, I'd be grateful for that because I wouldn't want my SO to suffer or wouldn't wish he had suffered some negativity in his past. (Also, sometimes some people carry over baggage from their past and it only shakes up the relationship more - so be careful what you wish for sometimes.)

 

And it's not like she's being a bitch to you, or being ungrateful in life because she's been so privileged as you claim she has been. As you said, she's been great to you. So be grateful that the lack of negativity in her past has made her the person she is today and count yourself lucky for that too.

 

Edit: And it's not just because she is a woman. Don't know why it has to be gender-related. *shakes head*

[Titanwolf]

Titanwolf- Do you know IRS not only guys that get screwed over?

 

Oh I know, and I have female friends who I've had assist, because some guy screwed them over. However, the ratio is skewed heavily towards one side. I do genuinely feel sorry for the women who pay the consequences for the crimes other women commit. Mating is a vicious game.

[ohmygoshistalk]

i was hanging out with my friend and her little girl (10), we were talking about periods,etc.

she asked "why are boys ok with their shirts off?" we said because..their boobs dont hang out. she said so???

lol

then we had to explain periods vs circumcision..giving birth..having an episiotomy (cutting the perianal area to give birth), c-sections, belly stretchmarks, getting old wrinkles, menopause, raising kids as a single parent, etc..we all finally concluded boys have it better but they just have to usually take care of the family.

 

so back to your point..women dont have an easy life to be honest.

 

also you dont have to lower your standards, just keep trying and trying.

[Algermas]

i was hanging out with my friend and her little girl (10), we were talking about periods,etc.

she asked "why are boys ok with their shirts off?" we said because..their boobs dont hang out. she said so???

lol

then we had to explain periods vs circumcision..giving birth..having an episiotomy (cutting the perianal area to give birth), c-sections, belly stretchmarks, getting old wrinkles, menopause, raising kids as a single parent, etc..we all finally concluded boys have it better but they just have to usually take care of the family.

 

so back to your point..women dont have an easy life to be honest.

 

also you dont have to lower your standards, just keep trying and trying.

 

Three sets of ovaries talked about it and concluded men have it easier. No ****.

[tormanted]

I just want to post an update. I'm still with K, and we have only gotten closer. She is crazy about me, and has made it clear that she would do anything for me and will never leave me. In addition to being a refreshing change from all the bitches with a princess complex whom I dated in the past, this makes me like her so much more, and moreover is a huge boost to my ego. So, the case remains that K is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I would be a fool to allow my jealousy and resentment to get in the way.

 

I even shared some of my resentment and thoughts, as described in the original post of this thread, with K. She has been incredibly supportive. In fact, she made it clear that she is willing to work through them with me and help me get over them, and expressed unequivocally that she would never leave me no matter how sick and dark my thoughts about women are.

 

However, the problem keeps popping its ugly head. Even though I am very happy with K about 90 percent of the time, every once in a while, in particular when her sexual past or previous life comes up, I am overcome by a wave or resentment and anger at the unfairness of the world. I have this intense resentment towards women (particularly attractive and sexually successful ones) because I feel that life unfairly advantages them so much and affords them a buffet of sexual options whereas most men are left to suffer unwanted and frustrated as I have for so long. When this happens, K and I often end up discussing it, and she tries all she can to help me let go of this. She spends time coming up with arguments such as explaining how a lot of sex is actually a negative for women and makes them feel used rather than loved, and also explaining that even though she had a lot of sex many of the men didn't want her for more than that, and so on. She really puts in quite a valiant effort towards fixing me, and has made it clear that she will do anything to help me and will never give up or abandon me.

 

However, despite all attempts so far, the results are mixed. I still have these feelings of jealousy and resentment, I hate the fact that she has had so much more sexual success than I have despite being much younger than me, and I don't know how to get past this without going back in time and figuring out how to bang three times as many women in order to feel like I've had an equivalent life to hers (as I feel I deserve). So far, K has been very patient and is doing all she can to make me happy, and she is succeeding most of the time (I am in fact very happy 90% of the time). At some point, however, I worry that this pathological resentment I have for the unfair perks of womanhood will in time chip away at the best relationship I have ever had, and rob me of an amazing, gorgeous, brilliant, and dedicated woman who is everything I have ever dreamed of.

 

So this is still a problem. I don't quite know how to solve it. I wish I could go back in time and bang three times as many women in my past life so I would feel better about this today, but I can't. I have to somehow come to terms with the fact that life isn't fair, women have it better, and not be angry about that reality. Or, I have to somehow convince myself that this is not in fact the reality, though I can't see how to do that given the cold hard facts. It seems my only option is intense therapy, and I plan to start that soon. Until then, I will try to make sure that this problem is contained, such that it doesn't harm my relationship with K.

 

Any thoughts or encouragement would be appreciated. As before, please refrain from berating me -- I know I have a problem, my problem was caused by life being profoundly unfair to me, and I am working to fix my problem, so please be nice.

Edited July 24, 2012 by tormanted

[boaaaar]

because I feel that life unfairly advantages them so much and affords them a buffet of sexual options whereas most men are left to suffer unwanted and frustrated as I have for so long.

As a man, how would you feel if you were offered a buffet of options for settling fast, having kids fast and living a sexless marriage ? Well, being a woman and being offered countless options for a pump and dump session is probably just as rewarding. Many women would be jealous of your "buffet" the same way you are jealous of women getting laid whenever they want.

[boytoy]

.........................

[tormanted]

What strikes me in your posts is your sense of entitlement. Why do you think you're 'owed' and 'deserve' things in life?

 

I feel I deserve some things because I feel like I am no less a catch than an attractive woman. I have a plenty of objective evidence that I am good looking, extremely successful, and very entertaining. Therefore, if an attractive woman is entitled to 100 men fawning over her in any given year, then why am I only entitled to only 3 or 4 women fawning over me in that same year? Just because I'm a man? Let me clarify: I don't necessarily feel "entitled" to these things, I just think it would be fair to expect them, because my female equivalent seems to be getting them. How is that not a reasonable expectation? Please explain.

 

 

The world owes you nothing.

 

Well, the world should reward those who work hard and make something of themselves. Yet, a woman who is born attractive is handed a glorious and glamorous life full of sexual options on a silver platter, whereas an equally attractive man can work his ass off and become president yet STILL have to painfully chase after women to get any love at all. Bill Clinton settled for Lewinsky --- that says something.

 

Also, what are these 'cold hard facts' of which you speak? So a good looking woman gets loads of men fawning over her for a few years, most of them probably creeps and losers, when all she wants is, like you, a happy, long term relationship but she can't get one. When she gets older her looks fade and someone like you will pass her by, even though she's kind, sweet, nurturing etc but you'll pass her up because you feel you 'deserve' a firmer pair of tits. You're essentially letting your penis rule your life.

 

That is true. You make a good point. I guess the only response I have is that that very woman probably passed me up when her tits were firm, so I don't feel too bad about passing her up when her tits loose their firmness. It is tit for tat, but she started it :-).

 

Your idea of the world is also extremely westernised. Do you think attractive women necessarily have it easier in, say, Afghanistan? Your premise that it's a woman's world is just laughable frankly.

 

Yes, everything I'm saying is only regarding to the US. I guess I should have been more specific. I do concede that men have it much better than women in third world countries.

 

Yeah there's some real bitches out there who are spoilt and have a sense of entitlement, guess what? You have a sense of entitlement too. I'm not posting this to bash you just to give you a sense of perspective. Try reading some books or, at best, get some therapy. Life is harsh, no one deserves anything and we all have our problems. Take off the rosey glasses.

 

I agree. Only difference is, my sense of entitlement comes from something I achieved, not from being born pretty. I do intend to get therapy, as you must have read in my post. Life IS harsh, but I can't help but feel that it is harsher on me than on my female equivalent (same attractiveness, accomplishments, etc, but opposite gender), and that bothers me. Shouldn't it?

[tormanted]

As a man, how would you feel if you were offered a buffet of options for settling fast, having kids fast and living a sexless marriage ? Well, being a woman and being offered countless options for a pump and dump session is probably just as rewarding. Many women would be jealous of your "buffet" the same way you are jealous of women getting laid whenever they want.

 

I'm not sure I understand your point. What Buffet are you talking about? I don't recall ever being offered a buffet of eager wives. Are you saying that most men are? If so I really have no idea where you could possibly live that you think that.

[Drseussgrrl]

Her mistake is in thinking she can help fix you.

 

Only you are responsible for your own happiness. I fear a very codependent relationship in your future with this woman as she helplessly tries to love you enough to make you feel secure.

 

 

I'm not trying to bash you but you need to get a grip. Women do NOT have it easier all the time. If you like, I can detail out my own story about how an old boyfriend got me pregnant, left me to deal with the fallout (adoption in my case) and consequently got back with his ex and married her in the meantime.

 

 

But I guess, according to your logic, I was lucky enough to be having sex with a cute boy to begin with.

[tormanted]

Her mistake is in thinking she can help fix you.

 

Only you are responsible for your own happiness. I fear a very codependent relationship in your future with this woman as she helplessly tries to love you enough to make you feel secure.

 

 

I'm not trying to bash you but you need to get a grip. Women do NOT have it easier all the time. If you like, I can detail out my own story about how an old boyfriend got me pregnant, left me to deal with the fallout (adoption in my case) and consequently got back with his ex and married her in the meantime.

 

 

But I guess, according to your logic, I was lucky enough to be having sex with a cute boy to begin with.

 

I would love to hear your story, if you are willing to share it. However, I never said that women have it easier ALL the time, nor did I say that bad things don't happen to women. All I said is that, on average, women in the USA, and perhaps much of the western world, seem to have it much better than men, specifically because they yield all the sexual power and sexual choice (or rather, much more of said power than their equivalent man).

[Stellar Wench]

Her mistake is in thinking she can help fix you.

 

Only you are responsible for your own happiness. I fear a very codependent relationship in your future with this woman as she helplessly tries to love you enough to make you feel secure.

 

 

I'm not trying to bash you but you need to get a grip. Women do NOT have it easier all the time. If you like, I can detail out my own story about how an old boyfriend got me pregnant, left me to deal with the fallout (adoption in my case) and consequently got back with his ex and married her in the meantime.

 

 

But I guess, according to your logic, I was lucky enough to be having sex with a cute boy to begin with.

THIS. Women aren't the problem. You are. Your attitude is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

Face it. Life isn't fair. Never was, never will be. If you spend your time being resentful, life, and eventually K, will pass you by. Then what will you have? An empty life full of resentment.

 

Why can't you be happy for K that she had these experiences and blossomed into a smart, vibrant, wise young woman? She's the one who should be looked up to, not you. Get a grip before you lose her.